I am absolutely losing it. I'm filled with rage, I'm shaking, I'm crying...I can't handle this. I'm the betrayer, yet I'm the one feeling betrayed. My stomach is in knots, my head is spinning, I can't even think straight. I don't understand...is this how I'm going to find out that he doesn't love me? I think I'm ready to fall over the edge!!! C'mon you guys, this isn't normal, how can he NOT have a reaction? I cheated on him...I frickin cheated on HIM!!! How can he not care...can people in this world actually be that HEARTLESS? I've only been with him for 3.5 years...but I didn't think he was that uncaring...this has to phase him somehow....why doesn't it? This is just too much...too fast...too many weird wicked thoughts...I knew I'd regret telling him. Yesterday before I told him, at least I could cope with life, now I can't. This is eating me up totally...do I sound irrational yet? Well I am...I want him to hurt for a change, DAMMIT, I do...probably not a good thing to admit, but I am sick and tired of always being the one in pain, the one who hurts, the one who gets the short end of the stick. Why did he marry me if he doesn't love me? Why would he pretend? What is going on in his stupid MIND? Ya, I've asked...I've probed, I've prodded, I get NOTHING....NOTHING!!! I CAN'T STAND THIS....FRUSTRATION BITES!!

Benna,<P>You had a good idea in your other thread... give yourself some time to think about what you want to do. I think now it's time to take charge of your own life. So give yourself some time to calm down and not feel so angry and upset. Then start thinking about what you really want from your life and your marriage. Write everything down if you have to. Maybe you can share it with your husband afterwards, although it sounds to me like it wouldn't make any difference to him. <P>The point is, this is about YOU now, Benna. You can't control what he does, it's time to do something about what you can control, namely yourself.<P>--andy

Listen to AH, Benna. He's right, you know. You can get through this. You're gonna be ok. Just concentrate on you now. Give yourself some time.<P>Lori

Whoa tiger..... Slow down.... We have all been there in one form or another. I know what you are going through and yes it is hard. But remember that it has been 1 day since you told him..... He and you need Time..... Lots of it. I didn't believe it either when others here told me but I am a firm believer now. Relax and be patient...Very patient<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Got a flashback! Man, everything you described was just what I felt the day I found out about my H's affair. I know, totally different situation, but feelings of desperation are the same. You feel like you are going crazy inside and you just want to hurt something or someone. Do not give into it. The only one you will end up hurting is yourself. Take a deep breath and realize that it is only the first day. He may be numb or it may be as bad as you think. My point is, either way, you've got to take care of you.

Getting good advice, here Benna... Hold on<P>Tomorrow you may be clearer about what is going on, which is good because tomorrow it may sink in a little deeper for him. Just hang on<P>I still think you need to be prepared with what you will do with this situation - Have you read anything on this site yet? Please, today just think of you, and take a nice bubble bath - turn on the radio real loud in the bathroom and talk to yourself. Talk talk talk until you are exhausted.<P>This is really rough. I am soooo sorry.<P>Is he out in the field again tonight? <P>Thinking about you, okay?<P><BR>(((((((HUGS)))))))

brenna,<P>My husband also did not have a reaction when I told him of my affair. I was so depressed, I was on the verge of suicide and I actually got on my knees and begged him to forgive me for what I was going to tell him. After I told him, he turned on the tv and said nothing. I begged him to talk to me, tell me what he was feeling, and he went to the garage and started lifting weights. He did not ever talk about it. maybe your H is a conflict-avoider, like mine, and doesn't know how to deal with it. I'm sure it isn't that he doesn't care. He is confused and his whole world is not as he thought it was, and maybe he just doesn't know what to say.

Have you tried talking to him in a calm manner? If he won't tell you how he feels, maybe you could tell him how you feel. Really explain to him that this lack of caring on his part really bothers you and you can't live like this. You deserve to feel loved by your husband. It's almost like he knows that he isn't fulfilling you emotionally...maybe that's why he's so calm and understanding about you having an affair.<P>Does he have some sort of baggage from the past that causes him to act this way?

Brenna-(Gosh, my name is Brenda and they call me that too!) It sounds as though your both in pain, and maybe that's his way of defense, he sees things as though you've hurt him and he can't let you know how much so he tells you it doesn't matter, that he didn't love you anyhow. Maybe I am wrong but it sounds like me when I found out. I told him initially that it didn't matter but I was in SO MUCH PAIN. You don't know the truth right now, you only have initial reaction and it may be that both of you need time to sort things out. Wish you could receive all the hugs I want to send, I am praying strongly for you! Please, remember to breath......<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Benna - <P>Don't regret telling him. He would have found our sooner or later and it would have been MUCH worse finding our later, believe me. I am the betrayed in my situation. What your H is experiencing is SHOCK. Sometimes when a person experiences something so extreme, so unbeleivable and so devastating a typical reaction is NO reaction. This is not to say that your H is not feeling anything inside.<P>His internal wiring has just been overloaded. His world has become surreal, almost dreamlike except that this is a nightmare. You should expect the same reactions that one has to a loss through death of someone close. It's called grief - and it has many stages. Shock, anger, and EXTREME sadness are just some of the manifestations of grief. They don't necessarily follow a regular pattern either. Expect his emeotions to jump around A LOT.<P>You might want to consider anti-depressants for both you and your H. They take about 3 weeks to kick in...but they probably saved my life (honestly).<P>You mentioned that you want him to hurt. I don't understand that statement. Believe me Benna your H IS hurting...quite a bit actually. You have an advantage over my situation though, my W left me to live with OM. I lived through a betrayal AND an abandonment. Now I get to live through a divorce where W has a right to take 1/2 of my assets (I was the one who saved...W preferred to spend. I get penalized in divorce.)<P>Take the advice of the people on this board. There is a lot of experience gained through a lot of tears here...there probably isn't anything that you are experiencing or will experience that at least 1 person here has not. Hang in there.

I don't want to be the one that puts a damper on this one. But when I told a boyfriend at the time that I had cheated, he gave the same non-caring reaction. I found out later that he didn't make a big deal about it, no anger, no questions, etc. because he was cheating too!

T2G - That is exactly what I am concerned about in Brenna's case. I pray NOT.

Holly:trustntruth:trying2_4give:<P>Too close to home, I reacted the same way when I was told. And I now now why. It was not because I did not care or love my wife, I believe now that it was because of how deeply I loved my wife. While this was heartbreaking, things that have happened in my past made it nearly impossible to love someone and if I do I love them completely and do not ever wish to lose them.<P>Benna: He may be afraid, I was. Again not for the sexual act but for the fact that part of my W heart had been taken by someone else once I realized this was not the case I came around, now the second time is a different story...

I'm with trying2_4give and trustntruth here. There's a lot of weird history involved with Benna's husband involving kinky sex. According to her, he was actually turned on after she told him. Her husband seems to have some other issues to deal with... <P>Benna, how are things right now? Are you OK?<P>--andy

Benna<P> Being married over 30 years, I can't fully explain what I went through emotionally when my W told me a few months ago of a 2 year long affair ----20 years ago!!!! Rocked the foundation of my entire life. We love each other and will, in time, make our marriage better than ever. It already is.<BR> I can understand that the betrayed will have different reactions with different people upon discovery. Had I found out at the time, I may have thrown her out, I honestly don't know what I would have done. Maturity and true love has tempered my reactions. <P> You must understand that the betrayed will go through many emotional mood swings---this is our first time in this situation - we don't know what to do. <BR> We had a few drinks the night that she told me - I was numb. We made love that night not just sex - we made love!!!!!<BR>How does anyone explain that?????????<BR> My point is - don't assume anything at this early stage of his discovery. The emotions and mood swings he will go through will be like living through his worst nightmare.<BR> I believe Steve is right about complete honesty being the right policy in a marriage, at this stage in life, I wish I didn't know. But, without the revelation, which I refer to as 'THE BOMBSHELL' we may not have had the opportunity to make our marriage better than ever. You must understand that once you told him, that is water over the dam and there is no turning back.<BR> I was clueless, was your H? If so, it could be the biggist surprise of his life. <BR> When your H does react, be understanding of his emotions - he will have many ups and downs during recovery. Hopefully he will react better than I would have at that stage of my marriage.<BR> Sorry for that last sentence - I'm not having a good emotional day and you are looking for support.<BR> As I told W, it is not a 'tit for tat' but if you had a 2 year affair, you have to be understanding that it may take me a year or two to fully accept and make our marriage the best it can be. Be patient.<P><BR>Feel free to email. lovinghubby@hotmail.com<P>God Bless,<P>Loving Hubby <BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by loving hubby (edited September 30, 1999).]