mcm,
I would definitely not encourage your wife to post on here identifying herself as your wife. Believe me, I know from experience how that plays out. There are some people on here who will crucify her if she decides to vent out her side and fill in some blanks from your story.

Personally, the more my husband talks to me about this board and tries to push me onto it, the more I have refused to do so. When I finally decided to devote an evening to reading and researching, I happened upon his posts about our lives complete with personal emails I had sent to him, and personal information about my family. He also shared info that his brother had said about me, which I am really struggling with right now. I wish I had never seen it. I am hurting and so upset with my husband right now that the last thing I can think about is recovery in our relationship. He had been saying some things to me, but was posting the exact opposite. Give your wife time to digest what she read and process the pain.

There are also "rules" for posting on here that I was not aware of and apparently had broken. I was not so gently told of these errors. Felt like the person visiting a church and being told "you are in my pew", "You parked in my parking spot...." Who would want to visit there again? Just a little perspective from her side.

mcm - that's a positive. Pain & shame for a WS are always worth the cost.

mcm,

"" Right now it seems to be a source of pain and great shame for my W.
I don't know what to do now...""

In your posts did you say things that were untrue?

She is reading your true raw feelings on the matter...with no sugar. Unfortunately THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL!!...and she has caused you to feel this way.

So she feels pain and great shame..BUT IS SHE REMORSEFUL?

Is she sorry for her actions? Does she see herself through your eyes??

RLD read her H's posts but it sounds like he was telling her one thing (what she wanted to hear?) and posting the opposite. I can see RLD's point, but is this the case for your sitch?

The WS have no idea the EXTENT of the pain and anguish we BSs go through and are STILL going through! When they read the real deal the realization of their actions hits them like a ton of bricks.

As far as knowing what to do...do PLAN A big time. Love her and let her pain subside.

You may get the "I'm no damn good! Go find someone better. You deserve someone much better than I. etc, etc. But hang in there and let the discussions roll.

Things will get better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

MCM,

Start a new thread. A recovery thread...I hope. The facts and circumstance of this thread will simply fade away. You could delete this thread and start over as a new couple dealing with recovery. Your wife posted here before she realized you had...so she must see the value in reaching out to others who have been down this road, annoymously. In a few days, she would have developed her own support and shared the facts and circumstances (albeit from her own perspective) that occured in your lives. It's all good.

As I said on her thread, I am sorry if any of my above advice offended her but I firmly stand by it. I would have given her the same advice if the situations had been reversed.

MCM, sometimes when things seem to have turned out for the worst, in hindsight it ends up being for the best. What if you had edited previously, Fishracer had not bumped it, and/or you had not posted at all....the what-if's are irrelevant. What's done is done. Maybe it's for the best that your wife has been able to see your honest feelings in writing, she has got to see and experience what she likely "feels" is the judgment of others. Sure it uncomfortable...but anger a marriage can survive...a continuing and ever-deeping affair it can not. Congrats to both of you for at least putting an end to that.

Mr. Wondering

What a positive sign!

BRAVO!!

There are enough former WSs here that she will find comfort if not with the rest of us right off the bat.

I suggest you let her find her own way and offer only that this is reality and the sugar coating may be very thin if it exists at all. Humility is embraced and defiance is challenged. Anything less would be artificial and another fantasy.

All the best to both of you,
WAT

We would like to thank you all: MrW., Suzet, Fish, WAT, FF, Pepper, Krusht, Caren, Orchid and the many others who took the time to help us navigate some of the roughest waters we've ever been in.

We have 24 follow-up assignments from the MB Weekend to complete together. We are going to focus on completing those assignments and building our recovery capacity together.

Know that we are grateful for you all and for the MB program. Without it, we would surely be turning the page to a much different chapter.

Today the chapter we turn to begins with a promise by tlm and mcm that says: our marriage is now based on a relationship of extraordinary care. We will achieve this by 1) creating a lifestyle that is fulfilling to both of us; 2) avoiding being each others source of unhappiness; and 3) becoming each others source of happiness.

We believe that this is possible, thanks in part Dr. Harley and all of you.

Our best,

tlm and mcm

Terrific!

Never having had the opportunity now before you, I cannot offer any advice from experience for rebuilding your marriage.

What I can offer is a general sharing of the appreciation and recognition of the important things in life that usually goes unlearned until faced with a crisis.

Best wishes,
WAT

EDIT: Maybe change the name to this thread to, "WE MUST REBUILD!!"

MCM (and TLM): Awesome & congratulations. Together - you can make this happen! I might suggest that you add a #4 to your list above. That of total and complete honesty w/each other. Good luck to both of you.

FR

MCM and/or TLM: How about an update? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

Heya FR -

Thanks for the prompt. Good news.

Remarkebly what started here with the good advice received by you and a few of the other fine folks here, coupled with the focus and power of the MB Weekend and then our committment to the follow-on assignments...has resulted in the beginning of an amazing turnaround. It's been A LOT of work but...We are doing very well.

20 hours of UA a week focused on the top four EN's have produced strong feelings of love to return between us. It's almost unbelievable. We have been meaning to post in the Recovery Forum...but we are having so much fun making each other happy we havent got around to it.

Hugs to all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MCM and TLM