WH says he wants a divorce when he tells me of affair. It's been nearly two weeks, he moved to a hotel to start with, visited with the kids, then back to his job (out of town-back to the OW), and now he's coming home. He says after he listened to the HNHN book he realizes he must end the physical contact with her to try and make a decision about this. So I have him from a divorce to a fence sitter within 2 weeks. I'm just curious is this normal? I think my fear that he will bail without trying is covering some of my rage over the A. I'm holding more exposure and not keeping it a secret as my card in my favor. He does not want it out to family or work at all. So for now he is doing what I want. I will force the no contact thing as soon as I can but I think baby steps are the key here. So what are the chances he will really change his mind and WANT to stay in the marriage?

Oh, they almost always want a divorce at first. But you need to expose. That is the quickest way to end the affair.

Read my sig line. He filed for D right away and was never completely sure he wanted it - to this day.

Just remember the silent 3rd person in this equation putting the demands on them and counseling them on what to tell us and how to get what they want, etc.

To answer your original question. The day after d-day my WW was wanting to know what kind of 'kids' schedule i wanted, how much child support i could pay, discussing splitting assets.. the works.. At the time i was angry and worked it out with her. But, almost 8 weeks later she has done nothing (besides moving to a place of her own and saying she is going to do the paperwork). Already had a place lined up, was ready to go. I did not even have time for d-day to sink in before the D talk started.

Im new so can not help much. just thought i would share.

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forgivenessiskey

on d-d (5years ago) my husband finally confessed after I confronted him His first reaction was: OMG, what have I done???? How can I do this, I love you and I love OW.

A few days later, he told the children that we were getting divorced.

Then after another few days, he wanted me to move out.

After another few days, he wanted to move out and "clear his head".

Then after another few days, he wanted to "end it" personally with OW. I let him...........( I didn't know anything about MBers at that time)

He ended it "personally" with OW and went through "withdrawel" for a few weeks.

3 1/2 Months after D-d we went for a 2 1/2 week Caribic Holiday. It was the best holiday of our life that we ever shared.

No divorce talk and no more wanting to "move out" talk after that.

The first reaction was divorce.......yes.........because nothing else seemed to make sence for him at that time.

He and OW had made up a plan in their Fantasy World. xOW wanted to kick her husband out of the house and my husband was supposed to "move in" .........for them in their little world, it was as simple as that. (it turned out to be the other way around. OWH threw OW out of "his" house!)

As I said it was their "Fantasy World" and when reality hit..........my husband was "horrified"!!!!!

Due to the fact that my xWS wasn't thinking logical.........he didn't have a clue what to do. One day he said one thing and the next day he said something else..........

Our marriage is what I would call "recovered" now, 5 years later.............

So I'd say that this behaviour is typical for WS'S.

hugs
bb

saying "I want to end the marriage"

is nowhere close to

legally filing for a separation/divorce

ACTIONS speak ... words don't ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> to 2 Long ... I stole his line)

So what your'e saying is that even though I have his arm twisted behind his back by threatening to expose more if he won't end it himself, I should look at what he is doing instead of listening to him. There are extenuating circumstances here concerning more exposure-seriously, I will if I have to, but I won't if I don't. I already talked to SH about it and he agreed because it seems like he's going to end it even for a short period because his intellect is starting to kick in some. We have another session this week so hopefully I can get some more advice on the exposure thing.


He listened to the HNHN, participated with SH in one session, agreed to another one, and even though he left and went back to her for a week, said he realized that she needs to be out of his arms to make this decision. So he's home for almost the next 3 weeks which is really quite a task considering he works out of town. It makes me wonder exactly how much of that work really needed to be done there-you know? I am trying to convince him now that he needs to end ALL contact but I keep reminding myself about baby steps. It's just so hard and stressful. I'm not really depressed, I'm just anxious about messing up a good plan A.

I have printed out some things from MB for him-any suggestions of particularly good stuff for him to read at this point. He really is an intelligent man, his brains have just been scrambled around like jello. When I talked to him at first about this decision he made, he was nearly in tears, now he's just plain mad and doesn't want to talk to me. I've really been doing plan A for a while since I suspected an affair but couldn't quite prove it. So I guess it's just a continuance.

I think this



is always a mistake

either expose or don't

but never as a threat

Yes and No.

Depends on if it sticks.

What I mean is that there seems to be two predominant outcomes immediately upon discovery (based on anecdotal information from this forum):

1. the WS immediately folds
2. the WS goes into denial/justification mode for a lengthy period of time, including permanently

These are not the only outcomes, just the most "popular" ones based on my observation. Others may have different assessments of this.

Two weeks is pretty quick in mode 2.

Then there's what happens after either 1 or 2: indecision and potential relapse. Relapse is very popular.

This is why you are wise to keep some exposure options in your hip pocket. Use them immediately for cause.
Be careful of obviously holding this over his head. This is hard to do in Plan A - be loving while holding the nuke. DO NOT mention further exposure.

Don't "force" anything. Cultivate the field so that the NC blossoms as a result of your good farming. You can't make the seeds grow - you can only provide the fertility.

Time, patience, consistency.

My WH asked for a divorce in 9/05. I found out on 11/05 he was having an affair. The next day I followed the advice in Dobson’s book Love Must be Tough. I kicked him out and said I would grant his divorce. I let him come back home 12/05 after he fired his affair partner and signed a marital separation property agreement giving me the house and a bank account. He swore he would have no further contact with her. I thought that meant he would no longer see her and loved me. WRONG – he hired her back to deliver Christmas gifts and emailed her everyday telling her how special she was and how he was willing to give up his wife and 4 daughters for her because that’s what true love was! (I found the emails so the day after Christmas I had him leave for good.)
If the wayward husband is still having ANY sort of contact with the affair partner reconciliation isn’t possible – you will just be setting yourself up for more pain. Last week he sent her a goodbye letter telling her how much he had hurt his wife and family and that he wanted no further contact ever with her and gave it to me to mail.
We are still separated but this past weekend we attended the Marriage Builders workshop in San Francisco and we plan to follow the 24 week program. Last night was the first night I fell asleep without a sleeping pill or drinking. For the first time I have some hope. &#10794;

Chiming in...

" I will force the no contact thing as soon as I can "

I hear you are assuming your H is going to fence sit. Your H said that he had to end contact to make a decision. Mine did, also. He did get that he was in a fog and had to make a clear decision, of course, that was after saying we were divorcing.

I'm with Pep on not using exposure as a threat. That's not what it is for. Maybe you are considering exposing to his work? I exposed everywhere but there because that would have gotten him fired. I was willing and even withheld, but by then he had made the same statement your H did. "Need to get clear on what I'm doing and why. What I feel without the OW influence."

It worked. I didn't threaten to expose to his job, and it was tough for three months while he decided. Even then, he begrudgingly said, "I see our marriage as the only path to my ultimate happiness. But I won't be considering you for a really long time."

Okay. That hurt. But you know what a long time turned out to be? Another three months.

Eight months of anguish for being together 19 years? I'll take it.

Never a paper filed.

Your WH is doing more than some here, with the HNHN and Steve. Try not to force, threaten or manipulate the outcome. Him coming back to you, out of the fog, with real commitment is the best sign for recovery.

Best wishes...know you hurt. It will stop, just not right this minute.

LA

Jennifer4 - that's absolutely fantastic. Really congratulations.

You are absolutely correct, there is no recovery with contact.

Keep posting here and start your own thread. There is a wealth of wisdom and advice and friendship to help you get through the months ahead.

God bless you.

(((((forgivenessiskey)))))

Yes, it's very common. My wife already had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to serve.

They are in "fantasyland" and in the "fog." Rational thought is not possible until the light of day begins to penetrate and "burn off" the fog. Then they'll flip in and out of rational thought for a while, because their emotions are controlling their actions and trying to justify everything.

You are right to be nervous, but that is part of the process that all Betrayed Spouses go through who want to save their marriage DESPITE the "mental illness" of their Wayward Spouse.

Right now you are in what is often referred to as the "Destabilization Stage." You are NOT in Recovery yet. Exposure is KEY, and if you've done enough of that for now to get the process of "burning off the fog" started, then you are WISE to keep the circle of knowledge about the affair as small as possible. But make no mistake about it, if the circle needs to be expanded in order to reach him, then expand it. IF you are afraid to do so, for whatever "other reasons," consider this. If you don't, AND if you divorce, they are ALL going to know it anyway because Divorce is a "Public Record" and most "inquiring minds" will want to know "why."

What is happening in your husband's mind right now is that the fantasy life he created through rationalization and denial is being to wobble in the earthquake of reality. He is no longer able to fool himself and is being to realize the EXTENT to which his selfishness is going to HURT many others.

I don't know if faith in God plays a part in your husband's life or not, but if it does, then he also knows that what he has been doing is a Sin, a rather LARGE and serious one. But even if he is not, he KNOWS that Adultery is NOT acceptable, despite the "Hollywood glitz" that the media tries to put on it. THIS affair does NOT affect "someone else," it directly affects him, you, your children, parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, and coworkers. The far-reaching ramifications are HIS, and HE is responsible for them, no one else.

Yes, the affair IS destablizing. Unless you were are humongous "shrew," or unless your husband is totally "self-absorbed" and "selfish," the fog will lift and he will begin to see the likely LOSSES he will have brought upon himself if he doesn't end the affair.

Pointing these things out is NOT "manipulative,' it is stating the FACTS and consequences of HIS choices.

Hang in there. It's going to be a wild ride for a while.

God bless.