Long story,

TWO YEARS ago my H had sex with a woman during a seminar he attended abroad.
I found out but he denied till I "kind of believed him".

ONE YEAR ago he had sex with another woman - he says "only twice" nov 2004. But he kept in contact with her till March. He would meet her almost daily for professional reasons and she would Message and mail him every night at anytime.

A FEW WEEKS ago he had sex with a woman he had just met at a marriage he attended, she left for her country and he kept daily chat contact with her... staying late at the office just to talk to her.

I finally got the hard prove so that he wouldn't just denied and he had to admitted this last case.
He also admitted the 2 years ago one, He says he got drunk and it happened. After much talk he finally told me he had slept with that girl from last year- only twice, he says. (hard for me to believe him when I know she was on paridise holidays with a new boyfriend, sending my H sms telling how much she was missing him, this in march, H says he slept with her when he met her in november)

He says that's all, no one else. He says only now realizes how important it is to be honest and that's why he admitted the only one I didn't had much of a proof.

He says he love's me and never wanted to hurt me.
He says he's sorry for putting our "great" marriage and "special sexual relationship" (<<his words-he always said he was very happy and very satisfied, more then he ever expected) at risk and he's afraid we will never get it back.
He says he never realized the consequences.

He says he kept in contact with all of them after it happened because he felt so bad living it a the one night stand, so he says if he developed some kind of other relationship it would make him feel better and forget what happened.
He says he never told me and denied even when I had enough "proof" because he was sure I would leave him immediately.

He says he doesnt know why it happened.

We agreed on trying to rebuilding our marriage.

But,
I want to understand why it happened.
I want to know what kind of relationships he had been living with this women.
He says he didn't had affairs, just one nigh stands kind of things.

Am I asking for too much?
I just want to understand and know why so I can move on. Or at least try to move on and rebuild our relationship.

Right now I just can't see it happening. I feel stucked.
I cant feel him being totally honest. And I really cant find the strenght I need to move on... if I will ever be able to move on.
With all the problems, financial, professional, and with our kids, all we had was each other)... I just feel like there's nothing left now.


How can I move on if I don't know what happened and why?

Please help... We are living in Asia, no counseling, I have no chance of getting any kind of support or anyone to talk to.

Hi Lost,

I am sorry that you have found yourself here, but there are a lot of really great people here. I know how you are hurting and feeling like you cant trust a single word out of his mouth.
Has he ended contact with all these women? Has he blocked them from his email and chat? Has he given you password access to his email? These are things that he needs to do that will help you. Have you read any of Dr. Harleys books? His Needs, Her Needs? and Surviving an Affair? Both really excellant books.
Please do a lot of reading here and hopefully get some insight into things.
Just take this one day at a time.

Blessings to you Willow

Katie

I have always had his password for his e-mail.
I also used that e-mail before he turn it into his working e-mail as well.
First time he changed password.
Second time also and I figurit out. And got some mails but he was more carefull on deliting them.
Last, recent time, he mainly contacted her via chat.

He bloked her after I asked him to and sended her an e-mail asking her not to contact him ever since.

I have been reading all in the net for the past weeks.

I just believe that once again he wants me to move on without the thruth, the whole thuth.

We have a very stressed life, because he is a very stressed person.
All our life is around him and his needs. I am the type of person who gives everything and who has to be there for everyone. We suffered a hard betrayal from family... starting after 1 case and that ended just a few moths ago.

I just want him to tell me why. I need to know how? and why so I can try to move on.

Is it that much? I dont want details, I just want to know where to go from.

No...you are asking too little.

We talked again last night.
He claims he is being total honest now. He says he really only had those 2 night with that girl but that she kept trying for more but he never let things happen.

He says he's trying really hard to know why he did all that.

He says he's very sorry and that he never though about the consequences. He never imagined his actions could cause so much damage.

Is this possible?????

How can it be... how can someone do something that wrong and don't think about the consequences???
(Do they only think they will never get caught?)

He says he now realizes he has been selfish and irresponsible.

I just asked him... that well... "before you did it you had time to think about what you were about to do, you must had that alert voice poping (this is wrong)... what have you told to yourself that made you move on?
He says he doesn't know.

How am I supposed to move on and try to regain trust on the long run if I don't know why it happened?

Is it possible by any chance that he really never though about it?
We were living under a lot of stress.

I think it is more likely that he never thought about being caught.

You are going to have to get more answers and assurances that if you stay married, this won't happen again.

All this is killing me... I cant think I cant work i cant take good care of my girls... i feel so empty.

He says it wont happen again because
1. It's not worth it.
2. He now realizes the damage it caused to our great relationship and sexual life and to our lifes.


But... how to trust him when he had been so good lying before?

And again... How can he swear it wont happen again if he says he doesnt know why it happened?

I have my own theory about why it happened... but I feel I can't share it with him because he might eventually "take it" and I'll never know for sure... well I believe he has to be the one to tell me what' is/ was going on his mind so we can together analize and improve our relationship.

He says, besides our professional/family/financial problems all was good in our relationship. Is it possible?

Or he's just a "bad character" person and wants to keep his marriage and have this "one night stands" ocasionaly? (There's so many men like this here in Asia)

confused...

Do you have all the facts yet? How many relationships were they & how did you find out? These are important clues to your recovery & decisions to work on the Marriage.

Are you involved in church or have a relationship with God? I ask you this because there are 2 main reasons why I am still here working to recover my marriage:

1) My FWH was saved & since being saved has stopped doing anything inappropriate.
2) He came to me & told me the truth. I never would have found out, but he was compelled by his new found faith in God to be honest with me.

Without that, I would not be able to re-build trust because there would be no basis for his change as he would still not have anyone (God) watching his every move so what would stop him from doing it again?

I did analyze the whole situation & told him my thoughts. My FWH didn't know why it happened either. But, when I looked at it & gave him my thoughts & theory, he realized that he still was looking at it through the fog. He still saw OW as a victim & himself as just looking for a way out of his marriage. He didn't realize until I put the pieces together for him that OW was a predator, not a victim & he was justifying his actions for cheating with likely no intention of leaving me. It really opened his eyes. I don't think telling him your thoughts is going to hurt anything & might open the conversation up & allow him to give you more info as he begins to analyze it with you.

We also discovered through analyzing it that my H is very vulnerable to women with troubles because he wants to be there for them (save them) so the more troubled they are, the harder he falls. We learned he cannot have women friends & he cannot allow women to confide personal information about their lives with him. This may be an opportunity to find the boundaries he needs so it won't happen again.

"Bad Character" - Yes! Can a person change their character? YES! But, you cannot change it for them, it must be their choice. Will he change? That is up to him. If he agrees to the policies from MB site, it's a start.

Thank you for your wise words Want2BStrong


We are christians but that's not the way to get to him.

First time I found tru e-mail, I normally log into his e-mail (web-based) as we always shared everything. He denied till I beleved him... ever since living in doubt since to me the e-mail I read was very clear that something had happened. He kept in touch with this woman due to "professional" reasons (Once again he was used I think). I have always had access to his e-mail and she would seldom write to him unless she needed any info, and she always stated at some time "writing to you on professional way". She's from another country. He now confessed he slept with her, he says he was drunk. He says she wanted to continue the relationship and that she was just lonely.

Second time, the girl (22, local, new in the business), I got some anonymous messages. I became suspicious of his behave. I found some mails, and messages on his mobile. I talked to him he denied there was something going on and started to delete all. I manage to find some anyway. Besides her talk about guys she slept or would sleep with she was always telling him how much she missed him.
This relationship lasted for 8 months at least. My husband claims he only had sex with her twice, in the begining, first during a business trip she arranged for them to attend and second shortly after on a 5 star Hotel here and payed by her.
The local girl he said he had pity on her seeing her so lost and alone. And since we were living in such a big stress (his job problems and working 2pm till 3 am almost everyday) he felt like she was a friend counting on him. (She was using him as she used many men to get info and make her career without really working) - She recently left town.
He stopped talking to her when I finally had a BIG conversation with him about it... but I believe by this time he was already realizing what she was. He swears he never had any interest on her and that's why he refused her after second, even tho she continued insisting).

This last time (three weeks ago) I found because I have been told, by a friend, he was in the middle of the nigh on a 5 star Hotel in the nearest town with a women when he said he had to work and left me home with young daughter very sick at home.
After this I found he was in touch with her via chat and mail every day.

He says he kept talking to them because he felt he needed some kind of relationship/ friendship with them so he wouldn't feel bad for having a one nigh stand and that being all. He always became upset and defensive whenever i'd refer to them as a slut or a ******.

He says there was no one else.

He says he is still the same very honest and sincere man I loved... he just... (then he cant finish the sentence)

Your last paragraph makes some sense to me... My H is a very sensitive man and has low-self-esteem, and yes, he's very vulnerable to woman that show in some way loneliness or sadness, specially of good looking, but not necessary. He even gets impressed whenever he sees a woman alone on a restaurant or something similar, He sees women as a special being. He is also easy vulnerable and very kind to woman in general. This is something we actually had talked about several times as there were a lot of professional women "interested" on him in several occasions, of course he would always talk to me about them or the situations. He's not a very GOOD looking guy, average... but just way to kind towards woman.

I feel like I am sure he wont contact this three women again.
What I am not so sure about is that, this kind of situations wont happen again:

1. Because I don't know why it happened.
3. Because at time it seams like he feels "he had done nothing that wrong" till he realized the effect of it.
2. Because I am questioning his character, specially because he says he had no reason for it.
4. If he did it because he really tough he wouldn't get caught... that leaves him at being but a disonorable man.

Following this path... I cant see much of hope for us. I wont live the next years in doubt has I have lived the last two. I just cant take anymore of it. I lost myself in there and I still haven't found it.


On his behalf, he seams trying to be honest and feeling very guilty, specially seeing me so sad.