Where do I start? I have tried very hard recently to understand the connection, or lack of, with MB and addiction. With the help of Bramblerose and some others I have made a lot of progress over the last month or so.

I’ll explain a little. My H is addicted to stock trading on the internet. He is a former alcoholic so addiction is nothing new around here. We have a seasonal business so he has the winter to trade and sees no problem with doing so. He’s not working elsewhere, so he trades. Says this is what he wants to do for a living someday. I am sick of living with an addiction. That I have come to realize.

H doesn’t see it as an addiction. To him it is his passion, a way to make some money . It was to be his job, and that’s what he calls it and insists we all consider it as such. Trouble is, most jobs make money and there is a somewhat regular paycheck. Until 2 weeks ago, his trading account did not pay one cent towards bills or anything else. (And we've been doing this for about 7 years.) All money in there was his. We lived off what we made during the summer and then we start out in the hole every spring. I hate it.

Well, I have eliminated the Love Busters lately. No snide comments about trading, or his new rules that he makes and changes, no comments that it is really unsightly to see him in his robe at 2 pm, unshowered etc. And it has been very nice, as I feel I have detached from the drama. So, that part has been really good.

However, while doing this I have realized how disgusted I feel. The way I feel about this right now is that he thinks he has finally got me where he wants me. He thinks that since I don’t say anything about it anymore, that life is good for him. I must have accepted it and now we can get back to life as he wants it. I am happy and having a good time, getting a lot done and feeling good about it, and he interprets that as acceptance of his trading, I think.

Problem is, I have no desire to meet his needs. I’m not attracted to him in a physical way, because he is in his robe most of the time. Emotionally, since it feels like he just has his way trading and me getting happier by the day, I feel a little resentful. Yes, I’m getting happier, but he ain’t changing a thing. And I don’t expect it to. I just feel resentful about it. A little bit..not a lot. I am starting to see it for what it is...and that I can have no impact on it.

Fast forward to last night. H has been uptight because of a work/brother issue that got heated last weekend. H and his brother are working together to get a semi to go to work in the oil field for big bucks, which will be nice so we will have money for the rest of the winter. We will be out of money to pay bills by the end of this month. We bought the semi almost a month ago. His brother is at the site working for a company that will hire H on with his truck as soon as he can get there...and they are waiting and wondering. The truck needed some special stuff put on it for this job and that took a little time to get going. However, it could have been done by now, long ago actually, if it was H’s first priority. It’s not. So, as BIL is seeing this and hearing H blow up about what everybody expects of him, and how he’s just gonna do what he wants because he sick of everybody expecting so much of him (when he is the one that promised it and that is why we are “expecting” it), H’s mood has turned real bad the last week.

He is now in what I have decided to call Martyr mode. He will just keep trading and making money and hand it over to me, who expects it (to pay bills, duh) and go work on the truck till midnite everynight while everybody around him snivels and demands and expects him to keep his word. (For the record, I have long ago stopped expecting anything from him. And I don’t expect any money from his trading account...it has never been available...that is not for me.) Soon he will probably say something like “everybody complains about how much I trade but when I make some money everybody will be there with their hand out”, meaning me. I have never asked for any of it. What he “gave me” over the last 2 weeks was his idea. And I thanked him for it, told him what I was doing with it, thanked him again, etc. But it won’t be enough.

Now, add in the fact that SF has been lacking and the stage is set for me to sleep in a different room last night. First time in many, many years. It was a culmination of the last few weeks as he has stayed at his shop until late (one time it was 5:30 am) and trading all day in his robe and looking rather disheveled, and the bad mood and boom. Bad night.

Here’s what I see. H is not going to take responsibility for the way things are in his life. It is always someone elses fault that he is in a bind. I have detached from it the best I can. But it has been going on for a very long time. And I am weary. I am at the point I don’t have any feelings for him and am tired of this way of life.

He is a very selfish person. It is all about him and what he wants. I really do want out. I want peace and quiet and respect.

I can see how MB and addiction aren’t compatible in most cases. I feel like it has been used against me, as he demands his needs get met while mine continue to go unmet, and further more he is a very happy trader. His needs get met and I don’t say a word about trading, so life is good. For him. Except that now he is not getting his needs met much as I am withdrawing. I have to work hard to keep resentment out. But it is getting easier.

I think I am going to go apply for a job today. I am to the point I want to be out of the house and away from him all day. I don’t want to sit and look at this house and all I want to do but can’t because we don’t have the money to do it. I want to paint the bedroom at the office/rental so I can maybe move in to it. Really thinking about that. Looking forward to it.

Anyway, if you made it this far....please advise...anything would help. I think I need help with boundaries now....what I will and won’t accept from him. I thought he would be gone to work weeks ago and it would give the much needed break but I don’t know when he’s going.

sugarandspice...

while I appreciate the work you have been doing and that you are feeling better...

it is my opinion... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> that really what you are doing is detaching...so that fact that you are finding yourself at a place ready to throw in the towel...is not very surprising is it..?

I mean it sounds like it is exactly what you have created...

here's what I see you have done...

Well, I have eliminated the Love Busters lately. No snide comments about trading, or his new rules that he makes and changes, no comments that it is really unsightly to see him in his robe at 2 pm, unshowered etc. And it has been very nice, as I feel I have detached from the drama.

this is a good thing when done with in a cluster of actions....

but not necessarily a good thing when in solitude...

if you want to say you are in plan A....which I am not sure you are ..but for the sake of arguement lets say you plan A his addiction

removing the love buster is good...
BUT
plan a is also about engaging with your husband...and offering and finding things to do together that draws him to you...

if you just remove communication.....
then you really aren't offering him vision in to a different or new way to interact...

you're really just avoiding him

AND
more dangerously resenting him all along...

where are your actions
of cooking dinner and bringing him to the table
lighting the candles
flirting
planning date night
slobbering him up and down when he does right by you..
showering together if the robe is a issue...
etc..

can you see what I am saying..
where is the pojaing fifteen hours of together time...

you are really building up walls and detaching to the point of not caring...

you no feelings for him is because you are doing the opposite of cherishing....and avoiding...

For the record, I have long ago stopped expecting anything from him.

does this serve YOUR marriage
is this how you want to define YOUR marriage...

add in the fact that SF has been lacking
you are on a sure route for divorce if you continue down this path..
and if that is truly what you desire...then get out today...

why bother with marriage builders...
and I don't mean that in a your wasting time here...I mean it in a way that I believe there is a lot more you could and should try before walking away...

simply detaching without replacing the negative things that you don't like...and NOT finding searching and coming to cherish and adore the things you do like....is not marriage building..
it's marriage destruction....

you are only taking from relationship....and not adding to it....

will he spend time with you and have you really really tried...

this is a great time to try because if you have truly let go of the annoying stuff.....and truly believe you can interact without bringing up the trading stuff..he may find you safe enough to spend time with...and the two of you might be at a point to start rebuilding some things....

plan a is a whole big group of actions...not seperate things that suit you..
infact real plan A is ALLLLLL about meeting the WS needs and has very little of your needs even taken in to account...
except boundaries....

what do you think sugar....
are you working hard at fixing this..
or are you working hard at making it easier and easier to walk away....

ARK

Ark,
Thanks for the reply...I am thinking very hard about all you said. Give me awhile to figure out what to say...to absorb it all.

Thank you.

brilliant !!! Arkie for president

(( S & S ))

First Thanks for the wisdom too Ark.

Yes, S&S we are in very similiar sits. I see that your H got a semi, a real sore spot at my house right now.

Regarding SF, I can only say how I feel. I do not think it is a secret that I lust my WH and want SF from him so badly. But he feels no desire for me... none.... even the herbal supplements I got did not work one bit for him..... of course.

Anyway.... if my WH desired me I could not care less if he was wearing a dirty robe, dirty work clothes... I see him as always the same. hmm.... And he sees me HOW ??? Hey, I may have something here. It doesn't matter what I do to entice him because it doesn't matter to ME what he does or doesn't do because I desire him anyhow, anyway..... hmm.... am I onto something here ???

Does any of this make sense ?? Are you following me S&S on this ?

It's not the pills... it's not the robe.. it's not the new nighty.... it's me !!!! it's him !!!

ok, but can this change ? Is he just in withdraw ?

I hope I am not TJ your thread S&S. I am just trying to talk about SF here with you too.

My very best regards to you - carnation

Ark,
I am quoting the whole post...I'm slow at finding, cutting and pasting each part.





I AM MAKING IT EASIER TO WALK AWAY. BUT I REALLY FEEL I HAVE TRIED. I HAVE LOOKED AT HIM FORM MANY DIFFERENT ANGLES. I HAVE LOOKED UP “CHARACTER DEFECTS” TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY WERE AS I SEARCHED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO “WHY” HE HAD AN AFFAIR. AND NOT JUST 1, BUT 3. THAT SPEAKS TO MORE THAN A LACK OF EN’S. I HAVE APPROACHED HIM FORM THE ANGLE THAT HE IS A VERY INSECURE PERSON (while portraying confidence) JUST DOING THE BEST HE CAN. THAT WAS GOING REAL WELL. I WAS DOING SO GOOD AT APPRECIATING HIM AND HE WAS LOVING IT. AND THEN HE HAD A BLOW-UP AT EMPLOYEES AND THEN ME. HE WAS REALLY MAD BECAUSE HE WAS BEHIND SCHEDULE. IT WAS SO AWFUL IT JUST REALLY KNOCKED ME DOWN. BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL (angry outbursts). I TOLD HIM HOW IT MADE ME FEEL AND HOW AWFUL IT WAS FOR THE EMPLOYEES. HE APOLOGIZED TO THEM LATER BUT NOT ME. HE BLEW UP AT ME 2 DAYS LATER TOO. RIGHT BEFORE AND AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. AND THEN AGAIN A WEEK LATER. IT HURT ME SO BAD. AND I TOLD HIM SO IN A NICE WAY. BUT HE NEVER APOLOGIZED. SO I CAN ONLY ASSUME HE’S NOT SORRY

THAT IS WHY I AM HURTING. I TRY AND I CHANGE AND I DON’T FEEL HE DOES. HE STILL REACTS TO REALITY THE SAME AS HE ALWAYS HAS. IT IS NOT AS OFTEN, BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME HE IS PRETTY CONTENT TO SIT AND TRADE. BUT BRING ON REAL LIFE, LIKE BUYING A TRUCK AND THEN HAVE PEOPLE EXPECTING YOU TO SHOW UP TO WORK (like you said you would) AND LOOK OUT.

I DON’T FEEL VERY HOPEFUL RIGHT NOW. I DON’T FEEL LIKE HE HAS DONE HIS SHARE TO RECOVER OUR MARRIAGE. HE WON’T DO ANYMORE COUNSELING (he did a little with SH) AND DIDN’T FINISH THE BOOKS OR WORKSHEETS, AND WHEN WE WERE TO GO OVER THEM TOGETHER, TOSSED THEM DOWN, SAYING HE REALLY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT GOOD THAT WAS GONNA DO. SO HURTFUL. AND YET I STAY. WHY?

PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME. I APPRECIATE YOU CHALLENGING ME.

I am sorry about the CAPS! I had a terrible time between word and here and this was the best I could do without starting over...this has taken me a long time...I won't do the caps again I promise. I'm really not yelling.

Hi sugar ~

Detach from the addiction, not from your husband.

You and he do not have to agree that his trading is an addiction for your relationship to get better. You get to be right or you get to be married, you don't, you really don't get to be both. For you to "win" that argument, someone (him) has to "lose". And that, my dear, is a lovebuster.

Focusing on the addiction, for me, is an instant swan-dive into self-pity and martyred victimhood. While I am on the pity pot of despair and woe is me, I am focused on all my husband's warts that I blame for hindering me from being happy. Nothing could be further from reality. My interior temper tantrums towards my husband are pathetic and childish: I AM MISERABLE AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU WOULD JUST DO WHAT *I* SAY, ME, MISS WONDERFULLY SMART AND GODDESS OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT AND GOOD, YOU WOULD STOP MAKING ME MISERABLE!! WAAAAAH.

Focusing on how I can be a better wife and a better person, regardless of what my addicted husband is doing, taking responsiblity for my own happiness and needs is always the better route for me.

And guess what? The route I take is a choice.

I can tell you that my husband tells me frequently, that I am his best friend. How did I become his number one friend and companion? I met the needs of my husband, not his addiction.

Do you go to Al-Anon? Have I suggested that to you yet? (I'm sure I must have!)

Another thought...

Expectations are premeditated resentments.

You say that you don't expect anything from him, yet you say:


Believe it or not, it's YOUR motivations and your focus that is hurting you. If you are changing because you want/hope that he will change as a result, you will be disappointed, hurt, angry and resentful.

If you change because you want to clean up your own behavior, independently of what your husband says or does...well, you'll find yourself starting to hum while driving to the grocery store, or smiling back at yourself in the mirror.

Hi BR,

I'm glad you stopped by.



I think I get that in my brain, sitting here typing. But do I get it in life?



I have not been yet...but I looked up meeting times and places. You did ask me before and I told you I was going. I haven't yet. I figured out that one is the same night in the same town as my exercise class, back to back. So, maybe wednesday I will stay for a meeting.

BR, it's me again.




I felt good this past month. I wasn't expecting him to change. I just got very discouraged the last few days due to his AO and then a rotten incident last night.

I actually do hum and I do smile at me in the mirror! I'm not a total basket case! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> And I like my new hair style, highlights, growing it out for the first time ever! I've come a long way baby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Thanks!

Thanks Car!

Semi's huh? Who would have thought we would have that in common around here! This is our second one...we have an older one and this one..they are for our business, but the new one will go make a little money before our season starts up again. Did you say on your thread that your H is driving for someone else and now wants to get his own truck? That is a huge step.

You are not TJ- you can come here anytime.

Maybe if we keep jabbering we'll figure something out. Something about H's and semi's! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting!

Good Morning,

Well, I have done a lot of thinking since my last post. And it started out in the same tone as the above posts....

A lot of Ya, but...followed by how my sit is so special or different because my H is soooo bad. Of course I'm soooo good and don't deserve this... and so the story keeps going. Same song, Same verse. Can't even get a new verse!

So, I ask myself, what is the problem WITH ME. I know what his problem is (ha ha) but what about ME. That one wasn't so easy.

As I reviewed Ark's reply in my head I did a lot of Ya, but...because I thought I had to build a wall, I have to be in control, because I can't trust my H. And that is one of my lightbulb moments.

I don't trust my H. With a lot of things. But, my attitude isn't helping that either. So, I guess I need to change that about ME.

I'm MAD. I'm mad as he11! Yep, that was a light bulb moment. I have fooled myself into thinking I was no longer angry. Not true. I just wasn't showing it or expressing it but it was still there. Seething under the surface.

And then this morning, I asked me in the mirror, what are you so mad about? He said this and said that, and I feel let down because he won't keep his word.

And here is the biggest lightbulb moment I had.

Why am I so mad?

Drum Roll Please........

I GAVE MY POWER AWAY!

Here I sit thinking I have all the control, that I am the only one that knows what is going on, the only one paying attention, and the only one who gives a sh#t, and I'm not. I am not in control of anything. And if this is what control looks like (looking around at my life...) I don't want it!

So, that is where I'm at right this minute. It feels weird, but strangely good.