I'm having a strange week. All the bs of being a BS is getting to me. I'm tired and down. DD has been sick for 4 days with something viral and I've been quite worried. Job stressful. House a mess.

During this time, I've had a couple of days to process my IC session. It occurs to me that nowhere during my IC session did I make an "I still love my husband" declaration. I've felt the love for a long time. Why didn't I say it?

I think about the past, what have I loved about my husband? He's always been a good provider. I've always appreciated it and thought I told him so. I'm proud of his position and what he's done in his work. We've always had similar political opinions. Even now, there are things we can agree about with just a look. However, he's always been a minimally involved dad, a scrape-by husband and a peripheral person. The shadowman. A man who didn't try too hard to keep romance alive. No matter what, I could usually count on him to get come through when he was needed. He might not volunteer but he'd be there if asked. There's points for that. Consistently in the background but consistent, none the less.

I think that part of me loves WH for the person he could become. We've talked on this board about people changing; that change is possible. Am I confusing love with loving the person that WH could be if he wanted to? He could become more involved with his children. He could decide to be an active husband. We could plan romantic adventures and intimte evenings. Does he have it in him? Are we talking round peg, square hole? Is this stylized, utopian husband possible? Can our views on marriage mesh especially if WH refuses counseling?

My big questions are: What is it about me that makes him NOT want to be my husband? Why does he NOT want to be involved with his kids? Am I not enough of a lighthouse or is he just headed towards another shore? What does he want from life? Should I have read the writing on the wall long ago? There may never be answers.

Am I mutating the history of our marriage as much as a WS does? What are reasonable expectations? At what point, do I finally decide that my vision of marriage is not his? Has our marriage been a sham? Have I just taken what was given and not asked for my fair share?

It's taken me most of the day to articulate this as poorly as I have. I'm wrestling with these questions. I don't expect much in replies. As somebody on here once said, "once people decide you're not worth their time, they won't answer ever again." Replies might be scarce but I bet I'm not the only one with these questions. In retrospect, there sure are a lot of questions in this post.

Oh GG, r u baiting us with guilt? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Read your post, have to give it some thought. Will reply later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Grapegirl,

I understand where you are coming from. My WH was a half a$$ed H at best. I learned to live with half a$$ed and I am insulted that he wants someone else. Who else but me will tolerate him!

When D-Day hit, I went into panic mode and all I knew was to try to save the marriage. Enough time has passed now where I can a little more objectively look at what I was trying to save (not as objectively as people in my world would like me to, though)

I had to ask myself alot, was I afraid of losing my H, or just afraid of being "the loser".

I thought alot of my H's potential too. I am sad that he will not/can not meet up to my hopes for him. He even told me that I hold him up to a higher standard than he can meet (all I was asking for was ending the affair though).

But now I know, losing my H or not, I am not the loser. But it has been alot of letting go of the dream of who I thought I was married to.

I hope your kiddo gets better soon!

GG--I am right there with you. I have wondered, but don't think I've asked --are the marriages that recover happily the same marriages where the WS was really a decent spouse before? In retrospect, I, too, have especially decided (and you worded it so well) that I have just taken what was given. And I was seemingly content with that. Because figured one day he'd come around and be the man, husband and father I knew he should be. But he didn't.

And yet he still moved out, blamed me, and is having an affair.

I read somewhere on this board that if your WS was a great spouse before, and the infidelity was out of character--then definitlely the marriage is worth saving.
Hmmm...then where does this leave those of us wo gave it all to our marriage...who put up with so much selfishness, etc--or like my WH, had a seperate EA?

I probably only added to your questions, but I wanted you to know I get ya'. I even have asked myself is it really love that I still feel for WH--or is it the love of what I thought he was or could be--and I think that is similar to what you are asking.

Wow, that was very compelling. I am in a similar situation but different, b/c although I am the BS, my WH feels those things about me. He truly did give his all during our marriage. I could NOT have asked for a better husband, father, friend. He went above and beyond the call of duty. He would and did ANYTHING to make his wife happy. He actually took care of our kids when they were newborns, during the nighttime hours, just so I could get some sleep. That is just one little example of how awesome he is - and now he is saying that after 7 1/2 years of this, he feels he gave it his all and that he is giving up because he feels that what he does is NEVER going to be good enough for me. He was right about that, up until now - now I am going to counseling but I fear it's too late. He had always hoped that if he kept doing everything right, that I would change, that I would lose my insecurities, that I would start to be happy with what we had and be happy most of the time instead of acting miserable. I honestly can admit that it didn't seem I was very happy. And I don't even know if I was happy. I think I was, but I can't tell you for sure if I was! All I know now is that I don't want to lose him and I feel so horrible for not appreciating him and taking things for granted - I didn't know. I am an only child and am now just discovering alot about myself through counseling. Being an only child has alot to do with our belief systems. We feel as if we are entitled to everything, we expect everything and we don't know how to return the favors in an emotional need sense. We always want things 'our' way and feel that is how it should be. I am learning ALOT now and am making the changes. I just hope it isn't too late. No matter what I will be a better person from all of this, but I'd rather be a better person WITH my husband.

I am not sure if what I am saying makes sense but I am giving the perspective from my view. I didn't know that he was hoping for me to change, I didn't know that he was always thinking that if he gave me everything that maybe someday I would be the person that he hoped I could be. I am now in counseling to overcome some of the issues that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage - but where does that leave me now? I feel that I am losing the best thing to ever happen to me, although he didn't feel as though I showed it, I feel I am losing my whole future - the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life and definitely an affair is just NOT in his nature, way out of character for him. You have no idea how shocked I am at all of this.

Forgive me if I made absolutely no sense at all. Maybe if you took one tiny little thing from this, it will help you. I hope so. ((HUGS))

"Have I just taken what was given and not asked for my fair share?"

Join the crowd, grapegirl. I'm 3 years into this, and after the total devastation of D-day and the months following, I started wondering what I missed about my WH. He was marginal at best.

When I started wondering if I was rewriting history, I gave it lots of thought. I went back and revisited the marriage, event by event, and year by year. There was not that much to miss about him.

Had he not cheated and left, I probably would have gone through my life not realizing what a one-sided marriage I had.

Shouldn't there be some "happy medium" between accepting crumbs and expecting the moon? My counselor asks me what would change if I broke the limbo that exists right now? I gave him an answer but wasn't happy with it. I'm still thinking it through.

I think that a big part of WHY I'd like CH (cheating husband) to do MC is to find out where he stands. I want him to say "I want to work on this marriage" or "I'm out of here." No answer is also an answer. I'm an optimist but also a realist.

Believer, I don't think I could do this for 3 years.

Grape:

Do you still believe that a CHEATING HUSBAND can ever give you an honest answer to this question?

Cheaters are deceitful. They are liars. They cannot think logically or give honest, reasonable answers to questions. They are making it all up from minute to minute.. They are living a lie...

GG:

Do you think it is possible that you are just NOT able to make the decision NOW to divorce is because you don't want to see that he HAS already given you his "answer" with whether he wants the marriage or not. That's how I see it. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

You have gotten alot stronger since you came here no doubt, but the day that YOU make the decision of what to do and NOT let his conflict avoidance and your conflict avoidance or your acceptance of "limbo" call the shots is the day you will finally have "gotten it". YOu don't need a charade marriage counseling appointment to give you the answers to questions your CH has more than provided for you these past years...and probably more importantly his whole marriage with you.....IN your own time.....I hope you get "there".

Lem

LM

I've been realizing lately that I did get to the point during my brief Plan B of accepting that I may have to go on without my H.

So, in a way, I agree with Lemon.

Grape, it seems that you are continuing to focus way too much on your WH. I came to the place of giving up on my H because he was lost to me..temporarily insane or whatever... The only thing I wanted him to do was to get rid of the OW-plain and simple. I simply decided that until he did that there was no use analyzing or thinking about HIM or his THOUGHTS or his FEELINGS...

I began to FOCUS only on MYSELF and what I wanted and needed...

LM and Mimi, you say much the same thing that the counselor said: perhaps no answer is an answer. He said that CH has had 15 months to make some kind of motion towards being a husband and a father. He feels it's very disrespectful of CH to leave us all hanging.

Why do I waffle? It means that the course becomes clearer and clearer: I will probably need to be the one to end this marriage. It's a thought I can't quite get my head around yet.

I deserve a loving husband who cares for and interacts with his children. A man who will honestly give his heart to this marriage. As my dance teacher says, maybe CH is doing the best he can. Maybe I have to accept that what I want and need can't come from CH.

Sad, very sad.