hello all... i have just found out on 1/6/06 that my wife of 6yrs has been having an affair with my 19yo brother along with texts and pics of them...i had been suspicious since sept and every month i was told that i was paranoid and that they were just friends and that i was destroying our marriage with these suspicions so i backed off until 1/6/06 i found pics on her phone of them naked so i confronted her on them and then she confessed to the affair but i was so mad that i destroyed our bed cause some were in that. i then was arrested for assault and forcing myself on her.. then went to the hosp for psych help.... i am seeing IC/MC i am working on this NC its hard. i want to work this out with her but any time we are together we fight and the say that she is done and that im just not the one she wants right now.. help i want this marriage to work we have 2 children and i cant do this to them... any help will be greatly welcomed... i want her to stop talking to him but she keeps emailing that is what he told my mom.. as for the calling i dont know... but it seems to me that she is ths agressor and she doesnt see what she is doing is wrong..

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you had to come here, but it is a good place to be.

The starting point is Plan A. You can read all about it here, but it is basically showing her what a good husband you can be. It also includes exposing the affair. It sounds like you have done some of that.

Your wife might be trying to get some of her emotional needs met through your brother.

It is important that YOU start meeting those needs.

How was the marriage before all of this happened?

jolivar1,

You have already written some good background on the SI site. Can you post those links here?

it was a little on the rocks we wernt communicating as much and when we did we were arguing and she always thought that all i wanted from her was sex and when i didnt get it i was angry at her... but i wasnt... ill admit i wasnt communicating and neglecting her needs... i wanted to be there but i was busy with trying to provide for our family.. this had been going on for about 2mos before... she was off of her meds and feeling down.. but we were exercising and she was training for a triathlon so i thought all was well not to mention i really didnt want to get help... was i wrong for that was that a thing that drew her into his arms???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

No, that is what she is saying to convince herself and you to justify her A. R U gonna let her convince you of this babble?

L.

hello all... i have just found out on 1/6/06 that my wife of 6yrs has been having an affair with my 19yo brother along with texts and pics of them...i had been suspicious since sept and every month i was told that i was paranoid and that they were just friends and that i was destroying our marriage with these suspicions so i backed off until 1/6/06 i found pics on her phone of them naked so i confronted her on them and then she confessed to the affair but i was so mad that i destroyed our bed cause some were in that. i then was arrested for assault and forcing myself on her.. then went to the hosp for psych help.... i am seeing IC/MC i am working on this NC its hard. i want to work this out with her but any time we are together we fight and the say that she is done and that im just not the one she wants right now.. help i want this marriage to work we have 2 children and i cant do this to them... im optimistic that this will make our marriage stronger... any tips out there...
[This message edited by jolivar1 at 4:30 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)]

Did u just repost your 1st thread and change the ending? I asked you a question in my last post and you didn't respond. What type of advice r u looking for?

L.

im sorry i guess i did... i guess i also have let her convince me of this... whe came over crying that wkend saying that we have have had a problem and that she wanted to workd this out but when we argued she would just think of all the fun she had with him... im trying to get advice as to how to approach this... i am living with my parents and my brother lives ther too. i am doing this NC thing for both legal and emotional reasons but it doesnt seem to work she still emails him and when asked by her friends how she is doing she says that she is fine... i feel as if she has already moved on... i am angry and i want her to realize what she is doing is wrong and hurting me but she always says i know.... i ask her if she loves me and she say i do you are my true love and soulmate but i just dont love you in that way right now... and that hurts... im just confused angry and i want all this to end and us to be happy again. but i hate to wait... i havent talked to both of them for a week and it is killing me to see her pic on myspace and when she is online i wonder what she is doing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />hellllpppp

Okay, Plan A is the starting point. So read up on that.

So you and your brother live with your parents. Is that right? What does your brother say about all of this?

he says "i dont know i just want all of this to go away... and i ask him not without talking about it ... and he says yes it will ... she keeps on contacting... him i just saw and ATM WD where they stay and she has no friends in that area.. so it is evident that she doesnt care if i know anymore... i tell him to avoid her and he says that it is hard.. he just doesnt want to talk to me he just wants to talk to her.... i want him to stop and it makes me very angry... im here in fla for a wk but i go back on mon to start work and to face the situation(brother)... i want to ignore him but most of me just wants to badger him into realizing that he needs to leave her alone no matter how much she persues or vice versa... she seems like she is in fantasy of a love that we once had... i mean he looks and acts just as i did when i was that young.. she dresses him like me and some to the things they do were when we were young... i am reading up on plan A and hopefully it works... i am just so confused at this point i dont know whether to cry or just do nothing .... [color:"white"] [/color]

Well, you don't want to do nothing. Start with Plan A. You need to be meeting your wife's needs. Watch the money, too, as most cheaters will spend it on things other than their family.

Your brother has got to know he is doing the wrong thing. He needs to go completely no contact with her. I would continue talking to him about it.

i had been drilling that to him for two wks and he still continues with the emails... he says its hard... i guess so you have this beautiful 28 yo married women throwing herself to you and you cant say no cause your thinking with the wrong head you dumb%&%... but shortly after i say that he calls her and she says to stop badgering him... i was reading about plan A.. i asked her to stop and she sayed that she wasnt going to promise anything cause she started to love him and that it would be hard to stop any and all contact with him... so what do i do there.... ive been out of the house for close to a month now what with this no contact order RT my legal issues.. but after that is lifted i want to move back into my house would that be a good idea?? ive told her that i love her, want to work this out and that im here for her adnauseum. and she say i know but she just doesnt feel that way and say that it hurts and that is why she never wants to express how she is feeling... how can i get her to talk to me?? i have so many more questions but i have to run errands i will check in later... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Her feelings for you won't come back until she has no contact with your brother. So work on that. Is your family trying to help by talking to your brother?

no they just say until they get off of their highhorse there is nothing we can say... along with i can talk till im blue and he wont listen to me so they just leave it alone... so i get angry and it splits my mom... bless her heart... but he says that they are only emailing now and that isnt that bad... i tell her all contact shouild be off... but she doesnt understand... i was told that when her wallet gets hit and she financially cant afford this affair that it will clear her make her analyze what she has and what she wants is that true???? i dont know im reaching at straws... im working on myself by exercising and i will be going back to work nxt wk and that will get some of these things off my mind... my brother says that they love eachother and that is really hard to break contact this quickly... i still feel that he is thinking with the wrong head... i guess your right maybe i should just cut my losses and just be there for my children.... but i love this women and i would like to R.... i guess im wondering how long will it take before i see something happen.... im getting impatient... i want to be with this women in all means of the statement... i wish i had answers but i dont and i feel that is what scares me more... my comfort zone is no more and i have to find it.. sorry if im rambling but im just so confused...

I wish that your mom would realize that any kind of contact is helping to destroy your marriage.

Gosh, what a mess. It is really hard when the affair is in the family.

I think you should try to cut off her money as much as you can.

I'm confused. You live with your brother and your parents. Where does your wife live?

my wife and i live in our own house but i have a NC order legally so i cant go to my house... i was living with my parents... cause i dont have all the disposable income to just move out and live on my own... i am the only provider she is a student, she lives in our house and watches our two kids... all the while wanting to live her own life by going out and seeing him at which he doesnt work or pay for anything... i stupidly was not watching my bank stmts and when i finally did i noticed that i had beed paying for this affair the whole time... from food,clothes and other things... stupid me... but not anymore i will only pay for the mortgage and the electric all the rest is her responability... all the other i will be cancelling.. i dont want to make her love me by doing that i just want her to realize that im not paying for them to do this... not to mention she is taking away from our family when she does this.... i spoke with her today and i only spoke to her about the kids and finances and i could tell that she was getting a bit angry to to end of the conversation but i told her that i was not going to argue with her and that i was letting her go... that didnt seem to make her happy... but then again im starting to get sick of all these @#@#$%%# mind games...any sugestions to keep this NC thing... i want to move back in soon and how do you keep NC... can we still talk about other things or do you still keep it to just the kids and finances???? well im going to go and finish watching the rest of the game thank you all for the advice.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Plan A is not no contact between you and her. There needs to be no contact between your brother and her.

Watch the money. There is nothing wrong with keeping your money for your kids, and not paying for or enabling the affair. She will be angry, but will get over it.

I think you are confused, too. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

NC here means No Contact between WS and OP - not you and her. The only time you would want to have no contact between you and her would be in Plan B. However, you don't go to Plan B until you have done the best possible Plan A.

Do you mean she has a restraining order against you since you were charged with assault? That is entirely different.

If she has no retraining order and you want this marriage to work, I suggest you move home to your house. It is much harder to save a marriage if you are not in the same house.

Please read the site for information on Plan A.

Plan A also includes exposure to help kill the affair.

so once the NC is over i should move in??? what if she doesnt want me too, cause she sounds like that is what she wants... she still has contact with him through emai what do i do about that... i want to control the finance but she say that is my way of trying to control her... and im not really i just want this A to stop and i want all of this to go away i know it sounds childish but i am not used to feeling like this... i feel so out of sorts.. i asked her if she had gone to see the SW and she said dont worry i will take care of my self and we will talk when i get back... im in Fla to get my head together.. suggested and funded by her mom... of which she is not in favor of this affair along with her father but she says that she is an adult and that she doesnt care... hellppp i really need a miracle... or maybe i dont i just need answers...