Ok, so where to begin.

My wife and I have been married for three years, and have a two year old son together. The "opposites attract" deal is us, which was very engaging when we first started dating 5+ years ago, but we have naturally grown apart over the years... and I found out on Xmas Day, of all days, that she has been talking daily to a married guy (who we both know), and the discussions included a lot of sexual flirting (there have been others too). He lives in another state, but she travelled up to a Xmas Party without me, where he was, and I'm convinced they got it on... as they clearly wanted to. Furthermore, our sex life has been dead for months, as she explains we have no emotional connection, and she needs that to have sex. I told her I would divorce in a heartbeat if she ever cheated on me. She claims they never got physical, and she is no longer talking to him, but I am ruined, as I don't trust her now... and when I asked her if she did sleep with him, would she tell me, she said no... so, seeing how she lies often, I'm convinced they acted on their fantasy.

To make matters more complicated, she blames me.. by saying that I have not been able to give her the emotional support she requires, and he did. Therefore, to salvage our marriage she is putting the responsibility all on me to finally treat her with ultimate respect, kindness, and love... which understandly is nearly impossible for me to do right now, while I am in recovery, and need HER to work on earning my trust back first... which she is not very interested in doing.

And to make matters even more complex, I've noticed a pattern in my wifes behavior where she sabotages relationships and goes into flight mode, which she admits. She has also been very timid with me in bed, claiming I am too dominating. I know this is all based on the fact that when she was 17, she was held hostage for 2 days and raped repeatedly by a boyfriend she had recently broke up with. She has anxiety attacks, is very high maintenance, and expects me to fix her, as she has never been capable of confronting this in counseling.

NOW... we argue daily, and have been for a long time... and I believe it is beginning to take a toll on our 2 year old, as he is displaying subtle outbreaks, temper tantrums, etc.. himself. I'm very concerned for him, and don't know what to do. We are seeing a counselor once a week, which I am trying to increase to twice a week... but every single day is a huge challenge to get through.

I've read some of the methodology on this site, but haven't found any that clearly addresses my situation.

Is my only option, to curb my broken heart, embrace my wife with 100% kindness everyday, and, in my opinion, enable her to continue to "sabotage and flight" our marriage?

I've found that when I try to just let go my own needs, and love her unconditionally, she takes advantage of it. She is a stay at home mom, but doesn't come close to doing the job... never cooks, never cleans the house, never does chores, etc... She is not financially responsible, and is not willing to get a job. She has used the threat of divorce as a weapon to get her way MONTHLY through the three years of our relationship... She lies to me often, as she is afraid I will get upset with her if she is honest, which frankly I do get upset with her quite often. She has disowned my family which is 2000 miles away and forbids me to bring my son to visit them.. nor come with me... the list goes on and on. With all that said, she is a very out-going, proud individual, who I believe is too ashamed to initiate a divorce, and instead would prefer to torture me to initiate it.. or find someone else, to ease her transition.

HELP! Despite her flaws, I do love her, and I just want a peaceful, happy marriage to raise our son.. and perhaps another child in!

Are we just not compatible? Is she not capable of fulfilling a marriage at this point in her life?

Hopeless,
The Knight

Hi, welcome Knight. Did you rescue this damsel in distress and is that why you are Knight? Back in a minute. Don't want you to think MB people aren't going to respond to you.

Knight - you need to gather evidence from other people at the party. Look at the FAQ's on this site esp the infidelity ones. Keep reading & posting here.

Okay, firstly, you posted in General Questions, but you say in the topic In Recovery.

General Questions has a lot of traffic, but technically you're not in Recovery because you're not far enough along to qualify. You should be posting in Just Found Out.

Which doesn't mean you aren't welcome. We all have been skinned alive in the infidelity department, when we learn about an affair. Skinned alive and rolled in salt.

Okay, you know she's at least had an EA (emotional affair) and that she has some problems. The trauma of the event with her ex boyfriend is serious. Did she receive therapy for that?

The other behaviors, threatening divorce, not wanting your family around or not allowing you to take your boy to visit your family, are signs of a selfish controlling individual.

Have you read Plan A, Plan B, and How Affairs Should End? Also the Love Bank section. They are really excellent. Also look for Worth A Try's posts about affairs and Mortarman's posts. They are valuable aids. Lastly, consider counseling with the Harleys. The devised the whole Marriage Builders plan and they know it better than any of us veterans here.

Post back, okay? And hug your boy for me.

Ok, so here's the deal on PLAN A. She has ceased all communication with the man (lets call him Kronk) who she was having the EA with, and I'm still convinced that it was more than an EA, but that's beside the point.

NOW... about a month before Kronk, she found an old friend from kindergarten, who lives close to us, is single, and they have re-established a close friendship. We'll call him Hero. They apparently never dated, and she claims he is a highly desired bachelor who is not interested in her... but my wife is very engaging, beuatiful, and a lot of fun... and she has become fairly close to him, sharing intimate details of our marraige with him, etc...

Now, while I believe she is done with Kronk, particularly since he is 1500 miles away, I am very concerned about her supposed "innocent" friendship with Hero, and I have requested, unsuccessfully, that she stop all communication with him as well. She claims she is not interested in living a life where I control everything she does, and who her friends are... and says I have nothing to worry about, he is just a friend.

I did write an email to Hero a few months ago, after finding an email between him and my wife about sex, asking him to please respect our marraige and refrain from flirting with my wife. He did not respond to me, and instead called my wife, who got mad at me, as she said that embarrassed her, and I took it all out of context.

My suspicion is this.. my wife has broke it off with Kronk, and has really always wanted Hero, who is closer, not married, and much more desireable. The trick here is getting Hero to fall for her, which I believe she is working on through flirting with him, connecting emotionally with him, developing a friendship with him as someone to turn to about her marrital problems, etc... she trusts him, he cares for her, etc... I'M EVEN MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HERO NOW, THAN KRONK!!

Sorry this is SOOO LONG!

What I am trying is to get her to recognize the value in the:
(a) Policy of Undivided Attention (where we spend 15 hrs a week on US time)
(b) Policy of Joint Agreement (which plays into Hero..)

How do I get her live up to an agreement to stop communicating with any men that I am not comfortable with, while she works on earning my trust back... and INSTEAD invest in our Love Bank?????

The Knight