I have just lost my best friend. This wonderful person also happened to be my wife of 17 years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I will apologize upfront for being very longwinded but I have no one else to talk to and I have to get this off my chest somehow. We moved to a new town for my new job a little over a year ago. Two weeks into my new job, my wife almost died. I spent two days in and out of Intensive care unit devastated. Eventually she got out and was sick for well over six months. I cared for her, supported her and loved her more than anything. She acted strange as though I was going to leave her becasue of this. After 6 months, she was better and everything seemed fine.

Around last Christmas, I began to notice little things that were not right. We have always had a very touchy feely relationship. She got to where she would not hold my hand. I tried to talk to her and she would get defensive and push me away. A few weeks later, she started staying up really late on the internet.

My wife was talking on-line to a large group of lesbian women. I clearly did not understand and she would not talk about it. She only said that she needs "women" friends. She started worrying about her appearance alot. She bought a complete new wardrobe. New nails, new hair....Well, by the middle of January I knew something was really wrong. Intimacy on her part was mechanical when there was any. She would push away at my simplest form of physical contact.

Needless to say, I thought that she was having an affair. Given who she had been spending 3 hours a day talking to, I had my suspicions that she was having a lesbian affair.

Shocked...Devastated...Destroyed...I really do not know what describes this. I repeatedly tried to get her to talk to me. She eventually came to the point that she said "I am in a funk. I am having a hard time with this" but she would not say what "this" was.

Now I am an engineer and everyone knows that we are not relationship people. I deal in facts, steel and hard equipment. I needed data and had none. I started finding some of the websites that she visited (I could get glimpses before she changed pages or turned the laptop away from me)to see what was being said. After a heck of a lot of searching, I found her screen name and one specific post which made my previous shock seem like an aftershock compared to 7.0 Earthquake. She basically admitted to this board that our sex was "mercy sex" and said some very horrible things about our relationship.

At this point, I had to know more. A divorce is just around the corner, and as far as I was concerned, there was no longer any trust in our relationship. I am a computer geek by choice and I spent a lot of effort to find out everything typed on our computers. I located her passwords and such and proceeded to find out what was going on.

Friday night I tried one last time to talk to her before confronting her the hard way. This actually made things worse as I do a very poor job of controlling my temper.

Sometime ago, it seems, she says that I stopped caring. She did not know how to handle this. Even though I tried to find out what was wrong many times, she would not talk to me. Late last night I sent her a "pledge" on what I would do to bring joy and love to our relationship if she were willing. She simply said that I had stopped caring but that was it.

Well, Saturday morning (she still had not seen my pledge) she sent an email to her VBLF (very best lesbian friend) telling her that the "jig is up" and that I know that she does not love me any more (even though I did not know this at this time). These words are the "this" she was having trouble handling.

After reading this, I walked straight to her and told her that I wanted a divorce. I admitted everything that I had done to find out exactly what was going on. She has been lying to me but she was clearly NOT having an affair. She also had no one to talk to and went online with a group that was readily available and would talk with her (she is a big fan of Showtime's "The L Word.")

We have done a lot of talking. She accuses me of going behind her back (which is true). I told her that felt that our relationship's trust factor was already destroyed by her inaction even when I was trying to figure out what was going on.

Sorry again for being so longwinded but I can't stop crying and I can't stop typing or I think I will die.

All through Sat we talked. Really talked. She seemed very concerned that I would take some backlash against her online friends (most of these women are married closet lesbians). I told her that I do not care who these women are. I was only interested in her.

In short, she is not willing to give up. We have gone through the dark regions of Hades itself to find a problem in our relationship.

My pledge to her still stands. I have asked her to write down her comments (pledges) so that we can use this to build a new relationship. As I tried to go to sleep tonight, I reliazed that I have promised her something that I have no clue how to do. I have pledge to court this loving mother and wife as though we had just met.

I am not a romantic but I am sensitive about my heart. I am 40 years old. What do I know about courting a beautiful woman? I am lost at this point. I have a wife that does not love me. I have made a promise that I have no idea how to keep. I have an 11 year old son who has had to watch us almost destroy our marriage. I am horrified to think that I will fail my family.

Any suggestions will be taken with an open mind. She has accepted my offer of marriage counseling which is very positive. I am moving out of our bedroom now. That is way I started typing this a 4AM. I cannot sleep at all anymore. Thank you in advance for any suggestions that you may have.

Welcome to MB, a'64. Wish it could have been under better circumstances.

Sorry to read your story. It sounds like a nightmare scenario. A loving wife turns into a lesbian without any feeling for her H. I think that this is nightmare scenario. Ouch.

It seems strange that a person would be married for 17 years, and thus presumably be heterosexual for much longer then that, and would suddenly change into homosexual.

Query: at the beginning of your post you mentioned two things that happened: (1) you moved into a new town, and (2) she got seriously ill. Could have at least one of these been a trigger?

Unlikely in my mind, but what do I know? I have not heard of any medical ailment that would turn heterosexuals into homosexuals. Have you talked to a physician about this?

And did the move to a new town sever her relationships with her friends? Maybe she had to establish new friendships and stumbbled into this. Perhaps that's why she thinks that you'll blame her friends. And I assume that prior to the move she did not have any VBLFs prior to the move (are you sure?).

BTW, don't limit yourself by saying that you are a engineer. Been there, done that. You are a human being, and you know how to think just like everyone else.

Good luck. You are going through h*ll.

anon,

please go over to "General Questions II". There is alot more going on over there and you will get more help. Copy your post and paste it.

BTW on the weekends there is not al that much going on, so please have patience!

bb

Average Guy,

My snooping has led me to believe that she is not a lesbian. Every email sent to her is of a supportive type or a joke. She denies any lesbian activity even after everything is supposed to be out in the open. Based on what information that I have recorded (this is a computer spyware program that captures screenshots and keystrokes), I have to believe her on this one. The on-line banter sounds like a bunch of women just having a girl's night out.

She also said that there has been no on-line sex of any type. It sort of seems like she turn to them for someone to talk to when she felt like she could not talk to me.

She blames the changes on a time in Nov of last year when I began to take her for granted. I really do not know about this but I am confident that I have taken her for granted. Heck, after being together for 19 years, it is pretty easy for that to happen.

What really bothers me is that the communication stopped, even though I tried to work through it. I knew something was happening. I hate to say it, but I blame her too. If something is wrong in a relationship and your partner asks you what the problem is, what else could I have done. A 19 year old relationship that has been destroyed in 90-120 days???????????????????????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, that's a relief. It then just sounds that she was chatting with other people who happened to be lesbians. It is simply that she needs a sounding board similar to the one she had before your move.

Yes, women need to have a support of other women. She needs to vent, she needs empathy. Husbands have to provide that as well, but are not capable doing so to the level that other women do. I do not think that they are lesbians is something to worry about. As a matter of fact, you should be supportive of having such relationships.

What you should worry about is that you have fallen out of love. Your marriage is at stake. Luckily, though, as hard as this problem is, it is relatively common problem. There are plenty of ways to regain that. The fact that she is willing to work on it, is inspiring.

Good luck, the two of you have a long road ahead.

Thanks for the reply folks.

*Blondblossom*, I was very hesitant to cross post this as I still wonder if an EA has really occurred. Needless to say, a lot folks agreed with you. It has viewed well over 200 times and a good running dialog is still moving forward. It is under the Infidelity section, in General II.

Thanks again,
C.