First, my previous thread...I AM NOT in recovery.

old thead

I have scoured these pages on topics of exposure and found some useful information (as well as a wealth of other ideas).

After a verbal request to my W for NC went ignored, I had her write a NC letter using the MB guidelines.

I discovered this has not worked either.

Thus, I am ready and willing to contact OMW to end this ugliness.

What is bothering me is that once this is accomplished how the heck do I present it to my WW? Or do I do the carrot/stick and let things fall as they may?

I am going to try to get the OMW to protect the source of her discovery - me. But am I just a fool for thinking this?

Please help

It will be important for your W to know it was YOU who exposed. The point of exposure is to EXPOSE, not to foster more secrets. She needs to understand that you will fight for your marriage and will not keep her dirty secret for her. So, call the OMW and don't ask her to keep this anonymous. Give her your name, phone # and offer to be her ally. Offer to compare notes in order to kill this affair.

After you expose, your W will probably find out from the OM. If she doesn't, then you will want to tell her you have done this.

You calmly and sincerely tell your WW that you are going to fight for your marriage and exposing it was one step in the battle to get your marriage back. You do NOT expose for revenge. You expose because you love your wife and you want her back.

Who else are you exposing to? Does your family know? Does hers? They need to know.

The following is a quote from Dr. Willard Harley to another poster on this board.


Don't just expose to OMW. Expose to everyone who can put pressure on the on-going affair.

She will, by the way, be absolutely furious with you for revealing her sordid little secrets. She may threaten divorce. She may threaten to take the kids and leave. She'll say she was going to work on the marriage but now...now you've stepped over the line. Expect the rage and let it roll off you like water. It's all babble and every WS says something along those lines. You do NOT, by the way, allow her to take the children out of their home. They are not pawns she can use at her whim. She can leave if she wants, but she can't take them with her.

You have your plan ready to get your marriage back on track? Do you understand the in's and out's of Plan A and are you ready to implement it? How long will you work on Plan A?

The conventional wisdom is that this be one of the very first exposure paths.

Under no circumstances alert your wife to this before you do it.

Just do it.

I suggest you not tell your wife that you did. The length of time between your exposure and her reaction is useful data.

You have to be prepared show solid evidence to OM's W.

Thanks WAT...that is sound advice. I do have solid evidence- phone records, emails, ims- and hopefully th OMW will accept it.

Longhorn - I am ready to expose to the ILs and the world and I think I have a Plan A that will work. (My SAA book is also on the way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> )

Now the question is when. Right now I am thinking Monday when the OM is at work and the OMW may be home.

Reggie, you understand this can't be done anonymously right? Your W needs to find out you did this - AFTERWARDS - so she knows you are in contact with the OMW. She will be much less inclined to contact him if she knows she is being watched from 2 ends and that you are comparing notes. She also needs to know she has been exposed to her family, that is the point of exposure. Exposure will do you no good if she doesn't know she has been exposed.

But, like WAT said, don't tell her beforehand and only tell her if it appears the OM did not tell her himself. He probably will tell her though.

Reggie,

Between Melody(The Grand Poobah of Exposure, meant in the most respectful of ways), Dalton Dad, Owl, WAT and others and seeing the recent timeline of your situation,you are being given the BEST ADVICE possible.

Do not nibble at this cancer! Once you do your homework about OMW ...EXPOSE. And hopefully you will be astonished at the repercussions aimed directly at YOU. That means your first step has been executed properly.

This may sound harsh but the more tears, anger, wrath and pure hatred flowing from your WW towards you, the GREATER chance you have of saving your marriage.

Best of luck, my prayers go with you.

This is a real wildcard. Very hard to predict.

She'll do anything from going into total denial - despite your evidence - to being one step ahead of you, knowing something is up. She may even know about you and has been hesitant to expose to YOU because of fear.

Be ready for anything.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

"Work" how?

What do you expect Plan A to do?

This IS a trick question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT