I need some help/advice. As I have posted in an earlier posting, when my WW and I met we were both virgins. To me this was an extremely important connection that we had. Now that my WW has admitted her PA (supposedly only once), I am having problems with the fact that she has now been with OM. Its tearing me apart and litterally makes me revulted and sick to my stomach. I am having problems overcoming this feeling and the images in my head of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Can someone out there who has gone through similar things please share how they have coped with this. Do these thoughts ever go away? I'm afraid I will never be able to be SF again. HELP please!

How long has it been since you found out? I see that you say DD was in January. Was that when the PA happened, or when you found out?

In short, I understand you. While I was not a virgin before I married my wife, I have still found it hard to get it out of my head. SF, especially so soon after, suffered greatly!

This is natural and you should expect this for awhile. Is your wife done with the affair? Is she working on the marriage? If so, she will be the biggest factor in you moving forward and putting this behind you. But she will need to learn all about this stuff and what you need. So, she may need SAA and the book on Love Busters. She may need to come here and psot herself so some of the FWWs can help her move forward, as well as for her to hear from the FBSs on how we feel and what we need. Again, if she is back in the marriage, you will need her help to get thru this problem.

In His arms.

Mortarman - Its good (I guess) to here that this is normal. This site is great support to know that others have experienced what you have and are there to support you.

Yes I did just find out about the PA last sunday. The PA itself happened over a year ago according to my WW. She says she felt guilty about it as soon as it happened and was in denial, but...she continued seeing the OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

She says she is willing to work on the marriage, but she just ended it with the OM yesterday so I guess she still needs to go through the withdrawal period. Honestly, I'm still not sure she is done with the affair, particularily the EA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess this is what the withdrawal period is about, right?

She is reluctant to read this site, and told me last night that I needed to stop asking her to read it as she didn't like to be pressured. Also I think she is still very much into her own needs and not at all into mine and what I need to help move past this. Is this normal for a WS? Will this change over time (especially as the withdrawal period progresses)? Should I be insistant that she read this site or at least the Q&A on surviving an affair? Is there a right time for her to read this (i.e. during the withdrawal period or after it)?

Sorry for all the questions, but thank you all for your answers and support. Its always good to know you are not alone in the struggle.

Wow dchelp, glad you are here at least.

I wouldn't push her. She's going to be going through he11 as she goes through withdrawal. I would print out the Infidelity FAQ's and give them to her in a week or so - no pressure. They will help her understand what she is feeling. She will be very confused about her feelings for the next 4 weeks minimum.

Make sure there is no contact as any contact sets you back. Be VERY sure it is really over. Very sure.

Wow, I am in the exact same situation. My wife and I were virgins when we started dating. She had an affair in October. It is very hard to deal with it. I know exactly how you feel.

H and I were virgins also. It is just so unfair in that respect. He played "single" for a year. Did things that I never got to do. Very difficult to accept. I know how you feel.

dc,

I have had a strong desire to have my own affair inorder to level the playing field. I know that this is a bad idea and I don't really plan to do it. But it is in my head a lot. I have read stories from other BSs who did have a counter affair and they say it just made the situation worse. I can't shake the feeling that my wife is in a 1 up position to me. I know that sounds so shallow, yet it is how I feel.

I really cherished the special connection we had being only with each other. I feel robbed, raped, and violated. We can never get that back...and it was so important to both of us...

I don't know what advice I can offer you. I am in the same situation and I am looking for the same answers on how to deal with it. For now I am just taking it one day at a time.

God Bless,
October

How do I know if its really over? I mean with out putting a cam on her head or following her all day every day. I have asked her and been kind of obnoixous about it I'm afraid, but did it to be sure. Right now I am depending on her word (which I guess is not the best way) but not sure how else to make VERY sure its really over?

DC,

put a keykatcher on your computer. Get her passwords to email and cell phone accounts. You can also get a digital voice recorder and put it in her car.

Affairs almost never end with the first attempt. I have been dealing with this crap for three months. Now I think it is finally over.

Wow, its scary how many people have gone through so many of my experiences and emotions. Its reassuring and helps to cope with the situation. THANK YOU ALL for sharing!

October- That's exactly how I feel...robbed, raped & violated. Can you explain what a keycather is and where to get one. Also she uses a computer at work so how to I capture that? I have her email accounts and cell phone accounts. Although she could be accessing a new email account at work (although I really don't think this is true.) How did you manage to get your WW to finally end it and write the NC letter?

I have been pushing for the NC letter for three months. After catching her for the sixth time resuming contact, I told her I wanted a divorce and I started working on the logistics of it. I told her I wanted her out ASAP. She finaly woke up to what she was doing and decided she was ready to write the NC letter. Now she is going through withdrawl....It amazes me because I thought we had gone through this already... Listen to all of the smart folks here...They know what they are talking about.

Check Ebay for the keykatcher (keykatch)

to all you who have been in my situation of loosing your virgin virginity, how have you dealt with this? I still love my WW very much and am not considering have my own. I know how terrible I feel and don't want to her through this, also I understand the postings on MB that this will not improve our chances of saving our marriage. But still the thoughs and images are there...how do I get ride of them. Since I found out I have had problems shutting my eyes at night and going to sleep because its all I can 'see'. I eventually fall asleep, but I can't do this for much longer. My WW trys to comfort me (it shows me she actually cares) which helps sometimes and other times makes it worse. Have you found in your experience that time and moving along the recovery plan takes care of this? Any other advice?

These are some books that helped me a bunch:

"His Need, Her Needs"
"After the Afair"
"Surviving the affair"
"The power of now"


"The power of now" helped me stop thinking about the two of them together. It helped me find inner peace. It may be too soon for you to read that one.... You do need to grieve for awhile. Grieving is part of the process of healing. It will get easier every day, I promise.

I started taking St Johns Wort pills everyday and I drink yogi brand tea with kava for stress relief. These took about a week to kick in, but then I was able to stay calm and think clearly. You can also get AD drugs from your DR.

It will take time. But it gets easier. I have been reading a lot of buddhist books on meditation. meditation trains you on how to turn the thinking off. When you stop thinking, you stop suffering.

oh! Duhhh I almost forgot...I started going to a family therapist once a week. It helps a lot to talk to an IC. I suggest you start.

This is something else that helped me a lot. Exercise. You should work out everyday. It reduces stress and gives you an endorphin rush. If you do it in the evening, you may find it easier to fall asleep.

Good Luck

October - Thanks for all the advice, I will try to take it heart. Hard to think about right now as I am overwhelmed much of the time, but I know that what you suggest is good for me so I will force myself to do it.

I am meeting 3 different ICs - 2 this friday, 1 next Tuesday - hopefully one will be a good one. Which makes think of another posting I made (titled "Help - personal or couple issues first (long)")about how to know if the IC is a pro-marriage one. Any thoughts as I evaluate the 3 ICs?

We both were virgins as well. My view was that the sexual promiscuity that most of my peers had was the reason why so many had affairs -- in other words, we were protected. I thought of it as like putting down scotch tape and taking it up again. The first time you had sex was when you were really bonded.

False belief. He admitted this to me once, in a way that was kindly and sad for him as well, "What was between Sophia and me should have been special between us." He lost the special relationship with me, too.

It's sad, it's heartbreaking, but the romantic love that should have been between the two of you only was not. You can restore the romantic love but you can't ever have it be exclusive. It takes an act of the will to turn your attention from what was lost, irrevocably lost, to what you can have.

My H broke my arm -- required three surgeries and a cast for several months -- when I threatened to call this woman, but the affair hurt worse, far worse. I told him once, and meant it, I wish he had killed me instead.

He didn't. I'm alive. He's alive. My attention needs to be on what we can have, not on what we have lost. I guess what I am saying is that you have lost the specialness of the relationship, and so has she. It's gone. Focus on what you can have. You can have a romantic relationship. She can recommit to an exclusive relationship with you. But the marriage vows were shattered.

Cherished

Wow Cherished, sorry to hear of the physical abuse. It strange how the mental can hurt more than the physical.

I am trying to do as you are and putting my attention on what we can have not what we lost...but its so hard to come to the realization that the old M is gone. Thank you for the encouragment.

Well last night I experienced something new....thoughts of inferiority. Being virgins, I had always laughed at my friends when they compared lovers, but now those thoughts are coming back to haunt me. Last night I kept having the though that she would make comparisions between me and OM, you know like physical attractiveness (which I know I am) or even worse for me (being a one-woman man) is comparision on sex and my abilities or size etc. I brought it up this morning. Not sure if that was the best idea, what do you guys think should I be fully honest about these thoughts?

Anyways she reassured me that she was not in any way making a comparision. That kinda sorta reassured me, but then she lied about the PA and has not really accepted the EA part, so how can I believe her....ahhhh...I really want to beleive and trust her again...but I know that will take time. Have others of you gone through this feeling of inferiority? How did you cope?

Yes, I have feelings of inferiority. I know that for my wife, and from what I've read most women, the best part of sex is the emotional aspect. The brain is the most important sex organ... But, I have the same thoughts as you...was he a better lover?, did he satisfy her better?, was he larger?...Did she enjoy it more with him?

I think these thoughts are normal. It seems like the more times my wife and I make love, the less these feelings and thoughts pop in my head.

Did our wives enjoy the affair sex at the time? Ofcourse...
Does that mean we are inferior? Ofcourse not....
My advice, make love to your wife often. I have read up on becoming a better lover...There are lots of websites that teach you to please a woman. I have introduced new techniques in the bedroom and have made the experience much better for my wife. She has commented on how amazing it all has been. For some reason, trying these new things to make our sex better for my wife has helped me a lot with the thoughts and inferiority feelings. We are having better and more frequent sex than before the affair.

Hope this helps in some way,
October