I am planning on going to plan b starting this Friday. I have a four year old daughter at home and a big mortgage. My wife refuses to leave the home. I can go to my mom's and stay for a while.

My wife is meeting her attorney to go over divorce papers that I had drawn up a few weeks back.

I would still like to remain married, but my wife's behavior has only gotten worse and more disrespectful.

When I did not come home Friday, after discovering no contact, she called me on my cell all night trying to find out where I was and for me to come home. Plan b might actually work. Of course once I got home, she blamed me for discovering she was still having contact with the OM and she can't even look at me right now because I have embarrassed her at her place of employment (school teacher).

I'm ready for plan b, I just need help with issues like seeing my daughter, and whether my leaving would constitute abandonment.

I also could use help on drafting a letter. I've looked at a few that people have posted her and will keep looking until I find the right one.

I would not recommend leaving the house until the custody issues are dealt with. If you do it could hurt your case.

I'm close to Plan B also and have put together the following letter that was reviewed by some. I still may change it a little but it could give you something to work with.


Dear WW,

Although I have ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I have recognized those errors in judgment and have learned from them.

I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage falling apart and learning about your relationship with <OM>, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me and our family. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain has became too much to bear and I cannot continue to live the way we are, so I had no choice but to separate for my own emotional well being. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I do not want this separation, I want to be your husband. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your kids, it is simply too painful. As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our kids’ happiness and make their life as fulfilling as possible. Please do not contact me except for matters concerning our kids or an emergency.

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that <OM> is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,
<H>

Under no circumstances should you leave your home unless you have a LS agreement in place. That would be very foolish!

Ok, how do you plan b when your wife won't leave the house. I know CarenMC moved and took the kids with her. I think my wife would call the police if I did that. Still, she's my daughter too. Since I believe that my wife will most likely remain in the home, I won't take my daughter with me when I move out. Instead I will leave the letter with a shared visitation plan. I'll run this by my attorney first, but I have to do something soon.

I'd like to know this, too.

What do the Harleys recommend?

What have others done in this situation?

Are there links to other threads where this is covered?

Still looking for help on how to Plan B when the WS does not want to leave the house . . .
Mulan

Why don't you move forward with the divorce and get a seperation agreement that gives you the house and the DD by naming her adultery and the STD she gave you? Hopefully, you get her legally moved out. Then when she is moved out, give her the Plan B letter and stall on the divorce.

This will also help restore SOME credibility since you have already filed for D and seem to be backpeddling from that. She will see that you are serious.

But really, the worst thing you can do is move out. It can be viewed as abandonment and will only enable her affair. If you move, she can carry on her affair from the comfort of YOUR home while you pay the huge mortgage. Do you want that?

***Why don't you move forward with the divorce and get a seperation agreement that gives you the house and the DD by naming her adultery and the STD she gave you? Hopefully, you get her legally moved out. Then when she is moved out, give her the Plan B letter and stall on the divorce.***

Sounds good to me. It will take a steel backbone, but everybody needs one of those if they want to save their marriage.

Grove, this all depends on whether you are willing to do the tough work to save your marriage. *At worst* you will end up divorced after knowing for a fact you did your best to save it, and at best you just might turn this whole thing around once you've won back your wife's respect.

But that respect is not going to come back without a fight. And that all depends on you refusing to back down anymore.

The alternative is to do what you've been doing, which is back down, roll over and do nothing. That way, you'll end up in limbo the way you are now, footing the bills year after year for a woman who is using you for a meal ticket while she goes out to have sex with other men.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
Mulan

gto:

Man! I must say I agree with Mel's suggestion 123.5%!

I never did plan B, so I was struggling with what 2 recommend you do. When I was nearing my wits end last spring, several people suggested I make an appointment with a mediator. I did, then my W tried 2 talk me out of it. She even had me going for a couple hours, such that I called the receptionist 2 cancel the appointment. Then, MBers urged me not 2 cancel, that it would have an impact that I wouldn't believe. I called them back and reconfirmed.

We went 2 the consultation meeting, spent $325 on it (significantly more expensive than a coaching session my W complained I was paying for), and things improved rapidly over the next month or 2 as a result of that meeting. She knew I'd had it.

We're still not out of the woods, because she just started withdrawal in September, but she knows I won't accept any "friendship" with RM any longer.

In your case, the contact is more frequent and in your face, because the OM lives and works in the vicinity, whereas RM lives 2 states away.

Don't make idle threats. Be sincere. But there's nothing wrong with a little "shock and awe" in si2ations like this.

-ol' 2long

Here's what I've learned from my attorney. Since there is no "abuse" going on and she's not stealing money or doing anything illegal, I can not make her move out. Also he pointed out that this will start a war, and he would need to take an additional retainer to cover the inevitable cost. He'll do it, but he believes I just need to get on with this. I'm still of the mind to move out and continue with plan b.

My wife has an appointment with her attorney for Tuesday. I called MBers and the earliest I can talk to Steve is Tuesday. Should I wait until talking to Steve before leaving?

My wife called me today on the way to work. She cried and told me that she is sorry for everything and that their is no good option (stay married and be miserable or get a divorce and be miserable), but that she couldn't live like this anymore. She isn't going to change because she doesn't believe she is doing anything wrong (her exact words). She has made her decision to see her attorney and sign the papers. I told her to do what she had to do, and while I still love her deeply I can not remain in the marriage as it presently exist. She kept saying how she likes being social and that she doesn't want to be around someone like me that she "now" views as anti-social. (A couple weeks ago I told her that I also didn't like the fact that she is now calling to another man that she used to go to High School with, so I'm controlling and anti-social).

***She kept saying how she likes being social and that she doesn't want to be around someone like me that she "now" views as anti-social. (A couple weeks ago I told her that I also didn't like the fact that she is now calling to another man that she used to go to High School with, so I'm controlling and anti-social).***

Grove, EVERY BS is accused of being controlling, rigid, and anti-social just because we'd like our spouses to stop messing with OP. Every one of us. Please stop taking her babble seriously.

What did the attorney say about *your* moving out, as far as your rights, what would happen, etc.?
Mulan

gto:

This is why plan B would help YOU and HER. It would remove you from having 2 listen 2 her nonsense, and it would give her the oppor2nity 2 reflect on just how "anti-social" you really were, by not having you around 2 accuse of being anti-social! Among a ton of other things.

So, is the plan 2 go ahead with the DV? If so, then the clock starts ticking. You can probably stay in the same house while it's ticking (I know our mediator told us that we could - but that's California), but even2ally - at least by the DV - one or both of you will have 2 leave the house. And if you can plan B, she'll have time 2 think about THAT more.

It'd still be best if you stayed and she left. Perhaps pitch it like "we'll be living apart once the DV goes through, so why not start now?" Realize, though, that you may simply have 2 agree 2 put the house on the market.

-ol' 2long

Grove-

Your attorney said you moving out would start a war?

I moved and took the kids, but Mark never wanted custody to begin with.

I don't know.....why is it okay for me to take my children...but it's not okay for you....that hardly seems fair.

Attorneys are geared to get you the best results, but I don't think any of them are aware of the MB program. The 2 attorneys I went to see were VERY confused that I didn't want a divorce. They both looked at me like I was insane.

I wish I could help you with this Grove......

I know it's none of my business, but does your WW work for SWCS???

God Bless,

-Caren

I have an appointment to see my attorney Monday to talk about my plans. So I'm not backing down again, I simply want to make sure I know what I'm doing. The last time I was at the attorney I asked him if there was any way to get her out of the house and what if I left. He said no about making her leave and that I shouldn't leave either.

I'm really not taking her babble too serious, but it is hurtful and painful to hear. I'm ok everyone, I'm not backing down and I'm trying to leave her with good thoughts and memories of what she is losing.

Caren I am so glad you responded. I was going to post to you to see how you moved out and took your kids with you. My wife wants shared custody, but she will go crazy if I take our daughter without knowledge before-hand, and to be honest, I wouldn't blame her. I'd lose it if I came home and my wife had moved out and took our daughter. I can probably do it legally, but I want to tread softly on this issue. I'm not a jerk and I'm not going to allow this situation to make me one.

Yes my wife is a teacher for SWCS, 7th grade english.

There definitely seems to be a double standard where dads are concerned in our country. Was your attorney helpful with your plan?

Caren, I read over some of your post, at one point it looked like your plan b had worked or was working. How is it going??

***Yes my wife is a teacher for SWCS, 7th grade english.***

Crikey . . . my daughter went to Norton Middle School and Westland High School . . .

Please keep us posted.
Mulan

Yeah, my daughter's go to Park Street and Brookpark.

Mulan, I didn't realize you were in Grovetucky too (or close).

Grove, I'm back in Plan B....NC with him. He seemed like he was coming out of it, but he stalled out, and I didn't like it, so we're currently not speaking again. He's not in a relationship with the OW anymore, but apparently there is still some residual fog, although he's backed off wanting to divorce me.

Grove, did you ever expose to the school??? I don't think they'd take too kindly to that sort of thing going on.

In any event Grove, I will help you any way I can, e-mail me if you'd like.

God Bless,

-Caren

I didn't really expose at the school. I'd say my little confrontation with the OM last Friday was kind of an exposure of sorts. I also called the head of personel and explained my situation. She said there wasn't anything the school district could do. Unless it directly effected the children or their work, they couldn't force the two of them to move to another school. She did say that if my wife approached them (HR/School District), then they could probably help move her to another building, but she couldn't even promise that. I also spoke to a friend who is a vice principle and he said the same thing. Teachers are union, so it makes it difficult to do something. Both my wife and the OM are "good" teachers and have recieved favorable ratings and reviews, so that also makes it difficult. Still, I should have exposed right away, but I didn't discover MBers until months after d-day and at the time my wife promised to find another job at the end of the school year, so I trusted her to do the right thing and we all know how well that works.

Mulan, I was surprised to see you are from our neck of the woods. There must be something in the water.

My wife is not wearing her wedding ring anymore and has become even more distant than usual.

I have an appointment to speak to Steve Harley on Tuesday, so I guess I'm going to hold off with plan b and moving until I talk to him. What do you all think?? Good idea or bad?

Grove,

Let me tell you a little secret....I don't think you've been here in Grove City all that long. Grove City dislikes controversy. The mayor dislikes controversy, especially when it has to do with the school system.

I've been in Grove City for 34 years. I know how this all works. To be perfectly honest, I probably know your wife, or at the very least several of her co-workers.

You need to expose.....also, if you'd like, before you go to Plan B. I wouldn't be opposed to doing a little P.I work for you....we're in the same city, it'd be so easy.

Lemme know....

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi Caren, I'm up for any PI help you can give. I'm also willing to help you with anything you need. I guess you don't do any snooping or checking up once you go to plan b, but if you need me for anything, just let me know.

I don't live near Grovetucky now - I moved to the SW USA several years ago - but I remember it well.

If you have an appointment with SH on Tuesday morning, see if you can pin him down on how to handle Plan B when the WS does not want to leave the house. Ask him if legal separation would help you.

And over the weekend, while you're waiting, do not let your wife bully you into anything.
Mulan