I'm 34, been married 10 years this month. We have 4 kids together. I'm not happy anymore and I want out. I've read a lot of the posts on here and the majority of them say to work on your marriage, most can be fixed if you were in love at one time. I'm not sure where to start. Please be patient, I have a long list and really need to get it out and hopefully receive some advice.

- We tried marriage counseling. After I was done talking once, the counselor said to him, "I get the feeling that while your wife is talking, you're not hearing a word she says. I think that you're busy thinking about what you are going to say next instead." He hit the nail on the head, that's how I've always felt when we talk - about anything!

- I can remember the moment I fell in love with him. I was at his house and was watching him play outside with his two daughters (ages 4 & 6 at the time). I thought, WOW, what a great Dad. He is so good to them. He had a nice house, he was a nice guy, he treated me great and he was an awesome Dad. Unfortunately, he's not like that with our kids. I realize now that he was just being a "good Dad" because he only had them on weekends and he resented his x-wife so much that he was trying to win them from her, via being a perfect Daddy.

- He treats me well, tells me he loves me, hugs me, etc. But it's not enough for me. I have to ask him to spend time with the kids. I have to whisper in his ear to tell him to be excited about the sculpture his daughter made for him in art class, etc. etc. etc.

- He is the most negative, pessamistic person I have ever met. Yes, I'm sure he was that way when we met, I'm not sure how I missed it. The littlest thing can happen and he'll freak out over it. I am always saying to him, "Why are you so upset? Does this really affect your life that much? Is it really that big of a deal?" His answer is always "no", but he still continues. A couple examples: a cup of milk spilled on the kitchen floor. Can be cleaned up with one paper towel. He freaks saying that it's going to ruin the floor. He overreacts about everything and it's driving me crazy.
- Our parenting methods are totally different. Everytime I get a plan in place, i.e. discipline, etc., it falls apart because he can't stick to it, or he goes overboard. A couple of month ago, we started this thing where each kid starts the week with a certain dollar amount. Each time they break a house rule, they lose a dime. Each time an item of theirs is left out, after we've asked them to put it away, they lose a dime. He is either all or nothing about it. He will yell at them and take away 5 dimes for one rule, or he'll let it slide and not do anything. He just can't get himself to follow the one dime per rule thing.
- He's ANAL about so many things. Even my parents and our neighbors laugh at him about this. He will come home and see some balls in the yard. Before he even says Hi to anyone, he has to go around and pick up the balls. Even if the kids are still playing with them! Or if the playroom is a mess. He knows that it's a house rule that the kids don't go outside on Saturdays until their playroom is clean. He can't handle it being messy for a week and he cleans it up himself. Even though it's in the basement and no one would ever see it. It's not like it stays messy forever, it's cleaned on a weekly basis, if he doesn't get to it first. He does the same thing for their rooms, their clothes, etc. I take a dime away if I see their dirty clothes laying around, as our rules state. He can't handle walking over a pair of socks, so he picks them up. I get so mad at this, because our kids are never going to learn responsibility if he keeps cleaning up their messes for them. Child discipline / child raising is probably the biggest problem I have with him.

We've talked and talked and talked about this. I've told him that I would not be as crabby and would not gripe at him so much if he would make an effort to change. He has said he would, but has not. He really makes no effort at all. I've told him that I am not happy and I want to leave, but do not because of the kids. He still makes no effort. I daydream about packing up the kids and moving to a small town somewhere - all the time!

He would be a mess if I left, that's the main reason I stay. I loved him once, I do care about him. I do not want to hurt him, so I stay. I saw how he was when his last wife left him. He was a disaster. This sounds bad, but he's a weak person emotionally and is very sensitive. He used to cry when his daughters left because the house was so quiet. How could I do that to him? But is it fair that I stay here as my life passes me by? Is it fair to our kids that could be being raised in a happy home, without all the yelling? I think being in a happy single parent home has got to be better than being in an unhappy two parent home..... am I wrong?
Another reason I stay - a selfish reason I admit. I am a stay at home Mom. I worked full-time up until our last child was born. With four kids, I could not afford to work and send them to daycare, etc. I have a very wealthy relative that will be leaving his inheritance to us in a few years. I can't picture being able to live without that. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. Also, I stay for my parents. They like him, although they are slowly realizing what he's like. But in their eyes, it's not reason for divorce.

So I stay..... for the kids (I think?), for my parents, for him, for the money and stability.....but not for me.

Please help me, someone, offer me some advice. Yes, I want out, yes I daydream about being free, being along with the kids. I have no feelings for him, almost everything he does irritates me, he really can do no right in my eyes. But I'll be the first to admit that I did love him once and yes, I'd like to have that back if I could. But we've tried, he makes no efforts to change. So how does one get the love back if one partner is unwilling to change?

Thanks in advance for all and any help.

First off, welcome to marriage BUILDERS. Please take some time to read through the information under the "Basic Concepts" of this site. I would also recommend reading through a couple other books, one being His Needs/Her Needs to gain some understanding as well as the 5 Languages of Love, to gain some perspective.

I read through your laundry list and it's quite impressive. That you've allowed all those resentments to build-up inside you, it's no wonder you feel hopeless. Through all of that I'm only going to comment on one sentence.


I think first we must have an understanding on this. From what you've said above, it appears that both partners are unwilling to change. I believe in one examply you said you "would" do this if "he" did that, well I hope you can see how far that is going to get you. If you read through all this here info on this site you're going to see that the focus is squarely on one person, you. What can you do to make things better, this is for a reason and that is because you can only control one person and that is yourself.

What this site recommends is that YOU take responsibility for your behavior. That you eliminate all Love Busters (Independent Behaviors, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, etc) from your interaction with your partner. That you find out what your partners emotional needs are and meet the top 5 without exception. Those are all things you control. But here's the kicker, when you focus on you and clean your side of the street your partner is forced to change because the situation as a whole has changed.

Bottom line, is that love is choice that requires not only your heart but your actions. What are you willing to do?

ps.... So I don't scare you off. These priciples are designed for both of you to work them together but the bottom line is you've got to be willing to work on you....

LostHusband made some good points.

It sounds like your husband is overreacting to a lot of little stuff instead of telling you what is really bothering him. Maybe he's scared, or maybe he's not even sure what it is that he needs. Instead of saying the split milk is no big deal, ask him why it bothers him. Have him list his pet peeves and agree to work on the top few (even if they seem stupid). I suspect that it's something deeper than those things that is really bothering him, but it may help for him to see that you care enough to work on those things.