Hi Mortarman -

I read and really took to heart your Husbands and Wives Roles study. I understand now, in a way that I never did prior to my wife's A, what my role is in a Christ-centered marriage. The incredible responsibility we, as husbands, have, and the sacrifices we may be called upon to make.

I have had a very long weekend, for a variety of reasons (not all related to our beginning recovery from the A). This morning I almost didn't go to church (I did though, and am glad I did). I've reached a point where I am so emotionally drained that I find it difficult to even pray. In fact, my wife had to step in and finish our morning prayer time. I am so ready to just "check-out" right now, albeit temprorarily (I hope). But I also feel that I can't, because by doing so I will be abdicating my position as spiritual head of my family and leaving us wide-open to the attacks that the enemy is probably even now planning and trying to execute.

I feel an incredible amount of pressure to keep up my part of the fight (praying, studying, etc) - almost as if our marriage rides on this. But on the other hand, I just can't muster the strength to carry on the fight right now. I've tried praying to God to ask for the strength to do my part, but either He hasn't seen fit to grant it, or He did and I missed it, or (most likely) I'm just incapable of effectively praying right now.

My wife made an interesting observation tonight when I was relaying all this to her. She said that maybe I just needed to give all of it, everything, over to God, because it sounded to her like I was trying to do it all on my own again (a recurring problem in my life).

So my question is this. What happens when you (the general you, not you specifically) hits a point where you just can't seem to go on? I know from my personal military experience that leaders have to go the extra mile, all the time. But we all have our limits, and only so much endurance. Can I simply say to God that I can't go on, can He carry the fight for a bit? Part of me says yes, but a bigger part of me says that's a cop-out, and I'm taking the easy way out simply because I'm a wimp and can't rise above my own limitations.

Any insight would be appreciated. Even if it's as simple as telling me to be a man and do my job and stop wallowing in the mud. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks.

Just a short follow-up that may give some more insight as to why I feel I can't take a "time-out". My wife and I have been praying together in the morning and at night before we go to bed. 99% of the time I'm the only one who prays out loud, though occasionally she will, and she will also give me things to pray about specifically related to her.

We have been doing this faifthfully every day since her return from the 2nd dramatically shortened trip. Every day except last Saturday. She got home late from her closing shift Friday night, and had to be back in the morning. My days are longer than hers (generally up before her, and then I don't go to bed until she gets home and we have a chance to do our Bible study and pray), so I was passed out completely when she left Saturday morning. I have a vague memory of her leaving, but that's it. So we didn't pray.

And there was contact that morning. She called him when she was cleaning out her cell phones voice mail box. There had been no contact in the previous 2 weeks, after he called her and she finally told him that she wanted to work on our marriage. She didn't tell him to go away forever, but to go away for the next couple of years, and he was abiding by that.

So that's why I feel so much pressure. The one time in 6 weeks that we didn't pray, and she made contact (however brief). Yes, there had been contact in the previous 6 weeks even when we were praying, but she had finally given him a partial NC message. I was too lazy one morning to pray, even briefly, and bam! Contact. I can't imagine spening the next many months never sleeping and constantly praying, but that's kind of the point I feel I'm at.

BB,

I only have a second to answer your questions. I will have more time this evening. But, let me say something here.

First, we in the military learned very early on that the 1st rule of combat is take care of yourself, because you are no good to anyone else dead. Or combat ineffective due to lack of rest.

All of us, when we first became leaders, tried to do it all. I remember going four days straight during my first field exercise as a squad leader, without sleep. By the fourth day, I was beginning to make judgement errors. I was beginning to not even see the forest thru the trees. If it hadnt been one of my team leaders coming up and telling me...telling me...that he was going to take charge for awhile and I was going to go lay down and get some rest, I have no idea how things would have turned out.

So, the first rule is that you cannot do everything. You just cant. It is important to make the time to take care of the basics (eating, sleeping, etc).

Next, Biblical fatigue. Remember...He says that His yoke is light. He didnt say easy! What that means is if you are running out of strength...as your wife eluded to...then you are relying (at least in part) on your own strength to do this. He said that you can do NOTHING apart from Him. He also says that "I can do ALL things thru Christ Jesus who strengthens me." So, what's the problem?

Well, I have to go back and read your whole story...but just off what you wrote here, I think maybe the problem is that you arent fighting the battle correctly. First off, you are concentrating on this prayer time as being a problem. It is NOT the problem. Sure, it is causing lack of sleep, etc...but that isnt what is wearing you down.

You were talking about how she has had contact recently (even if it was just to tell the OM to hold off a bit). You said that she hasnt sent a NC letter stating to never contact her again in this life. BB...this is where you are losing your strength!

With a WW in the house who still has an OM dangling out there, who has been in contact even as recently as a few days ago...then you sir are still in the heat of the affair battle...not the recovery battle. What your WW is trying to do is actually getting you to fight two battles at once.

Here's what I mean. To fight the affair, you must do Plan A and Plan B. You must do things that specifically fight the affair. Once a couple is in recovery...while some things continue to be the same (like continuing to try to meet needs, no love busters, etc), many of the requirements change. Its like fighting the Iraqis to Baghdad. We did that in 17 days rather effectively. But while it is still a war, the period we have had sense taking over that country has caused us to change how we do things and what our tactics are.

Now, what if a general asked me to fight a war...and conduct peace keeping operations at the same time? How in the world can I do that??? Those are two entirely different operations!

Your WW has you trying recovery without the cessation of "hostilities" (the affair). She has not surrendered from the affair by doing the things that would cause you to level your "weapons" and begin a dialog. You are still in fight mode. So, you are trying to conduct peace keeping operations with a wife that has yet to surrender, which keeps you on a "war" footing. Can you see now how draining that is?

Sure, your WW can help you with some of the fatigue issues. Like the two of you finding a way to change your schedules. Or her looking out for you (like my team leader did) and making sure you get the rest you need so you can effectively lead.

But in the end...you cant have an ongoing affair AND recovery at the same time! Either you are at war, or you are not.

So, I guess what I am saying is that your wife and you need to sit down. You need to let her know what it is that you have to have in order for the affair to be over. A NC letter. Counseling to begin immediately. Keep praying together!! And whatever else that will keep you from going into recovery.

So, as I said...with the short bit in this thread, I just see this as you fighting this mess in a way that God does not intend for you to fight it. Let me know if I am missing something.

In His arms.

brokenbird, I hope you don't mind if I offer up a few thoughts for you to ponder. Having endured over 3.5 years of occasional contacts during my own recovery process, I understand the "ripping you back to 'ground zero'" effect of any contact.

Here's the first thing I want you to think about....NONE of is perfected yet. We all continue to struggle, daily, with our fallen human nature. It is NOT that we occasionally fall and make "bad choices," it is that we get up and continue the 'race' to become more Christ-like. That IS the process of Sanctification. Paul understood this battle, and fought this same battle, and HE is arguably the "greatest" Christian of all.

So my question is this. What happens when you (the general you, not you specifically) hits a point where you just can't seem to go on?

For a Christian, the answer is "let go and let God." I KNOW that sounds simplistic and is often hard to do when someone is used to "being in control." "But lo, I am with you always....." Christ IS with you and, as Mortarman referenced my favorite verse and my "recovery verse," (Philippians 4:13), God's PROMISE (and God is faithful to ALL of his promises) is that YOU don't need 'unlimited' strength because HE has it and makes that 'supply chain' available to you.

So when you hit the "limit" of your available strength and resources, you have to ask yourself a question (keeping in mind that YOU have exhausted what your ability could provide)..... Do you trust and believe God or do you think God is false and a liar?

If it is the former, HE will be there "catch you, carry you, strengthen you, and work FOR you. He will "restoreth your soul." He will tend you, care for you, provide others to help you mend, AND he will "cover" the total cost of picking you up, broken, weak, and unable to help yourself as you lie on the side of the road and carrying you to a place of help and recovery.

AND He reminds you that you have TODAY only to "worry" about doing anything. The worries about the future are HIS concern, not yours. ALL that He asks is that you do what you can for THIS day, not tommorrow. Sometimes all that you can do is to.....let go and trust in God because "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who live him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)

The very hard part, many times, is that we honestly want things "fixed" NOW! But "God works for the good of those who love him" in HIS timetable, using ALL things to work in the lives of BOTH you and your wife. Perseverence in the walk with Christ is needed as part of the process.

It is SCARY to feel like you are dangling from a rope and you strength is failing....and beneath you are 20 floors of open space, the inevitablity of gravity, and a concrete "stopping point" waiting to catch you. AS Peter was told, don't take your eyes off of Jesus and "trust your own understanding," TRUST God and remain fixed on HIM as sovereign and in control and the LOVING Father who will "be there" to catch you when you "jump as a child into His waiting arms even though it 'seems' like a long way to 'fall' before He catchs you." Trust God as a child trusts his own father, because Christ has made Him YOUR true Father too.

a bigger part of me says that's a cop-out, and I'm taking the easy way out simply because I'm a wimp and can't rise above my own limitations.

This is simply another lie of Satan that is trying to convince you that "God didn't REALLY mean what He said."

"The LORD is my shepard, I shall lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
(Psalm 23 NIV, emphasis added)

brokenbird....read, really read that Psalm. God is the one in control and God is the one who "provides" and "leads." He does it for CHRIST. He indwells you and continues to guide you in the path of Sanctification (becoming more Christ-like yourself). He uses all things that happen in our lives to "work for good" because He IS the Good Shepard.

We follow, He leads. We reflect what we have seen Him do. We run and do not become "weary" to the point of quitting because HE provides our sustenance even when we cannot, in our limited power and resourses.

You, brokenbird, are NOT a "wimp." You are just what God wants you to be....surrendered to Him. Trusting in HIS strength. Trusting in HIS love. Trusting in HIS faithfulness.

God bless. It WILL get better.

Excellent post by FH. One thing I wanted to add to it though.

I sign all of my posts at the end with "In His arms." And while that sounds all nice and Hallmark-y (you like that new word, Pep??), it has a a hidden meaning to it for me.

You see, for far too long in my life, Jesus was a rescue helicopter. I would continue to swim against the current, in my own strength...try to do it on my strength. Try to follow what God asks me on my strength. Only when I had run out of strength (or so messed things up that only God could pull my butt out of that mess!!), did I call on Him to take over.

My pastor yesterday at church said something that really struck home on this to me yet again. He was talking about what God commands of us. You see, in the Old Testament (and in the secular world...and in other religions), it is the Golden Rule. Love one another as you love yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Right?

Jesus changed all of that! Jesus came and said there was now only one commandment...and that is to love. So, non-Christians say "So what's the big deal? Many non-Christians love one another...keep the Golden Rule." But that isnt all Jesus said. He said love one another "as I have loved you." That BB is an ENTIRELY different ballgame!! it is entirely different than what the world teaches and what every religion on this planet teaches. Jesus says that when you boil it all down, his commandment to us is to love one another as He has loved us. We must love each other like God loves us.

So we say to ourselves "Great! How in the world am I supposed to do that? I am just a man (or woman). How am I supposed to have the same love and the strength and knowledge to carry out that love like Christ has loved us?"

The answer? We CANNOT do it!! It is impossible! On our own, we can not possibly have the love that Jesus was talking about. It is this point that I am trying to make about "In His arms."

We have all read the little poster or card that has the "Footprints" poem on it (if anyone hasnt seen it, let me know and I will post it). Jesus says in that poem that in the hardest days, when there was only one set of footprints in the sand...it was then that He carried me.

What "In His arms" means to me is that I have gotten to a point in my life where (not always...I still struggle with the flesh) I decided that I want to just remain "In His arms." I dont want to walk on my own. I dont want to love my neighbor on my own. I dont want to save my marriage on my own. I dont want to do my work at my job on my own.

I realized that everything that has gotten screwed up in my life is when I walked alongside Christ for awhile, but then I began to take my eyes off Him. Or I would run ahead of Him. "Here Jesus, let me do this. I will take care of this. You just stand back and watch how good I am." Anyone ever been THERE before??

And then I run off, or diverge from my path with Him...and He has always been faithful to help guide me back o nthe path.

But, in learning about "In His arms," I realized that if I just stay in His arms, if I let Him carry me always...if I let Him make the final decisions...if I let Him provide ALL of the strength needed and the guidance needed...then I cannot possibly mess up. And I cannot possibly grow tired. And with that, then Mortarman CAN love his wife, or his kids or others exactly like Christ has loved us.

In the upper room right before Jesus was apprehended...at the Last Supper...Jesus washed the feet of the Disciples. Even Judas, who would betray Jesus (and He knew that Judas would betray Him) had his feet washed by Jesus. Jesus said to His disciples that the one commandment He had for them is to love one another as He has loved them.

Jesus could have said "I have washed your feet...now you must wash mine." Or He could have said "Love me as I have loved you." But that is NOT what He said!

He said that we are to "wash each other's feet...as He has washed ours." We are to love each other as He has loved us.

Many people on here have asked "how do I know who is a true Christian...someone truly saved?" Well, that person is very easily recognized. They claim Jesus as their Lord and Savior and they show that they are His by the love they show others. By how their love is like Christ.

BB, your strength will be there as FH says. God has made promises and He always keeps them. But instead of doing as I did for so long, and relying on God to provide where I cant...I have found it better to just let Him provide everything. That I not struggle against Him. That I am clay in His hands.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that put all of this into perspective. It said "If Jesus is your co-pilot, then you need to change seats." Let Him drive BB!

In His arms.

Mortar-

"If Jesus is your co-pilot, then you need to change seats"
That is GREAT!!!! That's exactly right!

You are so wise Mortar, and I am so thankful that we have you here at MB. You just have a way of putting things in perspective for me.

You are the one that told me that I needed to "Give it to God" and it took me quite a while to fully understand what you meant. You were patient and tried to explain it (But the obvious escapes me quite often) and I tried to do it....but one day, finally, I got it right. Now everyday I give it to God. I don't worry about things anymore, I have a dialog with the Lord. I speak to him all day. I try to make everything I do something that is worthy of the Lord.

From cooking dinner, to my work, to cleaning my house.

He gives me peace, he guides me in all things.

I finally understand the meaning of having a personal relationship with God.

Broken.....let the Lord take control. Let him guide you.

Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry and he shall say, Here I am.

Isaiah 58:9

God Bless,

-Caren

Mortarman –

Thanks for your response. You made some very good points, and helped me to get, if not completely calm, at least a modicum of peace in this mess for now.

Our story is here Hurt And Lost. Magpie, my wife, has her own thread Magpies warped reasoning and general response. MP's thread was started while she was on the 2nd trip. She stayed off the board for quite some time shortly after her return, and Friday came back on to ask for any FWWs that would be willing to help her with some of her questions (a good sign IMO).

In a somewhat large nutshell, married 4-1/2 years, together 7. Two kids (DS 11, DD 3). MP had an EA (started August 2005) which turned into a PA with OM (my now ex-friend). OM lives in another state, and last I knew was unable to leave the state due to legal issues, so physical contact is difficult to achieve. She saw him for a few days after Christmas so she “could say goodbye”, but the trip was cut short (4 days instead of 14, and 2 of those days she was either talking with me or waiting for a flight home). If I were to judge her current state, it would be the beginning stages of withdrawal.

We are both Christians, though I didn’t really submit myself wholly to God until a week before Christmas (when she dropped the 2nd trip bombshell on me), so I’m pretty much a newbie with lots of “looking in the windows” experience Christian.


I brought up the NC letter again Saturday night, and she said she was working on getting up the resolve to write it, and more importantly, the resolve to stick with it. I have been reluctant to push the issue because the NC letter is useless if she doesn’t really want to write it.

There were 3 big conditions that I gave her before she went on the 2nd trip. One of these was NC, and I wanted a NC letter. It’s the only condition that has yet to be fulfilled. I have not specifically told her what I would (or would not do) in the absence of the NC letter, though I have had to give that some thought in the last few weeks. I honestly did not have anything in mind when I gave her my 3 conditions for her return (as far as what I would do if she did not fulfill those conditions).

A NC letter from me won’t do any good. Even though he was my friend, he does not respect me or our marriage (even if he says he does, and I have no idea if he has said that or not and I don’t really care). I have told MP several times that I am more than happy to assist her in NC, to the point of intervening personally if the OM does not respect her stated wishes. However, until she explicitly states No Contact forever, I see no reason to intervene. I have placed primary responsibility for NC on her, and am willing to do what I can to help. At this point, I think I have to decide what I need to do for me, in terms of myself, our marriage and our kids, in the absence of NC. Some of those paths are not pleasant to ponder at all.

She does know that the NC letter is vitally important to me. We are (and have been) in counseling since just before Christmas, both MC and IC with a good Christian counselor who is 100% pro-marriage. There are a lot of issues we need to work through (both individual and marital). I have learned the devastation that some of my actions and desires wreaked on her and our marriage, and though I have confessed and repented and God has forgiven me, I’m a long way from ever being able to forgive myself. But that’s another chapter in this story <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As you, ForeverHers and CarenMC pointed out, it really is a matter of surrendering totally to God. I have, since late December, tried to stick to giving it all (everything) to God and then working on those things He tells me to work on, following His directions. It’s counter-intuitive to me, as I’m something of a control freak (so is MP). I have to constantly remind myself of the things I’ve seen God do in the last few weeks – the places where He has succeeded where I at best made no change, and often made things worse.

ForeverHers, I will make it a point to set aside some time today to study and meditate on Psalm 23. I’ve found a lot of encouragement, for both MP and myself in Psalm lately, which is kind of ironic because prior to all this, I never saw much purpose in that book. Psalm 60 was one of the first ones I came across when I got serious about being a Christian and the spiritual head of my household, and it’s kind of become my battle cry (when I have the strength to utter one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Despite the recent setback (and it was more the fact that she denied the contact to my face than the fact that it had occurred, though the contact was in itself bad enough), I do have a firm belief and faith that our marriage will survive this, will be restored and rebuilt. In those times that I can quiet myself down enough to actually listen to God, that is the message I hear. Unfortunately, He has not seen fit to tell me exactly when this will happen. I have found, in this situation, that I can be severely lacking in patience.

It is, as you both indicated, a day by day process. As our pastor is fond of saying, following God is a daily choice. Everyday we choose to submit (or not) to the Lord.

Tonight (hopefully) we will have the opportunity to sit down and discuss our schedule. I told her I want to try and apply the POJA on this, so we can come to something that is mutually acceptable. Too often in our marriage one of us has gotten our way, leading to resentment and bitterness on the part of the other. Not healthy. I will have to give some thought today to how to bring up how vitally important the NC letter (and NC) is – both to me and to our relationship.

Is it possible to POJA something like a NC letter? Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments and especially angry outbursts are 3 LBs of mine that have stripped my wife of her ability to trust me with her feelings, wants and desires. I do not want to go down that road again, and have had a really tough time containing my frustration/anger (mainly because of the stress of her work schedule and the impact on me). Words cannot adequately express my absolute terror at the thought of ever having another angry outburst. So I’d really like to use the POJA for the NC issue.

I believe the desire is there, but the willpower is still lacking. Contact is way, way, way, way down from what it was, but it does need to be nil. She’s been home for just over 5 weeks now, and I really want to put this issue to rest once and for all.

Again, Mortarman, ForeverHers and CarenMC, thank you for your words of encouragement and your advice. I feel better than I have in 2 days (though a long way from whole), and can now see my way again to giving it all back to God (as my wife suggested last night). It’s not easy, and I hope I can stop taking the wheel back because I’m getting really tired of driving off the cliff every time I do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

very Hallmark-y

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No. POJA is for a husband and a wife. Your wife isnt being a wife yet...she is still a WW.

Now, why have an angry outburst on the NC thing? you just keep saying that she has to send it. Period. look, this isnt a part of recovery. It isnt a part of marriage. The NC thing is a part of ending the affair so the recovery can start and the marriage can change and resume. She will think it is a no big deal! But, you arent in recovery BB if you still require the NC letter.

This aint about her, BB. She has to surrender first. That means OM gone forever (with the letter you require). But you dont have to blow up over it. You have to continue to tell her that until she can do this, reconciliation and recovery are not possible. It is what you need, and she should do what she has to in order to meet that need.

On a Biblical front, she is yoru wife. Which means, she should be submitted to you on this decision. She should send the letter because you have asked her to do so. That alone should be reason enough. Remember, a wife who is in rebellion to her husband...is in rebellion to God. God does not make a distinction between the two.

You dont have to be nasty about any of this. But you have to be firm.

In His arms.

We did talk again last night after the kids were in bed. I wanted her to understand, or at least hear from me, how this weekend's incident affected me. The contact was an issue with me, but it paled in significance to the fact that she lied to me about it, and when caught red-handed (so to speak), she still didn't come 100% clean until the next night.

I can't speak for her, but for me that incident sent me pretty much back to square one. I reiterated to her that a NC Letter was one of the conditions/boundaries I set for her return. Until that letter is written and sent, I see a huge door open for problems to continue/reappear, and it's hard for me to focus on us when I feel my flank is exposed.

I told her I wanted the NC Letter, and it has to come from her. The OM is not going to listen to anything I say, as I firmly believe that he has no respect for me (or our marriage). The responsibility for NC is hers. I cannot make her do it, and I cannot prevent OM from attempting to contact her.

Once the letter is done (with my approval) and sent, I will do anything I can to help her maintain NC. The responsibility will still be hers, but if the OM refuses to respect her letter, I will intervene on her behalf if she so desires.

After a few minutes (not sure how long, but it seemed long) of uncomfortable silence, she finally agreed to write the letter. I asked her when she would get it done, and she said in the next couple of days.

As I told her last night (this entire post is pretty much a summary of last night's conversation), I'm not asking her to guarantee me she'll stay in the marriage. All I'm asking is that she give us a fair and honest chance, and work with me on our marriage. It is my firm belief that if we give ourselves a fair and honest chance, and work on this, we will emerge on the other side with a better marriage than we could ever have imagined. She can't give us that fair and honest chance if the OM is in any way in the picture.

I also thanked her for committing to the NC Letter, and told her again that I do love her. Then I took a walk to think some things through and to give her some space, since I figured we'd ratcheted the tension up enough for one evening.

I'm pretty sure I was calm but firm (I don't recall getting angry). I'm also pretty sure that I didn't make or imply any threats (i.e., write the letter or....). I did try to outline my concerns and possible consequences for us down the road. I really hope I didn't LB there.

So now I guess I continue with Plan A?

Yes, continue with Plan A. And give her until the end of the week to write that letter. Then revisit it this weekend and make sure it is done.

This is good. You did very well with her. Keep this up.

In His arms.

Last night, after my talk with MP, I took a walk to try and sort some things out. I wound up having one of my "out-loud" talks with God (if anybody ever sees me walking around doing that they're going to think I'm daft or something, but so be it. It works for me.).

I was going over the good advice I got yesterday on this thread, and was able to gain (or regain) some perspective on things. I think.

As I understand it, the central issue is to submit wholly and completely to God, and to trust Him in all things, knowing that He is faithful to us. I started thinking about where I had been (emotionally) the last couple of days...struggling with a lot of hurt, anger, bitterness, etc. It all stems from things that I cannot either directly control or are in the past and cannot be changed.

So I had a choice. I could continue to dwell on those things I have no control over, or give them to God and work on the things that I can control, following His guidance and prompting. Continuing to dwell on those things that I cannot control is counter-productive. It brings to the surface all those negative emotions, and more importantly it wears me down emotionally and diverts energy that I can better use to do positive things (like Plan A and doing my part to restore our marriage).

In other words, I was getting distracted and sinking fast, as Peter did. Last night, I told MP that the incident over the weekend was causing me to put energy into dealing with all the negative stuff that I could better put to use working on recovery. During my walk and conversation with God, I realized that was not an entirely fair thing to say.

Yes, her actions were wrong. Yes, her actions caused me a huge amount of pain. But - how I react to her reactions is my responsibility, not hers. (This does not relieve her of the responsibility for her actions in anyway, and I'm not making excuses for her.)

Therefore:

A. I cannot directly control what my wife does or does not do.
B. I cannot undo the past - my actions or hers or others.
C. I can control how I react to the present and past.

If A, B, and C are true, then it follows that:

1. There is no value in dwelling on my feelings in regards to present or past circumstances or events.
2. I cannot dismiss these feelings (at least not easily) - but I can give them to God. Along with everything else.

I have asked God to take away the pain and heal the hurt, but until last night was I never gave it to him. I realized it was bringing me down and reducing my "combat effectiveness" in this spiritual battle. I think there's a verse somewhere about casting your problems on God, but I don't know where.

My mantra since I got serious about my walk with God has been to give everything to Him, and then work on those things He directs me to, according to His instructions. Apparently, I still have a ways to go in giving Him everything.

My resolve is strengthened once again. When the negative emotions come up, I now give them to God right away, lest I start to sink again. I do not know the future, but I do know God is faithful and true. I have seen His hand at work many times in the last few weeks. I need to step back, let Him fully in, and (to paraphrase Mortarman), rest in His arms.

As Mortarman said, Christ commanded us "to love one another as He has loved us." This is the attitude I need to stay focused on with my wife. Sure, she has hurt me. I have hurt her, in ways that rip me apart to think about. But everyone on this planet, living, dead, and unborn, has, is or will hurt our Lord so much worse than anything we experience. Christ bore the pain of all of our sins. As a Christian who loves God, as a husband who loves his wife very dearly, can I do no less than to follow Christ's commandment and example?

I know I cannot do this on my own...events from this weekend proved that to me (again). I can do it with God's help - but to truly realize the full potential of His help and strength, I have to yield control completely to Him. That is much easier said than done, but that is what I want to do.

This is pretty long-winded, and I apologize if I've put anyone to sleep (warning: drooling on keyboards can cause electrical shock <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). This is what I worked out in my head last night during my talk with the Father, and it is based in no small part on the advice and wisdom I have received in this thread. Thank you.

FH -

Thanking you for pointing Psalm 23 out to me. I read it several times last night. Today, verse 1 has really been on my mind:

"The Lord is my sheperd, I shall not want." (NKJV)

Such a simple sentence, but so important. It really spoke to me. In even just this one verse, I can see much information and inspiration. It really summed up the points you, Mortarman and CarenMC made yesterday.

The Lord is my sheperd. In my Bible, Lord is capitalized, which means it's a translation of the Hebrew covenant name for God (not sure if that's the same as Yaweh or not). "The Lord is..." Now and forever...He will always be my sheperd, all I need to do is follow Him. Not just any Lord, but the one true God, the Creator of everything. He can do anything He desires, yet He is willing to reach down to me, guide me, protect me, discipline me, and have fellowship with me. That's pretty awesome when you stop to really think about it.

"I shall not want." This is not "want" in the modern consumer society sense. Another word (in my Bible) is "lack". To me it means I shall not be lacking or wanting anything that I need (and indeed the Bible is full of examples were God blesses people with more than they need).

To me, the rest of Psalm 23 illustrates the various ways God will act as our sheperd, providing examples, so to speak, of how we shall not want. Our needs will be met.

I hope I didn't read anything into it that I shouldn't have. Really reading the Bible is fairly new to me, and I'm conscious of the potential to misinterpert what it means to suit my own personal agenda.

It was a very encouraging Scripture for me, and it has been dominant on my mind most of the day. Thank you again for directing me to it.

Do you mean I should tell her she has until this weekend to write it, or that I should wait until this weekend to revisit it (if she doesn't bring it up).

Currently the "couple of days" would go through tomorrow night (Wednesday).

FH -

One last thing (then I'll be quiet for a little while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).


I need to keep this in mind too. As my dad used to say, "Don't borrow trouble before it comes."

My wife made mention of this fact a few days ago (referencing the Sermon on the Mount, IIRC). Funny how even in her current torn state she can still point out when my feet leave the Spiritual path. I'll have to write that down on my list of things I love about her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you've got it!


BB...you are getting it!!!!


Folks, look at BB. He has got it! You see, this is also what MB principles are set-up on. As Dr. Harley states, he concentrates on the future and not so much on the past. BB...it took me quite awhile to figure out what you and the Lord came up with last night.


As do we all!


It was the reason you were created, BB. He wants you there...as He desires that relationship with you.


Welcome to being a husband, BB! I know how you are feeling too. When I first realized all of this, I was overwhelmed. But then a new feeling overcame me. It was one that was "this is what I was designed for...built for." Cant you feel now inside that this all fits, that what you are saying just feels right? That everything about you as a man and a husband was designed to fulfill this role?


I didnt really mean to tear up your post with my comments, as what you said was dead on and so many of us Christians need to realize what you have here. But I had to chime in because I just love it when Jesus reveals more to someone. It is the fun part of being with Him...it is watching the Lord at work. Pretty awe inspiring.

BB...your using Peter was great! But remember, it wasnt that Peter needed to try harder to be with Christ or to let Him lead. It was just that Peter needed to keep his eyes on Jesus at all times. That's it. No effort necessary. No rules to remember or commandments to memorize. With our eyes on Him, we cannot possibly fail.

EVER!

In His arms.

Dont look like you are standing over here...understand? give her a few days...and then a day or two more. Thats why I said you should revisit this weekend. Then, she cannot say "Oh I meant to but had too many things come up" etc. You just come up to her this weekend and ask if the letter is ready yet. If she hasnt done it, then you ask her to sit down and do it then. Of course, I hope you have told her that you need to review it before it is sent. It should have nothign said in there about love or anything mushy. should be matter-of-fact that she is home working on her marriage and that OM is not to contact her in this life.

Hope that helps.

In His arms.

I am getting it, but I'm more worried about keeping it. I wanted to reply in length to your post, but haven't had the time, and unfortunately things just got a little more tense.

Having had my wife lie to me last weekend pretty much zeroed out my trust in her. Tonight while she was at work, I was able to check her GMail account on the downstairs computer.

The Saturday cell phone call was not the first contact - she had e-mailed him on Friday. There was also a thread from Monday and Tuesday. I printed them out, and when she got home tonight I asked her if the call on Saturday was the only contact since she had told him not to contact her for 2 years a couple weeks back. She said yes. I asked her "No e-mails? No new voice mails?" No, she said. No new contacts.

I then handed her the print-outs of the recent e-mails.

I did not suffer any angry outbursts, though I may have had some DJs and selfish-demands in the following conversation. I told her that I will not continue to allow her to take advantage of me or abuse me indefinately. I am not asking her to promise she'll stay with me - I'm asking her to give me an honest effort. I'm willing to bet she (and I) will be surprised at how well things will work out.

I told her that God commands me to love her (unconditionally), but that I also choose to love her. And God commands her to submit to me (not in a lesser being kind of way). If we give this an honest chance, and it doesn't work out, then we can look our kids in their eyes and say we tried our best. If she continues to break NC, and we can't recover, then at some point I will tell the kids that the marriage failed because Mom chose another man while we were still married (ok...that's probably a DJ there).

I did do my best to not threaten her, and try and show her that I'm acting out of love, not spite. The funny thing is, I was going to post tonight asking for suggestions on how to lay out consequences for not respecting my boundaries (like NC) without making threats.

This (obviously) sucks. I have no idea where it's going to go, and it's taking a lot of effort to leave it in God's hands. The simple fact of the matter is that I love my wife very, very, very much, even though I did not show it like I should have in the past and right now she doesn't seem to understand how I can. But, despite my particular sexual sin (that I'm actively getting rid of in), I do not want to spend the rest of my life in a love triangle.

It's late here, so my thoughts are a little disjumbled. She's alseep but not very happy right now. Probably a little angry at me, and I'm betting a little frustrated with herself too, as well as the whole stupid situation.

Part of me fears I'm going to push her away, but I also realize (and am in a better place than I was 2 months ago) that I cannot continue to function in this situation, and as I told her I will not allow myself to be dragged down by this (as in emotionally wiped out).

I still see hope. Having read some of the e-mails, I can see the conflict that is inside her, and she did maintain NC for 2 weeks before this relapse, which is the longest period so far.

So now I'm kind of at the "where now?" part of this deal...again. I'm nowhere near ready to give up...but I am slightly flustered...I think. Or maybe I'm just gradually losing what's left of my mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok..it's even later, but I wanted to add a couple of things.

First, she again agreed to the NC Letter. I asked her when, and she said not tonight (I kind of figured that), but probably/possibly tomorrow before she goes to work. I told her if she wrote it, leave it at home and I would come home and look at it. If I approve of it, I will mail it to the OM tomorrow afternoon. She has the guidelines for what a NC letter should contain.

Something else she said tonight. Her walls (against me) are higher than even she thought. I told her that I'm trying to climb them as fast as I can, and she said maybe that's part of the problem.

Is it possible to be to aggressive in Plan A? I'm doing everything I can think of to meet her needs and address my problems. Kind of like a shotgun effect. Perhaps I need to back off some and let her adjust both to the end (I hope) of the affair and the changes in me. The changes in me, based on what she perceives, are pretty sweeping and happened pretty fast (never doubt the power of God). Maybe I need to throttle back? I don't want to throttle back too much though.

I do fear losing her, though in reality I already have. I did tell her that my fear of losing her is because I truly do want her, and our kids, to be one family, and not out of some fear of breaking another promise or karma coming to bite me in the butt (both of those are long stories, one dealing with my mother's suicide and the other with previous relationships I had), which is one of the things she cited before Christmas as being a problem with the foundation of our marriage.

I should probably go to bed. That or write some more code, since I'm even farther behind my project work now (I had planned to get a good 2-3 hours in tonight).

At least she was willing to let me pray with her tonight. She didn't want to pray, but she was willing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Final aside...now that I now there was contact - initiated by her - the day before the cell phone call, I don't feel quite so much like I blew it by not getting up to pray with her Saturday morning. On the other hand, I'm now desparately searching within myself to see if there's sin that I haven't acknowledged and confessed that may be negatively impacting my prayer efforts. Right...I'm starting to go in circles now. I think I'll go to sleep.)

Bird,
I just wanted to thank you for your post on my thread. It meant a lot to me. It really did. I responded to it, too, but that was before I read about these latest developments. I don't really know what to say. Bummer, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you would be wise to continue a "gentle" plan A as opposed to an "aggressive" plan A. Sort of -- let her observe what a fabulous husband you can be from the safety of her side of "the wall"... rather than making her feel under seige by trying to scale that wall or put a cannon ball through it. As you know, withdrawl is such a painful process, and now that there's been contact, it's starting all over again.

Hope you're able to get some sleep this weekend. It's so hard to think clearly and keep your emotions in check when you're exhausted. Please remember to be good to YOURSELF.

--SC