(I originally posted this in the Divorce Thread)

I have been looking at these forums for awhile, but this is my first time posting. My situation was a difficult one, but it happened. My wife and I have been married for 8-years, we met each other in college and dated for 5 years before we got married. As soon as we got married she moved to Tennessee with me and we stayed in an apartment and eventually we built our first home from the ground up, while we were in our first home we had our first child, and we had plenty of support from my side of the family. (My mother was the youngest of 14, so I have a “tribe” of aunts, uncles and cousins. My father was the middle of 4, so I have a very big and supportive family).

Then life started happening, I was laid off from my first job because of a merger, I received a 6-month severance package, and luckily found another job two weeks later. 3- years later life happened again, I was laid off from my second job due to another merger and received a severance package. This time however it took me about 6 months to find a job. During this 6-months, I took over the home care of my son so that my wife did not have to do everything (she had a professional job too). I soon found a job in another state and had to move there to start making money for my family (funds were running low, and I could not find any positions – paying what I NEEDED to make to keep us going – in Tennessee.

I moved to Ohio, and had to work there for 7 months, while my wife and son were in Tennessee. To make it easier on her, I asked for her to stay with my father and his wife, so that she could have a support group, also so we could set up the house for sale. She did this and it made it easier for her because my son’s day care was less than two miles away, and where she worked was less than 5 miles away. They cooked for her and my son almost every day, and I flew back/drove back to Tennessee at least 3 times per month to visit them.

Finally, we sold our home and I moved everyone to Ohio. Since she was having trouble on her job in Tennessee (jealous employees out to get her), she was happy with the move. We did not like the weather or the city, but met some of our best friends in Ohio, in fact we went on a 7-day cruise with them and said that we had the best times of our lives in 2003.

Then life happened again. I ran into a bad manager that forced me out of the company (long story short). And I search again for 5 months for another job, while taking care of the household duties and my son, while my wife worked. She hated the city and wanted to get out and move somewhere else. So she wanted for me to look for a position in a warmer climate. So I received a job offer in Indiana, and took it.

Then life happened again. 2 years later, the small company that I was working for started having financial trouble and yes --- they had to lay people off, in which I was one of. So I received a generous severance package and starting looking for a position in Indiana, because we had just built our second home, and my wife liked it there. I could not find anything paying what I needed to make so we could survive, so I had to take a job in Ohio (2-hours away). I found the cheapest apartment I could find, and I literally slept on the floor, with no TV, no cable, no internet access, no furniture, nothing. Because this was going to be temporary until I could find a job back in Indiana.
I have been driving back to Indiana, every weekend, and sometimes during the week. So I could spend time with my wife and son.

Back in November, I found out that my wife had been having an EA with a coworker from overseas (Italy), and that she was going to meet him when the Italian folks came to Indiana for work purposes. Although the EA did not last but a few emails, it broke my heart, and I was crushed, I told her that she at least owes me an explanation, and she nonchalantly stated that she didn’t owe me anything! I tried to sign us up for marriage counseling but she did not agree to go. (She has been reading romance novels back-to-back since the beginning of the year, she spends every waking moment reading them, I believe that this is what lead to the Italian EA.)

Then it happened, on December 8, I received divorce papers at work, they were sitting in my chair when I came back from a meeting. I didn’t know anything about them, or that they were coming. My life has been crushed.

I am a very warm hearted and giving person, and I have done everything in my power for my wife. I started reading marriage builders and these forums back in June ‘05, to understand what I was doing that my wife would start to emotionally withdraw from me. I’m a big guy 6’4” 270, but I am in shape and only have a few pounds to lose (I’m heavily muscled – but trying to lose it). I’m not abusive (verbally or physically), I don’t drink or do drugs. I have tried everything in my power to eliminate LB’s and meet her needs.

The only problem is that she is a very bad communicator (she has stated this herself) and she is not happy with herself, and she has never really had her own identity. She was adopted, and never new her biological mother or father. She is a gorgeous and shapely woman, but she has never had confidence in herself and tends to try to escape life through movies, books, and fantasy. Add that to the fact that her friends (work friends) are all single, one is an atheist, the other Jehovah’s witness, and the third is 36, drives a 94 corvette and lives with her parents.

I have been blaming myself because of the moves we had to make (2 moves) and because of my job situations, but that could not be helped, and I tried to make the best decision that I could, by taking the Ohio job and making my living situation temporary, while searching for a position back in Indiana. I don’t know what else I could have done. I’ve done the best that I can to care for my family……..but I feel like I have failed, and now I’m paying the price for my failure. I truly feel like God has forgotten about me, and loves me no more.

I’ve tried everything, how can she just walk away from me, when I have tried my hardest to make a good life and be there for her and my son?

Hi Limestone - I'm sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. MANY of us have had similar stories. It is unclear from your post if you ARE divorced or have only been served with divorce papers.

It's also unclear if you consider yourself, and your wife, to be Christians. It appears so, from your comment about God, but sans a definitive statement of belief I am only assuming that you might be.

Regardless, the answer to your question in the quotation is simple...SIN. That's how. Selfishness...that's how. The blinding, foglike, crazy rationalizations and denials of a choice to sin in adultery. Believing the lies of Hollywood, Romance Novels, etc. that sin is "breathtaking, normal, and painless."

So, having said all that, what can we do to help you?

What do you want to do, divorce or try to salvage your marriage?

God bless.

Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it. Yes I do consider myself a Christian (and her too). I was served divorce papers at work on December 8 (yes at work). They were sitting in my chair after I came back from a meeting.

The main problem is that I really don't think that she is (or will ever be) in the mindset to truely understand what she has done. She has always been (at the core) a selfish person that thinks of herself first and others second. Although she is beautiful, she has no confidence in herself and is very pessimistic. She was adopted at a year old, and never knew who her biological mother or father were. Add that to the fact that she doesn't know what race she is (as if that matters). She looks like she could be a mixture of differnt things, and I believe that she has struggled with that during her life (no matter how many people say how pretty she is). She was raised by very good parents, who supported her in what ever she did.

One of my main faults in the relationship is that I believe that I did too much for her without asking alot in return. I come from a HUGE family. My mother was the youngest of 14, my father the middle of 4, all of which are very caring loving and giving. So that's how I was raised, to do whats best for my family, not be selfish, and give everything you got. I based my role as a husband on Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".

But I believe that I have been outright taken for granted, and I'm not sure if saving the marriage is what needs to happen (I feel like I would be doing all of the work anyway). She cheated on me and I signed us up for MC, and she didn't even attempt to go.

Have you talked with her since getting the papers?

What is she saying as to WHY she wants a divorce?

Do you have a church that you attend?

If so, does the church believe in the Scripture as the Word of God?

If so, then the path to begin with is Matthew 18:15-20. That is Jesus' instruction on how to handle "church discipline" for sinning members of the body of Christ.

Let me make this perfectly clear, not hurt you, but to dispell any chance that excuses could be made for her behavor.....NO unrepentant adulterers will be in heaven.

The battle for your marriage is one thing, but the battle for her eternal soul, whether you remain married or not, IS, or SHOULD BE, your first preeminant concern. HER relationship with God comes before marriage. So start there, if you want any chance at recovering your marriage.

If she gets to the point where she would "consider" trying to remain married and learn to love you again, etc., let me know and I will email you a pamphlet that will help begin the process of forgiveness and restoration of your marriage.


P.S. INITIALLY (weeks and/or months) you WILL seem to be doing all the work yourself. It IS unfair, but we are talking about taking responsibility for doing what is needed, based in LOVE, not in "fairness." As has been put on this system many times before, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

God bless.

i'm sorry things turned out this way for you man, sounds like she doesn't understand how to handle human relations very well, or some other problems, i would try to take her to a psychiatrist

Her reason for getting a divorce is that I "don't love her anymore", and that "I left her by working in Ohio". (Yet I'm sleeping on a floor in an empty apartment to make ends meet for her and my son, and the job in Ohio was the closest to them one making the kind of money I needed to make so we could keep afloat). She also stated that "I think more about my career than her", (also stated after I found out about the EA). But I have had 4 opportunities, while I have been interviewing over the past 7 months, to take on pretty high paying positions in other states (I have a MBA). I turned them all down so I could be close to my family, and so I would not have to move them again. Our money was getting low, so I had to take the job in ohio 2 hours away.

She can be easily influenced, and I think her "manless" and "moraless" friends want to add her to their club.

She takes care of our son (but begrudgingly). She has stated for a few years that she wanted to get our son a bedroom suite, and make his room into something special, but it has never come to fruition. He doesn't even have a dresser to put his clothes in, she just uses an old printer table to fold his clothes on (pathetic). She makes "dinners" for him, but they consist of lots of fast food, however, when I come home I make sure that I cook real meals for him.

I am more hopefull that she will just give me full custody (we have joint custody now), and go away into whatever world she is living in. I have turned my fight over to doing whats best for my son, because I'm not missing anything that this marriage provided for me (which was taking care of TWO children my STBXW, and my son).

I know God can do anything, but my faith in this marriage has been depleted. I have done everything I can do for my situation, now all I can do is stand.


(This Scripture keeps me strong and motivated to move on)

- EPHESIANS 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and AFTER YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING, TO STAND. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Limestone, let's begin here.

You followed the above quotation with this "telling" statement: She can be easily influenced, and I think her "manless" and "moraless" friends want to add her to their club.

If your wife is weak enough to be influenced by these sorts of outside influences, then don't you think "staying" instead of "moving" is the weaker "copout" position?

It is quite possible that God knows what is best, and made those doors (offers of employment) available to you because God says "GO" when He commands it, just as He told Abram to "go." We trust GOD, not our own reason, at times of uncertainty or crisis, so long as the choices we have to make are NOT in opposition to God's clear will.

YOU are the head of your household. Talking about your wife never converting your son's room to what she wanted is USUALLY a symptom of "limited financial resources," not a willful choice where the funds ARE available. By your own admission, all of the offers you turned down would have provided substantial income.

Limestone, FINANCIAL security is a HUGE need for most women. It is one of my own wife's TOP needs (and worry's since I am self-employed). If you DO NOT meet these top "needs" you are, by default, ASKING for trouble in a marriage, especially if the wife is NOT, herself, strongly grounded in her walk with Christ.

You ARE, despite your noble intentions, "abandoning" your wife and child to work in another state but you are ignoring the reality of marriage that such an arrangement is INVITING problems because there ARE other, equally big and important Emotional Needs other than Financial.

I understand "necessity" at times, but when you see your marriage beginning to get into trouble, or you know your wife can't deal with the rigors of substantial separation that working out of state visits upon the marriage, then THAT job goes, just like you turned down the other offers.

Being tied to the LOCATION of where you live is a recipe for disaster. God commands that we "leave and cleave." That doesn't mean just "leave our parents and cleave to our spouse," it also means "leave" whatever and wherever is NOT conducive to a good marriage between you and your wife.

Staying as you are, would seem to be Satan "twising" a truth in your mind in order to cause further trouble. Having "roots" IS a good thing, but NOT if the fruit that results is a destroyed marriage. What sort of "good" comes from that.....stubbornness perhaps, but not a commitment to ALL of the marriage vows.

I hope that hasn't been too "harsh sounding." The intent is clear....you can no longer afford the 'status quo.' God is offering you places to go that can help your marriage. Think about and evaluate those offers and be the leader in your home, even when some of the choices seem hard.

God bless.

I thank you for your comments.

In reality we make enough money to save over $2,000 per month with a mortgage AND an apartment (we make ALOT of money together). But in reality, she spends so much money per month being "depressed" with herself, that our balance ends up negative every month (unbelieveable). It's one thing to plan, but in a marriage both people HAVE to work together to make things happen. So yes, we could have more than enough money to make the house into a home for my son, but in reality her selfishness and self-centernedness moots that from ever happening. Instead of spending the $600 on a dresser for my son, she spent it on makeup, shoes, expensive body soap/lotions, and eating out 3 times a day (while not sticking to the budget that I made for the family).

She has financial security, she has never been without the means to buy what she needs or wants, that is not the issue. The issue is with her view of her own self worth, I cannot give her confidence in herself, she has to obtain that on her own, and selfishness is the other issue, she thinks of herself before anyone else (including my son).

The truth is she is taking for granted a husband that would to anything for her, and i can honestly say that I have done everything, and in my family and OUR friends minds, I was taken for granted because I did TOO MUCH, without asking anything in return (and that is absolutely my fault).


It should not matter that I am working 2 HOURS away, I drive home every weekend on Friday night and leave on Monday morning (4:00am) to go back to work. (and while I'm at home I do every imaginable chore inside and outside the home). She was a consultant for 3-years and was gone Monday -Friday (and that was when we first got married), but I didn't cheat on her!! That is because I made the decision to be faithful. As with temporarity living in Ohio (to make us whole financially), I made the decision to be faithful......she made the decision not to be.

She was not willing to move again, and WE made a committment to each other that I would still look for a position in Indiana (I have been interviewing for months to get back), and I have to work to make sure that her and my son are taken care of financially, so that is what I did.

In my mind, there is no justification for her to do what she did. She was never and has never been abandoned, I was and have been there at the drop of a hat, at anytime of the day or night if she needed anything.

I believe that sometimes a person can be taken for granted for what they do, and that is what has happened to me.

Life comes at you hard and at different directions Even the scriptures state, that "in this life you WILL have troubles". It did not say that you "MIGHT", or you "PROBABLY WILL", it stated that you "WILL" have trouble, and one needs the fortitude to have self control, when these troubles arise.


1 Corinthians (NIV) 7: 3-5

3-The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4-The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5-Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

(Can't argue with the WORD...)

I agree, in general it shouldn't matter. But YOUR marriage is not "general," it is specific. Also YOU are NOT your wife. Your "mental state" is NOT your wife's "mental state" and you have to stop projecting yourself and what you would do onto her. You have to face reality, and part of that reality is your wife AS SHE IS, not as you would wish her to be.



IF she IS in such a depression (post partum, mid-life, bipolar, etc.)that she is trying to treat the symptoms with spending, you should know that will NOT help the mental problem anymore than a fat person, who is depressed because she is not thin, treats the problem either by binge eating or by anorexia/bulemia. The underlying problem is not treated.

Your wife needs serious professional counseling and/or treatment for her condition. She is, through spending and adultery, trying to treat the symptoms, not the cause.

NOTHING will change until she enters treatment for her "primary condition." So, while we can offer you support and understanding for what you are going through, YOU need to take direct intervention and GET her the treatment she needs, because she will NEVER go get it on her own when she can just "treat the symptoms."

God bless.