basically my husband and i were in a great marraige for 15 years. i found him to be cheating on me for 1.5 years x-mas 2004. we have been through ***** and back, moved to 10 hours away from her, and he still can't choose. i became frustrated upon finding he had gone to see her, told him i wanted no further contact, and went away for a few days. as soon as i was back he was here to see me, hold me etc. this was one week ago. then he emailed me a letter stating that he asked her to move in with him while i was away. but he will never stop loving me and he never fell out of love with me and all that jazz. what do i do? hellllp

Well MrsKagy, can you give a little more background information?

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair?

Is the Other woman married?

Where did he meet her, does he work with her???

God Bless,

-Caren

the other woman was in her second marriage when they started the affair. we were friends as a couple. he and she seemed to have friendship outside of the four of us, i didn't not like it and discussed with both of them. he stepped back, she did not. then a couple of years later they were having an affair. he says he loves both of us, is in love with both of us. her husband left and took the kids at least a year or more ago. she is leaving them to move here to be with him. once we moved here in november there should have been no contact, she lives 10 hours away. but there was some. he refuses counselling, says he has turned into a liar and a cheat and is not the man i loved. i see that man, but he won't let him out. i haven't had a chance to read the books you suggested yet. just found out about this site. i just don't know what to do to stop all this.

I understand. Everything seems out of control right now.....been there, done that.

You just have to slow down, read everything you can, and start being PROactive rather than REactive.

Most WS refuse counseling, and even if they agreed to it, it would be pointless while the affair is ongoing.

I also heard the "I've changed...I'm a different person....this is how I am now...." bullcrap. It's just another tool to try to drive you away. It's pretty standard Wayward Spouse talk.

You are going to need to start a fierce Plan A (You can read about what that entails on this site). It's basically finding out what your Wayward Husband's (WH) emotional needs are and then begin filling them. The object of this is to make your marriage a viable alternative to the affair.

He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he's addicted to this other woman. She is filling needs that were going unmet in your marriage. Now, don't take that as your fault, you're not a mind reader, you just need the tools to turn it around.

You are in the right place hon.

God Bless,

-Caren

why are you waiting for him to choose? you have choices also......

take him to a psychologist.