2long ~

I am truely not posting flippantly or to piss you off. I can see that my point of view is not welcome, so after I respond here, I'll sign off, and let you be. And again, since you can't read body language, or tone of voice, let me just assure you, its not meant with anger, or sarcasm or any attempt to hurt you.


It looks to me, from where I stand, that you want to be right.

I know that you don't see it that way.

That question has never been intended to be used to keep someone from drawing boundaries for themselves. I'm more than a little concerned that you have interpreted it that way.

And no, I don't think you have a boundary about RM, at least not one that respects YOU.

We teach other people how to treat us. What have you taught your wife about what you will and won't tolerate?

You say that you won't tolerate RM but...your actions are otherwise...

I don't care what you call it, or how you twist it around and call it anything else, the bottom line is, your wife is still in an affair (emotional attachment by choice!), refuses to plug into you and the marriage, and despite your protests to the contrary, you do not have a boundary in place the respects and honors YOU, or your marriage.


I can tell you that acceptance is NOT:

....allowing/accepting unacceptable behavior towards myself.

I can accept someone as they are (acknowledge the reality of that individual), love that person, care deeply about that person and STILL set boundaries that protect myself.

Acceptance IS operating within reality, as it is, not as I wish it was, or want it to be, or what I hope it might bcome, but as it IS.


2long ~ I'm more than a bit puzzled. Your reaction is as if you think I just sat here playing word games with you and playing with truth to make a point. Believe me, I have more respect for you than that. If I didn't care about you, truly care about you, I wouldn't bother to post. I have many other things to do in my life besides play mind games with strangers on the internet.

What is half true? What is exaggerated by what I said?

I'll repeat what I said to you over 2 years ago:

[color:"brown"]THIS is the woman you are married to.

The question that you have to answer is: Can you spend the rest of your life with THIS woman?

This isn't something you have to answer right now.

THIS is who she is. You've been aware of this for awhile, but I don't think you've really reached acceptance on it. And until you do, any decision you make is simply going to be a forced solution - which doesn't work any better in recovery than in the face of active infidelity.

Something that helped me tremendously was written on my bedroom mirror along with my famous "Pain is a given, misery is an option" slogan.

At the top of my mirror were the words: "THIS, or something better."

The unstated caveat is: "But you have to let go of THIS first".

Letting go doesn't mean divorcing (you've been here long enough to know that already) but it does mean accepting that THIS is who she is and learning to make decisions that are good for 2long based on THIS instead of what you wished/imagined/hoped was true.[/color]


Ok. You can choose this. But if this is your choice, you should get very clear on what your expectations on the outcome will be.

Your expectation that she will come around to your way of thinking (the root of your selfish demand, and disrespect of HER) is not based in reality or acceptance.

Unrealistic expectations are what causes resentment. And you are angry. Heck the title of your post is angry. Your initial post is angry.

Years of nonviolent protests have not stopped your wife from repeatedly lobbing soul-destroying missles in your direction has it?

Nonviolent protests will not stop the other party from taking violent action, regardless of your expectation that eventually she will lay down her weapons, recognize your point of view for the loving and intelligent thing that it is, and choose to love you instead.

But anyway for now, I thought I'd leave you with some food for thought. Here's a thread from many years ago, with a message that I think applies to you. Maybe it doesnt. But replace alcohol with LTA and think about it.

Bramblerose to LetsTry on Acceptance

Anyway, 2, take what you like and leave the rest. If what I am saying doesn't help you, then ignore me. I'm not offended or hurt by it. I have nothing but the utmost desire to see you loved and respected by your wife.

2 ~ you don't have to respond to me, I'm not going to say anything else in the future. You've been clear that you are choosing your own path. I sincerely hope you find the outcome you desire.

BR:

No worries. I went away and cooled off a bit. At some level, ALL "methods" are manipulative, or stated less strongly: intended 2 produce desired outcomes.

I can and will only post certain details. Since this is MB, I try 2 post things that are relevant 2 MB, and where people here have some experience.

LTAs and substance addictions are slightly different animals from your typical "vanilla" affair, though. And dealing with them is somwehat different, as well.

I have enough respect and love for my W of 30 years that I'm just not going 2 give out all the details that, frankly, might go a long ways 2ward giving people a better pic2re of what we're dealing with. For that, I do and will continue 2 leave a lot 2 the readers' imaginations. That's good in ways. Bad in ways. In the end, I have 2 weigh which ways (;oD) are helpful or hurtful 2 my recovery. From your older post:

"I'll repeat what I said to you over 2 years ago:

THIS is the woman you are married to."

Indeed. 30 years now. And she HAS progressed considerably since I first got here, and definitely since she was last actively having a PA with RM (4.5 years ago now). Remember, 2, that since her A spanned 12 years, it's going 2 take her longer 2 pull her head out, if she ever fully does.

"The question that you have to answer is: Can you spend the rest of your life with THIS woman?"

And knowing what I now know about myself, and gauging where we are in recovery, I'd have 2 say "Yes", I can spend the rest of my life with her. But I haven't decided that's what I'm going 2 do at this point. Almost. But not quite.

"This isn't something you have to answer right now. "

Oops! ;o)

"THIS is who she is. You've been aware of this for awhile, but I don't think you've really reached acceptance on it. And until you do, any decision you make is simply going to be a forced solution - which doesn't work any better in recovery than in the face of active infidelity."

I can't quite put my finger on what I disagree with in this statement. I believe I accepted that this is who she is RIGHT NOW back in May last year, confirmed by events and epiphanies she had last September in particular. So... who I'm dealing with is a woman who happens 2 be the mother of my adult kids, who's only just started withdrawal maybe last fall, maybe not until now, and is fighting it like a FWS in withdrawal typically does, with statements like "I'll always care about RM, always want 2 know how he's doing". Recognizing that she's also making lifetime commitment plans with me at the same time. And recognizing, again, that since her A was so long, it's going 2 take her a long time 2 recover (again also, if she does).

But I thought you knew me better. I HATE forced solutions. I hate forcing people 2 see the consequences of their behavior, even. In the end, at some level, just as divorcing is forcing a solution by changing my life (and thus hers in the process), so is doing "nothing" by staying in this si2ation. I'm staying for the time being, but I have no intention 2 leave the unpleasant things about MY life in place. My W recently said again that she believes our biggest problem is communication. It's not, but that's what she feels right now, so I'm working with that. It's conflict avoidance. I think I'm pretty ready 2 deal with that, but she isn't quite. So, within the framework of all the other stuff, I'm trying 2 help her become aware of it herself, without driving the outcome (being controlling, or being perceived as being controlling - which from the eyes of the beholder, are indistinguishable).

Hope this explains things a bit without airing more personal stuff, which I wouldn't expect anyone 2 do.

-ol' 2long