I entered my relationship with my current bf of 3.5 yrs after a very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage in which my ex-h cheated on me continuously and made frequent trips to prostitutes. Thankfully, when I left that marriage, I tested negative for any STDs. Unfortunately, my soul had a bit of healing to do after going through five years of battering.

I met my bf and we hit it off. We had so many common interests, liked each other and all in all, I thought (and many others) we had the perfect relationship. We loved each other, understood each other, knew what our insecurities were and worked earnestly to be a source of support, love and comfort for each other. We promised each other that we would always let the other person know if things got to the point that cheating. We were working towards a future together.

In the last year or so, things weren't the same.. He used to say "I guess the honeymoon is over" when we got into fights about normal things like our schedules, household chores, etc. It started out that I felt that he was being more distant and I attributed that to a recent promotion that came with more stress and twice the workload. I just didn't get his attention when I needed to talk to him about what I though was wrong in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we still had a lot of fun together, but IMO it was a way to hang on to whatever connection we had at that point in our lives (which was full of stress from both ends). In spite of all that, and what some others though as disrespectful flirting on his end (I allowed it as he felt that it was his way of feeding his ego as he never felt that he was very attractive - I had enough self-confidence to know that it was harmless - wish I thought differently) I felt we still had a connection, I still felt that I was the only one he had eyes for. I still felt loved. I still felt beautiful. I always thought that we would be able to work through anything because I trusted him and knew that he loved me.

Everything fell apart...

He went on a business trip and while there, we had a few small fights due to 1) My insecurity that there were prostitutes that propositioned him last time he was at that location and the memories of my ex as well as the actions of my some of my male friends. I trusted him implicitly but I couldn't help but to make sure that it was a route that he wouldn't take. 2) Stress from ongoing events in our life 3) Lack of communication from him while he was so far away.

It is normal for him to go out to the bars and clubs by himself if he is traveling by himself. I never gave it a second thought. I didn't want him to stay in his hotel room if that was something he didn't want to do. My stance had always been that he was responsible for his own actions. I trusted him enough not even think about controlling his whereabouts when we are apart. After all, I am not his babysitter, I am not his parent and I trusted him. He also often reminded me (and others in our circle) that cheating was the most demeaning and worst thing someone could do while in a relationship.

I was diagnosed with an STD not long after he returned and not by any infidelity on my part. It all came out.. He was completely trashed at a bar there when he was started talking to a woman who went up to the bar to buy a drink. He bought her a drink, continued on his usual spiel, talked, flirted and before he knew it, he agreed to go back to her hotel so they could have another drink. Come on now…. Like he didn’t know what was going to happen there!!! He thought that it would be an ego boost, was intent on continuing to receive the flattery he got from this woman and thought that he would leave after the drink. So, they were in her hotel room having more drinks and it lead up to making out and eventually sex. I am crushed. Not only did he do something that went against everything he told me and everything that he believed in but I am now at risk of infertility as a result of his actions. I asked him why and he said that it was his intoxication, the thrill of being so blatantly pursued by someone different who in his words was not hot but not “unattractive” but was so direct in her advances that it made him feel attractive that it became very difficult for him to not want to have sex with her. When it did eventually get to that point, it wasn’t until after he realized what he was really doing that he stopped (after five minutes of f*cking???? – I should think that it would take less time and even being in the hotel room with her.  ) pulled his pants up and fled the room.

I am obviously still trying to figure out what to do. I can understand how he may have had a moment of weakness in light of his insecurities… e.g. he’s overweight, his temples are greying, etc. but I had done everything in my power to try and make him feel better about himself. I would consider myself to be very intelligent and also attractive based on the amount of attention I receive from other men. I am quite a bit younger than him, though 7 years is not a huge difference when you are in your late 20’s, mid 30’s and cannot understand for one moment how he could sacrifice our history and my heart for the sake of a half-complete one night stand. I am at wits end and I no longer feel like I have very much to live for. I need help… Can anyone explain to me how and why this can happen or why someone who was so against it and claimed to be in love with me, do this to me? He was so drunk that he didn’t even think to protect himself or me  I am waiting for the results of additional tests and do not know what I will do when I get the results back. Someone help please.

I was due to visit his family the week after it happened and needless to say, I don't think he wanted to open this can of worms before I arrived. In addition, I had several ongoing projects that were very important and the stress of his confession (as he says) would have prevented me from performing well. Unfortunately, it all came out right before the most important week and I failed miserably because of the symptoms of the STD that came out and the inevitable confrontation. He was going to tell me but wanted to wait until things got to a less stressful point for me.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him. He wants to do whatever possible to make this up to me but I just can't see how he can. What makes me even angrier is that for a while there, he was saying.. "I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?" I would think that he would do everything in his power to...... The deed has been done, my heart is broken and now I have an STD - the results are due anytime now. Our relationship is broken as I see it now and I don't know what to do to fix it.

BTW, the reason why his cheating was so unfathomable to me is that he'd picked out a ring in August and had planned on proposing to me on New Year's Eve. (This I know from close friends who helped him plan it out) We had our little tiffs and fights but I thought we were stronger than that. Right now, I have asked him not to discuss this with anyone since (so we can work through this without our friends knowing) but I'm not sure that it is such a great idea anymore. At this very moment, he is actually on a business trip returning to the same city (later on this week) where he did this. I am a mess but at the same time, I feel myself not caring

The same questions are still plaguing me:
1) Am I getting the entire truth about that night?

2) If it was so easy for him to cheat (after knowing this woman for only 1 hr at the bar) and if it was it was so easy for him not to stop after making out with her, how many times has he done this before?

3) What was it about the other woman that made him think that he couldn't pass up the opportunity? I am beautiful, smart and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for but he wanted to screw someone who he didn't really think was that hot? 7 on his scale - What's the point there? I'd like to think that I was his "once in a lifetime" opportunity. I can't see how he can say that he loves me so much.

4) If he can't come up with a reason (without my leading questions) as to why he did it - what does that mean?

5) Could he have truly been so hammered that this happened? We didn't even have unsafe sex until after a year of dating and he has unsafe sex with some stranger?????

I hate feeling like a victim... but I feel myself falling further and further into despair

You are not married? Ummmmm, RUN!

Mu5e,

I know you are hurting and feel so betrayed. But if you are not married to this man, I would definatly leave. If he cannot be faithful in dating, then I would doubt he could be in marriage. But thee are a lot of other people on this board with a lot more good advice than I can offer.

But, I know how you feel. Betrayed and hurt. Wondering how he could stoop so low...
I understand.
blessings Mu5e

Mu5e,

I gotta go against the other way. Don't run. Not from him or yourself. Find some answers in yourself before moving on, if that's what you choose.

What did you learn about yourself in your first marriage? What feels the same in this one besides what the other person is doing? What are your expectations, patterns and ways you love?

That's where I would go with this. No blame, just contemplation. You're worth it.

LA

Mu5e - ahhhh....the old "the alcohol MADE me do it!" excuse. Suffice it to say he can't handle alcohol, among other things that he can't handle.

"Forsaking all others" is part of a MARRIAGE commitment, not an agreement to shack up. Abstaining from sex outside of marriage is God's command, but people choose to ignore God all the time, in or out of marriage.

The fact that he was "unfaithful" to you is unfortunate, but playing with STD "Fire" is also indicative of a brain that doesn't think with the "grey matter," but uses the "pink matter" instead. Not exactly great "marriage material.

I certainly hope that your STD is treatable AND curable.

If there is ANY desire on the part of either of you to try to stay together, you both need some serious counseling. So if staying together is the route you choose, you've both proven that "doing it yourself" doesn't work, so get professional counseling.

God bless.

Mu5e, I would suggest running for your life and thanking the good Lord that you were warned before you made a real committment. Can you imagine dealing with affairs and STDs with 3 toddlers, a mortgage, and no job? Because that is likely what you will be signing on for if you stay with him.

And when that happens, you won't be a victim, but a volunteer, because you knew what he was like.

Dating is supposed to be a tryout to determine if the candidate is good marriage material. It does without saying that adultery, STD's, dishonesty are not the traits that make for a good marriage partner. I would have to say that he failed this tryout.

Fortunately, we live in a country where women are FREE to choose their marriage partners. Please don't squander that freedom on a bad choice that you KNOW will damn you to a life of he11.

Probably not.


Who can say? Maybe none.


It's not about LOOKS. A confident, sexually aggressive woman doesn't have to be a beauty to make married men want to [censored] her. She just has to find guys who don't know what their boundaries are.


Maybe it means he prefers not to examine himself.


No, he could not have been "so hammered" that he had no ability to resist. No way. An ethical man would know to draw the line no matter how intoxicated.

Here's the revealing quote from him:

"I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?"

He wants to just "fix" the problem and move on. That's not all bad, and most would say it's typical for a man.

But if he sticks to the "sucker for flattery" + "very drunk" excuse, I'd say that's a bad sign. Very bad.

I think you should probably leave him. He's blown the audition.

On a different but related topic: where is he going on business that he keeps tripping over prostitutes?

GC

If you had known that he was capable of this type of behavior when you first met him, would you have entered into the relationship?

If you stay with him, do you have plans to marry him someday?

Now you know what he is capable of. Is this really what you want your life to be?

IMHO, you need to remove this person from your life and get things straight with yourself before moving into another relationship.

Needless to say, I am devastated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Some answers for your questions:

If you had known that he was capable of this type of behavior when you first met him, would you have entered into the relationship?

No - although if otherwise, I would have given it much thought before actually committing to him. He would have been something fun rather than something serious


If you stay with him, do you have plans to marry him someday?

I had my doubts about jumping into marriage again after my last one. What do they say, "once bitten, twice shy?" There were other factors preventing me from willingly accepting a proposal from him.. Mostly to do with myself and goals that I needed meet before I could give myself fully. One of those being that I needed to recover from the five long years of abuse that I endured at the hands of my ex as well as rebuilding my self-esteem because of all the battering and cheating my ex did to me. I felt that he needed a complete and healthy me before I was willing to marry him. I was so close.

Now you know what he is capable of. Is this really what you want your life to be?

On one hand, he has been so remorseful and disgusted with himself about screwing someone else that it is possible that he will not do it again. On the other hand, the fact that he did it fully knowing what I went through is another issue. When we met, we made a pact with each other not to stray before notifying the other person. I thought it was a great thing to do.. however, I didn't know that he suggested that because he was insecure that I was the one who would cheat on him.. (You see, all his past relationship LTR have ended because of infidelity from the women he'd dated) I am a mess. I have so many conflicting emotions and I am absolutely driving myself crazy.

I'm not sure that his complete disregard had nothing to do with me. I find it difficult to go out, these days. I get so much attention (I don't seek it out) from other men and find myself regressing back to my old pre-marriage thought process of "They're only after one thing." I think this is so unhealthy and due to the fact that I did not get anyone's time of day until I was older (really late bloomer). I find myself loathing men, and I find that I compare myself constantly with women who have the same characteristics (or in general since he will not divulge her exact description) as the woman he screwed that night. It's driving me crazy and I feel so worthless that I could not even keep someone from cheating on me even with all my attributes. I really really really don't know how to make this all better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He was in Asia. I can't say the exact location (not thailand) because I would like to maintain some anonymity on both our parts.

We had a good laugh about the propositions he'd received last year. I trusted him but like I said, there's always that tiny smidgen of doubt that creeps in due to my experience in the past - which was always laid to rest because the difference between my ex and he was night and day. I do not think he would be capable of hiring the services of a prostitute as it is just another tourist attraction from where he's from.

Mu5e, I think you should accept the fact that you cannot change this man and that there is a high liklihood that what you see here is what you will get in the future.

At least, if you do decide to stay with him, you KNOW FULL WELL what you are getting and can't complain if it happens again. But the fact remains that you cannot change him and acceptance of this truth should be the key to your decision making.

ML is so right.

He has given you a very clear indication of what you can expect in your marriage.

I married a guy who cheated on me before we were married and he went on to cheat numerous times during our marriage. He was always really sorry and going to totally change afterwards. He just got better hiding it.

3 kids and 11 years later we divorced after another LTA.

And you know what? I volunteered to be treated that way by marrying a man I knew was not only capable of cheating but had clearly demonstrated his desire to do so.

He didn't cheat because he was drunk.

He didn't hide it from you until after you found out by getting an STD because he was drunk.

He didn't have UNPROTECTED SEX with you because he was drunk.

He did it because of a lack of concern for you and selfishness.

Think very hard before continuing on with a man who has already shown you what your value to him is.

FIM

BTW: Going out to bars and drinking and behaving in the manner he does when out of town is not the only thing he can do to get out of a hotel room. I'd consider his preference to spend his time there another red flag.

I'm with Mel and FIM. Not only did he cheat before you are even married, but he also took a gamble with your life by not using protection. Sheesh, even the prostitutes in this country know enough to use protection. His behavior is FRIGHTENING to me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bars and clubs are comfort zones for the both of us so I am not so sure that he knows how to have fun in any other way....

We are both very close friends with people in the nightlife industry. This is the medium that we met in, and how we had identified ourselves individually (socially) prior to meeting each other. So, it is not unusual for either of us to party and I will say that I have done the same when I travel alone [e.g. go out and meet people - not for sex/relationship but because of the common interests in music. I ALWAYS make it very clear that I am involved with someone - litmus test for assh*les I wouldn't want to be friends with.. the ones that are insistent.. well. ]

However, having taken himself out of the comfort and familiarity of his usual circle where he felt accepted, where he felt liked, (and sad to say, one of the "cool" kids - terrible how issues in our formative years stay around like a bad rash - where's the ointment? ), where he got a lot of attention from our mutual female friends and then putting himself in an alien environment where he is a virtual "unknown" probably reminded him of the lonely days of his youth when he was constantly ridiculed and was definitely not pursued by the opposite sex. It only became too easy for his insecurities to override any logic and allowed for nothing aside from fulfilling that need to be wanted, to be one of the guys that girls hit on. Unfortunate.

This, I came to as a conclusion after removing my emotions. What a clinical approach. I think I am looking for excuses. I've been in his shoes. Like I said, I was a very late bloomer and not the most popular person in high school, so I understand exactly what he felt. Or maybe not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Agh!

Is he weak? Yes.
Can I deal with that? I'm not sure.
Counseling required? Most definitely - I think he needs to go to ensure his future happiness with anyone.

"It only became too easy for his insecurities to override any logic and allowed for nothing aside from fulfilling that need to be wanted"

Do you think you can feel safe with a man like this?

I'm also concerned that this happened before you were even married. Usually people go for years of marriage before they "slip".

Mu5e,

Just for the record, there are plenty of attractive folks out there who do not let it go to their heads and still remain faithful to their spouses or significant others.

You say that maybe you are just looking for excuses. Well, if you remain in a relationship with this man, you will need plenty of them at the ready.

Listen to the folks here, this man endangered your life. If you choose to remain in an intimate relationship with him, and it is Your choice, you might want to consider having only protected SF with him. Otherwise, the next time he gets drunk and slips up it could ultimately cost you your health or even your life.

Who

As for his comment, "I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?" I would like to clarify that he wasn't angry, just frustrated that the situation was out of his control, that he didn't know what to do after committing such a heinous act. I, on the other hand, was infuriated by this comment because we wouldn't be in this state had he not decided to be so selfish and self-serving, that I thought he would be doing everything in his power to try to make this up to me and himself. He's hurt so many people by doing what he did. Me, himself, all our close friends that believed that he was such a great guy.

To give you some perspective into the impression we left on others, it was not unusual at all that female friends came to both of us if they were having problems in their relationships. We were the "golden" couple who could connect on so many different levels and still function as separate units in our social scene if so desired. Maybe it was not good that I didn't display my jealousy more often, perhaps that didn't reinforce the boundaries that we set in place. But, my thoughts always were, I am not his keeper and love is not about possession rather it should be a celebration of who your partner is and a celebration of who you are together.

Another problem I have with his choices is that let's say he made a horrible mistake and realized it. He STILL could have let you know when he returned, and not exposed you. Instead he continued to have sex, KNOWING that he could give you something. I think he cared more about keeping his secret than protecting you. I really wonder if he would ever have fessed up if you hadn't come down with an STD.

Factors under consideration:

1) Behavior is out of character, he has never done this to anyone in the past and he is completely broken up that he went against his moral beliefs, destroyed my faith in him and any chance he had for happiness. More so out of character since he crucified certain female members of my family who do cheat habitually.


Additional Reasons Why He Cheated:
1) Mid life crisis - he no longer identifies himself as young. He's in his late 30's now, overweight, and graying.
So with that in mind and given the opportunity to screw some chick who wasn't necessarily unattractive and who was willing and drunk enough to have sex with him, he took it. He does not think that he is the type of guy that women approach, so this was an opportunity that he had to take??????

2)

3)

I am trying so hard to look for reasons to stay with him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The chips are stacking up against him more and more..