Based on the advice I've received from my original post, I know that after what I just found out that I must expose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just now learned that WW broke the NC agreement by having phone sex and chat sex with OM(s). Unfortunately I had to force myself to read all that horrible filthy chit. I also got detailed information about her plan with the separation and divorce.

Old-timers were right when they said she was planning on having a PA...I busted that up but she still relapsed with the phone sex and online sex chat.

I am so sad that it comes to this. My beautiful wife who is now so consumed by this powerful thing. She is willing to throw it ALL away: her family, her career, her dignity...all for the thrill of having sex with these people she has met online.

So now I must expose.

This is the fourth attempt at eliminating this beast from our lives. She doesn’t know that I know the latest details as of yet.

Here is my dilemma. We are scheduled to fly into SanFran tomorrow to go through the MB Weekend together. Should I wait until after the MB Weekend before exposure? I think that I should wait.

She already knows that I told my mom a couple weeks ago, and she seemed not to care. She believes that she is perfectly justified in having these online affairs because of me not meeting her needs for all these years and her decision to get a divorce. She may not even care if I tell her dad. Should I tell our 21 and 23 year old boys? I cant think of anyone who I could tell that she would even care about EXCEPT the Chairperson of the Board of Directors of our company...and even then she may not care now. If I expose to our corporate leadership of the company we built, they may think its a personal matter and not really care.

And then people may think that an EA and Online fantasy sex chat is no big deal anyway. So is exposure really worth it in this type of scenario when there is no PA?

It could get real ugly after I expose. She is 14 years sober and is close to drinking. If she drinks...it’s going to be ugly.

She is seeing her therapist right now (the one who encouraged her to sow her oats with as many online sexcapades as she could handle)...I'll see her within a couple of hours.

My plan now is to just be pleasant, say nothing, and get our asses to San Fran (even more sad as this is where we Honeymooned) to see what we are willing and capable of doing with MB up close and personal.

mcm

Really that's HER job. She needs the embarrassment of informing them if they are indeed going to be informed. I think it's all part of the reality check.

The rest of these questions are REALLY tough. I would say that I think it's great that you have the MB weekend.

Just a thought - I don't know what the weekends are like. For those who do - would that be a good time to expose? Would the resources likely be there to help them through that?

Here is my dilemma. We are scheduled to fly into SanFran tomorrow to go through the MB Weekend together. Should I wait until after the MB Weekend before exposure? I think that I should wait.


I think I would wait ... as long as you can stay pleasant during the MB weekend.

Go on your weekend....and bust her there when you have her captive and hopefully attentive to the matter at hand. Just like alcohol she's going to have to go cold turkey....maybe even staying away completely from computers for some time. To restore trust she will forever need a password protected keylogger on her computer that SHE KNOWS ABOUT and ACCEPTS as her safety net so you can be her accountability partner.

As far as exposure. Don't discuss it with her. It's not her decision anyway. If she asks or tries to manipulate you not to expose you just say you will do whatever it takes to HELP HER with her problem and save the family because you love her and your family.

The boys...just wait a bit...but it is a powerful exposure target.

Try not to allow your embarrasment prevent you from doing what you have to do. Save your family...however it must be done. Like I said before...support will likely come from the oddest places and people will respect you for so openly addressing this usually secret situation.

From what I hear these MB weekends are going to be a lot of review of the basic MB principles for you...but for WS it's all new. Hopefully, you can get her on the same page with you...she's recovered from Alcohol and if she can come to grips that this is THE SAME THING she may be able to focus on addressing the issue without having to hit ROCK BOTTOM to do it.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

When I say "bust her there" - I mean with kindness and letting her know the truth is all out there. Also, don't try to pry the truth out of her...she won't give it so doing so is only brutal to you and her. It might seem "fun" and vindictive to do for a bit but it's really only tormenting her...she can't tell you the truth.

With the truth out...maybe she can realize quickly that you are still there DESPITE all she's done. Doesn't usually happen that way....it usually takes a long time but MAYBE.

Further, who is that therapist...you should post his name so everyone here knows WHO...NOT TO SEND THEIR SPOUSE TOO. Crazy counselor....but then again...waywards hear what they want to hear....I can't see a counselor encouraging such destructive behavior...he/she should have his/her license revoked.

Mr. Wondering

DUDE!!!

""She is seeing her therapist right now (the one who encouraged her to sow her oats with as many online sexcapades as she could handle).""

What the h$ll kind of therapist is your W going to??? Is it a he or a she?? Is she a sex therapist?? This therapist sounds like a total wing-nut.

I can not believe any certified therapist would give that kind of advise. Something is terribly wrong with this.

Have you ever talked to the therapist?

Exposing? What are you exposing? That she is having phone sex and cyber sex? If you could expose to the phone and cyber partners spouses, that would be helpful, but you indicate she could give a sh!+ if any one knows or not.

This seems to all go back to the therapist. How long has she been brainwashed by this therapist?

Good luck in San Fran!

k

ditto Pep

Let this simmer thru the MB weekend. Do not bust her there. See what transpires.

How did you get her to go?

Beware the common WS ploy to "participate" in counseling just so they can say they tried. This is no need to not try on your part, just keep your expectations low.

Hence my recommendation to NOT bust her there. If she's participating from a position of sincerity, she may open up and crumble. If she's unmoved, it could be the ploy. When you get home, sleep on it, give her a chnace to come clean. If she doesn't, launch the nuke soon after.

I say when the time comes for the launch, include your sons. Make sure to do it in a constructive and loving way - your ultimate goal is preservation of the family and improvement of the marriage.

This is scarry as he!!. Be resolute, firm, and calm. You hold the cards and you will become the scourge of the earth. Just be ready for this "promotion." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MCM:

I would wait for the MB seminar. She may bail if you expose beforehand; which would be serious trouble for your marriage.

If memory serves me correctly - I think the two of you will have a private-session with a MB-counselor at some point. (Hope someone will verify or deny this.) You should be able to call & find out though. I would present copies of the evidence to her and to counselor only at this meeting - and say nothing. Wait until either the counselor or W speaks. (The silence will be deafening!) At that point - you will know what direction this is headed.

As to exposing to sons - I would give her the option of telling them (only with you present) or tell her that you will expose to them. [I speak from experience - don't back down from this!] WW is in fog over her head and needs to be jolted.

As to exposing to anyone else - ask counselor.

DO NOT underestimate the power of an EA! It's been proven over & over on here to lead to PA's if not caught early.

This weekend now becomes the most important 3-days of your marriage. Be sure to have documents, copies and notes handy if you need them. Preparation is vital! You're about to negotiate on the most important deal of your life.

Good Luck!

FR

mcm,

""If she's participating from a position of sincerity, she may open up and crumble. If she's unmoved, it could be the ploy. When you get home, sleep on it, give her a chnace to come clean.""

WAT has the answer! Do this.

How can she be participating from a position of sincerity if she's continuing the inappropriate behavior? Having cyber sex doesn't show me any degree of sincerity at all. Seems to me, she's just going along with the MB weekend to placate MCM. Where am I going wrong here?

I have to respectfully disagree with this. She's the cheater, she needs to explain to the kids. It's her job to own it. This was a major tool in reality check process for Flukette. For him to have to do it means that she doesn't have to suffer through the pain of it. It would have a greatly diminished effect IMHO.

That aside, I like the idea of exposing during the session with the MB counsellor. A few sessions under her belt for basic info and then the bomb when a PRO is present. Fantastic!

She agreed to go last week during a tender exchange. I used Steve Harley's advise re: "Think of this as a research project to gain information on how you got to where you are now..."...she adds: "it will help me in my future R's"...


You are a wise man...this is precisely what I believe she is doing...but what can I do about it?


I can frankly see the value in both suggestions. Doing it there. Waiting till we get back home. It seems to come down to 1) her motives going in, 2) whether those motives change into a genuine desire while we are there.

Either way...it's time to buckle up.

Thanks for the feedback all. I really appreciate it.

mcm

LH -


Ahhhh, Grasshopper. You are thinking from a Earthly frame of reference. Logic is illogic on the Mothership. You must reorient and think like your adversary.

Flukie -


Of COURSE it's her job. It was her job to be a faithful spouse, too. Do you honestly think she's thinking like a normal person? - with "responsibility"???

Go back to "Start", do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Re-read Rule #1.

Sheese! Do I have to teach you guys EVERYTHING?????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
WAT
------------
WWPRD? Do the opposite!

Maybe not. I didn't give flukette the choice in our situation. But that was us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WAT, I have the utmost respect for you but I was speaking from the same frame of reference MCM has. It is he, after all, who is going to have to corral the alien and bring her in. I'm not sure looking at the weekend from the WS point of view is at all productive. Just my ignorant POV, of course.

As mcm already recognizes, her participation may be the ploy. More likely than not.

She also likely believes that an EA is not an affair - just like most of the rest of the population.

He cannot coral, corale, corral - whatever - the alien.

The alien is contaminated, compromised, consumed. The abduction has to run its course.

He has to assess the sitch and expose when he thinks the time is right.

It's unfortuante, in a way, that it's an on-line EA. Exposure may be a dud. "What's the crime? No sex, no foul!"

EAs are worse.

Hopefully, this fact will be illuminated during the weekend.

WAT
---------------
WWPRD?

mcm,

I would really like the low-down on this "therapist" that is telling her to do what she is doing.

Or was this on a previous thread that I missed?

Thanks mucho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If you were to ask her today if she has been chatting on-line and the phone, who she lie to you and deny it? Or does she feel that it's really OK and fess up?

If she would to admit she did it again without producing proof, maybe it would be best to address it prior to the weekend. If she would deny it again, until proof is presented let it go till after the weekend, and see comes away with any change of heart.

Continue to expect nothing to change until she proves otherwise.

As for exposing to the kids. That's a tough one. Getting that kind of image of their mother would be tough.

Good luck this weekend!

mcm:

How did the seminar go for you?

FR

Someone said in a prior post that this could be the single most important three days of our lives together. That is exactly what I feel I just came out of.

There was some very real stuff that happened this weekend for us that led to a definate shift into a recovery mode. In the process of all those good feelings, honest exchanges and the excitement from the new direction we both felt from the MB Weekened, she found this site and my posts. And now a whole new set of feelings and problems present themselves.

I wanted this forum to be a postiive thing and a way to get to know and understand how the tried and true principles and methods many of you have used could help us rebuild our M. Right now it seems to be a source of pain and great shame for my W.

I don't know what to do now...

mcm