I,
1.Married a woman I loved because she was kind,considerate, caring, loving, and hard working.
2. Had three children with her and, was hard working and devoted to her and the children (who are now young adults)
for 26+ years.(Children are all still at home. Son 23 Daughter 19 Daughter 15, all ours.)
3. Was not (and still not) a very social man but did things socially for his wife and children. (was not a very trusting
man when it came to his family) Wanted them to be protected from all bad influence.
4. Trusted my wife so far as to let her have a social life with the neighbors a few doors down or wherever she found
friends. I knew she loved to talk, and she knew I wasn’t much of a talker when we married.
5. Trusted my wife to go walking at first alone, and then with the neighbors husband. She had told me that she had no
attraction to him and that they really didn’t talk much when they were walking. (I had questioned my wife for I was
feeling like my wife was being moved in on) but my mind was put to ease when my wife reassured me that nothing but
walking was being done.(Also he was married with two children and a police officer and would be sort of built in
protection while she was walking)
6. I got hurt at work (herniated discs in neck and back and have been off now for 2 years) and just about the same time
our sex life diminishes... (from about 3 times a week to about 3 times a year...no exaggeration)
7. My family usually took vacation together at camp to get away once a year. Now my wife took our youngest child
with her on vacation with the neighbors to their camp. Not once but twice in the same year. I was invited but I had told my wife I didn’t care much for their company (the neighbors) so I didn’t want to ruin it for my wife and daughter.
8. We ended the year without going to our usual camping trip.
9. That year at New Years eve...My wife and I and our youngest went to the neighbors to celebrate...New year had come and gone and I said we were leaving, so the youngest child got her jacket and me also, but my wife had decided to stay with the neighbors. (I felt rejected and so did my daughter)
10. A few months have past and I saw the neighbor lady walking up the street...and asked her why she is walking. She goes on to explain that her husband had left her. (I never really did trust her husband although he was a policeman) My wife never said anything about it.
11. I assumed that my wife is now walking alone, because the neighbors husband had left his family. (he had 2 children)
12. Months go by and I am walking home from the store and I am stopped by the neighbor lady. She goes on to tell me
that my wife and her husband have been talking daily for months on the phone. Not just once a day but up to four times a day. (over a hundred times in one month..she had the phone records to show me)
13. I naturally am furious and now have ideas, too bad to mention....(I am more physical than a talker) Not good for the neighbors husband lets just say. Anyway, I confronted my wife about it and she confessed to it and tells me that it was wrong for her to be doing it but doesn’t give any explanation as to why or what they were talking about. She just said it was about general things. I explained to my wife that I was about to do something terrible to the guy, then she explained that it was her that was doing most of the calling. Now I don’t know what to make of it.
14. While all of this is taking place I also find out my wife is taking Xanax, Pills which do or could change the way
people think. I have looked it up in the drug book and found she has had more than one of the side effects. So now I don’t know if its the drug to blame or the neighbors influence. Also she has been stealing (she was very mad when I accused her) my pain medication for years without me knowing. Vicodin. (I had previous back surgery)
15. During the past year my wife has been going to bars with another neighbor lady that lives on the other side. This has been going on before I found out about any of these other things that have happened. Also I found out that years before,the neighbors that she had befriended, had talked her into having sex talk with the husband on the computer.(that would be my wife with the neighbor ladys husband.) Now I have had this guy in my house, with him knowing and participating in all this with my wife. With friends like that...you know the rest. All of this is completely out of character for my wife. If she was like this, I would have never married her.
16. Also my wife has been talking to other men online. When I asked her about it one morning when I saw her online,
she all of the sudden got very defensive and shut down the aol and got rid of her online account that very morning. I
eventually got into some files on the computer and discovered that she had been talking with about 5 people and
one of them was the neighbor ladys husband. I found another name that happened to be a woman. Just so happened that
my wife was talking to her husband (this woman is from out west) and she became upset when she found out, but then
she started to e-mail with my wife and figured it was harmless because of the distance. But then found out that her husband and her had separated shortly after.(I found out by e-mailing the woman)
17. After a while I wanted to ask about what is going on, and my wife keeps telling me that we are going to have to talk. The thing is, I have asked her to talk about it four times now, and she keeps avoiding it. She tells me to tell her what is going on, because she says she doesn’t even know. I am trying not to be pushy...
18. My wife tells me that she has to ask the neighbors husband if he left his wife because of something she had done. So I figured she would call him, but she ended up calling and asking him to meet her for tea (without me knowing) .... at guessing, some restaurant...
19. I am now really confused and upset and don’t know what to think. I did not want something like that to happen...
and if it did, I would have wanted to be there. I am now being treated as the outsider. I questioned her as to
why she would do that. She said she wanted to make sure she had nothing to do with the seperation. Then I asked her
“What would you have told him if he had said that it was you, that was the reason.” She couldn’t give me a quick
answer and said she never really thought about it.
20. I am now about out of my mind, so I figured I would try something...I found her in the bedroom and explained to
her that I had had enough, and that I would be leaving her. To my surprise she was as cold as ice and took it as though
that was the plan all along. She just had a evil looking smile and calmly asked “well where are you going to go...?” It was like a scene out of some evil movie, (The Exorcist or something like it.) Not like her at all by now.
21. After 30 years (by the way, she is 47 and I am 48 yrs old) and now she treats me as if I was the biggest mistake of her life. She goes on to say that, now she knows how the other half live, but doesn’t explain what she meant by it. I am now very upset but keep my temper and ask her if it has all been for nothing except for the kids, and she just says calmly...You cant say that. Nothing more is said. IMPORTANT NOTE (Now this is a woman that was a very emotional lady, caring, loving, gentle, and kind for all of her life. Atleast up until about 2 years ago.)
22. I have given my wife all control over every cent that I have earned for 26+ years except for the money that I
managed to save only to use to buy her gifts. I bought the house I didn’t want, but she wanted. I bought the car that she wanted but I thought it was too much money. She (and I am to blame also for not keeping tabs on her) has put us in a financial disaster....and I still tell her that I don’t care about the money....I just want to know what it is that has been going on behind my back. Not just some of it, all of it. I am tired of hearing about my wife from other strange people. And of course, the most important question. Is she still my wife?
23. She has told me that she has been faithful to me to this day and that nothing had happened between her and anyone else. She also told me that she still loves me but she is not sure if she is still in love with me. That part had felt like a knife was just shoved into my heart and twisted. She also says that I am no fun. And that she wants to have fun.(One of the reasons we don’t go and have fun is because it usually costs money to do the things she and the kids want to do but we are financially strapped.) I have never thrown that in her face though. The thing with the neighbors husband she says was just a general friend thing and she just talked to him about general things. I have had no reason to doubt her because she has never lied to me before. I know that she is hiding things now though....but lying...... I still have to believe her.
24. I have a few questions about all of this as you may well expect. I tried to be a good provider...a good father to my children and a good husband to my wife. It has never entered his mind that something like the before mentioned would ever happen to me and my family. I have been offered at least once a year and at times more than once with sexual
favors from other women, but have always been faithful to my wife. One thing that has happened that is different over
the years is that my wife at about the same time I was hurt at work, had started a walking program to lose weight. I
always would tell her that she is a beautiful and sexy woman. She was always told she was the only one for me but
for some reason she wanted to get back to the weight that she was when she married me. Who she was trying to impress
was and is still unknown. (IMPORTANT NOTE....) One night she went out in the car and was very disturbed.(I did not
know at the time) Unknown to me but I later find out that she is talking suicidal. She called me on the phone and told
me that she doesn’t know what she is going to do. She also told me that she has taken her Xanax pills with her and she
doesn’t know how many she has taken or how many she will take. She also will not tell me where she is or what she is
doing. She just said that it is hard to see while driving. There was alot of other things said but I will not write here. I told her I wanted to know where she was so I can go and get her. She is now talking about, well at least I thought she was thinking about wrecking the car at a high rate of speed. I finally convinced her to come home.(VERY STRESSFUL CONVERSATION) I was very relieved for her and the kids sake. I am now thinking she has been seeing this neighbor womans husband, more than what she is telling me.(Because I am thinking she is feeling guilty about something?)There is something bothering her but she will not say. I don’t know if its guilt or not. I would like to get all this cleared up. The last thing that I want is my wife and the mother of my children to be hurt in any way. She has since got another job and quit the walking thing. But it seems as though she is trying to make things up financially, I don’t know, but something like, Here I owe you this. First of all, with the jobs that she has, it would take her 50 years to make up for all the money we have lost. Secondly, I had already told her that if she wanted to go, that she could have everything, there wasn’t anything that I wanted except for her and the kids. That is what I am about and that is all I am about. As long as they are under roof, eating well, and happy. That is all I ask in this life. Look around and see at how people treat other
people. It is not an easy thing today, to keep your family together. With all the crap they feed you on TV, all the bad
news, and with our luck, the neighborhood is nothing short of the same. Thieves and Cheats living right next-door to
you. I just don’t know anymore......
I haven’t talked to anyone about this whole mess except for a little part of it with my wifes sister. She is about the only one I could think of that could help in some way with this and to keep it discreet. If I was to say anything to anyone else this surely would have blown up. I think it would have a real bad impact on the kids, especially the youngest. As of right now I don’t know what is going to happen, At times I have prayed that God would take me, before I do something stupid (something bad enough to spend the rest of my life in prison) or to embarrass my children or hurt them in anyway. I have walked inside of this house for two years, at times wearing a path, back and forth trying to make some sense of it all. I could not have been hurt by anyone, except for one person. It has happened, and I still can’t believe it. Sometimes I just want to pack up and disappear.. I have always been told, “You have to learn to trust people more... ” well, My mother has accused me of stealing her coin collection (when I was 17 or so) only to find it that same day and that she misplaced it. The local priest had told my wife to leave me, this was before we started our family (Our first 2 years of marriage) and without even talking to me and hearing my side of the story. By the way, I just recently
found that out. My brother tried to get me to become an adulterer (In our first 5 years of marriage..I admit I was tempted but did not fall for it). And now my own wife has been doing things in secret, behind my back.(I still don’t know the whole story)
She has lately been acting if she is trying to make things right again. But how is that possible, I mean how can
she expect me to react to her in the same manner as I did before I knew all of this? I can’t live a normal life until all of this is out in the open with her and me. I mean we have to be on the same page in order for that to happen, right? I don’t know if I am answering to her or to her friends.. Example: We go to the store together and I get strange looks from people like, stares or seems like
something is wrong, and she acts nervous and is in a hurry at the same time. I’ve questioned her about it and she just
acts as if she didn’t notice. We recently went to the football field so she could try something for where she works. When we first got there, a man was walking by and he greeted her as if he knew her and she said hi and walked by. He didn’t say anything to me but stopped to watch her as if he wanted to continue to talk. He just left after he saw that I stopped and was watching him. Was sort of an odd confrontation. I was going to say something but just let things go til we got home. She more or less told me that she really wasn’t sure who he was. It seems we can’t go anywhere and feel relaxed like we used to be. I really can’t treat her like I am used to treating her, knowing what I know now. I mean if she has changed, wouldn’t it only be natural that I would change. The only part of it is that I don’t know what is going on so how can I change until I know the situation?
Who is out there that I can trust? (I know the answer....God...Right?)
Well, what do you think? What could or should I have done? I know I’m not perfect, but I am trying my best. I am close
to losing my sanity..... You probably could tell by the way this is written... If you have read this and made any sense of it, could you please give me some relief as to what I can do? I don’t know whether to track this guy down and confront him or to let her handle it on her own. I don’t know if I have lost my trust in her forever or not...
Is it the drugs? Is it the influence from her newly formed so-called friends. (by the way, they were suppose to be
my friends also....)I am very worried about the suicidal thing, but she has never been like that before or since. I wish I had someone to talk to about it but, I don’t. I chose her over everything else including having any type of social life of my own. That was one of the things I gave up in the first two years of marriage...I used to drink at the bars and had friends there. I gave up drinking and also the friends. (that was 24 years ago)
Now, what does a man do? I am reading my Bible, but I am not a good reader. I read slow, and I have to read it over and over to get the message. So far I haven’t found the right passage... I just happened to stumble on this web page by some odd chance and I am hoping for the best. Thanks if you read this, and I am sure someone out there knows something about it. When I read this objectively from a distance, I would normally tell this woman to hit the road, but being that she is my wife, and that I love her very much I am lost as to what to do. It’s all new to me, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I am just a man.

Good that you posted over here, Pay.

Did you find anything helpful in my post to you?

Just curious.

LA

Hi,I am a very confused man at this point. You probably could tell. I'll have to read your response again but from what I gathered, you are well meaning. I do appreciate it very much since I have kept all of this in for way too long. I'll have to get back to you on it. As for this typing thing... I am new to it also.(typing that is) You have told me to get rid of the spaces. I have tried at least four times and still can't get rid of the spaces. Any suggestions on that? I have to tell you this, I wrote it with microsoft works program and then copied and then pasted. Could that be a problem? It has taken me this long to get it posted on the board you have suggested. I know, I'm slow. Well thank you for replying and I'm going to read your response again. Hope all is well with you and yours!

Hey, Pay...you did great with no extra lines in this post. Consider another achievement. You did fine.

You're doing really well on the typing, also. You're solid. Don't stress those two things anymore, 'k?

Yes, I am well-intentioned, but don't let that stop you from telling me where to get off. If all you were dealing with right now was technical difficulties, well, you wouldn't need to be here, would ya?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We'll wait for you. More importantly, how are you doing? BlondBlossom posted to you on the Resolving Conflict thread, too, concerned about you deleting your post.

See? We're here for you.

LA

Some of the possibilities you have raised, e.g., menopause, drugs, or what...could all figure in. It's very hard to sort it all out.

The one thing that hits me, however, is the addictive qualities of many of your wife's behaviors. Stole your pain meds (concealed and then lied about it), internet "affairs", misuse of xanax mixed with alcohol use (BAD combination!), excessive spending to the point that excessive debt has occurred.

You say that the changes in her started to happen about 2 years ago. This is the same time when you were injured and unable to return to work. Have the two of you ever talked about the impact of that change? To go from working full-time to not working for 2 years has to have shifted things at home.

Are your "children" aware of what is going on?

It seems that individual counseling might be helpful for you right now. A counselor can sometimes help sort out all the pieces and help you to understand things better. This could be really helpful since you have reading problems. Things might stick in your mind better if you can hear them from someone, instead of reading them. A counselor has to keep things private.

Also, anti-depressant medication might help you feel a little more stable for right now. A doctor or counselor could help you look at that possibility.

Keep coming here and letting us know how you are doing. You are facing some really painful things right now. We can't change them for you, but we can listen and care.

Thanks Heartmending for replying. As for your suggestions they do sound like good advice. But I am not the kind of guy that would do it. The last time I had trusted someone (besides my wife and children) was 1978, when I was still in the Marine Corps. At times now I wish I had never left. Times do change. Right now I couldn't afford a counselor anyway or anything else but necessities. You must have read wrong or I wrote something wrong about her lying about the Vicodin. I accused her of stealing them and she admitted it. She didn't lie about it but she wasn't happy about it. Like I said, I still think I can believe her because to my knowledge she has never lied to me. The problem I have found out is that she has been doing things in secret and just doesn't tell me about it. Its like I have to be a investigator to get anything out of her. Or the neighbor lady would call me on the phone with more things that I didn't know. Its almost like she enjoys telling me these rotten things about my wife and her husband. She is always asking me what I am going to do about it, and saying things like, "Your a man, and I don't know what a man would do to another man in this situation." Almost egging me on, dont you think? I'm hanging in there and have printed the Plan A I think it is. The love buster thing? I have been reading and he sounds very good. I have to give it a try. This place has helped me more than you'll ever know. I can't believe I'm actually talking with people once again. I'll try to keep you and LA informed as to what happens. Say a prayer for us! Thanks again! Oh, I forgot, the kids don't know a thing but are always asking me if I'm ok... I guess I'm not hiding it well.

Hi LA, Thanks for the encouragement! This place is a real gold mine! I never knew there was such a place. Its really good to talk again. I've been shut up for two years now and its like a new found freedom. Its not where I'd like to be but for where I was heading, This is the spot where I will be til things are clear again. Never knew life could be so cruel at times. I would rather be in the ring with Mike Tyson than in the ring I am in now. Its like being blindfolded and then hit with a 2x4 from behind. Well, I took your advice and printed out the love buster thing and alot more. I'll probably be doing alot of reading for now. I'm going to try to find that post you were talking about from a Blondblossom? I am having a little trouble still at navigating in this world. I'll try to keep you up on what is going on with us. Say a prayer for us. Thanks again for the support! I'm really needing it!

Pay,

could you please do me a favor?????? It might help you also to get "more" help.

Please shorten you story somewhat and leave some spaces inbetween!!! It's very difficult (at least for me) to read all of this.........and to stay on track.

This is just a suggestion from my side...........and many others might get scared away when they see the ammount of reading they will have to do, to understand your story.

I'm happy that you found this site and I'm more than sure that you will be getting alot of help.

hugs
bb

"Like I said, I still think I can believe her because to my knowledge she has never lied to me. The problem I have found out is that she has been doing things in secret and just doesn't tell me about it."

Well, Pay...we're glad to have you here. Very glad you opened yourself up to people again and God guided you to the very information that can change your life.

I quoted you above for the first lesson about lying. Heartmending has it correct. Your wife lies by omission. See, lies aren't just told, they are untold. Honesty means saying what you're doing when you're doing it. I point this out, not to put down your wife, but to highlight something you might also be doing and not considering it lying. Very helpful for the emotional need of Openness and Honesty, eh?

And tell neighbor lady about this website. Let her know you are actively and determinedly pursuing the best way to save your marriage. In my book, that is what a REAL man does.

Ask what she's doing for hers? Tell her you could use some pointers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you are reading about how relationships really work. And I do mean work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't let money stop you from counseling. Search out free resources, including churches and 12-step programs. Honestly, they are lifesavers. Look into Medicaid for counseling possibilities, if that is part of your disability package.

One thing I'd like to hear from you on is how your perspective might change...you say, "I've been shut up for two years"...to get to your truth, I need to ask...what are the choices that you have made and what was done to you?

Important to seperate those.

LA