Will the pain of H’s indiscretion ever completely dissipate? Will I ever be able to get past this? It’s been six months since the discovery and sometimes the pain is unbearable.

The fact that it would still be happening if I hadn’t stumbled upon the card that revealed their relationship, along with the knowledge that there has never been a time in our 11 year relationship that I wasn’t sharing him with his ex-W has left me so emotionally damaged that some days I feel like I can’t function. How can I get past 11 years of lies? He promises he won’t speak with her, but he promised the same thing 11 years ago. Could that be the reason it’s so difficult to get past this? Sometimes I feel that I should return the favor by doing the same to him and maybe then he will finally be able to understand the pain his choices and actions have caused. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t really want to. I just want the pain to go away.

I read Dr. Harley’s article(s) on resentment & forgiveness and quite frankly the “just compensation” mentioned is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. If we weren’t meeting each other’s emotional needs it could be considered a wash & we’re even. However, because HE cheated (and I didn’t) he’s the one “in debt.” How can meeting my emotional needs be considered “compensation” when he should have been doing that all along and vise versa?

Is there ANYONE out there who has been able to get past the pain of indiscretion? Would you please explain how? Sometimes I’m relatively ok, but then something inevitably happens to bring the memory & associated feelings to the forefront. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

anngellica,



I understand how you feel.

I know you know doing that wouldn't make you feel better. It also probably wouldn't help him understand any more at all.



It's been a little over a year for me and I, sadly, still hurt every single day over it.

However, working at Recovery, there have been a few times when we felt connected and close and we met each other's EN's. During those times, I felt so grateful for what I had right then that all of a sudden it didn't matter so much HOW we got there. It only mattered that we were there. It kind of made the pain of the journey fade into the background.

I am hoping that those times becomes less few and far between.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

I am there now too. It is 6 going on 7 months past d day. My wh left in July and moved in with married ow in the fall. Sometimes the anger and resentment consumes me. I pray, a lot. and I saw my kid's counselor today. she recommends I go back to the IC I was seeing a few years ago when we separated before. She also recommended a book and workbook I just ordered off of amazon called REBUILDING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS. It is basically a Plan A type book where we take care of us and get us to a good spot again. We must take care of us and move forward in our lives no matter what happens in our marriages. I cannot stand being so angry and resentful anymore. I want to move away from that and stop having it consume me. I am very much so looking forward to starting this book and workbook.

hugs to you, I know what you are feeling. mlhb

in the quiet times......think this.....

when you find yourself walking thru the fires of ******...keep walking.

you need to cry

I'm tired of crying. I want to feel happiness rather than saddness. Will the pain ever REALLY go away or will I wrestle with it forever?

While I understand Dr. Harley's concepts, and I can understand why going through the motions of his program might improve a marriage in a variety of ways, it says nothing for the emotional damage & resulting baggage that infidelity causes. Life will never be the same as a result of H's choices & actions; I will never be the same, and I will certainly never be able to regain complete trust in him again. I don't know how anyone can experience this and find the ability to trust again. And without trust, what's left on which to build? Nothing.

I love him and hate him at the same time and I'm tired of the emotional vacillation. How does one get past this? How does one truly heal?

mlhb, did you do the Marriage Builders course(s) with H? Some days I want to do it, some days I don't & would rather end the relationship because it's impossible to see past the pain, anger and resentment. I WANT to get past it but sometimes doubt I'll be able to. The Marriage Builders home study courses are our last hope.

Froz gave you a key, mhwag:

"there have been a few times when we felt connected and close and we met each other's EN's. During those times, I felt so grateful for what I had right then that all of a sudden it didn't matter so much HOW we got there. It only mattered that we were there."

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? You didn't stray. You know that. But in the present, no one is straying.

"nothing for the emotional damage & resulting baggage that infidelity causes. Life will never be the same as a result of H's choices & actions; I will never be the same, and I will certainly never be able to regain complete trust in him again."

You're in the past with your own emotional damage and baggage. Your choice. Choosing not to trust again is in your future. Your choice Mhwag...use Froz's key. Be in the present.

Words like never, always, everything, everytime, forever...they are the word choice of our inner children. They aren't adult because they aren't real. The pain you carry, just six months old, is like a newborn...the betrayal, anguish and feeling yourself erased will over time, grow up and go away. I promise. Only if you let it.

I hear you saying you didn't deserve what was done to you--which means not only was it done to you, but you had no control. You have no control in the future, either, or the present, to stop stuff being done to you. It's a difficult, pain-filled place; all that vulnerability. Until you realize, the truth of human lives is just that. We can't control anything but ourselves, and choose how we handle what is done to us.

That's it. Sorry for the jump in. I hear your pain and I see it in a few folks here years later. You really nailed how you see it, though. Debt. Forgiveness clears debt. Can't wipe away the past, but it can repay it. Even Steven!

LA

angellica,no wh and I did not do the courses. By the time I found this board this summer wh was on his way to moving out. He is currently staying at ow's. we have a legal separation. I am starting IC next week and starting the rebuilding book I mentioned as soon as I get it in the mail. I pray. I have no idea what my future holds. I am NOT planning one with my wh at this time. But I do not know what God's plans are..... mlhb

ok

Shadpoo......................what on earth does your last post even mean?

-Caren

anngellica,



I hear you & feel the same way. It's been over 3 months from D-day #1 & a week since D-day #2 for me. I felt like I slipped almost all the way back when I found out more info. My FWH didn't remember some of the things he did before we were married - blocked it out so it was painful to here "there's more....." I stuggle everyday. I too want to do the same to him - to give him the pain I'm carrying. I've said I just might, but even he knows it's just empty threats when I'm really upset. I end up just feeling more depressed because I feel trapped with a man who I would have never married had I known what type of person he really was. I struggle with the MB concepts of accepting this & forgivenss. We've met with our pastor and another couple who has went through this. Mostly, I hear "pray" "read the bible" "serve my H" "forgive him", etc. I'm left thinking "where is the justice in that?" What consequences does my H get when he got to cheat & gets to keep his wife?"



This concept is hard for me. I want to be right - I am right. My H doesn't deserve me - not just the cheating but all the other parts of our marriage that I've carried for all this time. I ask him "what does he offer me in this marriage?" It's hard to be in the present when you realize your whole life was a lie. I don't have trust in my own self because I was so stupid running around thinking I had a good marriage while the wool was pulled over my eyes. My FWH doesn't "act" any different - EVERYONE thought he was the nicest guy. My best friend told me one time that she could see how he was so taken with me - she said she could see how much he loved me. YET, THE WHOLE TIME, he was lying & cheating on me. It's hard for me to know if he's for real or manipulating me.

I told my FWH that I would never be able to look at him with naive, carefree eyes again. He took that away. I told him too that he has NO idea what he lost because I loved him more then anyone else has ever loved him & it's so sad that it's gone. My love is alot less now.

What I've been doing to get through it all is stuggle one day at a time. I'm going to give it the time it needs & see where we are at in 2 years from D-day. I want to make rational decisions, not emotional ones so I know I need time to be able to do that. It doesn't mean I won't have a mental breakdown or two or three, etc. along the way, but I'm going to give it the proper time to see if I can heal.

I think that is the only thing you can do. I know it's a feeling of being trapped in something you have no control over & you didn't create. I feel it too. But, even if you leave or kick him out, you won't feel better then either. You just have to struggle through the pain, the anger, the resentment because you don't want to carry it for a lifetime. I know I don't.

Haha i'm sorry if that isn't clear!

this is what i see:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

So, you have these daily patches that can ease the pain, or you can do some extra work and eliminate it for good.(obviously there's no way to completely eliminate it, i'm just illustrating the point)

I have said many times that I will never "get past" anything. When I think of the actions that my xw did and her absolute betrayal of "us" and herself forgiveness is not even an option. So I guess I "compartmentalize" those acts and "get through them"...

Understand that after 6 months it is EARLY...very early and how you feel is normal. Read my story. This is just my experience...it can get better even with all your pain.

Good luck to all of you...

Anngellica,

How are you doing?

Want2BStrong:

"This concept is hard for me. I want to be right - I am right. My H doesn't deserve me - not just the cheating but all the other parts of our marriage that I've carried for all this time. I ask him "what does he offer me in this marriage?"

Gosh, I hear, "You are scum and I am not." "You're the bad guy to my good woman." "You bring nothing to this marriage."

Ouch. Your H doesn't deserve you? Does that smack of anything close to what your H had to feel, that much entitlement, to have an affair? His might have looked different--he might have said, "Nothing I do will be good enough for her. I want acceptance. That's a big part of love. I'm gonna find me some."

This debt for an affair...is it so hard to imagine that maybe we weren't the spouses we think we are? That we did everything for our H's and they just didn't get it?

Can you not see the terrible burden and pain crushed into others with that kind of thinking? No one causes another person to have an affair--their choice. Their escape from their own pain. But if you want the marriage to recover, don't you have to feel the others' pain instead of disrespect them? Whether you can comprehend it or not, accepting the other person was in pain seems important to me.

Isn't that what hurts most about them replacing you? It is rejection...the opposite of acceptance. It is decimating to humans. Why do it back? To get even?

And are they remorseful? Will you shove them down when they say, "I hurt" or will you acknowledge that they feel what they feel?

What is love to you?

LA

LovingAnyway,

You know, I am just putting my feelings out there. You don't have to like them or agree with them, but that IS how I feel.

My FWH admitted to me that he would have cheated no matter who he was with & what the situation was. He admits it was lack of commitment & lack of character.

Maybe you should understand the circumstances better. I have been the breadwinner, bill payor, responsible party, planner, caretaker, etc. It has been frustrating at times, but I ALWAYS had comfort that at least my H was faithful & we connected well when we talked. What I found out through this is his was not faithful and we weren't connecting (he was agreeing verbally only with me). Devastating? YES! That is why I said "what does he bring to this marriage?" I feel that I have been taking care of everything, while being faithful & loyal & trying to make a good life for us while he has done NONE of that.

Back at the beginning of our marriage, I did have LB's, but by the time the PA started, I was NO longer doing them. I worked on myself over the years to be a better wife. FWH didn't notice & didn't communicate any problems with me. It's hard to know what to do when H doesn't communicate.

I admit, I don't feel sorry for him because he is the destroyer & I'm the destroyed. Whether or not there were issues, he chose to take actions that destroyed our M while I would try to discuss problems & fix them. He didn't try to fix anything, but just run away. I cannot feel sorry for bad choices when those choices were clearly selfish & inconsiderate of me.

Despite this, I intend to work towards forgiveness & recover this M. My H knows I'm working on it. I work hard to meet his EN's but I expect him to work hard as well (which is something he hasn't done in the M).

All I was saying to anngellica is that there are many of us that feel the same way. Again, I told her I intend to stay & recover & see where we are 2 years after D-day. And my point was that until there is more time, none truly know where they will want to be.

Great posts W2B. Finally someone showing some real feelings, not the usual "meet his/her needs, and put it all in Gods hands" response so prevalant on here.

Thanks, Hanzo. I feel sometimes everyone gets caught up in the "how we ought to handle it and how we ought to feel" that we ignore people's true frustration & devastation.

I lived out some of these in my dreams. I dreamed I went running down the street screaming "Get away from me" when finding out what my H had done to me.

Then, another one he left me & acted indifferent, I couldn't get ahold of him & I had to go looking for him knowing he was partying or something and possibly with another woman.

Another dream the other night I was being held at gunpoint by a women in our vehicle while my H was driving calmly. I had to fight the women & everytime I would get us almost free of her, my H wouldn't react or help me & she'd get me at gunpoint again. She was going to kill me. Finally, I got the gun away from her, screamed at her to get out of our car, then hit her over & over until she got out & even then, had to yell at my H to drive away. He did nothing to help me & save me.

So the frustration, feeling of being trapped, anger, sadness, resentment are all real emotions that I cannot ignore even when someone tells me I should be doing all these things for my FWH. Maybe I do have a sense of entitlement - that HE OWES ME, but even if it's wrong, I cannot just dismiss my feelings.

LOVE is still being here when I don't "feel" like it!

LOVE is trying to recover this M while going through the hardest pain of my life.

LOVE is meeting my FWH's EN's

LOVE is working towards forgiveness even when I don't want to - when I don't "feel" he deserves it.

LOVE is trying to rely on God when I don't "feel" like it.

LOVE is making the decision to NOT let my emotions rule my actions.

Anngellica -

You are still very early in the process here. You are likely facing triggers everyday.

I had a very rough time getting through each day at about the 6 month point. Here are some things that I did each morning to help me make it through the day:

Find something to distract you...I work from home...i found cleaning the house to be a great distraction. I'd stand up from my desk every 20 minutes and go clean something. I also started running. I felt better about myself and helped relieve stress and frustration.

Decide each morning that you will NOT allow this experience to control you. It's hard not to think about it every second of everyday...but you cannot let it control you.

Pray. Pray for specific things like...the ability to forgive, the strength to overcome this, for your H to forgive himself....you get the idea. It helped me to itemize these things in my prayers.

Focus on your reasonings for saving the marriage and remember by chosing to remain married you have to chose to forgive...you won't forget...but you have to forgive.

I read a book on forgiveness that really helped me. It's called Total Forgiveness. The insight in the book was amazing...if you can try to read this book. You will see that Forgiveness will give you all the power and take the power away from the situation.

You can be happy. I promise you it won't always hurt this bad. I love my H more now that I ever thought possible. I do have my bad days...but those days are few and far between.

My H is more loving and caring than he ever was prior to the A. Our marriage is better....stronger...more enriching because we cherish each other and the time we have together.

There's light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you that.