Last Friday FWW had deciced to call it quits and asked me to file non-contested divorce. I file it on Tuesday....we did speak once all week...but this morning she called and wished me a happy birthday and sang it to me really cute. Again it ripped thru me that this isn't what I want and I still love her. I spoke with the MC she had seen him late the week before and he was surprised of her descision. Even after all these times how will my heart quit hurting? She said she had really missed me and that she wanted to call about 5 times but pulled it together and still wants the split....heck next week is 2 yrs. of this. I'm very spent.

Welder, protect yourself and your heart. Your LB is very empty. FWW wants friendship, you want a wife. Did you do a Plan B? Less contact would probably help.

I feel for you. (((((((W)))))))))))))

Hi Welder boy,
I know the pain you are experiencing.

Life will get better.

I second Grape girl's question of whether you did a plan b?

Welder,
Question for you, if she has decided to call it quits why are you filing?
Why is she not filing and you contesting?
DO you still love her?
Did you do a plan B?
Can you walk away knowing you did all you could?
Are you sure this is not "foggy" talk all over again?

I never had a real plan B. Anytime she was away....she would be away, I was there for her.I know I've done all I can....I think she is'nt able to love as big as me, as for filing, I feel as if she pushed me to do it.

WB,

I think you should cut off all contact with her, for your own sake until it doesn't hurt any longer to talk to her.

There comes a time when we have to think of our own survival, and where we choose happiness over pain.

It's time to say no to the pain Welderboy, you have had enough for one lifetime.

Well then what are you waiting for?
You have many choices left still. You can chose to say, yes I have done everything in my power to save this M and it did not work, then file.
But you have to look deep down inside of you and know in your heart that to be true.
Have you truely set boundaries and limits and stuck to them?
Your statement of Plan B tells me a little bit. She has made all the terms. You will continue to be a doormat, I may be way off the marker here, but needed saying.
You can change YOU, you cannot change HER
In changing YOU, she may take notice
She may not be able to love as big as you, but how do you know? She will make her own bed, dont help her do it, fight it with all you have.
Are you in withdrawl?

How about a real plan B, let her know you do not agree with the divorce and will not file. Let her know you love her. Then start with Plan A or B or plan whatever....
She can still choose to file or not
But she CANNOT push you into anything. That is your choice. She took away your choices when she had the A. Dont let her take all of your choices away now.
IMHO

I don't take your comments as bad Justempty, you are quite right. Also your quote from Thos. Fuller may also fit my case....maybe I'm just afraid to run away?

No you are just afraid it is going to hurt worse, or that she'll want to work things out and it will be too late.

But the truth is it hurts because you won't "run away", and she won't come back for the same reason.

It is a paradox to be sure, but it doesn't hurt anymore after a few weeks...unlike this where the pain is unending.

Yes...I'd like it to work,and yes I'm scared to death of both possibilities. I'm going over to town, I live in the country...and going to try to shop a little. I'll check in Llater. Thanks.

Cancel the D. Say you rethought it and don't give reasons. She is always able to file if she wants. Let her do the dirty work. If she gets mad, know you were being used and feel better for NOT allowing her to make u file B4 u r ready.

WHAT?!?!?!? Yes, u file when u r ready NOT when the WS tells u 2.

Better yet, cancel it and don't tell her. When she asks what happened, say 'didn't u file, was I suppose to file, oh u were.... how come ir's taking soo long'???? Yea, that'll send their WS head spinning. Then run!

L.

Hi, welderboy.

I agree with Orchid.

Let her file and do the dirty work.

"Wife, I have no intention of filling for divorce. I also have no intention of being your friend outside of our marriage."

She is simply getting "feel good" drama fixes from you and you blindly oblige. Stop doing that.

Set a boundary that you will no longer be manipulated by her and then stick to it.

Stop letting her drama interfere with you finding a life for yourself. If she wants to catch up later, then she can do that work too. Stop trying to rescue her, WB.

God bless,
Gimble

Thanks, I spent the evening at a little club a friend of mine has....they surprised me with a birthday cake and really made me feel good. Times like this....I sometime see that friends love me more than her? She has had a bunch of time to work on things....maybe the end is best? I also read the daily word....a inspirational booklet, the Feb. 4 reading was about forgiveness, I think maybe I need to forgive more than just the A.....and then let go.

If you want to end it with divorce, you can still do it with her filing. There is no reason why you have to do it. You have been trying to salvage the marriage. That takes a lot of energy and sometimes you get tired. I go back to my previous post on another thread of yours. Something just does not add up here. Let her file if that is what she wants. Even if that is what you want, you may be able to get better terms. There could be several reasons for her wanting you to be the one who files - but none of them are for your benefit IMO.

If it ends....either way, it really doesn't matter other than your both divorced and apart. Other words it don't matter who files?

Not who files but the disposition of the one who does.

In other words, a BS may eventually file, but when THE BS is ready for it. NOT when the WS wants to force them to.

My WS tried to get me to do his dirty work for him. I visited a recommended lawyer, went to family court, ordered the book (it was on backorder and I never picked it up), did my research and then told the WS to go do it himself.

See it is more of a mental game the WS is playing with you. Once you go through with the D, she can always says that U filed. So if your heart isn't in it, that could make you feel guilty.

However, if you file when YOU are ready to file and she throws the 'well you divorced me' crap..... you can confidently say: 'Yes I did and with no regrets'.

That totally difuses the WS.

JMHO,
L.

ARRRGHH....now I see. Thanks O.

Hey,

Howzit?

L.

Orchid, check out my latest post....I need any advice possible to keep this from following the past pattern. There are times she has changed her mind on this multiple times in the same day. The last thing the MC told me when I informed him she had again wanted to quit was that was'nt the "impression" he got when they last spoke. She claimed to be afraid of this.