I read someone's post about entitlement & some other things. Why is that WS's cheat?

because they choose to.

NO, that's not what I was asking for. Someone posted something about feeling of entitlement with a couple of other points. I was looking for a specific answer.

That is something that I really needed and answer to way back when. I just couldn't completely swallow the EN only theory. I wasn't a very nice wife but,,,,why did he really do it? 3 times. It had to be more than EN's in my book.

ENTITLEMENT has been on my mind a lot lately. I am seeing this continue with us and it is worrisome to me.

My H is a recovering alcoholic but now in a new addiction. I didn't know what charater defects were...so I googled them.

Here is a list.

INTOLERANCE
MINIMIZING
PHONINESS
SELF-CENTEREDNESS
ANGER
RESENTMENT
COVETOUSNESS
DENIAL
FALSE PRIDE
PROCRASTINATION
SELF-PITY
IMPATIENCE

Wow, as I type these out and think of what I TRIED to post earlier (and lost in cyberspace with the mere click of the wrong button) I am amazed. These are all things I am seeing in H that he claims to have dealt with.

I agree with Bramblerose, they choose to. Why? Well I guess that depends on each person but entitlement is prevalent.

I know this isn't what you were looking for specifically, and I don't know where to find that. These are just my deductions over the last few months of trying to sort my own feelings out.

One word....

ESCAPE

from conflict
from sadness
from anger
from responsibility
from reality

This quote was posted on another thread...is this what you were looking for?

HTH!
me

Three elements, when they exist in concert, will most assuredly result in an affair:

• Emotional needs are not met in the current relationship. The WS may not know how to resolve these issues or attempts to resolve them are rebuffed by the BS
• Continued and extended emotional deprivation may result in a warping of the WS value system, just as hunger may lead one to rationalize that stealing is right. This is not to say the BS is to blame for this at all, but the WS or COUPLE doesn't have the resources to address the issues. As a caveat, other emotional issues besides emotional deprivation may result in a change in value systems (e.g. child or parent dying)
• Opportunity - the emotionally unstable WS no longer chooses to protect the marriage relationship. Another party who is willing to engage in relationship is available.

Low

There are millions of excuses.

There is only one reason. Thats because they can and choose to do so.

I know its not a helpful answer, if you are trying to understand why, but its the answer.

mother_earth,

YES, THAT'S IT!! Thanks.

Agreeing alot along the line of LowOrbit's post -

I have read somewhere that for a serious affair to happen

Think of the Perfect Storm.

Every possible element that can happen at one given time, happens.... and whammo !!!

That one seems to make sense to me.

Carnation

ESCAPE

and everything loworbit said.

I was going to say it is because they have some need that is not met by their family of origin - some open, wounded spot that can not be filled and they are searching for the balm to sooth it. Which, we all know, they will never find until they work on themselves - see their brokenness and strive to heal it.

I think all of you are correct.

Mine was all of it...and underscores what Cinderella said.

LA

Well, what LowOrbit says makes sense, but the only problem I have with it is that I asked my FWH if he would have cheated if he was in another marriage or situation. He said "It wouldn't have mattered the person or situation, I would have cheated either way". At the time I asked, it was a loaded question but I thought for sure he would say "I don't know, it would depend on the situation" (but fortunately, he recognizes his problem now). After all our discussion on the topic, we have found that he has character flaws that set him up for failure.

This indicates that EN's or the spouse may have nothing to do with the WS's problem. It doesn't mean that EN's aren't important, they are, but it means that sometimes the WS is on a track to failure either way. Maybe EN's being met or going unmet either speed up or slow down the road to failure, but ultimately, my FWH was going to fail. His way of handling problems or issues was to run away.

Basically, failure is a process, not an event. Change the process & you change the outcome (as our pastor says).

This is correct.

My POV and perspective as a FWS on why WS’s stray and/or can become vulnerable to A's:

1) Unmet EN’s and/or problems in a M
2) Pure selfishness and/or a character flaws and/or lack of morals.
3) For reasons/ circumstances other than problems/issues within the M e.g. personal problems/issues and baggage a person bring into the marriage and/or personal weaknesses & vulnerabilities and/or failure of WS to protect themselves against their own weaknesses/vulnerabilities.
4) Combination of the above.

The following thread on this topic is very good and will give more insight:

How the wayward get wayward, and why they sound so dumb...

I like this analogy. It was true for me.

Suzet*,

I agree with this & I know MB is built on the idea of EN's being the key. HOWEVER, any M is going to have problems (even small ones), but if the WS has #2 on your list coming into the M with any of #3 & is a MAJOR conflict avoider, I don't believe meeting EN's will keep the WS from cheating - if you could even know what they are thinking when they don't communicate it.

The FACT that my FWH told me he would have cheated NO MATTER what M he had or what the situation was is proof of that. He was going to find fault with me no matter what because he wanted to justify his selfishness & lust. His problem probably does stem from living with completely & utterly immoral parents who had A's & multiple marriages like it was ordering pizza. I should have known it would be near impossible to have him change a whole life's philosophy because he stood in front of our familys & said he'd be faithful (without a belief in God).

He was just so good at fooling me into believing he wanted a loving, faithful marriage or I just wanted to believe it so bad. I told my family and a couple of friends that we are having problems & that he had wanted to leave me (but didn't mention the A's due to the fact he will no longer be accepted). My family & friends were all completely shocked saying "I just cannot picture that from him". And they don't the whole truth so he hid those character flaws VERY well.

Low, my main man...

Nicely put.