just wanted to stop by to give a small update. I did
some sole searching to think about what I wanted to do since she wasn't showing any signs of trying to make things better. She is comfortable with how things are because in her mind its the best its been in a long time so why rock the boat & try to fix the M. Last night we talked a little & since she opened the door I decided it would be a good time to let her know that I would not allow things to stay as they are, I didn't give her any demands or ultimatums I just let her know things would not be allowed to continue if they did not start to improve. She was pretty shocked & tried to get me fired up & used a lot of babble & played the blame game & tried to justify what has happened she still doesnt take any responsibility for what happened, I kept my cool & told her the ball was in her court. I reminded her that I was committed to repairing the M but it was unacceptable for things to continue as they are. I let her know that it was her choice how things proceed from here. Im not really sure if it was the right time for it or if I completely handled it correctly, but I felt I need to let her know where I stood.

I know its a little late now but what are your thoughts on what happened & any suggestions how to proceed from here.

Cliff

Hi Cliff,

It sounds as though you did great! IMO, there's nothing like taking a stand in a cool, calm manner to get someone's attention.

Now I think it's time to be more specific. My guess -- and it's only a guess based on how you've described her in other posts -- is that she will now try to ignore what you've said, hoping you won't actually back-up your words with actions.

You need a specific plan. You've told her "the ball is in your court"... but I don't think she has any idea what to do with that "ball". Unless you tell her SPECIFICALLY what you want her to do... she won't do anything.

I'm no expert. This is just an idea off the top of my head: Make a short list of whatever you think would be most helpful -- marraige counseling, filling out the EN questionaire, reading some articles from this web site and then discussing them with you, going away with you for a weekend, whatever. Ask her to pick ONE thing on the list to do just to get something started.

I also think she needs IC. She sounds like a champion "conflict avoider". That's why it's so good that you're keeping your cool. Keep it up.

--SC

I agree SC I wasnt sure if I should make suggestions like counselimg etc or let what i said sit in for a few days than ask if she had any thoughts on what I said.


How are things going for you?

Cliff

Cliff,

Why don't you combine the two plans. Give her the opportunity to step up to the plate, so to speak, by asking if she has any thoughts on what you said. But be ready with that list just in case she can't/won't initiate anything herself.

How sure are you about NC?

Also, has Mortarman responded to any of your posts. I don't know his whole story, but as I understand it, his wife was VERY reluctant to put any effort into the M. I think his marriage came about as close to the brink as possible... but they pulled it back and are doing really well now. Also, I've seen mention that he "made some mistakes" early-on in his recovery efforts. So he's really well versed on what to do, as well as what NOT to do. He's in high demand around here lately, but it might be worth your time to give him a shout out.

Good luck,
--SC

hi,

i would go with the straight forward approach and just give her the list right away. unless you are absolutely against giving her suggestions (which i would have to ask you why you would be then). i know you want her to step up to the plate, but remember, she can get to the plate with baby steps too. any steps are good steps!!

my 2cents: do her a favor, give her concrete ideas.

good luck

Sc I have held off on suggestions in the past because she got really defensive when I brought them up & it was suggested that I wait on other threads but after our discussion the other night I will try to bring them up again. When I do ask her what she is willing to do she has nothing to offer because she thinks just being nice and being here should be enough, thats why I let her know that it wasn't enough.

As far as NC Im as sure as I can be without hiring a PI, when the A was exposed she got pretty mad because The OM decided to stay & try to fix things with his wife, that didn't sit very well with my WW she felt used & betrayed.


Finallylearnig, she has resisted suggestions in the past but its getting to the point where she needs to decide which way she wants the M to go, so I will make the suggestions again & hope for the baby steps.

thanks, Cliff