Just got off the phone to the W. Another 2 hour conversation..... I don't even know who this woman is anymore. She is so lost and I feel so bad for her but at the same time it is slowly killing me. <P>I called her today and she had no real reaction to my e-mail to her. She said "I must have missed something... What was there to respond to?" Ouch.... She is still full speed ahead for a divorce, she said the only reason why she hasn't filed is because of financial reasons... More ouch. <P>She said her motivation for going on a date last weekend was because she could. Kind of like why climb a mountain ? Because it's there. I don't understand that reasoning... She did say she intends on going out on more dates. When I told her that hurts me and that she is a married woman she said " legally, yes " <P>I don't know what to do, She told me that everything she does or says I turn it into a positive for me and that makes her feel bad because she is trying to let me down easy. Her whole intent on sending the e-mail was for her to feel more comfortable opening a line of communication with me. She forced herself to send it so that she could feel more comfortable talking with me in the future. <P>I am more lost than ever. She is not willing right now to give us a second chance and she doesn't know why. Just how she feels. Any suggestions or comments?? I could really use some help.....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

I'm sorry Rutger. When I read your other post about the email, my first thought was that she was giving you a subtle hint, maybe I thought that because of the way I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry that I responded to you, when perhaps it would have been if I had kept my thoughts on it to myself..as I am in a big mess myself right now, and I don't think I am the best person to be dishing out advice. <BR>But on the up side of things...if there is one here, at least you know where you stand now. Of course it hurts you and it will, but now you can move on in repairing your pain, and hopefully move on slowly, one day at a time, to have have a normal, healthy life again. I wish that for all of us, where ever our paths will lead us.<BR>You're in my thoughts...<BR>~Bren~

Benna,<BR>Like you, I too saw hope in her e-mail. I read right into it. I still am unsure of her true motives, she has some serious issues to work out. <P>Your right, I do have a place to stand..... Still married to her. I am not ready to give up, She will not have it easy getting rid of me. I love her too much for that.

Sorry, Rutger, I though I saw an opening there,too. Well, ya know. Maybe there really was. Don't you guys always tell me they go back and forth a lot? In their own heads and in dealings with us? Maybe she was reaching out, but has gone back again. <P>Oh, I don't know, but I say never give up. It ain't done 'til it's done, right?<P>Hang in there. I'm pulling for you.<P>Lori

rutger, you replied to my first post and i have read your previous postings. i'm sorry she has again built up that wall. it hurts so much, but they are looking for something else also. my wife called today to tell me that she couldn't take the day off and could i take our son to school? i have volunterred to take him when needed- at the time she said it would help her alot,like he is not my concern?- i hope that with god and the support here and the deep soul-searching that i am doing everything works out ok. i said no problem, i'll take him. she replied "i didn't infer that it was a problem". when i went to tell her i was misunderstood, and that was not what i meant, i caught myself and said"you're right." no comeback. just empty air. i don't knoe if she is uncomfortable, or what. i love her, and i haven't attenede to her needs for awhile. compainionship, communication, intimacy, etc. . i pray that god will work his miracles for her and i , especially for my sons sake. prayers.

Lostva,<BR>Thank you soooooo much for responding. I hope you are feeling better today. I hope you are right, When I talk to her I feel like there is a part of her that wants to commit to our marriage but there is another part of her that just won't let her.<P>I will keep at it as long as I can. I just need to get a foot in the door. I want to show her that it can be better. She keeps saying it will never work and that we will never be happy again. I keep telling her "Your right, It won't be the same. It'll be better... " <P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

covenant,<BR>like you, I have not actually communicated with my W for some time. I hope that she will recognize that I am trying and getting better at it. Thank you for post

Rutger, it doesn't sound totally hopeless.<P>If her intent of emailing you was to "let you down easy," - then what she was saying to you is - I want to continue some sort of a relationship with you, I just don't want the responsibility of the relationship, I want to have my cake and eat it too.<P>Okay, so that isn't exactly what YOU want to hear, but listen to what she is saying here:<P>I want to have some sort of dialogue and relationship with you - platonic.<P>You gotta start somewhere, right? Don't give up hope yet.<P>No lovebusters, and learn to communicate in a different way - a way that says:<P>You are my friend. I am your friend. I understand you, (although I don't like it - leave that part out) and you understand me (she thinks she understands you).<P>Start from that point and go slower. It's good the finances won't support a divorce right now. I'd keep it that way if I could!<P>TNT

TnT,<BR>Thanks for the hope. It really is hard to stay positive during this. You are right, She does want to have some sort of communication with me but for what reason I don't know. I guess that is better than waking up to divorce papers and her disappearing. I did ask her if she wanted me to just disappear, and she actually said No. <P>So you think just becuase she can't file for divorce due to financial reasons that I should hang on ? What good is it if that is the only thing holding her back ? In her mind she is already divorced, Why not make it official ?? Don't get me wrong I still don't want it but I just wonder if I am kidding myself by believing that we are still married due to financial inability to file on her part. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

I think you MUST keep on hoping, until you decide that you don't want to anymore.<P>Did that make sense? It kind of puts you back in the drivers seat. And - it might just be the key to having your marriage back.<P>You just keep on keeping on until you can't and won't and don't.<P>I do think it is not over. Why else would she want to have some kind of conversation or relationship????<P>As in her words "I just wanted to let you down easy" - sounds like protection to me. You don't protect people you don't care about, do you? I mean - it's not just kindness. And - she is doing a lot of protecting - okay, lieing. But her lies are her ways of protecting what is left of the relationship.<P>I say just plan A her to death, and one day her eyes will open, and she'll say, "You know, that Rutger just wouldn't stop loving me. Why is that? What makes this guy tick, anyhow?"<P>And - that is when the ball is being pitched to ya, okay?<BR>

ahhhhh, That makes sense. Thank you.... I might even be able to sleep tonight. <P>OK .... continuing plan a.... I love the way you see positive stuff in almost everything. Thank you.

Rutger;<P>In Frank Pittman's Book "Private Lies" he states that people who want to be divorced get divorced no matter what!! He states that even finances doesn't stop them!!! They just want out and they find a way.<P>So I feel that if your wife truly wanted a divorce, then she would find a way. I feel that she is stalling and keeping you at bay, until she understands herself what she really wants. It her way of creating distance and so far it's working. So hang in their and NO lOVE BUSTING!<P>GMC900

GMC900,<BR>Thank you for your thoughts... I agree, It would only take about 300 bucks to get a divorce started and I think she could easily get that if she really had to. So you think she still needs some distance ??? I asked her flat out what she wanted from me or wanted me to do and she said "I don't want anything from you" More ouch..... <P>So here I sit and I am unable to sleep.... I don't know why just woke up and started thinking about everything and now I can't get back to sleep. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Rutger<P>Like others have said "I wish I were in your shoes" Nothing is stopping my wife's freight train divorce.<P>It sounds like your wife is very confused and what she wants right now is a good friend. That means you have to use your best listening skills. You want to be that friend.<BR>This sounds like a job for SHA.<P>Like TNT says keep the plan A going, don't bring up your marriage/divorce or question her about who she is with etc. You want her to know she always has you to talk to. If she does come over for her clothes, use the opportunity to spend some listening time maybe make something for her that you can share - it's not a date but it is meaningful time.

Awoken,<BR>That is a good point. I do want to be somebody she can talk to. When she comes by this Saturday I will tell her that I'm glad she chose to open a line of communication with me and that if she feels like talking to me about anything, I will be there to listen.<P>

Rutger bud - <P>Shattered here. I just saw this thread with your name on it...sorry I didn't respond any earlier.<P>The mere fact that your W is still communicating with you (2 hour phone discussion) says that, in my opinion, she is confused and ambivalent. I also agree with gmc 900 that if she really wanted a divorce, she'd get one. (Remember - if there's a will, there's a way).<P>Plan A is good advice. I think that this is still her (over)reaction to your one night stand. Did she ever bring up divorce before you had your ONS? Between you and me, if she's planning on filing because you had a fling, that's a major case of the pot calling the kettle black...<P>I wish my W's affair would end. Like awoken, I'm on my W's out-of-control divorce train and the station is very close.<P>Hang in there buddy. If you want the marriage, fight for it!!!