So I approached my wife with all the evidence, I directly confronted the issue of her having an affair. I directly explained my concerns and reasoning for everything and tried to explain the recent events from my point of view. She got so mad, she cried, she told me how hurt she was that I didn't trust her, she was angry that I keep bringing these incidents back up, she said she didn't understand how I could say I love her if I don't trust her. She said I am being jealous and just can't accept that she has more friends than I ( working in a management position hasn't done wonders for my social life), she said I was being stubborn and unwilling to accept that she can pursue a male friendship without having an affair. Through it all she never even tried to offer any explanations though, it ended with her leaving, saying she was going to move in with a girlfriend for a few days, I told her that I didn't feel that would help us work on our marriage. She left, came back about midnight and woke me up wanting sex, and repeatedly stating I am the only man she ever wants to be with. The next day I found her cell phone bill for last month, $500.00!!! up from $60 per month typically. I checked the call records, over 15 hours in the last month with this guy, and over 400 text messages, since she found that I check them on her phone occasionally she has been deleting them as she reads them and sends them.

I still don't feel like I have resolution, she was so sincere in the confrontation, I felt horrible, like I was driving the one person I love out of my life because I am being unreasonable and jealous, yet there are to many signs and she still refuses to offer explanation. She said she will leave if I push the issue again, that she is tired of being accused. Am I jealous? I just want to move on from this but I can't bury it. what to do?

You are NOT being unreasonable!! You wife is involved with another man and she is giving him things that she should only be giving to you. Just because she has not been in a PA does not mean that the EA is not disrespectful, and hurtful. Frankly even if you were being "unreasonable" it is her duty to refrain from behavior that causes you so much pain.

Do you have a computer at home - does she spend a lot of time on it? If she does it is time to install EBlaster, or some other monitering software. It alerted me to my wifes EA, and I finally stepped in when they were planning to meet.

I don't know what else to tell you except that maybe you should post on general questions II as there are more people there that can help you.

Mugsy

AJ, you are not being unreasonable. The time your wife spends nourishing the friendship with that other man is stolen from your marriage.

My H used to have cell phone bills of $300.00 a month, roughly. I figured out that he was on the phone with her a minimum of 2 hrs average a day. They worked together for over 2 years as well, so he used to stay late after the staff left and they talked - for hours.

He would give her a ride to her parking lot at night. They would keep talking - for an hour or more sometimes.

They never did get physical to my knowledge. It was still an affair.

I got tired of it. Last week I had a meeting with my attorney. Our divorce is in process. Now it's all about the finances.

It's an affair.

I didn't expose. I did Plan A, tried meeting his Emotional Needs. We counseled for over a year. He talked to her on the cell phone on the way to the counseling sessions, and got on the phone with her again once we left.

Harley recommends No Contact. That didn't happen with us.

If you love her, if you want your marriage to work, write an exposure letter and post it here for comments/suggestions. It is the antiseptic that will kill the infection before it becomes a gangrene in your marriage.

If you don't force an end to the affair, you will lose your self-respect and your love for your wife.

Bellevue

thank you for the response. I have tried Plan A, still trying. I have also started a daily journal expressing all the facts, fears and resentments from them, it really helps me let go of some of the pain I am feeling.

Last night I caught her lying again, she said she was going to Borders for a few hours but kept checking the time to often before she left. I went and checked, she was not there, I waited and she never did show up. I even checked all the cars in the parking lot, thankfully it was pretty empty. When I asked her about her evening later she told me she had bought a few books but left them in the car. I asked if she had been anywhere else, she expressed frustration in my lack of trust and said yes she had gone to for a drive at 9:00( I was there from 7:10 to 8:00). I told her I knew she was not in the store. She admitted and said she had sat in the parking lot for quite some time thinking. I told her I knew she was not in the parking lot either. She then told me she had been on a drive the entire time, 3.5 hours. I want to believe her but know she was lying. I feel completely lost and don't even know if I want to try anymore, it would hurt much less to just end it, but I believe in the commitment of marriage.

AJ, you haven't mentioned whether you have kids, so I'm assuming you don't. Please be careful not to conceive a child while your marriage is this state.

Her lies stink to high heaven. If you have kids, fight for your marriage. If you are still childless, Dont have any kids. Infidelity & divorce damage them, and they are helpless.

I don't want to intrude but would like to know more about the EBlaster?

sorry for the delayed response, very busy last week. We do have children, five year old step daughter and 2 year old daughter.

Since my last post things have been great. I did lose my temper about a week ago and smashed her cell phone, it was wrong but so gratifying. The next day was when I caught her lying about going to borders, I asked her to leave. She has been totally focused on our marriage since, we had a wonderful weekend last week, went out to dinner went to a movie and spent a lot of quality time together. Valentine's is our anniversary as well, we went out together and had an excellent evening. She insists she was only friends with OM and I start to fell like I believe her, but no one I've talked to even considers this an option, I worry I'm pulling the wool over my own eyes, but I love her and want to believe her. I feel so happy right now, it feels like I have my wife back, but I worry how long this will last. We went over the EN questionnaire, she didn't fill it out but made a list, I felt very attacked by her, basically stating I have never met any of her needs. I tried to go over the needs she hasn't met for me, but she didn't want to take time to go over them. I feel happy with as stated earlier but I keep getting twinges of resentment, because she basically stated that not meeting my EN's is part of hwo she is and she shouldn't have to change who she is to make me happy. In a way I agrre, but I think of how many changes I have made for her, giving up pursuing my Mechanical Engineering Degree to stay with her, completely changing my daily habits to make more time when our daughter was born, adapting my daily routine to allow me time to do the majority of the housework each day so she can just enjoy time with our daughters during the day, cooking dinner every night, the list goes on. I have made huge changes regarding conversation and affection, conversation has always been a big need for me but I struggled with trusting anyone enough to open up, I tried to explain that the lack of conversation in recent months was due to her constant angry outbursts, this attempt was met with more angry outbursts. I know she harbors alot of anger from her childhood but I always thought my patient nature and understanding would help her overcome her anger but its not, she is geeting worse. We had talked about her anger previously, she had made promises to try and learn to use patience, but she has become more volatile in the last year, when I have approached the subject she has become very angry and asserts she has made dramatic improvements with her anger. I try to support her but wonder if she can actually believe this. Anyways thank you for the support.

Eblaster? Not familiar with the term. Is that reference to emotional affair?