I do not know what to say. I have been married for less than a year and I have found out just a couple of days back; in fact my wife in an emotional moment where she broke down confessed that she had a relationship with a guy during her college days. She was supposed to marry the boy and she had sex with him for a whole year before realizing that he was not the one for her. Then she met another chap with whom she explored a possible relationship, but she didnt get sexual involved except basic petting.

Then we met and she told me that there had been other guys in her past. She did state however that the relationships had not been sexually active. She claimed to be a virgin before our wedding. I kept my virginity as a gift for her .. it was hard - I had many a chance to give myself to other women but I stayed a virgin because I believed that it was the most precious thing I could give my wife. Now she is with my child and I do not know what to do. I know she loves me and I loved her .. now I do not know what to feel. It just hurts. How should I react? I am a person with conservative traditional values .. I believe in one woman for life. I always dreamed of my wife and me as an ideal couple. Now when I think of touching her, all i can think of is that other guy taking her virginity and then having sex with her for a whole year. It was in the past, but its now a fact in my present. How do i behave? She has an innocent angel in her womb and I crave for my child, but I cant help but feel that my poor angel is in that same place where that other guy put his thing. He took and she gave away my entire values and belief and respect for her in just a few words in which she told of her having done something in days gone by. How do i behave? How do i act? What do I do and what should i feel? How can i heal .. How can i love my wife the same again? Help me .. I need to forget and forgive .. How can I?

Ok she thought this other guy might be the one and so she slept with him, but if she thought he was the one that also means they had a connection and a bond. Emotional intimacy should bother you more than pyshcial intimacy. I grew up in a very conservative, catholic home so I understand where you are coming from. But remember she was young, in college and thought she was in love, he may have her virginity but you have her, you have her heart and her love. The two of you are about to become parents think about what your love has created, a person, and thank God for that. Be thankful that even though she wasn't a virgin sex is sacred to her, she only slept with the boy b/c she thought they would marry. When you are young you are impetutious, you make mistakes but she loves youand only you. The fact that she felt she had to tell you that she wasn't a virgin shows her devotion and committment. Life isn't perfect but it seems like it when you have the person you love. Knowing what you know now would you rather you didn't marry her? i doubt it you sound sincere and your relationship is so much more than just physical, focus on your love, all you have shared and will share. I am sure your first time was special and thats what matters, not if she was a virgin. I think if you stop focusing on that and think about why you love her eventually you will find the fact that she had 1 partner who she thought she would marry is not that bad. He got her virginity, you got her eternal love and devotion, her child, her heart, her companionship and a life time of making love...looks like good to me

what the ****** are you talking about dude, what do you mean how do you behave? how do you act?

you keep loving her just as you always have. Forgiving her for lying to you about having sex? She was probably afraid you wouldn't accept her if you knew. So prove her wrong and destroy her fears and accept her.

Huh? What are you talking about? Took your respect for her?

Do you really love her or just her virginity?

*******************edit********************

Thx for understanding bride2b. I am a catholic too. The way I was brought up; wouldnt have ever married my wife if i knew before my wedding. It would be adultery for me, cause her having sex with that chap would mean that she would have to marry him. The sanctity of sex within marriage. That is/was what i believe. Now that i wed her, and we are living as man and wife .. I cannot leave her .. first and foremost .. I love her dearly .. second .. divorce is never an option .. i need to make it work .. third .. my baby. I know it may seem quite hypocritical to say I love her and yet dwell on the bygones .. its the hurt side of me tat doesnt understand that she has confessed her sins both at church & to me and obtained forgiveness. I ache .. feel quite lost. Shadpoo n Hanzo .. u might think that I am a sham or loser .. but u do haveto live in my world and then u'd understand how different it is. I am not a liberal .. in my family .. pre-marital sex is as taboo as incest. Her family was the same too. The reason she had sex was only .. n only because she truly believed that she would wed the chap. My problem lies in the fact that its a catch 22. I can nevh leave my wife (for reasons mentioned above) .. and yet for now .. everytime i come near her I recall her sexual escapades - i see my visualizations of her experiences and they are gory. We value virtue as a wonderful thing. Its ancient and antiquated in today's environ, but I still think it is/was a good thing. Getting over it .. will take me time .. for now .. i have my baby .. I still feel the love when i hold my wife .. but I cannot bring myself 2 make love to her. Its too painful deep inside of me .. the visions of what it must have been like .. n what she must think now when she is with me. She cannot forget the feelings .. its not possible .. she cannot forget his touch .. this is what hurts me most .. not her virginity so much .. the feelin tat she will know his touch always. I believe that makin religion n ur family the base and most imp part of ur life is a necessity. But with such feelings n thoughts .. how do I get thru my everyday? Guyz again .. its my world .. it may differ from urs ... I have her love .. i have her .. i have her fidelity .. that is what i have in my future. Sounds good so far. Mebbe sumday .. i will be able to get over it all .. and love her the same again. Pray 4 me.

This poem speaks it all .. its called Rock Brittle

Cool sunshine on a warm stream,
Like a cloud bursting into a content dream,
Tamed the fire did drops of ice,
Grain too many, fewer would suffice.

White did pale and crimson run,
Deed done, never to be undone.
Dwelling built on shifting sand,
Gold placed on an untrue hand.

Desire beyond the vacant panes,
Fading into a million lanes,
Softer now that wanton lust,
Days go by with none save trust.

Rend in too deep,
Shrill cries within out do seep,
Rock brittle does pretend hard,
Union diverse, a blend now marred.

- Poetic Cyrano

PaulS,

Let's review a bit of what you have said and I will offer you some comments to consider your situation. You said
A gift is ONLY a gift if it is given freely with no expectation of recompense. You did not stay a virgin for HER, you did it because you felt that it was what YOU wanted to do. It was part of your moral code to do this. It was NOT part of her moral code to be a virgin when she married you. You cannot blame her for not being a virgin. You can blame her for not telling you the truth.

Now let's consider this would you love her IF you knew she was not a virgin? Are you worried that you don't compare? Do you know why virginity was so important in times past? The last one you really need to understand. It was a very functional expectation really. Us guys could NOT know if a child born of our union with our W was ours. Now we can know these things. Recall in the biblical days and up until the last 50-100 years such knowledge was NOT ours to have a males, it is now.


Do you love your W? Did you promise to love her for the rest of your life? Then son what you do is love this woman, it really is that simple and I will explain why in a moment.

I think you love her but you are confused not by the fact that she was not a virgin, but by the fact that she deceived you? If push comes to shove, isn't that the truth? The lie is something you two have to address and make sure that your marriage is based on honesty, openness, love, AND forgiveness.



I think I just answered this question, but whether you are of conservative values are so liberal and openminded that you brains fall out, honesty is still required in a marriage. Address the honesty issue for that is key to a great marriage, her virginity is not. YOu can choose to make it a big issue, or you can choose to make your marriage a major focus.


You may well be, and you surely can be, but let me tell you something I KNOW for a fact. Neither of you are perfect, neither of you will go through life without making mistakes, neither of you can or could see the future. I am guessing she never thought she would fall in love with a man such as yourself, but she did. If you are devote in your religion and I am assuming you are Christian, although frankly most religions feel the same way, FORGIVENESS, is a major part of your faith. Religion is sooo important because we are NOT perfect, we can only strive to be. Your marriage is not perfect or even ideal, you and your W can only strive to make it as close as possible. Paulsouza, you married a human being, I don't think casting stones will honor your faith very much.

First of all he did NOT take anything. The important things he could not take and that was her heart and her love. He did not get a thing, except something physical. You asked "How do I behave." Well if I were you I would behave as a man that has been blessed to find a woman I loved and who loves me. She did NOT make the choice blindly and that is in many ways a good thing. She may or may not know more than you about the physical aspects of sex, instead of seeing what has happened as a failure, use it to make your marriage, and yes your sex life better. Talk to her about these things, but in the spirit of becoming an even better H to her.

Son, time will tell many things. The one that I would be discussing with her is the concept of honesty. You NEED her to be honest with you, even when she feels it might hurt you. This site is filled with severely damaged marriage because people were not honest with each other even when it hurt the other person. It is clear that this has been weighing on her mind, so you KNOW she understands that her lie to you was wrong. That is a good thing. You can punish her for her honesty OR you can thank her and encourage to trust you enough to be honest for the rest of your marriage.


Well, if your religious believes encourage vengful thoughts and punishing YOURSELF for the actions of others before they met you, then go ahead and create even more images in your mind to poison your marriage. But, if you are a man of God as you claim, it is time for you to step up and realize you have/had no control over her actions before you met.


Of all of the things you have said, and most I have been very sympathetic to, this LAST statement makes me wonder if you even understand what faith is. IF you are truly a man of deep convictions, strong morals, then there is NO WAY on God's Green Earth, that she could do or have done what you just stated. If you only use religion to cover your insecurities, then perhaps you need to let go of everything you claim to believe because your believe is rooted in self-serving thoughts. It is your call, but your W has not and cannot remove your values or even your belief in her. Please think very very carefully about this, you are letting your emotions control your thoughts in ways that may make you feel good as a martyr, but they are not conducive to a good life.


You can do all of these things with time, open and honest conversation with your W, and the understanding that you have been blessed with a child that you will love and cherish and raise with your W as you and she promised when you married.

If you want to leave no one will stop you, but don't blame it on her or this child, or even your religion. This will be YOUR choice, and that gift you gave her... it won't and apparently does not mean much does it? That is because it was not a gift, it was apparently a barginning tool used to bash someone that loves you.

So you decide, was it a gift or not? Are you a man of faith or not? Do you honor your commitments and vows or not? Can you find it in your heart to be a forgiving man or not? Are you who you seem to think you are or not? Look inside yourself, for she is NOT the problem now.

Please think very very carefully about what I have said. You and your W have the potential to have a long, fruitful, and very loving marriage. Your call.

God Bless,

JL

Thank u JL.

I am a catholic and I do understand now that .. I am an insecure fool who doesnt realize what he has against what he thinks he cud have had, just cause he wanted it.


The best part of your mail was when you called me "Son". My father is a man who I consider a living saint. He may have flaws and may have made mistakes, but he has been the most loving, compassionate, helpful and supportive father, husband, son and friend. I can and could talk to him about all my life's troubles and he would just make them seem insignificant and everything would feel alright. But this one time .. I cannot tell him what I feel. Knowing him, he will carry on to explain to me how it all was in the past etc. but I cannot even think about puttin the seed of this thought in his head. If he knows how badly I took this, he would be quite floored. I cannot do tat to my father. When you did use the word "son", it helped me listen to your words with a lesser defensive and hurt approach. What you have said makes sense, especially as I see now that I am infact hurting & punishing myself for something done in a time and mindset unaffected by my existance.

I must tell you that my W and I have continued to speak most lovingly, the reason being that my love for her has'nt diminished and I respect her love for me and her desire to be true and honest with me. Guess that in itself should clear up her past and I should look at a better future with her.

I promised to love her and be true to her in the good times and the bad. I do realize that the stage I am going thru doesnt relate to either state as its the past and not an element of the present. I do realize that wallowing in this will ruin my marriage and the future of my children, whereas just letting it go will help clear the way for better understanding, honesty, a successful marriage and parenthood.

My gift to her .. was now in retrospect .. a barter tool. I give u mine .. u give me urs. I guess I hoped to get what I wanted from her by giving her an equivalent. Guess it wasnt a gift at all.

You are right, she is not the problem now, my own personal insecurity is, will work on it. Need to get over it. I have commitments and vows to honor, and a loving wife to love back. There is nothing to forgive, she earned that the moment she repented. Her lie .. she earned forgiveness for that the moment she entrusted her entire life in my hands with the truth. I cannot leave my wife, in spite of all that i have said n feel, I really love her and my baby that is coming. I know my wife loves me completely and that she realizes her mistakes and tat she wants to share an honest marriage with me. I want that too. I also know that she more than anyone else will teach our children the right path. The only thing now is for me towards what you so rightly stated.


That God bless that followed at the end of ur mail, would have been my father's exact line. He always sez "God bless".

So JL, Thank you again.

Paulsouza,

Just a few thoughts for you to consider. You said
Sort of like your W has been right? She has flaws and has made some mistakes, but...she has been loving, compassionate, helpful, and supportive right? Paul, when you see that often it is what people do inspite of their flaws that defines them, I really do think a lot of this will vanish from your mind.

I will tell you that there will come a time when you will mess up, perhaps big, perhaps small, perhaps a bunch of smalls, and you will hope that your W is even more like your Dad than you realize now. I think it is time you emulated your Dad as well. Take people at face value, and let their actions speak for them.

I am glad that you realized what I was saying No, probably not, but what you can give her is what your father has given you and shown you. Further, your W has a gift for you as well IF you will accept it and cherish it...her and her love for you.

You then said
Paul, you are a lucky man, a very lucky man. Enjoy the gift YOU have been given. And when your children grow to adults offer them what your Dad and your W have offered and taught you.

I think you have this figured out now. Oh! one last thing to remember...Your W chose YOU. You are blessed.

God Bless,

JL

You know what PS? I was in the sitch of your W, and I can promise you that after 13 years of M that what you fear (as quoted above) is NOT the case. I don't remember xBF, don't think of him, don't "feel his touch always"... time passes, we move on.

I thought my H had only been with one or two girls when we married, found out I was WAY WAY WAY underestimating after the wedding, and it was devastating. Found out 13 years in that he cheated too since our engagement. Also devastating. BUT, you need to do what you can do to shore up your marriage so that you don't have to deal with infidelity in the future. If you think the current realization is hard...

Read the info on this site about emotional needs, work thru His Needs/Her Needs with your W. Be excited about the baby. You W wasn't honest with you at first, that's bad. That's a cancer in the marriage. But she was honest with you now! Rejoice in that because it means you can build a marraige based on acceptance and honesty.

We have all sinned, we are ALL impure, we ALL need forgiveness. I know this is a painful thing to work through. But don't make the mistake of putting "the sanctity of sex within marriage" on a higher pedestal than other sin... judgement, anger, resentment, and so on. Don't let your heart become hardened toward your wife or toward God.

MSA