Brief history: WW had A (PA & EA) with BIL for 2 years off and on.
NC established on D-Day since he is my sisters H. BIL revealed to my sister and that is how I found out.

It has been approx. 4.5 months since D-Day for me. I have been Plan A’ing and trying deal with her “Fog and withdrawl”.

But as time goes on, I am finding myself withdrawing from WW and am feeling like there is little hope of our M lasting.
At this point there is no SF and she meets no EN’s at all. She says that she wants to save the marriage, but I feel like I am nothing more than a roommate. I can’t except this and have told her. She is not open to really discuss anything deeply yet, I hope this will change soon. I have read enough posts to know that it will probably take her 6 months or more to finally realize what she has done.

WW does things for me and seems to carry on with life as if nothing has happened, it tears my guts out to see this behavior from her, and it is as if there is no remorse whatsoever. My sister has told me that she sees the same behavior from her H, although he did not have feelings for my W. He just used her for SF and nothing more.

My WW has begun to realize that he never cared for her. Could this cause her to just shut down inside due to that fact? I realize from all that I have read that she needs to deal with her inner demons, but she won’t let me help by at least talking to her about it. How can I make her understand that she is pushing me away and it is compromising any reconciliation?

My DD has been very upset over all of this and has at times told WW that she has ruined her life. This is an 11-year-old child, and she seems to have more perspective than WW at this time.

I just need to know how to save this M for all of our sakes. DD has made it clear that she will not tolerate a D and I hope that we can work this out if only for her sake.

Will your wife agree to get some counseling?

Since your BIL didn't have a future in mind with your wife, she probably feels used. Also you have the whole family dynamics thing going. YIKES!

I think you need to get some counseling and hopefully your wife will go too. It might help your daughter also.

No she will not agree to counseling MC nor IC.

I agree that it is time for me to go and see someone though.

You are still very early in this and so is your wife. They are usually not repentant at all at this stage. But that does change.

I suggest you make an appointment for some IC and see if you can have your daughter come too.

believer,

Thanks for the reply.

It gives me some reassurance that she will one day realize what unbelievable damage this has caused to our family as well as the entire family as a whole. I wonder how hard she will hit bottom when the day does come.........hard to say I guess.

krk,

I think you are missing something here. You said
Whether she realizes the damage she has done is NOT the point in my view. What is important that she return to or become a W you could love and respect and Oh! trust. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
You might want her to become or return a W that is empathetic and supportive of you.

It is very likely she will NEVER understand the pain she put you through or your daughter. She might get a clue, but it is unlikely that she truely will know. It is also likely that she knows she has done damage to you, your daughter, and the marriage. She may not care too much, OR she may not know how to address it.

So I would like to suggest you evaluate her based on her behavior and actions now and whether these consititute a W that you want or a person you want in your life.

I think it was Pep that made the comment about the "BS has to stop wishing for a better past." I liked that comment but it is something that will have to happen with you. As Beleiver pointed out you are still early in this mess. I don't have time today, but I would like to direct you to a post by SKM entitled SKM's Chronicles. You can do a search for the key word Chronicles in Recovery and find her post. It was done around 02 or 01 I believe. It will offer you some insight into the recovery of a WS.

Hang in there, but i suspect she will never know how badly she hurt you or your daughter. Further, she does not want to face it, that is my guess. However, the real issue is what kind of W and mother is she NOW, and what does the future hold.

Just some thoughts, I hope something I said will help.

God Bless,

JL