October - Thanks for the advice. Again its nice to know I'm not alone.


Right now neither my wife nor I feel like making love. I guess the PA is still fresh in my head. I even have trouble thinking of snuggling with her in bed like I used to every night before I found out. I guess my feeling of betrayal is too fresh. I do feel like it sometimes, but then the images return to my head, so many times I just reach out and rest my hand on her. (Baby steps I guess)

According to my wife she only had sex once with the OM. And even then felt really guilty right afterwards. So it make me think that the emotional part was what she was really craving rather than the physical part. I'm thinking that her desire for sex will return as I work on meeting her emotional needs. Should I be the one to insigate the sex or should I wait until she does? I think that it is important to the relationship, so am afraid of waiting too long....but then I don't want her to resent me for either not trying and showing her I'm attracted to her (one of her needs), nor do I want to put pressure on her to do something she is not ready for (something she has told me she does not like). Ahhh...this is all so hard (it used to be so much easier)...

So I guess my question (among the many other above) is how do I know it is the right time to instigate sex (other than having her do so)?

Try focusing on being affectionate. Holding hands, hugs... It will be difficult at first.

Cherished

Thx Cherished. We are able to do that now..holding hands, hugs....which is really nice. I guess the sex thing will come in time??

dchelp,
As far as feeling inferior, I'm there too. OW wins hands down on the scale of attractiveness and "experience". She told H that she loved SF and told him about many of her escapades. I asked him once if she was "better". His reply was that she was more enthusiastic. Well in an A who isn't?
You don't have kids to raise or chores to do...it's a fantasy.

I have come to learn for myself that it wasn't about her however her looks lured him. And it made HIM feel important.

I have obsessed about OW and all the comparisons. But with time, those comparisons fade. Believe me I was no match for her. Believe in yourself.

And on a positive note, last night H and I were talking. I asked if he had any new thoughts or memories and he said yes. He had seen OW's pic on a recreational forum he was on and he said that she wasn't even pretty, kinda funny looking. He said that now that he knows what kind of person she really is, she's actually ugly. Boy, that was nice!

It'll get better. Don't let it consume you. Change your thought pattern. Actually say to yourself...STOP thinking about this. And with time you will find you are thinking of it less. Hope that helps a little.

dchelp,

I was in your situation. Male BS, only been with my WW and she me. Now, while my marriage did not work out, it was only after reconciliation attempts and I had to get through the fact that another man shared what we had only shared.

And it is a large thing to over come. To do so, I broke it down into pieces and overcame each piece.

1st - the physical thought. Somebody else was "there." How could you go back? The physical aspect is troublesome. And what you need to do is forgive. Ask yourself this... if she were raped, would you turn her down? And I know there is a difference, in that she was willing, but from a purely PHYSICAL standpoint, is there a difference? It would be troublesome in that situation, as well. BUT, would you be able to be physical with her after a rape? If you can compartmentalize that, you may be able to get past it.

2nd - The virgin gift. You had only been with each other, and now she has "spoiled" that. A tryst for you to make everything even stevens is out. Stop and thing about your relationship. What is it about to you? Giving, or getting. What is most important - the blessing you get or the blessing you give? If you are thinking "get" well you and her will be doomed for other reasons.

If you are thinking "give," then how has YOUR virgin gift changed? The gift YOU give to her has NOT been marginalized. Only the one she gave you. But it is not about the getting, remember? SHE will have to deal with the guilt and ramifications of spoiling her gift. Yours is intact.

Hopefully, that helps. That was my thought process to get past my issues.

------

On another note. Please be VERY careful. A broken heart and contrite spirit is not denied. If she is marginalizing or minimizing what she has done to you. If she is dismissing steps that she should be willing to take if she was truly repentent (like the NC letter), you need to watch out. I have BTDT. And mine KEPT going back until I took action.

Expose early. In a matter of fact way, not a vengeful way. Insist on NC letter. Draw your boundaries. Be very careful about going down the "I'll get her back at all costs road." It is a painful one. You need to be preparing yourself for more D-Days and revelations. Prepare for these situations before hand. Otherwise, they will shut you down when they come.

NCWalker

This is a very Christian perspective, so I hope it's not offensive. Christ said, "I desire mercy and not sacrifice." The mercy you show in accepting your spouse's heartfelt regret and desire to make it up to you is what you are asked to do. It's not to tolerate disregard in an ongoing affair. The only non-controlling thing you can do that would help is to expose because "sunlight is the best disinfectant." I chuckle at the lobbyist scandal being met with ineffective tactics like not allowing former representatives in the House gym and more effective tactics like doing away with earmarking funds. Exposure is effective. Amateur PI work is not.

With the perspective of four years, I see that my father was 100% right when he said the affair showed weak character. That's all. Weak character. She never made a commitment to OM. Even with SF, the relationship was different than with you.

Cherished

This is a great thread!!

Hello,

I am so sorry for your pain. I have to tell you that I do not believe you know the whole truth. She says that she had sex with this OM a year ago only once but continued to see the OM for another year and just last week stopped seeing him. I would seriously doubt that the OM would hang around for a another year without sex. She lied to you about the affair and I am betting she is lying to you about how many times. Her story and the timeline is simply difficult to believe. It really sounds like her story is self-serving. It simply does not make sense and seems quite illogical.

I agree with Bryanp, You should prepare yourself for more bad news. I would be surprised if she is telling you the truth about the SA. WWs are much more likely to come clean about the EA than the PA. My wife lied and lied and lied until I showed her the concrete proof I had about their SA. But, she told me everything about their EA on D-day.

I would also get prepared for the ups and downs of this rollercoaster ride you are now on. Don't be surprised if more secrets come out and if contact is resumed. It will be very hard for her not to have some form of contact. She won't be able to help herself. My wife is still struggling 3 months after D-day.

bryanp - The little voice in my head hears what you are saying, but my heart doesn't. How do I find out for sure? I guess maybe the best way is bring it up in MC. Any thoughts on how to be sure to get all the information from her?

October - Last night was definately a down part. We had a heart-to-heart talk.

All, please see my posting "Help - personal or couple issues first (long)" and let me know if you have any thoughts.