I found out my WH was having an A and demanded that it end. I have already forgiven the A in my heart because I suspected it for so long and knew that I would want to salvage our marriage. We did have lots of problems and although it's no excuse for his A-we both were ignorant about each other's emotional needs. He says he has ended it but hasn't decided to come home or if he can love me or wants to work on our marriage. He says he sees no way to grow love for me again.

I found the letter from Trueheart and it really seemed to me like it would help him understand that I can forgive him and there is hope for our marriage. I know I should be insisiting upon him being here but honestly how do you drag a man home? I've read enough not to believe much that he says but to look more to what he does. So far he has read part of HSHN and participated in one session with DH. He has agreed that he needs to give her up to make a decision.

He thinks he wants a divorce and that I can never forgive him. He says he feels no love for me other than like that for a sister. What to do next-what to say next-when to send him the letter? I asked if he would read it and he said yes so I was thinking of sending it and the link to MB.

I won't let him go without a fight and I will have to insist on NC and living together but is right now the time to push when he's grieving for giving her up? He was just plain ready to divorce and be with her so I do feel that I've made some progress on my own.

Are you certain that the affair has ended?

What is the link?? I'd like to read it.

Thanks.

God Bless,

-Caren

I gave it to my FWH within days of dday as soon as I found it. It did make and impression on him. Your WH is speaking fog speak right now.

I am sure you've read enough by now to know about the fog.

I also had my FWH start reading here right away, we also read all the books and counseled with SH and did IC.

He too wasn't sure in the beginning regarding whether he could fall back in love with me (later learned he never fell out of love) or if I could forgive him. He was however, committed to doing everything he could to try and recover.

Good luck!

I can not be positive it has ended at this point. He did state he realized that the OW must be out of his heart. He intends to continue contact by email which he has waffled on letting me read. I have no way to insure other than by what he says. So basically I have to "trust". I know that's an issue but he's been honest with me so far in first refusing to disconnect at all but now saying he has because he realizes from the HNHN book that he must.

For me that is another issue to deal with later because right now this is major progress. I know it must be done and I won't let it go but right now, today, it was not the time to push. He's really sad and I hear it in his voice. So I think it's true. We've been together nearly 30 years so I know his voice. That's why I suspected for so long. I just didn't want to see it. It was easier to look away and pretend.
Here's the link to the letter:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=017604

If your WH is still in contact with OW and active in the A I truly believe the trueheart letter will NO effect on him. Same as MC is a waste of time and money if the A is still ongoing. I would save it for a time when he might be more receptive to the letter...probably once A has ended for sure.

The WS has limited peripheral vision when they are in the fog. They only see and hear what they want to.

The trueheart letter touched me when I read it but I'm sure if I gave it to my WW she would get angry after reading it (if she even finished it).

I agree with believer, you need to find out for sure if the A is dead or not.

Yup giving them the letter while the A is on going is futile.

I gave it to mine a month or so after all this started and he said I read the letter and its not me.... I am not doing anything wrong or to hurt you....

So when they are foggy it does not help at all. They don't see themselves in it at all....



Hurting

As long as he has contact with the OW, he will not get his feelings back for you.

E-mail with the OW. You have got to be kidding.

Do you know if I had even suggested such a thing (I'm the FWW) my H would have told me to take a hike.

My H wrote me a letter when our MC told him that it would help him. He also wrote a letter to the OM (not to send) which she said would also help and it did. Venom does not even come close to what the letter contains.

When he read my letter (the one to me) at our MC session, our wonderful MC cried because it was beautiful and I sat there trying, trying to feel something. Now I look at the letter and it makes me cry as well. It's a heartfelt outpouring of love and I value it dearly.

At the beginning it all falls on deaf ears. It's so sad that it's like that.

Well I talked with him tonight and there is no doubt he is not with her. He was nearly in tears and actually pretty mad with me for making him give her up. So as far as I can tell, she agreed with him that he needed to try and fix his marriage, but he still needs to be her friend in his mind. I'm not sure she wants that. I think one of his fears is that he will lose her while he's trying to make up his mind.

I only know that I can read his voice and he's shaken and doesn't know what he wants. This is the first time I heard that in his voice. I only heard resolute determination that he wanted a divorce for days, then a softening to he would think about it, to now he as given her up to try and decide if we should try to rebuild our marriage.

I did send him a long love letter because I had let my loving ways slide and even though he made the decision to have the A at one point in time, I can see where I made my mistakes too. The letter seemed to actually touch him and the HNHN book is what convinced him that he couldn't continue to have a PA or EA with her (remember he says friend-LOL) while trying to make a decision.

I just now have to help him through the pain as much as I can. I've got to bust my butt on a good plan A and try to repair the neglect of the house for the last few days. He loves a tidy house. I only hope that he chooses to stay here instead of continuing to stay at a hotel. Even in separate bedrooms, it would be home and I think he needs to feel the love here and be with his family.

I told him that I had read about the pain of withdrawal from the A and that I would respect his pain. He said he would talk to the kids tomorrow. He didn't want to talk to me tonight but I had to hear the tone to be sure it was over. So tomorrow I guess I will just busy myself with a friend and try not to wish for him to want to talk to me.

I reread the letter several times over and I think that much of it will impact him if the book made him realize he needed to take her out of the picture. There's some stuff in there that he won't agree with-like he still really loves me and if he's willing to try. So maybe I should just send him the link to the MB website and a couple of other places and wait a few days on the letter.

I did tell him about it and asked if he would read it and he said yes so maybe tomorrow night around the time when he gets in from work would be good. I'll have to think about it. Any other good stuff to send him now that he's actually thinking/reading instead of screaming I want a divorce now?

My H did this for me and if you feel like this you have EVERY chance of making it.

Seriously, you cannot be "friends" with the OP. As someone on here said "NC is NC is NC, which part of that don't you understand."

Tell me how to help him through the pain. He's not staying here at the house but will come around after school/evening/weekends sometimes to see the kids. What did your husband do to help you with the pain? I'm really looking for ideas.

Tonight I told him I understood and he got pretty huffy about it and I backed off and asked him to explain it to me. He said he just couldn't talk and I could hear him fighting tears in his voice. I hurt so bad for what he has done but as strange as it may seem, I hurt for him too. I'm probably too soft hearted for my own good but I do still love the man. He made a mistake and no one is perfect and I can deal with it as long as he's willing to try.

I know NC means NC but there are some fairly extreme consequences here and I can't divuldge them. I am willing although I know it's not best to permit a little especially since there was full contact up until very recently and he saw the light and has ended the PA. I would like for her to find someone else to lean on and tell him to stop all contact. I will continue to apply slow but steady pressure in that direction.

Your name says it all.

My H felt exactly the same way you did. He said to me one night "I think you've been hurt more than I have." He couldn't believe how naive I'd been. He hated that I was hurting. One night he sat me down, it was summer and we were out on our patio. He'd bought a bottle of wine and he said "now tell me Jen's story. Don't miss anything out, don't worry if I'm hurt, I can take it."

I was overwhelmed with the love he had for me. We talked and talked and talked and that's when I first felt the incredible love he had for me and that's when I first felt the stirring of love I had for him.

He used to hold me when I cried for the OM. He was wonderful, I love him to bits.

Your H is a very lucky man. I just can't see you not making it.

Unless the extreme consequences are a child that has resulted from the A, I just can't see that it's any different from any other A.

Anymore advice on helping him through this? My fear is that because he isn't here to see the love in my eyes and the eyes of the children, that he won't be able to take the pain. He doesn't want to be near me now and it is because I haven't given him any other viable choice in his eyes. I would rather it be a clear choice on his part to do this but I must face it that it's not.

I asked him if he was ready for any information from MB yet even though he said yes yesterday. He said no this AM but he is coming home and will be here most of the next 3 weeks straight. He wants the guest room and that's fine. He's in so much pain-I hear his voice crack and the tears and it tears me up. I do love him regardless of his mistakes and want him to wake up and see. I was worried about him not being here for plan A-now it looks like he'll be here a lot.

So what do in helping him with his pain? I told him I was strong and that he could talk to me. He does like wine so maybe I'll ply him with a little on a daily basis so he'll open up some.

We set up some groundrules and I started the push for the rest of what I need. He gave a little but told me he just wasn't ready to talk about all of it yet. He did give in on coming home, being here more, and less contact. So I should probably back off for a bit and try a super plan A.

Post deleted by forgivenessiskey

(( fik ))

I am pretty much where you are right now. I have been reading and waiting for responses to you.

You may want to read my thread started today, 2 - 3.

It is obvious to me that my WH is in serious withdraw from his OW. I am unsure as to what I should do too.

Of course, no ones' story is alike, but then again, in a way they all are. My advise is to be loving and nice but with boundries. But, I am no expert, so I am waiting for you to receive more help also.

My very best to you.

Carnation