Ladychevy,
You must take care of YOU first and foremost!
I will not go into my story right off the bat here, but I do know what flashbacks can do to you. You are not alone.
You did not deserve what that animal did to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Your husbands reactions are not unusual for a spouse of a victim of rape. Saying that does not make you feel better I am sure. You need to understand that it does not make it right either. His reactions were wrong and hurtful.
I cannot say for his cheating at this point. But would rather that you begin to heal you and not your marriage at this point.
Let me tell you these things about the way a spouse may react to thier spouses rape:
First they may internalize it all.
Meaning how it affects them, not you but them. Sounds cruel, but that is what it is. Just like a BS feels about thier WS sleeping with another person. No you didnt chose to do this, but the inocence is lost forever.
Second: They let you down in the role of protection.
He was not there to protect you. His behavior, in his mind, may have led to your being raped. He failed, that is hard to handle. He let you down in his mind.
Third: They truely do not know what to do or to say.
They are angry too. They want to fix it, but there is no way to. They want to comfort but do not know how. And sometimes the thought of saying the wrong thing keeps them away. They would rather say nothing, then something hurtful or cruel.
Fourth: You are surely different in your behaviors, coping, actions, demeanor, personae, etc.
This one act has changed you for the rest of your life and his too. This is hard to swallow for anyone. You cope differently with life now I am sure. Your outlook on life may be different. Your marriage skills may have taken a back seat for now...which it should. You are a different person than you were pre-rape.
What your husband said was cruel and hurtful. He should have known better. And I am truely sorry for what he said to you. I bet he might like to take those words back to this day. And if he was having an A while you were raped, then his guilt must be two fold or more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Dealing with flashbacks is agonizing for you, it must take it toll on you each and everyday. The horror of it happening over and over can devastate even a saint.
I am sure that you have developed alot of the typical behaviors that a rape or abuse victim has:
1. Disassociation- During the rape or abuse, you probably were able to separate yourself from the act happening to you. Afterwards, when in a room full of people or when in bed with your husband, you are able to repeat that. You can literally separate yourself into 2 different people, stare at the ceiling, or pick a spot on a wall, or even go to a good place, and still allow an act to happen.
2. Low self esteem- feeling like you are not worthy of love or friendship.
3. Minimizing- you learned probably this right from him with his statement to you. Like someone who has been raped looks that way. But you probably internalized what he said, and may have even made it sound less than what it was. A vicious crime.
4. Compartmentalize- to store those awful memories somewhere deep in the brain so you do not have to deal with it all the time.
5. Closed mouthed- you try not to talk about it. In todays society we even on this board are told to expose, expose, expose. But when sexually abused or raped, it is almost taboo to even bring it up. Why? No clue from me, but it happens, and the more you keep it to yourself and not deal with it, the more it poisons your brain.
6. Self blaming- no details needed here. But some feelings may be, I deserved it, I got what I asked for being out late at night, I enjoyed it, etc. All not true, but we do that.
7. Lack of Empathy- you may have ignored your own pains from this whole thing, not surprising then if you cannot empathize with others fully.
8. Lack of trust- no surprise with this.
9. Distorted views of self and others. You may view yourself as "dirty", "unclean" etc and may see others in a different light now.
I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination. I live with this everyday and will for my entire life.
I wanted to give you a little understanding of what is "normal" for you. I found this information over the many years I have had to self destruct and rebuild.
I read a book, I think it is called the "The Healing Journey" written by 2 women, that had a chapter for for spouses. It clearly stated, that the healing journey is something that the victim must do, with or without the spouse. It is an extremely volatile time, big ups and downs. WHen you get to a low, you are way down. You may vascilate between the 2 in a matter of minutes. Real rollercoaster ride. Many spouses are not ready for this, they have not been given the tools or knowledge to do so.
The book advises them, if they do not feel up to it, they can and should just walk away. This time will be about you and only you. They are better to walk than to interfere with your healing.
The way you typed, in the disassociated way I know well, leads me to believe that you have alot of pain and alot of surpressed emotions and hurting inside you. It sickens me to think that people hurt this much. I see you hurting, and I am validating you.
I came here in rough shape too. I was hurting after my WH A was exposed, and all the years of violent abuse, rape, and physical abuse from my past came down on me ontop of his A. I was in utter shambles. So low, that to type to these wonderful people here was nothing to me. I was nothing, I hated myself and life. I felt that I deserved what he did to me, this was all that I was good for, my fault, what my purpose was. To live in h*ll for all times. Unclean, dirty, worthless, sl*t, scum, all of it, I felt that. I was a failure, couldnt even keep my husband happy, just nothing. Take a look at my screenname...it says it all of how I felt that those days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
So like I said earlier, you are special, you are worth more than anything or anyone right now. You will have a heck of a road ahead for yourself, with the trial, the flashbacks. You will have to focus all of your time and attention on you. You need to seek immediate counseling. If your counselor now (if you have one) isnt doing anything for you, get another and another until you find one that does. There are alot of ones that just dont do rape and abuse well. DO NOT stop with one, keep trying others. Regardless, I will be here for you as will all these wonderful people on MB.
((((((((((((((((Ladychevy)))))))))))))))))))
ps...sorry the post is soo long and may trigger alot of people, I am sorry but this is so important for you and others like who who may not be able to even post these things just yet.
JE
