I am so upset with my FWH. D-day for me was almost 7 weeks ago. Since that time all except 2 days I have spent crying. The A was brief and long distance and has been over for 4 years. I have been to the dr. b/c of dehydration and I fell ( I guess I blacked out or something ) in the grocery store. I am trying to hold it together for our 4 beautiful children but every day is soooo hard.

My FWH does not understand HOW I can be so upset even though he tries. He feels he is a new man now that he is free from his guilt and wants me to join him in his happiness. Since d-day we have been closer than ever. I am trying b/c I feel he really is trying to help and that he does truly love me. But of course I feel like an open wound.

My anger today is about the superbowl. He wants to take $2000 plus of our $ and leave me and the kids to go to the superbowl. He has told me he would resent me if I did not let him go and that it is his birth rite to see a superbowl. Is he kidding or what? What about my birth rite to a faithful husband? Give me a break. I do understand his desire to go but come on leave me here to just be a blubbering mess all weekend. (not to mention he travels for his job and has been gone 3/4 weekends in Jan) He has always been selfish which I believe led to the A "Hey she wants me why not" not considering me or the ramifications of the A. This is the 1st cahnce he has had to not be selfish and he has failed miserably. I feel like I just get what he gives me not what I need.

If I put my foot down he will resent me if he goes I will resent him although the fight he is putting up is resentment enough. Any suggestions?

What does your integrity demand you do?

intergity = firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values

The Policy of Joint Agreement
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse



Unless you both are in agreement and both feel enthusiastic about an issue as big as this ... agree to nothing you are NOT enthusiastic about !!!

THAT is where your integrity comes into play ... not caving in to threats ...

I had him read that last night and his reply was that by me not agreeing to him going I was in violation of the policy. Is he just a master manipulator or what? I am really beginning to feel emotionally abused. Not just b/c of this but YEARS of him trying to convince me I am the on who is wrong when the root of our problems in this marriage was his guilt over his infidelity.

Is there a large age difference between you and your H?

No not at all just 6 months why?

>Is he just a master manipulator or what

Yes.

>He has told me he would resent me if I did not let him

Emotional extortion. Apparently you resenting him if he DOES go means nothing to him.

Refer to Peps post above.

You know your boundries. When he crosses them what are the consequences of his actions?

- Kimmy

You are right he has no consequences. He did not even spend one night out of our bed. I feel weak b/c I need him so much more now than I did before I knew. I feel like I will have to put up walls and trudge along in this marriage not getting everything I deserve b/c he is not willing ot be a grown up.

I told him last night he was a little boy and he told me I was acting like I was his mother by not agreeing wholeheartedly to let him go. The thing is his mother NEVER would have said no to him. She waited on him hand and foot and let him get away with everything! So he now thinks he can do whatever he wants and make it up to me later.

He is a good man otherwise but the selfishness is just so consuming and wrong when I need him to be strong and understanding.

How is he planning to get into the Superbowl at this late date?

Or, has his plan been in the works for awhile undercover and he's just now revealing it?

Or, is he really planning some other activity for a weekend?

He's not a Seattle fan, is he? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You certainly did marry a little boy! Heck, my kids used to throw that kind of attitude with me when they were 15. They outgrew it!


Sure, he feels relieved because he has had four years of guilt and now he has transfered the ball to you. This is new information for you and it doesn't matter that it happened in the past. You suddenly realize that everything you have thought was true for FOUR YEARS, is based on lies.

It seems that everything is about what HE needs, and nothing about what you need or feel.

Is he willing to see a marriage counselor. IMHO, it appears he needs to hear some things from someone other than you to believe them.

WHo

He has been talking about going
IF we can both go--cant happen 4 kids remember honey?
IF he can get a ticket for $1000 scratch that $1500 ok $2000
IF he has the ticket in his posession b4 he leaves---
so far no ticket

All these factors led up to he was not going but now that its closer he is willing to just go and take his chances on a ticket.

No not Seattle...

We do see a councelor we actually are going in an hour. He said last week that I should let him go and I should get something in return like new curtains or something.

Maybe compromise and buy a nice HDTV to watch the game at home? Boys like toys.

just trying to get a feel for the relationship dynamics

Sometimes, do you think that you NEED your husband more than you WANT him?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking more like a $2000 cruise

I think Pep is on the right track.

I won't come close to saying that his expectations are reasonable, but a guy having the desire of attending a Superbowl once is typical guy stuff - especially if his team is involved and he's been a long time loyal fan. Is this the case?

Assuming this IS the case, isn't there something equally frivolous you think you would really like to do as your part of the deal? My logic is that he needs to see more than just his side of it and curtains don't do it.

I can recomend some family friendly resorts in the islands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But the bottom line is that he certainly sounds like he has some growing up to do.

For you, do you have any idea how fortunate you are to have the chance to rebuild a marriage after an affair that ended without you even knowing it existed? I say this just for balance. There are folks here who would gladly trade places with you.

WAT

I like this idea. Something you can share rather than each of you getting something.

I'm a guy who is a rabid football fan. If there's a game on, I'm watching it. That having been said, I have NEVER considered I have a birthright to go to the Super Bowl. No one…NO ONE…has the right to take that much of the family’s resources to spend on such a frivolous, self-indulgent trip. It’s unconscionable and you should NOT let him get away with it, period.

Let him "resent" it all he wants. If you have to be the adult in the marriage, so be it. You wouldn't give in to a petulant child wanting a new toy he doesn't need, and you shouldn't give in to your hubby in this matter either.

BTW, when I was married, I only watched one game a weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't think you married a little boy, I think being a WS causes some real emotional regretion. In other words--the grown man you married is now acting like a four-year-old. (I have seen some instances of this myself with my own FWH.) Engaging in an affair at all is really the epitome of selfish behavior. Once the affair has gone on for a while, I think it just becomes second nature for the WS to think only of themselves. I have only just started coming to terms with the fact that this is not the type of habit that is going to go away overnight.

BUT HE NEEDS TO START MAKING AN EFFORT. A $2000+ football trip is not a small indulgance. He needs to understand that it really isn't all about him. There will be lots of other Superbowls, but there is only one YOU. Tell him to make plans to go to the game next year, but for now, he needs to focus on activities that can begin to heal the damage he has caused.

He'd be lucky, very lucky, to find a ticket for 2 grand.

http://www.ticketsnow.com/tickets.cfm/p=208235