IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO PUT THIS DAMAGING EVENT BEHIND ME & US ONCE AND FOR ALL, I NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. I NEED TO KNOW THE REAL REASONS WHY MY HUSBAND CHOSE TO:

…break his promise to me regarding ending his platonic relationship with his ex-wife
• He Says: First he said that ex-wife was upset & didn’t want to end the friendship. Then he said HE didn’t want to end the friendship because they were more compatible as friends vs. a married couple.
• I say: That’s a lame excuse for breaking a promise.

…continue his friendship with his ex-wife, behind my back, even though he had promised me he would end it

• He says: Because he and Joan didn’t want to end their friendship. He justified his actions by the telling himself that since I had an ongoing relationship with my ex-husband (the father of my daughter) he should be able to do the same, even though they have neither children nor ties of any kind. He KNEW that friendship would never lead to inappropriate behavior and he also knew I would never understand that.
• I say: Per Dr. Harley, affairs begin by “just being friends.”

…disregard my feelings regarding his friendship with his ex-wife

• He Says: Because I wouldn’t understand that he and his ex-wife could be friends and have the relationship go no further.
• I say: However, Tom has previously said that men and women cannot remain friends without “something happening.” Why all of a sudden does this rule not apply to him?

…lie to me for 11 years about his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife
• He Says: He didn’t want to lose me
• I say: He didn’t care enough about me, our relationship or our marriage to be honest – the very thing I need the most. If he knew I’d be upset about his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife, why didn’t he “know” that dishonesty is conducive to ruining a marriage? Without honesty there is nothing on which to base & build a relationship.

…tell me, and then allow me to continue to falsely believe that he did not reciprocate his ex-wife’s affections by calling her & sending greeting, holiday & birthday cards.

• He Says: He never said he didn’t reciprocate. He also said that to reciprocate means to speak directly to, which is something he claims he did not do.
• I say: He DID tell me he did not reciprocate, then later decided God was telling him to “come clean” and tell me the truth. In my opinion, returning phone calls & sending birthday, holiday & special occasion greeting cards IS reciprocation. Furthermore, if he DID NOT speak with her am I to believe he was made aware of detailed information about the baby adoption via messages left for him @ work? I sincerely doubt it. He later recanted his statements to say he HAD spoken with her about the adoption and her possible re-marriage.

…lie to me about his desire to remain friends with his ex-wife. Why not discuss his TRUE feelings?
• He Says: Because Lori wouldn’t understand
• I say: I would not have remained in this relationship if I knew he had refused to end his relationship with his ex-wife. There is and was no reason whatsoever for them to continue a relationship, however above-board or platonic, especially after her behavior of making a multitude of telephone calls, crying & begging him to take her back.

…keep the birthday card from his ex-wife in his planner for nearly a month after receipt.

• He Says: He “forgot” it was there.
• I say: FIRST he said he kept it because he was “thinking about calling her” to thank her because “she was nice enough to send it.” Then he said he DID call her mobile phone and left a message indicating the dates of his next three scheduled work shifts. Then he said he forgot the card was in his planner. However, he uses his planner on a very regular basis. I feel he is lying and I want to know the truth.

Question:

Did Tom engage in an “emotional affair?”
• He Says:
• She Says: I haven’t asked him outright, but I can guess he’ll say “no.” However, I say “yes.” Their “friendship” was so important to him that he was willing to risk losing our marriage, home & lifestyle in order to remain “friends” with his ex-wife.

I don't really know what to say. Frankly, I get lost in all the "He says," the names, etc. If you're asking if these instances you've cited are red flags indicating there might be an EA, or a PA, going on, then yes. In a sense, even if he's telling you the Gospel truth and there is no more going on, he is still in an EA because some degree of his time and energy are tied up with a woman outside your marriage. Even if the indicators turn out to mean nothing more than they appear on their face, they are still monumentally disrespectful to you and it has to be resolved.

Have you seen any other signs he might be in an affair?

Six months later the supposed "truth" is still coming to light. I wrote the post simply as a way to vent, organize my thoughts & feelings and prepare for the possiblity of a phone couseling session with Dr. Harley. Last night, when I asked H how he felt about a phone counseling session, he said he'd be uncomfortable & prefers to fix our marriage by ourselves. After sharing, yet again, some of the unanswered questions he finally answered them. I heard details of their conversations, of his "need" to call her when they hadn't spoken in a three months or so, how they exchanged birthday, holiday & special ocassion cards, how it was "hard" for him to end that part of his life, etc., etc. While the truth hurts a LOT, I'd much rather know the truth. What makes it so difficult is that their EM continued for the entire 11 years of our relationship until it was discovered in August. There is not one time or event that I can think back to and know he wasn't sharing his life with her, even IF it was only in words. She heard about my daughter from a previous marriage, our vacations, probably just about everything. Will I ever stop hurting? Will the feelings of betrayal ever go away? How can I get past this once and for all? He doesn't understand how I can possibly be so hurt because, after all, he feels he did nothing wrong because he didn't sleep with her, or so he says. He says he chose me, not her, because after all he is with me. But he was also "with" her in thought and deed. It takes time and planning to purchase and send cards, make phone calls from work. How can I get past this?[color:"blue"] [/color]