Simple, but spot on...I like it, Jen

Thanks Low, you often speak for me (in a man's voice) so I'm pleased I could give you something.

I never felt entitled, never, not once. I HATED what I was doing, it went against everything I am as a person and all my core values, which is why I was permanently drunk or hungover during the entire A. My family thought my only problem was alcholism. I'm serious, they were extremely concerned.

I asked the OM once why he was doing this. He said "because I choose to." I said "I am because I can't help myself." I was obsessed by then and couldn't have stopped.

Oh buddy, good question, like everyone said, only you can answer that question. I have come to the conclusion that a person can love 2 people at the same time, it's just the love for the person you promised that love to waivered along the way, weakened and was put to the test. If your here because you cheated you flunked and as i have learned many of us don't pass that big test. How there are so many ways to flunk it! PA, EA (emotional affair, what the heck?).
For me, something WAS missing. I know I'll get beat up for this comment but this OM wisked my heart away in one single swoop. Ok, it didn't happen that way. We both were in messed up Relationships and we both got weak but we never went beyond the point of no return, PA.
At the time I really disliked my H, I still do many days but it was my conscious that put an end to it. I came to the conclusion and through the help here that if I was strong enough to tell him that alone would put a stop to it, aknowledging the fact. No way it will go any further once the cat is out of the bag although the cat may become road kill from the info I was about to confess.
I am greatful I was strong enough to stop it there but I always said I would never ever cheat, come to find out, I was, an full blown EA.
If things are stressed, affection in missing, the simple I love you's aren't being said, fights are erupting more than active volcanoes and the cheaters heart isn't strong enough, it can easily happen.
It happened, I regret it, and now I love 2 men. I love the H enough to leave the OM alone forever and the OM enough to let him go. Make sense? No, but accepting the responsiblity for our actions does.

Might sound romantic to you now, but you'll be embarrassed you could ever say this in a couple of years.

My IC once used this line of reasoning to help me let go. "If you really love her, you'll get out of her life."
A few months later we were talking about it and he reminded me of this...I felt embarrassed. he said "don't be...it's what you needed to let go at the time."

I'm still embarrassed.

Low

I'm with you, LO...

Smfry13? I'm guessing that your A was recent and you are still working through all of it. Is that correct?

"At the time I really disliked my H, I still do many days"

Please keep learning about why you made your choices because of what was in you, not your H. If you haven't reached embarrassed and the belief you didn't love OM, well, I can't imagine what hope there is for your H and you to recover. It will happen again.

I'm so sorry.

LA

Yeah, well, I should be embarrased, I had an EA, didn't even know that I was having an A. It sounds good for now, I'm keeping my half a$$ excuse of a phrase and hope one day I can forgive myself for this mess.

No, the embarrassment isn't for having the EA...it is for believing that you loved another person as much as your H. Or that you loved them at all.

You can't forgive what you don't know you did. You got your need for intimacy from someone else instead of your H. Are you getting that now? Are you giving it? Do you know your ENs and your H's?

I was mortified by my As. I was embarrassed by my beliefs. That's how it was for me. I'm still working on forgiveness, some days...but the more I owned that I turned away from my H (spite, piled resentments, low self-esteem, anger, lonliness), the more I see that I won't make that choice again, no matter how H treats me or how someone else does. My choice.

LA

I was in the affair for 1 month until BS found out. As for what I was thinking? It felt like it wasn't real, that I was actually dating a new person and then resuming life normally with BS when I got home. Entitlement is something I am beginning to think about but it still says nothing for why i did it. I don't know why or how I could have done that. We were happy and she did nothing to deserve this. It feels like I just did it just because the opportunity came and I took it . I was in love with 2 people...which is one more than there should really be. There is nc now even though I see her everyday. Thanks to all of you, I feel like I have some direction to go in now.

Thanks for coming back and posting, T2R.

You say you felt like it wasn't you doing this? Like you were two people maybe? Have you cheated in the past...on other people?

Do you think that you couldn't do such a thing without good reason? Or does it sound like another thing you screwed up, like always?

One month, huh? And you believe you were in love with two people at the same time?

No contact but you see OW everyday? Help?!?

LA

I didn't read the thread just the first post.

Because people are not aware of themselves. They don't understand why they are the way they are. Why they are acting a certain way. They have buried pain and trauma that is controlling their actions and they don't even recognize it.

Most people would never "choose" to hurt their spouse by cheating. When someone makes the choice to have an affair, their choice is not one of pure logic and reason. It is a choice coming from a twisted and maimed point of view. Twisted and maimed by past emotional trauma buried in their subconscious.

It's generally not the WS' fault, or the BS' fault. However the WS' has the responsibility of the actions, the responsbility is just a necessary evil to make everything function.

I am new to the board and do not know what a "ws" or "bs" is. However and I know people will disagree and lecture but hear me out. Honesty is good, to a point, if you cheat realize it was wrong(no matter what the reason, drunk, felt connected, missing something relationship whatever) so long as YOU know you love your spouse and are willing to move on and be faithful...KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Think about it, you are not telling them to be honest you are telling them to ease your guilt b/c you think if you are forgiven its not as bad. Well your spouse will be hurt and insecure, you'll need counscilling, it will take forever to regain trust. You made the mistake, if you are sorry then make sure you didn't get any kind of disease and so long as you are clean if you love your spouse keep your mouth shut, deal with the guilt and try to be the best partner you can be. We are only human and we make mistakes, don't let a mistake ruin all that is good in both of your lives.

Not true I'm afraid bride2be.

There is no way in the world I could live in a sham marriage with my H not knowing a very important part of his life was not what he thought it was. It wasn't guilt that made me confess, it was letting a good man know what he was dealing with so he could make an adult decision based on all the facts.

I've been married 31 years, 28 years when I had the A.

Have you cheated bride2be?

Welcome, Bride.

Have you read Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty? The Harleys created Marriagebuilders in the face of the exact thing you believe. You don't see a down side. Here's the link where the downside is evident:

Policy of Radical Honesty

In the book, "Surviving An Affair," Harley shows how the no tell policy will poison a relationship anyway. You aren't telling your spouse to ease your guilt, you are telling your spouse because otherwise you are taking away their informed choice whether or not to stay with you. Not respectful to manipulate through ignorance, is it?

If you don't find out why you cheated, you'll do it again. I know. I was like that. You can't be the best partner possible if you're pretending something you're not--faithful.

You're right about being human. We all do damage. We are forgivable. Why hide something from your spouse when you are forgivable? Why be someone you're not to them and rob them of knowing you for who you really are and what you've done?

WS = Wayward Spouse...someone actively engaged in an affair.

BS = Betrayed Spouse

Here to help,

LA

T2R,

I have never been in your situation. I have however, read a lot on this thread. I realize that YOU will have to dig inside to find the answer to your question and I hope you do for YOUR sake if not that of your marriage.

I would like to suggest however, that you might want to consider your actions within the context of the term LOVE vs. the term "feeling in-love". The first term is a verb and it is something you do to your spouse rather OR not you feel like it. I think it might be obvious that you were not loving to your W while having your A, thus you did NOT love to women at the same time, no matter what you felt.

Now this splitting of hairs about "love" is why there are vows and promises. One cannot promise to "feel in love" for the rest of your life, but one can promise to "love" someone for the rest of your life. Hence this splitting hairs is really much more.

I mention all of this in light of Low's posts which I find to be exceedingly enlighting and I hope as helpful to you as he has been to many others here. It seems to me the question you have to ask yourself, is how did you justify to yourself having the affair, and NOT loving your spouse/gf. In the process of understanding your justification I think you will find the answer to your question.

I wish you luck, and I hope that the folks here can help you.

God Bless,

JL

Also not "forever" to gain trust. Honesty and openness, yes councilling, yes, a lot of heartache and probably the worst time of our lives.

But here we are, still married and still happy.

BTW bride2b I don't think you can call an 18 month physical affair which is what I had a "mistake" that you can sweep under the carpet.

Yes, guilt made you confess, b/c you couldn't hide something hurtful from your spouse. I would feel guilty to put someone through that kind of pain, having you tell them you cheated. If you feel guilty and sorry and have no intention of doing it again then telling is selfish. It relieves you of guilt and inflicts pain and mistrust on your spouse. God will forgiven you, but I do not believe that humans can fully forgive something like that. Sure you can go to counscilling and they can say they forgive you but always and for the rest of your life it will be in their mind, everytime you come home late, everytime they do something wrong they have your infedelity to hold over you. Sorry i could not disagree more, I stand by what I said keep your mouth shut. An affair or serial cheating are different(in those cases there is usually little or no remorse)but I do not believe in ruining a marriage over a one time thing. I am catholic, everything is a sin and you feel guilty about everything, go to confession then put it out of your mind. To each his own, congrats to those with very modern, open and forgiving relationships! I can only judge from what I have seen and telling your spouse hey sorry one to many martinis and....is a reciepe for disaster.

I'm on a roll here.

I used to talk to an MBer who found out after 23 years his w had cheated on him just before they were married with the same person she had an A with 20 years later.

He found the 23 year lie unforgivable.

Everyone has a deal breaker so to speak and for some cheating is a deal breaker, meaning sorry end of marriage I am happy you and your husband could work it out. No 18mnths is a long time but was it a side relationship with sex or just sex. If it was just sex I would live with the guilt, relationship(dinner,movies,talking about the future ect) that is something that means re-evaluating if you still want to be married. Again everyone is different and I won't judge you or what works for you.

Not condoning it but they weren't very discreet were they. Sorry but with todays technology(cell phones,e-mail and ability to change pass words) it doesn't take a rocket scientist to hide it. Did she let her "lover" know where she lived, worked ect? If she did, not very bright. Again I am not supporting this just saying she obviously let this person know too much about her if he told her husband. Pay in cash, go to areas where no one knows you, never give a last name, never talk about your family, clearly this woman didn't cover her bases.