I am feeling pretty devastated right about now and I hope someone can help. I got married 2 years ago (knew my husband for 10 months prior). I left a great career and moved to the mountains with him - we bought a house and we started a home improvement business together. Within 6 months we realized that we really couldn't work together so it became me doing mostly admin and he doing the work. His best friend moved up here to join him about 6 months ago and now they work together. We seemed to be doing great as soon as I stopped working with him but, for the last 4 months or so, we have had some strange issues. Most of them have developed from my dislike of him going places without me. Not saying that we all shouldn't have some alone time but...We don't see each other much on the weekdays - he comes home by say 6:30 at night, we eat and he is in bed by 8 or 9 watching tv. On the weekends, he really doesn't want to do much with me, not go to the movies or ride the motorcycle or anything. He mostly wants to stay home on the couch and watch tv. Says he worked all week and is tired. BUT...when he wants to go out with his buddies 4 wheeling or hunting or motorcycling he wants to go alone. I feel like we have only been married 2 years and he doesn't want to do anything with me. When he wants to go off with them, I am not allowed to say anything because he immediately talks divorce. He is very unaffectionat and hardly wants sex. He has always had a lower sex drive than me and is not "touchy feely" like me but he always made me feel loved and told me he loved me pretty often. Well, he told me that he was unhappy 2 months ago and might want a divorce. I was devastated. I gave him some time and he decided that no, he would stay and we'd work it out. He said it was him not me. Well we had a wonderful 2 months. I felt loved and included etc. Well, 3 weeks ago, he was going to go away for the weekend with his friends 4 wheeling and I was fine with it. I wanted him to come home Saturday night because we had an appointment Sunday at 1pm. I asked him to drive our car instead of going with his friends so he could come home Sat night instead of Sun morning and he threw a fit!...He came home that night not talking to me and basically told me that he wanted a divorce. Again. The next day I told him that I loved him and didn't want a divorce so, if he wanted one, he would have to do everything. He said no he would stay. Well, he has been treating me like an outsider for the last 3 weeks. No affection, hardly talks to me, just barely tolerates me. I should say that I have been happy and perky and positive this whole time. I don't ****** or nag, I keep the house clean. I am attractive and weight/height proportionate. I have not changed at all since we have been married. He basically admits that - says he is just not happy. I know he is not having an affair - we talked today (well I talked and he acted like he wasn't listening) because i couldn't stand it anymore being treated like his roommate. He said that, he is not in love with me and he is staying but it is too much trouble for him to act like he is happy when he is not. He won't tell me what I can do to make him happy and I am at a devastated loss. I am 43, this is my 3rd marriage and I promised myself that this was going to be it! I want to make him love me again but he won't tell me what to do. I have tried leaving him alone and acting sweet but not hanging on him, I have tried talking to him, pushed counseling anything to help. He doesn't want to be helped. He has decided that he is just going to be miserable and live with it. I know he wants a divorce but feels guilty. He moved me up here away from my great job and now he knows that I haven't done anything to make his feeling disappear so he is just going to stick it out until I decided that I have had enough. I am very much in love with him and I don't know what to do. Someone please help. The only thing he ever says is that I should just leave him alone and get my own life. I have tried hard to do that, but I want to spend some time with my husband or we will never fix this. Is there any hope? Sorry this is so long, just wanted to give the full overview. Thanks so much. Mindy :-)

How can you be so sure he is not having an affair? Why did you post on an infidelity forum?

Thank you so much, I didn't realize I was on an infidelity forum - it is my first time here and I thought this was a "general questions" forum. I will move my post. I know he is not having an affair for several reasons. One, I know when he is at work because I own 1/2 the business and he rides in the truck with his partner and he is going to their jobs. Second, he comes home each night, does not go out on the weekends - just mopes around. He hasn't gone away for a while and when he did, it was 4 wheeling with guys. And, I have asked him and he told me know and I do believe him. Call me crazy but I just know. He doesn't get weird calls or anything so... Thanks again! Mindy

All red flags.

If he is having an affair - he couldn't have for the last 2 months because he hasn't gone anywhere really - just done stuff around the house and his job. I almost wish it was that because at least I could have a reason. Maybe I should explain further. This is his second marriage but he was engaged to someone also for 2 years inbetween. He has always been a loner. When he was married, he and his wife led pretty separate lives. He worked at a power plant lots of hours and, when he has his 7 days off, generally got right in his truck, went to the woods to his hunting camp. She did her own thing. He never cheated on her. Finally she ended up leaving him for someone she worked with (can't imagine why huh?). Well he was pretty shocked and devastated - didn't see anything wrong with their marriage. Then, when he was engaged, he pulled the same stuff. Well she had a young child and couldn't go with him that much. When she tried to push him into a quick marriage and gave him an ultimatum he said no. So she left and found someone else. He told me when we met that he didn't like that person he was and he had changed (before he even met me). He understood that he would never hold on to a relationship being that emotionally selfish and he had seen counseling and was better. He also had a fairly low sex drive. Well he put on quite the act for me because we did everything together for at least 1 1/2 years. I even spent half my honeymoon at his hunting camp to show that we could do his things and my things both. Well he has now decided that he liked the way he used to be and he made a mistake trying to change and he wants to be the same old miserable sob that ruined his other relationships. He likes coming and going as he pleases, doesn't want to answer to anyone. You would think that he tries to do stuff all the time without me, but he doesn't. However, I feel like we don't do anything either. He is moping all the time. I think he is depressed. I tried to get him to consider that but he won't. So, that is why I honestly don't think it is an affair. Even his cell phone is in my name and we get the call details. I know every number coming and going and they are our customers, his friends etc. So, I honestly don't think that's the problem. I did bring it up to him - asked him is maybe he was interested in someone else - something...he laughed at me. He said, when would I do that? I am always home or working (and since I am part of the business I know where he is basically at all times). Anyway that is the story. Just like I said, if it was an affair, I could see his head being turned but with nothing else to go on, I feel just doomed and at a loss.

TRy getting HisNeedsHerNeeds on this site and maybe Love Busters. See if you can both read them together.

Does he see a problem in your marriage?

Thanks, I didn't look at love busters but I will. I looked at the needs questionaire and I don't think he will even fill it out except to say just leave me alone. He knows my needs - I have told him, he basically just told me today that he has been meeting them as well as he could (prior to the last 3 weeks) and he just decided that he didn't want to do it any more. Too much work to pretend. I had been very reinforcing to everything good he was doing - kept telling him how happy I was that we were getting along so great etc. I just kind of went with the flow - was very accomodating. Never got made or disagreed etc. Except that one day - in fact, he had assumed that we were both going on that 4 wheeling trip and I told him, no, it was too cold - but he should go anyway (he hadn't gone anywhere away in a while) so I was pretty shocked when I asked him to take our car and he threw a fit. He hasn't been the same since. Thanks again for your help. I will check out love busters. I just don't think he really cares to help the situation right now - he just acts like he feels stuck and its his own fault. You can't imagine how that makes me feel. It is taking everything I have to not let my self esteem and my positive attitude go down the toilet. I guess venting on the forum helps. Mindy :-)

It sounds like he might be depressed to me too. My WH was depressed for a year before he had the affair, but refused to get help for it.

But you are very early in a marriage for him to be threatening divorce.

Does he have family of origin issues?

What is family of origin? Do you mean previous ex with kids? Sorry, I am new to this. If that is what you mean, no he has no kids or contact with his exes. If you mean his family directly - no mental illness that I know of. His parents have been married for 46 years and are so happy. They are wonderful people and they ADORE me - they live here in town. We actually moved here to be close to them. When we met he said that he was looking for a relationship like his parents. They love each other, do everything together etc. I thought I was doing what he wanted...

I'm talking about the family he grew up in.

How many ex's does he have?

he has 1 ex

Mindy-

I want you to know that the things you're saying sound a lot like things I said. My husband was home every night too, and I knew his whereabouts all the time.....but guess what, he was STILL having an affair.

It was an emotional affair to begin with....no sex at first, but he did the same things you're saying your husband is doing.....no affection, he loved me but wasn't in love with me, I begged him to go to Marriage Counseling...he wouldn't, I told him he needed to get back on his anti-depressant...he wouldn't, asked him if there was someone else....Oh, no, that wasn't it. I didn't think I could live with him if he wasn't *in love* with me, so I took the kids and moved into an apartment (Which he happily helped me move into)....and guess what.....as soon as I moved out he took the Emotional Affair physical.

I'm not saying that this is definitely what's going on with your husband, but I'll bet you have that feeling in your gut that something just isn't right......don't you??? Trust your gut.

God Bless,

-Caren

If he uses "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, affair probability =100%

Thanks Caren. Yes, I have thought that - I am almost 100% sure that nothing physical is happening but i can't rule out the possibility of emotional. He has alot of friends around town and some of them are women. One thing - I am not budging. I do believe in God and this marriage and I am going to do everything I can to save it. I will definitely keep my eye out for anything else and thank you for sharing. By the way - what do I do if I find out that this thing is starting - If you can believe this, I am 43 years old and this is my third marriage and I have never been cheated on (that I knew...). I am pretty smart and don't put my head in the sand so...tell me what to do if I find out this is happening? Do you think if you had stayed you guys would have gotten through this? Thanks again - Mindy :-)

I, personally believe that I will get through this and save my marriage. If I had found Marriage Builders before I my husband and I separated I would have never done it, but I didn't find out until afterwards.

You need to do the research and find out exactly what's going on.

When I was deluding myself into believing there was no affair (I rationalized the crap out of his odd behavior)it was horrible, I kept saying "I almost wish he was having an affair, so I'd know what I was up against." Of course I didn't really want there to be an affair, but knowing what was going on made it far better, then I was able to formulate a plan of action instead of just spinning my wheels.

So do some research and try to find out if he is indeed seeing someone.....and we'll let you know what to do from there.

Actually I'd definitely start doing a Plan A for good measure (You can look up Plans A and B on this site), it couldn't hurt....it can only help.


Good Luck,

-Caren

Mindybear - My STBXH did the same thing to me and threatened me with divorce constantly. Every time he did it - I forgave him! I am not sure what advice to give, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. It is very painful and one of the most damaging things you can do to a marriage. Every time I was threatened, I would try harder, but I never seemed to please him. I hope you can get through to your husband and let him know how painful it is for you to hear such words spoken.

LilyGrace, thank you for your kind words and commiserance (is that a word???/ LOL!) I am glad to know that I am not alone. I feel (and others feel) that I am a wonderful wife, caring, loving, encouraging, always trying to build him up, watching what I say to not irritate him etc. So this is incredibly hard for me. He is not really giving any reason for this except that he wants to be left alone and come and go as he pleases like he used to. He wove a web of deceit to draw me in and now he is trying to spit me out like I am nothing. It is so sad. I have never been one to snoop but, since reading this forum I have lowered myself to wondering and spying and checking and I HATE myself for it. Now I have horrible thoughts running through my mind but...there doesn't seem to be any other explanation for his behavior (except that I think he is depressed). I have never experienced this before and I am SO at a loss. So thank you for your input. Mindy :-)