I have seen in the past a list of guidlines for preventing workplace affairs - does anyone have the list please?

Thanks.

I don't know the list but I know what I do and don't do. I work around mostly males. I have to travel a lot and usually not alone. I never take the same flight if its just one other person and that person is a married male. If we have to take the same flight then I don't sit next to them. My number one rule is that I never eat a meal alone with a male co-worker. My number two rule is that I never tell them my hotel room number and never let them walk me to my door. My number three rule is that when they ask me a personal question I don't answer. My number four rule is that I make a point to meet their wives at company functions and make it known to them men that my loyalty lies with my own sex and if you hit on me I will tell.

Not every woman is willing to make that commitment but I have seen way too many bad work place situations. I ran a trial and caught one of my paralegals having an affair with a married attorney, they both tried to get me in trouble for putting my foot down. Too bad the situation was already the talk of the office. When we returned both of them were put on report and I was asked to file a formal report on them. Now both of them kiss my [censored], I would rather they just got on with their work and acted like professionals instead. I am known as a ball buster when it comes to that type of stuff and I hope that it has prevented more of these situations developing in my office.

Here are some I remember:
1. Do not have personal discussions with co-workers
2. No confiding in them, especially opposite sex co-workers
3. No one-on-one male-female lunch. ALwyas go in a group.
4. No happy hours if you are married.
5. Do not ever, ever, talk about your problems in marriage with an opposite sex co-worker.
6. No sex talk, even joking (Sorry it sounds so antedeluvian, but it lowers the barriers)
7. No after hours phone calls to pass the time
8. Holiday grab bag gifts should be moderately or low priced, and not suggestive in any way. They should be something you would not be ashamed to show your clergyperson.
9. Do not close the door to your office to have private conversation with opposite sex workers.
10. If a company function does not welcome spouses, be very wary. Do not drive with opposite sex co-worker, just the 2 of you in the car.

hows that for starters?

I think there was also a "don't drink alcohol in mixed" company one - I seem to remember a list somewhere.

Good one. Never ever drink at work place events. My office has a 5:00 happy hour every Friday. I never have anything stronger then diet soda. My coworkers asked me why, I said because drinking hurts my stomach. They don't need to know why, just that I refrain. Many of them have cut back and/or stopped drinking alcohol after seeing someone turfed for getting drunk and making a fool of herself. Just remember that you work to live not live to work. If you feel that your job is getting mixed in with your private life then start looking for a more professional place to work.

Check out this thread (lists of guidelines included):

Emotional infidelity in the workplace

I have not seen such a list, but let's think about this for a minute.

Are "preventing" workplace affairs any different than preventing affairs occuring any where else?

I'll say, not really. General affair proofing of a marriage ought to do the trick no less for workplace affairs than internet affairs, gym affairs, neighborhood affairs, or leaning over the meat counter in the grocery store affairs.

What makes workplace affairs different perhaps is the higher concentration of interaction, more opportunity for developing friendships, plus sharing of both stresses and accomplishments that can foster emotional intimacy.

Balancing this somewhat, I believe, once a workplace affair starts, are the additional opportunities for fighting it: expanded exposure opportunities (including exploitation of company rules) and a real live legal weapon > sexual harassment if there's supervisor/subordinate involvement.

JMHO

Okay, I'd go along with most of these, but...


If there is a confidential business issue that needs to be discussed between opposite sex co-workers (like a performance review or a confidential corporate matter) how is this supposed to be accomplished? My boss is male, I'm female, we've managed to do this just fine without any wink-wink-nudge-nudges.


I vanpool to work and on occasion, I might have an unexpected off-site meeting (and need a ride to/from meeting) or, again unexpectedly, have to stay late (need a ride to commuter lot after vanpool leaves me behind). On those occasions, I might catch a ride with a male co-worker or my boss, who actually drives by my lot on the way home. Must I miss the meeting or be stuck overnight at work?

On none of these occasions have any of us had any urge to get it on. Quite honestly, I have always avoided dating co-workers, even in my single days. Just seemed like a bad idea. In fact, I can't think of a single male in my building of 300+ that I find even remotely attractive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think sometimes these affair-proofing measures can be a bit extreme and unrealistic. But that's just my sitch, your milage may vary.

***If there is a confidential business issue that needs to be discussed between opposite sex co-workers (like a performance review or a confidential corporate matter) how is this supposed to be accomplished? My boss is male, I'm female, we've managed to do this just fine without any wink-wink-nudge-nudges.***

My WH used to have one of those large offices with both a door and a window to the hallway. He and his favorite bimbo, his direct report, used to shut the door and close the blinds and just stay in there together for 2-3 hours at a time. This after disappearing for long private off-site lunches. I think this is what they are talking about.


See above.

***I vanpool to work and on occasion, I might have an unexpected off-site meeting (and need a ride to/from meeting)***

I'll ask you the same question I've asked my WH: Why does your company even bother to build offices and meeting rooms, when all the "important" meetings are held off-site at bars, restaurants and hotels?

***or, again unexpectedly, have to stay late (need a ride to commuter lot after vanpool leaves me behind). On those occasions, I might catch a ride with a male co-worker or my boss, who actually drives by my lot on the way home. Must I miss the meeting or be stuck overnight at work?***

No, you must make other arrangements to have a family member or non-co-worker friend give you a ride. Or call a cab. Or whatever. Nobody here is going to believe that your ONLY option is to catch a ride with a male co-worker and gee you just don't have any other choice. You DO have a choice. It is not the responsibility of these men to drive you around town. It's YOUR responsibility to get yourself where you need to go instead of relying on somebody else's husband to get you there.
Mulan

Hey Big D -

I'm thinking NOT having a job might keep me on the straight and narrow. Can you help me sell Flukette on the idea? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Here it is - Thanks Suzet

Here are 10 rules for avoiding emotional infidelity.
1. Keep it all business in the office.
2. Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.
3. Meet in groups.
4. Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.
5. Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.
6. Don't share your personal feelings.
7. Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.
8. Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.
9. Don't drink in mixed company.
10. Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

Okay, I am willing to amend. The closed door to discuss business, really BUSINESS, is understandable. and the rides with a co-worker, take on a case by case basis. But if the closed door business talks become personal intimate emotional sharing, you have to have the self-discipline to cut them off. And if the ride-sharing becomes too regular, just the two of you, again self-discipline.

Bigkahuna's list is actually more concise and useable.

Gee, Mulan, my H doesn't seem to mind when I catch a 10-minute ride to/from a meeting that I didn't know about ahead of time to drive myself in. And my H does not seem to mind when my boss gives me a ride to the commuter lot when a work emergency keeps me there late. BTW, my car is about 40 miles form work, so calling a cab or asking a friend/H to drive 80 miles round-trip out of their way to pick me up is ridiculous.

I know you and other BSs consider FWSs like me the scum of the earth and someone who can never be trusted again under any circumstance, but there are some of us who have learned from our poor choices and can act appropriately. It's too bad you can't see through the label to give us a little credit.

Could the "no car rides alone with members of the opposite sex" be a POJA issue rather than a hard and fast rule?

H and I *just* got into this last weekend. His original ride back from a meeting fell through, and he went back with "Lindsay," knowing he was breaking his promise to never put himself in that position again.

My problem was less with the car ride than with his choice not to enforce his boundaries (although the ever-watchful BS is not impressed with the car ride either).

If a couple has a pre-arranged plan for the occasional "emergency" ride (including what constitutes "emergency" and whether the BS would like a quick phone call just to get the info "as it happens"), then I can see where there could be acceptable exceptions to a general rule.

G

Griselda - this isn't school and there are few hard & fast rules as I see it anyway. POJA is definitely the way to go. Your spouse must follow the rule of protection.

Actually, my H and I abide by the "don't drive alone with co-workers of the opposite sex" rule... so much so that he just this morning turned down a ride and took the bus, like usual. (Our car engine blew up last year and we can't afford to fix it - he normally takes the bus.)

But he took rides from women a couple of times in the beginning. I didn't say anything, but it triggered me something awful. We discussed it, and I asked him how he'd feel if I was alone with a guy in a car. He said he'd be uncomfortable with that (a trigger for him), and we POJA'd the thing.

Having both come from prior marriages with infidelity, we do our best protect our marriage.

On a side note: Our neighbors, waiting for the bus with him, asked why he didn't take the ride. HE TOLD THEM. They looked at him like he had two heads. People who haven't had infidelity in their life don't get it.

GBH, you're not scum of the earth. If you and your H agree that those rides are fine, then you don't have to answer to anyone else. I'm personally uncomfortable with it - for my H or me. Just a big 'ol trigger.

Meetings? Yep, gotta have closed door meetings sometimes. Meetings in a bar or restaurant? Seriously? Do they still do that somewhere? Not cool.

I like the rest of the rules.

Absolutely. Like I stated earlier in this thread, I didn't even date co-workers when I was single - just didn't seem wise to me. So for me, that is not a "danger area" though I see how it might be for some.

BTW, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I need to catch a ride with someone. I usually know when I have off-site meetings or when I might be stuck late, and I drive in on those days.

I neglected to address the question about meetings at bars/restaurants. Obviously that is inappropriate, as is holing up in someone's office for a couple hours with the shades drawn! The offices here have windows but no shades anyway and don't lend themselves well to illicit activity.