First of all, what an incredible site of information here. I want to thank you ahead of time for taking the time to understand my dilemna.

My wife have been living together for 10 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful girls, a home, etc.

I am 28, She is 27. We have both been through so much in our marriage and took so much for granted.

My wife in the past two years has excelled in her job and become very independant. Instead of appreciating and applauding her I was an [censored]. I wanted her time. I felt that because I paid the bills and "wore the pants" that she should be home with me more. I have a home based web design company that has grown incredibly and is very stable.

Ok, here is the issue.

I say things to get under her skin to get a reaction. The reaction never works in my favor and I pick fights. Working at home is tough because i feal that I became a "hermit" and am too dependant of her. We have become pfysical, grabbing pushing, etc. Nothing major but its all bad I know. Anyway, we were talking about seperating last week and I spoke with a lawyer. While we were discussing options neither of us wanted to give up the majority on paper of custody. I was such an [censored] and isiot. Divorce is not the answer, Our marriage is. I am so in love with her even more than when we met.

I seem to cause probally 75% of our problems due to my inaffection, insecurity and lack of help. Through despiration (IMO), she told the police dept of me leaving town with my kids and me being abusive. Now, by courts order I have to stay away thurs thru tuesday. I have learned so much by this seperation how much I took her for granted and did not appreciate all the great things she does and did for me and our family. We are speaking fine and I have expressed my faults and the stupid actions I made. She says that she does not know what she wants to do. She does not know if she "In Love" with me anymore. I told her how I want to prove myself and be the man she fell in love with. We have so much at sake with the house, family, and life in general. The hardest thing for me is not letting it go for now and giving her a chance to find the love. I believe with all my heart she still has love but I have caused her to raise her guard and she is on the defensive. The proof is in the pudding and I want to prove myself. Me calling her several times a day and telling her all of what I want to do makes me unattractive to her, IMO. This has been an incredible learning experience. You don't know what you have until its lost.

She has done several small things that to me shows she still has love. Initially, she changed her name in my phone to "Love of my Life". She text messages me with "Have a Good Night". A friend of mine picked up a bag of belongings from her which included a picture of the two of us. These little things to me show that there is still something there. Just last week, we took a family trip, 5 Hour drive to the mountains. We did not have 1 issue. It was Great.

We have GREAT times or TERRIBLE times. Wheres the mediun? It would probally be there is I wasnt such an idiot about things.

My mind is really going 100 miles an hour and I appologize for the bad grammar above.

Does this "Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder". Should I not call? If she sends me a message, SHould I reply. Should I be "Out of Reach"? It seems like I have to play this correctly If I want the oppurtunity to prove myself to her.

I need any help I can get. If any questions come up, I am here in my hotel room.

I need her back, help....

Thanks You!

Dear BB,

Glad you're here and hope you're reading everything on the website--Lovebusters, Emotional Needs, etc.

First, this part:

"We have become pfysical, grabbing pushing, etc. Nothing major but its all bad I know."

You are honest to own up to provoking your wife, getting under her skin. To not be protective of your marriage, cherishing or meeting her ENs. Why dodge this one? Your disrespect in grabbing and pushing is as rejecting as your disrespectful judgments (DJs) and provocation.

No, don't call her several times a day unless one of her top ENs is attention (affection, admiration, appreciation, conversation). Please don't try to save your marriage with your image in mind. Time for you to know your authentic self and act from it.

You are only half of the equation and the only factor we have because you are here. Absence only has the heart grow fonder when you're in love with a fantasy. In reality, 15 hours of undivided attention each week will help you. Dating your wife. Sharing your growth from introspection. There's a great guy here on MB goes by Jaye Mathisen. Read his threads. You're not alone.

You've gained perspective and insight by the seperation. It gets past all the anger you're reacting to and lets you see your patterns. Use this to understand why you do what you do, feel and think.

Begin with the respect part. Your wife is a seperate human being from you, outside of your control, like everyone else on the planet. You can only control yourself. One of the reasons people bait others is because they are not expressing their own thoughts and feelings ("I feel" and "I believe" statements and listening to others).

Embrace being intimate from your true self to hers.

Goes a long way to fill the inbetween of "Great times" and "Terrible times."

LA

P.S. What are your top emotional needs?

Thank you very much for your response and information. I am so scared of losing my precious wife. Tonight as Lay in bed I am thinking of what I want to say to My wife and kids together upon my return Tuesday.

My kids unfortunately witness are actions and I am filled with so much sorrow. I plan to call a "Family Metting" giving Both daughters and my wife a Rose. I will then want to say:

Kids, and Wife, I am so very sorry to put all of you through this. While I have been away I have had a chance to think and realize how I have been acting. Kids, Your mother is a wonderful mother, Wife and friend. She tries very hard to comfort us and I jeopardized OUR family. I took everything we have for granted and will show you changes that will keep us all happy.

I have much more to say but I am sure you get what I am saying.

My fear is not getting the oppurtunity to prove myself and thats what scares me more than anything. I come from a broken marriage as my wife did as well. I know that I can be a better father and Husband. I am just so scared. The little things my wife does has me analyzing and pondering. I analyze too much.

As far as my needs are concerned:
I need to feel loved, sometimes go overboard in trying.
I need to feel wanted, go overboard here too
I need passion, overboard at times
I need a simple "I love You"
I need intimacy, Really tend to cause too much stress on this one.

Now that I think about it, I would be willing to bet she has the same needs.

She is giving me mixed signals. I hope that she is teaching me a lesson but am unsure and thats whats scary. In my heart I think that the "LOVE" she once had may have diminsihed but I also think its still there just needs to be sparked.

My wife was raised a bit better than I. She had a Mother and Great Step Father that loves her. I had a "Bachelor" Father, more like a friend. Any marriage values I have I think I learned as we went a long and by watching others. I see couples riding down the road smiling and talking and get sad. Whats done is done. I hope to show the New "Father" and New "Husband".

We have been bad for a long time. I have caused so much of the problems and I just cant believe what I have done. 3 Years ago, I was working for my father and we had issues so I was let go as my wife as well. I than started a web design company that has grown well and we are finally able to live a better life. My wife went to work at a restaraunt where she soon excelled to managemant. Instead of being an [censored] and selfish, I should have been supportive. She mentioned last night that maybe she turns to her work because of how she is respected. She doesnt make a lot of money but it makes her happy as she know is the General Manager. She is so dedicated that I was jealous. I had her attention years ago but took it for granted. She is such a great person. The truth be told, When we are happy she does want to be with me more, understandably. Some people say, the kids will be better off if we were indeed seperated. I disagree If I am able to make the changes needed to be the man I should have been years ago.

Last week we made love and she wispered in my ear, "I love you, This is Home". I agree, our intimacy is incredible and gets better over time. Even when we both arent into it, Its still amazing.

She told me also in the past that things werent "Deal Breakers". Abusiveness was. Her father abused her mother and he recently passed away (2 Months ago). That has caused an impact and more stress for her. I was certainly there for her during this time but short served. I should have been her friend and caring husband even more than I was.

Bottom line, She is my best friend and she doesnt know it because I was a jerk. I look up to her and she doesnt know it cause I was a jerk. I depend on her for so many reasons and dhe doesnt know it.

Would it be a bad idea to invite her to this thread?

You'll are fantastic, Thank You! I cant wait to read any other replies.

Great idea for the family meeting, BB. When you speak your heart and mind, try not to define your wife...just say that what you've realized (specifically) that you've done, how you've changed your beliefs and behavior, that you love and cherish your marriage and your children. If you say that you're doing all this because your wife is so good, then you're teaching your children that love is earned. Believing that you earn love is how you got into this mess. Love is. You choose to love your wife and children--for better or worse. No earning. That frees them to be who they are and still be loved, accepted and respected. You, too.

"My fear is not getting the oppurtunity to prove myself and thats what scares me more than anything." I remember this very well--I know that breathless fear and I can assure you, whatever the outcome, you have that opportunity right now. You are her H and you prove yourself each day. Not too late for being who you've always wanted to be, regardless the future.

"I need to feel loved, sometimes go overboard in trying.
I need to feel wanted, go overboard here too
I need passion, overboard at times
I need a simple "I love You"
I need intimacy, Really tend to cause too much stress on this one."

Now, get out a scorecard and on a scale of one to ten, give yourself points for how well you do at showing yourself love, acceptance and attention? How often do you tell yourself "I love you"? A lot of the difficulty in feeling loved comes from desperately seeking it outside of yourself. Knowing that you were created by God, wonderfully made, loved before you were even conceived, being whole, not defective--because God doesn't make no junk, is critical to feeling all that you listed above. Spend time and attention on your self in a healthy, loving way, and you will begin to see where you are loved, wanted, desired, accepted and respected. Passion for self is not selfish--it is passion for a beautiful creation.

Your wife was showing you love and you couldn't feel it. You can't make her be in love with you, but you do have control over feeling what love is really there. That's your responsibility. Same with acceptance. With everything.

These weren't the emotional needs I was referring to specifically. Read this:
The Most Important Emotional Needs

And find the questionnaires. They address what you're talking about, but in more concrete fashions.

Your wife finding respect at work is critical to you. You'll find that respect isn't admiration...it is honoring that she can have her own opinions and feelings and you aren't the cause, control or cure of them. You need to learn to listen and repeat. Validate and understand. She'll see your respect and it is invaluable to your relationship. Disrespectful judgments are difficult to comprehend, but reading Love Busters would be great for you:

Love Busters

Realize, too, that you've been operating previously from your inner child...lots of bite backs and get evens for imagined wrongs. Many of us do this when we are in pain. Another part of coming from that early self is that you'll see things in absolutes...either Great or Terrible. Like going from 0 degrees to 180 degrees...still sick perspective. Be healthier and look for the 90 degrees...everything has two parts...one is yours, one is hers. Find your part. It isn't all of it. True healing comes from owning just your part. If it is all your fault, then you have all the power. Just like it not being your fault at all leaves you powerless. You're human. Get in the middle. That's what the adult you knows and is striving for.

"This is home." She is a lovely woman, I agree. Yes, invite her here, but read the links and really understand where you're going, 'k? She wants this new and improved you to feel safe, loved, secure. She has her own work, but we want yours to be permanent, right? Will take time to prove, but you can do it.

You're not alone. Been down your path. Stay present and prayerful.

LA

This morning I woke realizing that I have to move on and be productive. Last night I was so upset but nothing I can say or do NOW is going to help. I am feeling great and owe this website and you a boatload of appreciation. I spoke with my wife today and told her that I do agree and understand now why she is not wanting us right now. Maybe one day we can rekindle our love. I need to work on my esteem and not only prove to my kids and wife but prove to myself I am a better person now and use these practices to better everyone around me. I also know now that LOVE does not necessarily go away but infact it can come back to "IN Love". We fell in love early in our lives and have done so many things altering our lives. Instead of keeping the flame and spark I made it unbearable to my family. From this day forward I am going to be a better person in all aspects and hold true the love and determination I have to make this possible.

She told me earlier she was sorry. I said, don't be, I am sorry. You have once again made me a better person. I told her she was an incredibale woman.

I go home tomorrow and am so excited to comfront my issues and be open. This site allowing me to express and find my emotions is so great. Cheers to the future!

Kudos, BB, on you finding out what you need (website, other people just like yourself) and getting it.

I'm a dark cloud to say this--"I am going to be a better person"...honey, you already are. You always were a whole, lovable person. Along the line, you stopped knowing this in yourself--others told you something else, defined you--and now you're getting back to your real self. If you say you're gonna be a better person, the other half of that statement tells yourself that means you weren't good enough before. Tell yourself and others, you are going to be your true self and yes, your wife is a part of that and you thanked her for it. Give yourself gratitude for reclaiming you, doing it for you.

What you're excited about is finding out love is a verb--that you actively love. You are excited that you can demonstrate it--no longer is it an intangible, fragile, whispy thing, but something with steps and guides and creative power.

Cheers to you and your journey back to self. Good book that I had at my beginning was "Healing the Shame that Binds Us" John Bradshaw. Especially the incorporating all your villagers exercise.

You're worth it. You always have been.

LA

Just one comment. I read through the thread quickly, so I may have missed it. Are you in counselling?

Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. You are telling her that you are changing. Going to counselling will let her know you are willing to put in the time and effort.

And, get some self-help books.

I wish you well.

You hit it perfectly every time. Whether we work out or not I will be a better person. My only problem if she doesnt find the love she once had for me is not proving to her the changes. That could haunt me but either way, i feel as if I found the answers. Maybe god helped me last night. I asked for help and through you and faith I now have it.

I also emailed her the link to this thread. Hopefully she will appreciate this. Maybe she will even participate.??

I plan on getting counceling reguardless of if we plan on keeping our marriage.

Would you happen to have any recommendations in Virginia Beach, Virginia for a counseler.

My wife is the only person that has ever stood by me whether I was wrong or right. If i was hurt she felt it and tried to help. I should have been more attentive to her and equal. You live and Learn. Its not what we do, its how we do it and how I should have been. I was Selfish.

Her participation would be lovely. Remember that proving changes takes time...takes an instant to "get it" and a couple of months to make the changes into habits of behavior. Her lovebank can be refilled. Just depends on if she will allow your deposits or not. My H didn't allow any for a few months, then they started sneaking past him...not really, but he started letting them in.

Got that below the red bankrupt piggy bank up higher than even when we first fell in love. And mine is for him, too.

You're sharing yourself and your what you've found out about relationships. No pressure, no demands. Invitations to love, toots.

You're doing fine. Don't jump into the future with haunting, failing, succeeding or floundering. Here and now, you're making your life new and finding out who you were to begin with, right?

That's a full plate.

LA

My wife brought me my kids tonight. Now, She is at home relaxing taking a bath. I owe her so much and hope one day she will forgive me. I hope she enjoys her time. Seeing her was incrdible. Thius woman has no flaws even after 10 years. I see beauty and not just physicaly. She came to my room and was tightying up. I loved it. She is a Great girl and deserves so much, I sure blew it. Having my kids here is wonderful. Good night all! I hope that someone reads my path this week and I hope they learn from it. Love your wife!

I came home this morning and brought my wife a cup of her favorite coffee and a rose. She said, "You can't do this". I did not give her a rose and coffee to get in the saddle. It was really just to put a smile on her face. Last week she was sending me Love songs and than I messed up. If I could go back things would have been different. She says "I want to be alone, Who knows what will happen down the road". She is not willing to presently go to counceling. I will be going soon either way. I offered a family trip to disney and that was quickly turned down. I offered her a vacation by herself to anywhere to think without any distractions. She just won't budge and I have no idea how to handle this. I wish I could get a "This is your last Chance". The past has certainly affected her trust in me. Like I said prior, She has become so very independant. She in theory has no boss, she makes the calls. I need help and just wish and pray for one more chance to show her a better me. My kids are going to be hurt. Our lives will be changed in so many ways. IS it really ever "Too Late". I am so sincere. She told me she wants me to move on. What do I do? I see no signs of infidelity just her wanting to be independant. I wish she would give me the ball or just a shot to see how I can be. I think she is being somewhat selfish. Another thing I want to mention is the "Kid Move". The move was something that would better our lives with better education and general living.

"wish I could get a "This is your last Chance".

Can you see that right now is your chance? You're living in it? You aren't divorced and you are her husband. Every step you've been taking and the ones you are right now is this chance. You've got it. Know it.

What you might be really wanting is for her to change, to have an open heart, to feel differently toward you right now, right away. For her to give you permission by saying this is your chance. That's different than having a last chance, isn't it? That is out of your control. You brought her the coffee and the rose because gifts is your language of love. It is your expression. You have others, what are they? What are hers?

How did you mess up last week?

Just a reality check--your kids are already hurt. Their parents are living seperately. They were hurt by you in the past and her in the present, and life all in between. Owning this stuff is what will give you clarity, which enables you to act from the strength of truth and not react from emotions.

Try not to dwell in the "she's being independent and selfish part." She sent you love songs. She has her own struggles, her own beliefs and is making her own choices from them. You are not causing her to withdraw, reject you or ripping up her family.

I don't know what Kid Move means.

You're getting help, you are educating yourself. Look at your reality, not your perception for the truth of your situation, 'k?

LA

I think I need to Move on. She doesnt want me. She wants to leave and move to another home and take our kids. I need a nap. I will keep you'll updated and Thank you Very Much!

When you are rested, could you answer me this...

"I think I need to Move on. She doesnt want me."

What do you want?

See, it is an equal desire ratio. Your wants count also. Half and half.

LA

Good Morning all.

Yesterday we talked and grasped everything at hand. We decided to start with a clean slate. As friends and see what happens. We were getting along. When she left she gave me a hug. That hug was like the first time we "Made Love". I felt great. I than took our beautiful girls to the park. 30 Minutes later I get a call from my wife. "I feal that was Phoney". She was implying to being nice? Or Maybe the hug? Anyway, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Typical to our past, Had a moment of high and than run over by a truck.

She came home last night and I had dinner for her as I typically do. I than ran a bath for her. She accepted happily. She did have a long stressful day both with me and her job. She is under a lot of pressure. While she was in the bath I took the petals from the rose I gave her the previous morning and put them in the bath with her, this was a first. She looked so beautiful. I sat with her a minute and watched her as she read her magazine. She is so amazing. I slept with my oldest daughter in her room, another amazing girl. When my wife came down to OUR bedroom she was greeted by a letter, 3 candles, and a freshly made bed. I love catering for her, she deserved it.

In the letter it read as such:
"Thank You for Being You! Sweet Dreams and Good Night Baby. Hope your relaxed, You Deserved it. Let me know if you would like some coffee in the AM. Take it with a grain of salt. Nothing More, Nothing Less."

She joked in the past that she would keep me around just for my coffee brewing. lol. I wish that was true. lol

Our biggest problem came from Quality Time together. You mentioned and I read about 15 Hours a week of Dating, Talking, Playing, etc. We had maybe 3. Those were spent together alone watching a movie until we fall asleep. She works a lot and as I. I work during the day and into the night sometimes although I have changed that til 9-5 ish. She works 3pm - 1am. The Hours hurt us. We didnt have many days of time and the days we had we argued because I was not there for her emotionally for the days we werent together. I certainly blew it.

She is sound asleep now and beautiful. I look at her and feel sad that I am about to lose my soulmate, I do think she is my soulmate. We depend on each other for so many things.

Even during this time I have talked about us too much. She needs a day of no-talking about us. Today will be that day, Hopefully. She is working when she gets up and than has to go back at 3 until 1.

I know that If we could just get away we would find the spark. Then the thing on return she would probally think things would go back to the way they were. Man, I swear they would be different.

What to do, What to do?

If anyone has similar problems as such, You will learn from all the mistakes I made. If I would have payed attention to this site more a week ago, Things would have been great. She would have seen the change and would have been struck wondering how I changed. It's too late now I feel but time will tell. The regrets I have hurt so bad. I want to help her in all aspects. I want to be her man. I want to be her husband. I want to be her lover. I want to be her everything.

Love your Lover with everything you have! Include your lover in all aspects of your life!

LovingAnyway, Are you a counseler? Can I give you her number? lol. She really needs to be helped by someone that knows how to help. She needs to understand everything. Do you do phone consultations?

Also, She did read the forum a bit. Not in its entirety as she was going 800 miles an hour and had to go back to work. I will print it out for her today.

She pointed out my grammar errors. Funny thing is, I knew while I was typing it that I was sure I had some. I also knew she would correct them. I truly know my wife. More than she knows.

Another thing is, Last Friday I ordered her some roses and a box of chocalates. The letter read something like, "Happy 10th Valentines Day, I love you and hope to have 10 more".

She did not say anything about the gesture. I asked her if she got them she said yes and left them at work. Said she ate the chocolates. That was it.

I think we both need each other. For so many reasons. I broke our deal of abuse. I hurt us. I cant go back, wish I could.

I just went to the 7-11 to Get some milk and also picked her up a teddy bear and some cappucino. I then went and got two of her favorite movies (Grease and Breakfast Club), our wedding song that really defined us (Two Sparrows in a Hurricane, Tanya Tucker), and an Al Green CD. I am not doing this to get her back but just to be nice and I felt good about doing it. I have always enjoyed catering her and just never did it as much as I should of. Instead of the pedestal I should have placed her on. I just took her and the oppurtunity for granted.

How familiar are you with domestic violence and finding ways to ensure your wife will be safe? All the things that you describe sound very loving, but they also sound like the "Honeymoon Phase" that so often is a part of this cycle.

I urge you to get more information on this and learn how you can ensure that your wife and daughters are safe from violence if she chooses to stay.

If you truly care for your wife and daughters and their safety you will urge them to get informed about domestic violence, too.

You have mentioned caounseling. Have you or your wife been yet?