I was at a workshop last weekend and had to do an excerise. Something that would free us.

I've never been introduced to the OW/W. I forgave my xH for the PA that was the demise of our marriage, didn't realize that that didn't include her til last weekend.

So for my excerise for the workshop I chose to call her and offer my forgiveness. I figured, that the stress between the x and myself could be coming from this. So I called spoke with the x and explained what it was I was needing to do. He said that she wasn't there and that she'd be there in 30 minutes or so, said that I would call back.

I did. X said that she did not want to talk with me, I explained again that this was coming from mty heart and that if we could put this past us that the three of us could move forward and better co-parent and be there for the kids. He said not now, perhaps at a later time. I said perhaps and good night!

What would cause her to not want my forgiveness? Even though she did not visit with me, I still felt that a huge weight was lifted from me, I guess I don't have to have her acknowledge my forgiveness for me to still give it, if that made any sense to anyone!!!!

Just thought that I would share!!! I've spent a week thinking about this and it's time to let 'r go!!!!

Dawn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hmm... Why are you offering the other woman forgivess?

Has she repented? Has she made a commitment to never chase after another woman's husband again? Has she asked for your forgiveness?

I suspect the answer to these questions is a big 'NO'. So why offer her forgivness. She clearly does not want or deserve it.

You must let go of any anger, bitterness, and such that you have about the affair. But, forgive her? I think not.

If the other party does not deserve forgiveness, then turn forgiveness over to God, a higher power, or similar and go on with your life.

I think the idea that we have to forgive people who don't want it, don't aske for it and don't deserve it is not healthy.

I agree with JE.

But... it looks YOU needed (another, hopefully the last) closure, so... if that made YOU feel better (and free!) - who cares what she thinks at all?!

I've heard that forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as about ourselves. It's about releasing all the anger, pain, sadness, etc. we have held inside towards another person. We are the ones suffering with those feelings. The other person may not care, may deny it, or may not recognize any need to be forgiven.

In offering forgiveness, it's like cutting that neg. energy attached to the other person. Letting it go. Closing the door. Accepting the "loss". Now there is no energy leaching off to the other person. You're free to move on knowing you've done all you could to heal the situation.

I think this is particularly healthy when there are children involved. The co-parenting can get really nasty with all the anger flying around. You can't control others, but you can release the anger coming from your end of things.

I think that "forgiveness", when not asked for, can really bug the other person because they feel they have done no wrong. Or, they may feel guilt about what they did, but won't acknowledge it even to themself. They're not going to acknowledge or accept any indication that they may have been in the wrong. The OW may also have been lead to believe that the ex-wife was such an awful person. This might justify the affair in her mind. Afterall, who would expect a man to want to be with that "awful wife" of his! Now that "awful wife" is trying to make peace. How dare her!

"Forgiveness" isn't "forgetting". It's a choice to make peace with someone/something and move forward.

I've been thinking of writing ex's gf, not offering forgiveness but something else.

I have no proof she was an ow, I suspect, but not proof.

What I've been thinking of doing is writing her telling her I'm grateful my boys like her & for the fact she & her family seem to welcome them. I don't know if I'll do it but the thought is there.

Dawn,

Well, for starters, if she accepted it and talked to you she would have to somewhere in her little heart admit fault. People involved in affairs are selfish prideful creatures, why would she want to admit fault?

As another suggested, some we can only forgive in our hearts and release the bondage of anger and hate. That is at the root what forgiveness is all about. You don't forgive someone because they repent against you. You forgive so that you are released from the unhealthy emotions and if you are going from a Religous perspective, you forgive because you have faith that your Father will deal with it.

Hi Dawnie -


DING DING DING DING DING!!

Right answer!!!!!!

Not only can she not admit she did anything wrong, she can't even PRETEND to!

'Nuff said. Don't try again.

Exactly my thoughts WAT! By accepting this gift of forgiveness by Dawn - OW would have to take a peek into that mirror. Sounds like she's not ready yet.

FR

Daybreak, I think Heartmending may have a point. Don't take it personally (I know hard to do). You really don't know what she has been told about you and your intentions. You don't really know how she may perceive your heartfelt apology. Could she believe that it is a way to manipulate your x? or a dig at her? We just don't know.


Let her have a week to think about this too. It probably came as a total shock to her that you would want to speak to her. Remember your intentions for speaking with her where filtered through your X. If you really want validation for your heartfelt acceptance, could you write her a small note directly to her without going through your X and have her think about it?

If not, take this as a cathartic exercise on your part in an attempt to heal and get healthy. You did wonderfully.

I love you guys!!!!!

So many have said what was in my heart!!!!

I offered the forgiveness, I am done with it. It ws mine to give, I gave! It is up to her to accept or decline it.

I feel better for doing it, and it is what God would have done, so I am following a good teacher.

I just always wonder what is going on in someone elses mind. Kind of Why did they do that? I work with High School kids and in my job I have to help them figure out why they misbehaved. Sometimes it is very apparent and others we have to dig around awhile or go to a proffesional.

Thank you all for your responses, I did feel a huge weight lifted from me and have been able to do so many other things this past week, I didn't realize how much I was allowing something to control my actions.

Dawn

daybreak, It's pretty much all been said already, but I'd just like to add something I learned at a grief recovery workshop I attended a few years ago. A big part of the process they taught was writing letters of forgiveness to those who'd hurt us as a way to release the pain. But the letters were for us (and the group in this case), NOT for the other person.

The leader stressed that we NEVER offer forgiveness to a person we're forgiving because offering forgiveness is ALWAYS experienced as an attack. It didn't make sense to me at first, but I had to think how I'd feel if someone from my past came to me and offered forgiveness to me for... whatever. The reason it would feel unpleasant could vary. We see things from our own perspective, not the other person's and we may feel like the "victim" ourselves.

In fact, FOW may never know the pain she caused unless/until your XH cheats on her, and honestly, I don't wish that pain on anyone!