|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96 |
Smartcookie suggested I contact you because she thought you might have some Ideas on my situation trying to deal with a WW who doesnt want to put any effort into the relationship side of our M, If you have the time & think you might be able to help I would appreciate it.
Cliff
BS (me) 43 WS (her) 41 Discovered A 10/19 NC established 10/25 withdrawal ended 11/18 (the worst of it anyway) refuses counseling previous user name tazcliff
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
cnamzat-
Just wanted to stop by. Mortar probably won't be on this evening. Weekends are slow around here. I wanted to make sure someone posted to you though.
Make sure that you put a link about your story on here or re-tell it, whichever you prefer. Don't worry about being redundant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39 WH-37 Together 15 years Married 12 years 7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16. Mine: DD22, DD15 Ours: DD12 Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 810
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 810 |
((bump)) Caren, thanks, that was nice of you.
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Be on tonight!
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
No thanks needed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39 WH-37 Together 15 years Married 12 years 7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16. Mine: DD22, DD15 Ours: DD12 Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Smartcookie suggested I contact you because she thought you might have some Ideas on my situation trying to deal with a WW who doesnt want to put any effort into the relationship side of our M, If you have the time & think you might be able to help I would appreciate it.
Cliff Sure. I understand this very well. I still struggle with a wife that hasnt put her all into the recovery. So, let's talk. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96 |
Well here goes Ill try to keep it brief Im not sure if U have seen any of my other post & Im not sure where to start. I guess my biggest issue is how to keep on track & motivated rebuilding my marriage with a WS who thinks all she as to do is wait & see if her feelings will come back & takes no responsibility for anything she has done.
She is trying to be nicer & we talk more on a daily basis, but I would say were not much more than roommates right now, I did get her attention last week when I told her I wouldn't let things go on like this indefinitely & she seemed to start paying a little more attention. It as been suggested that I need to be more patient, Im having a hard time with that because Im getting noting in return. Even my IC who is for trying to save the marriage is at a loss about what I should do.
Basically what Im looking for is how to stay motivated & giver her time without pushing.
When if ever should I see or expect some effort on her part.
How long do I give her to commit to trying, we are a long way off from recovery.
One last thing & I will let you mull things over & see what you need me to get more specific about. An example of some of the thing she does A couple of weeks ago I invited her out on A date to a comedy club after a couple of days when by I asked again if she wanted to go & I got her standard answer I don't care if you want to. I made plans for us to go ( because my counselor said when she is being indecisive to make the plans to take her out) She seem to be happy about going except we had to go to a later show because she took so long to decide. On the night in question she took a nap since it would be a late night I woke her up an hour before we had to leave, 20 min later she was still in bed & I reminded her of the time again. Another 20 min went by she was still in bed, I let her know the time again. 5 min before we were supposed to leave she got up & came & asked If we were still going. I told her that I was going with or with out her, she decided to go. last week when we were having a discussion this night got brought into the conversation & she actually blamed me for " not getting her up to go " Just on of the many things I get blamed for. anyway please let me know what I need to explain better so you have the info you need to make suggestions/help.
Thanks in advance
Cliff
BS (me) 43 WS (her) 41 Discovered A 10/19 NC established 10/25 withdrawal ended 11/18 (the worst of it anyway) refuses counseling previous user name tazcliff
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96 |
BS (me) 43 WS (her) 41 Discovered A 10/19 NC established 10/25 withdrawal ended 11/18 (the worst of it anyway) refuses counseling previous user name tazcliff
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Hey Cliff,
I still have many of these problems. Each WS is a little different, so their recovery goes a little slower or faster than the next.
The idea is to keep moving forward. If what she is doing (or not doing) isnt what you need, you must continue to communicate that to her. You cant MAKE her do it...but you have to keep it on the table.
The thing she has to realize is that if EITHER of you is unhappy, this will not work. She needs to understand that her happiness and success is directly linked to your happiness and success. She gets what she wants and needs by helping you get what you want and need.
This will take time. And it will suck a lot of the time as the BS feels like they are doing all of the work. But if you keep doing your part, and keep communicating what needs to be done...then she will have to make a decision to do these things or to let the marriage go.
Again, I dont think she fully understands this yet. She still is in Taker mode and hasnt gotten fully onbaord. You cant make her get onboard. But you can continue to lay out the options, lay out the fact that you have needs here too and she is goingto have to meet them in order for both of you to succeed.
When you communicate, dont be adversarial. But dont be weak about it either. She has to know that this is important.
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 957
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 957 |
Mortarman,
I am having the same problem as CNAMZAT. She won't make a decision, won't plan anything ahead of time, when asked about Valentines Day I get "We'll see." Past experience has shown that "We'll see." generally means "Not only NO, H3LL NO!" My ENs are not being met and probably will not be met anytime soon. I'm frustrated, angry, and tired. She refuses to do anything so I can definitely understand where CNAMZAT is coming from. I also watch for your posts as I always learn something from you. CNAMZAT Sorry for the TJ.
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 810
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 810 |
Cliff, Any chance she's clinicly depressed?
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Here is what I have found thru these same problems. Basically, what needs to be done is to move forward as if they will do the right thing.
Example? Okay,you want to do something Valentine's Day. She is waffling. Or says "we'll see." What do you do? Create a crisis!
You tell her later "okay, I have made arrangements for Tuesday at the restaurant. We have reservations at 6pm." Notcie I didnt ASK her anything! You see, I had alread yasked previously, and she waffled. So with the waffling, I made the decision and moved forward.
Now, you ask...what about POJA? Well, POJA doesnt mean one spouse can jsut sit there and continue to refuse to do anything or make any decision.
So, you make the reservations and you move forward with it. She might balk at it. She might say "I never said we were going." Your response? "You never said we werent going. So, we are going."
Create a crisis. You see, if you dont, they will sit right there and do nothing many times. Now, thsi isnt an excuse to run roughshod over your spouse. It means that after trying to work with them, trying POJA...if they are still just wanting to sit still...then you move the situation forward.
Look, even if you reach recovery, not every marriage will recover. Sometimes, even once the affair is gone, the WS is so damaged that they never do recover. Any of our spouses could be canadidates for that.
So, you cant be afraid that it wont work out. You also cannot remain in a relationship where one party feels it is okay to ignore the other.
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 96 |
mortarman, thank you for your replies, I can honestly say I have been already doing 98% of what you have suggested & Im fully aware things may not work out, would be the easy way out for sure. I did make a commitment to the marriage so I will give it some time but I would have to say I wont let it drag out for ever, than if it ends up in D I can have a clear mind that I did all I could. Thanks in the positive reinforcement.
eagle15, no problem from what I can tell we have to be patient although my patients is wearing very thin, I feel for what you are going through.
SC yes she has issues probably more to do with confidence & self esteem though, I will have to look the definition of clinically depressed to see if it fits but even if it does unless she see the problem & wants help there's nothing I can do.
Cliff
BS (me) 43 WS (her) 41 Discovered A 10/19 NC established 10/25 withdrawal ended 11/18 (the worst of it anyway) refuses counseling previous user name tazcliff
|
|
|
0 members (),
725
guests, and
68
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,026
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|