First off Thank you very much ShatteredDreams for my welcome message. I have missed the folks on this board. I took a break from the forum because I felt like I was relying on the board too heavily...for emotional support.

Anyway...I'm here now. My FWH are I are doing very well. That is something I never thought possibly when all of this started.

Ok...the purpose of this thread is to discuss reasons why we should remain in a marriage after an A has been discovered. I think the WS's POV would be helpful as well.

Want2Be posted a list in Anngellica's thread. That list stopped me in my tracks...it was such a simple idea...yet I never thought about it. Some were obvious...but when written out in a list it really makes you think. I'd like to get some other thoughts on this topic.

What were some of the reasons you stayed and fought for your marriage?

Want2Be's list:

1. He loves me
2. We have a commitment 'til death
3. It is God's will for us to stay together
4. I love him
5. More damage will be done in divorce
6. It will hurt others if we don't make it
7. It would mean a new church for one of us
8. Both of us would lose a friend (each other)
9. We would end up a divorcee
10. We would each likely have 2nd marriages which don't have the wisdom we've already learned & could likely end up here again.

Thank you Heroswife, for starting this thread. I hadn't seen your name pop up recently, and of course as folks dissappear for a while, you can't help but wonder how they are doing. I'm so happy for you and your H that all this worked out. I researched some of your old posts and just got a big chuckle out of your "confrontation" call to OW, and how you gave her a mega-shot of reality!

It is interesting to read "early" posts from all of us who came here totally lost, beaten down, emotionally wrought and feeling hopeless...then to see posts in the here and now, and how much difference the MB program can make in your efforts to "save a marriage" after infidelity.

February 26th will be a two year anniversary from the last time my FWW contacted her OM. Our marriage has steadily improved. That's not to say it is totally perfect, not without conflict or arguments, but is it better than the marriage we had Pre-A, when we were in such a state of dissconnect from having "lived seperate lives", from not investing in each other enough in the day to day world of work and raising kids.

I've never thought about a list... so I'll try to create one based on what I've done that works for me.

1. Too old, too fat, too grey and too set in my ways to start anew.
2. Kids are better off with parents that are married, loving and committed, and, on the same sheet when offering advice or "behavior modification".
3. Divorce is, or can be, a financial disaster for both parties.
4. My W and I compliment each other in a million little ways that would be impossible to re-create.
5. I never exposed to her family; the A, and an ensuing D would have saddened a lot of people, and forever tarnished my W's relationship with her family, and damaged her relationship with mine. There is no history of D in her family.
6. We've lived in the same house for 26 years, living "elsewhere" wouldn't be "home".
7. I have a tendency for excesses. Without my committment to my W and marriage, I could end up in the gutter. She stabilizes my life. (somewhat dramatized, LOL)
8. We love each other, in spite of the fact it's not always easy.
9. Our dream has always been to retire, and jump in the car and travel as much as possible. We travel well together, and neither of us would do it alone.
10. I still look at her every day and am still awed by her beauty.

Those 10 just poured through my fingers, and are NOT in any particular order. After D-day, I thought about whether to stay or go a LOT, and once I came to the conclusion I would stay, it gave me a purpose for following the MB program, which I found 5 months too late. I basically floundered and just did things I thought would help for those five months, and I created some serious set-backs that would NOT have occured if I had found MB earlier.

For those of you in the discovery stages...you must buy in and totally believe in the Marriage Builders philosophy, and do it with a genuine effort, from start, to well beyond recovery. If you try the Cliff Notes version, and don't do a thorough job of implementing the principles, you risk failing at saving your marriage. Read Surviving an Affair and let it be your guidebook, along with these forums, to give your marriage the best chance at survival.

I'm still totally overwhelmed by the people who were posting on this forum back then ( and many of them are STILL here helping ) who helped me find the information, and the resolve to win this battle. I'll be forever indebted to people I will never "know". The outpouring of help in these forums is one of God's blessings, I'm sure.

Best wishes,
SD

Here are my reasons in addiiton to the ones that have been listed above...

We have 21 years of history - we don't just know each other, we have a sense of who each other is and where we came from. I know how he takes his tea in the morning and he knows how I hate to talk on the phone.

We would always have contact anyway due to co-parenting and it is far better for the kids if we co-parent as a united front rather than being played one off the other by resourceful children.

Our kids won't have to deal with getting used to step-parents and step-siblings. Holidays will not have to be split between mom and dad.

No one and I mean NO ONE will ever love my H more than I do.

Since this thread was started due to a small TJ,
I'll simply continue the tradition.

Very pleased to have your safe return heroswife.

When posters just bug out, it always makes ya wonder.

Seems you've done very well in your time away!
[But did it have to be sooooooo Long?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />] he, he

Hopefully your story, advice and support can Help others as your tag line says it helped you!

Nice to see your already back up to speed (comfort wise) and starting your own threads.
Welcome back.

OK,
Back to your list!

Shattered -

I will have to go back and look up that post on my confrontation of the OW. I know since that time I've recounted that story to the many women I've met have expereinced a As in the relationship and it always ends with laughs. I'm nervous to see what I posted here....If I posted it soon after the confrontation I'm willing to be it's He-Larry-Us! I won't make that a trivial situation...it was very serious and hurt me a great deal...but I think I handled myself as best as I possibly could.

And Shattered what a great list you compiled for us. The first one:

Too old, too fat, too grey and too set in my ways to start anew.

While I'm doubting the truth to this...I know it's your perception that counts...but I wonder how many people stay in an unhappy relationship for similar reasons...out of convenience or fear no one else will have them?

And I love #8 - What a great way to put it....think about the far out future...not next year or next month...but where do you see yourself when you are old and crazy? It's like looking beyond the pain and the hurt of today and you see the hope. I remember thinking about them during our situation....thinking who will you sit on that front porch with? (that's our retirement dream...front porch with rocking chairs...lots of laughs)

Eaglesoar -

I love your list. I think this is something every parent should consider. The day my H told me he was leaving me...i asked him point blank...Who gets to have Christmas with the Kids....Which one of us will go to their graduations? Who will hold our daughters hands as they go through their first heart break? You have to ask those questions.

And what an excellent point to make...no one will ever love my H as much as me...you hit the nail on the head. Go find your H right now and remind him of that. I'm going to tell my H that tonight.

Top-Rope -

I have missed your witty comments and support. Thank you for taking the time to drop me a line. I have missed you so much.

Yes I took a break from the boards...we went through some struggles..unrelated to the A and I needed to deal with those things outside of the boards. I think I became addicted to them for a while. Have you heard from any of the old gang...2BeUsAgain and TooShort...I think those were the names of those we posted to.

I have so much to catch up on. I want to know about your sitch...so direct me to your latest thread...or start a new one to catch us up. Who knows we might even help others by reconnecting. I read my old posts and I blush at what a mess I was.

Hope you are well.

shattered dreams,

You additions to the list are great.

Too fat, too old, too grey - we'll I don't feel that way. I feel I look as good as ever & wouldn't have a problem attracting another man - HOWEVER, I would have so much reservation in knowing whether I could find a man of integrity. I'd probably have to go through some losers to find a good man - not really interested that single life again.

While my FWH & I don't have kids, I knew it would kill my nephew to lose my FWH as an uncle. That boy LOVES him dearly. We already had 2 foster children for a year about my nephew's age & when they left, he was very sad for a long time. He tried everything a 5 yr old can to try to figure a way to get them back with us. He even said he was the only one that really loved them. After seeing the pain that caused him, I couldn't bear to let him lose his favorite uncle (they are true buddies).

I agree with finances being disasterous. Both of us would be forced to downsize out lives - however, his would be a greater loss then mine. I would be able to maintain a similar lifestyle while he would be like a young 20's again starting completely over.

We don't have the long history that you do, but history is a good point - we have 10 years together with 7 years a marriage (this Valentine's day) so I would agree that history should be on the list. Who else knows you like your spouse?

My husband also has a tendency for excesses & I keep him grounded so I could see his need for me on that one.

In my mother's family, my mother is the ONLY one divorced (twice). She is what you might say is the "black sheep" of the family (or how she referred to herself). My grandparents were married 63 years. Aunts, uncles, cousins - all still married today. I can't say they are perfect relationships - they are not - but the commitment to stick it out is there. I think that helps me stay as well. I didn't want to repeat my mother's mistakes.

I think it's important to weight the pros & cons which is why I needed the list for myself. There are so many more reasons to stay married when you write it out. If I listed reasons to leave - I'd have only a few - even though infidelity & lying are huge ones, the others would be so much less significant. It's a very helpful tool.

Extended families would be on my list as well.

I have a very close relationship to my in-laws. My FIL was the very first person I called....not my sister, my mother or my own father....I called my FWH's Dad. I couldn't even speak when he answered the phone I was so upset. He calmed me down and once he figured out the situation he called my H and let him have it. I believe the words he used were somewhere along the lines of..'if you leave this woman you are dead to me.' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you right now that my relationship with my FIL and (step)MIL is one thing I would have a tough time walking away from.

History is a huge reason for me as well. My H and I have been together since we were 14 years old. We married at 19 and 20. So we've been with each other through our teenage years and our entire adult lives...you cannot replace that kind of history.

What about this one....I'm already hurt in this relationship, right? So the damage is done. If I left I'd have to start over with someone new (and like you said above...I'd have to go through some trolls to find my prince). I'd probably just sit back waiting for that man to cheat. So WHY pick up my baggage and carry it over to a new relationship. I am not sure I could ever trust someone else with my heart.

To all the men out there...please do not that this as a knock on you. I do not think all men are scum. My heart has been shattered...thus the trust issue.

That would be throwing away all the lessons I've learned in this relationship, right? (am I crazy...don't answer that)

UGH...which reminds me. I now see myself as damaged goods. Even though we've worked through the situation and we are doing very well...I'm still a bit emotionally unstable. I doubt my self-worth often. I'm a different person all around.

Maybe some of that is for the best...but I would like to have my self esteem back. I'm not having a pity party.

I want to hear a crazy reason for staying....like if I left my WS I would miss their pot roast...or who would fix my car?

What's the most insane reason you've heard of someone staying?

Top Rope where's your list?

I don't know about insane reasons to stay - as I wouldn't stay for anything illogical.

However, maybe I should add "Fear of the Unknown" as well. I know what I have now - what I don't have & what could be. But, if I start over, they are ALL unknowns.

As for as in-laws, it doesn't really apply to me. My H's family has never been close to us & makes NO effort to get to know me. The only person I really have any relationship with is my MIL (and she drives me crazy - wouldn't miss her). Sadly, his family is just not very loving or considerate which is why I think he was the H he was (learned behavior - take care of yourself & not worry about others).



Me too. Although, I did lose weight (80 lbs) BEFORE he told me. So, it was a mix. I was feeling SO low by the news, but also feeling good about what I had accomplished. I also was getting noticed by men & it felt good because I realized I could walk away & date easily. I also did alot of clothes shopping when I was feeling low (okay, I know not good, but what else could I do to feel better?)

At the same time, the OW (from the PA) was a useless h.s. dropout, 2 kids out of wedlock from 2 different men (she offered my H a child trying to make it 3 for 3). She is immature, unintelligent, below average looking, etc. that I was never feeling compared to her or wanting to compare myself since I view her as a loser.

So, my self-esteem (although low) never hit rock bottom.

Hi HW.

Why should we remain in a marriage after an A has been discovered?

I'll answer from my perspective, which includes having a family (children) and friends and reasonable potential that marriage problems that led to the affair can be resolved:

Because it is the right and honorable thing to do.

If that's sappy or too corny, oh well.

WAT...you have the best insight.

You are right...it is the honorable thing to do.

I do NOT think it's sappy or corny. It is the simple truth. What a shame it is that others cannot see that as well.

I recently received some insight from my In-Laws that I thought would be nice to share here.

Both had A's throughout the marriage. It's a toss up to see who started first. Not sure that even matters. My FIL recently confided in me that he blamed himself for my H's behavior and that if he could he would go back and change the way he treated my MIL prior to their D he would. We do not know any of the details of his As as only my MIL will say he had OW...we never saw any of them.

My MIL who had a long time A with her best friend's H...and eventually D'd my FIL and married her OM.....long story...she told me that she regrets everyday how she treated my FIL and the she wishes so badly she could change things. She too blames herself for my H's behavior. Her As were out in the open to all of us...but for some reason her best friend was clueless...or so we thought.


Bottom line is...they both regret letting their M go.

Not sure that even fits in on this thread. When I read WAT's post I was reminded of the conversation I had with my FIL. Keeping your marriage together is the honorable thing to do.

Want2BeStrong -

Missed your post earlier. I too lost weight but I was never really heavy. I hit rock bottom...was very depressed. I didn't eat at all. I think I looked horrible during that time.

I did however, start to go to the gym as a way to keep myself occupied. Then I started running and now I'm teaching classes at the gym so in that respect I am much better off.

I think my feeling of being damaged goods is more focused on my emotional state. I feel fragile and prone to depression. Before the A I had difficulty being sad for long periods of time. (I know that seems silly to say...but before I was always able to find the bright side of a situation. Where most people would become depressed I would see the situation as a way to make myself stronger. We are military so you can imagine the situations that would cause depression for a military spouse.)

"Why stay married after an affair" is a very good question, one that I've been asking myself since August.

Before I continue, I wish to say "many thanks" to those who replied to my original post. It's comforting to know that there IS life - a potentially HAPPY life - after the devastation of an affair.

The first reason I'm didn't leave immediately was because I didn't want to make life changing decisions in an extreme emotional state.

Then, when I was able to think a little clearer, silly yet practical reasons to stay entered the thought process, including "do I really want to be single again and do things like mow the lawn, take out the trash, relocate because I won't be able to afford to keep my home which means commuting to work..." Even sillier, I thought about the potential dangers to my indoor/outdoor cats if my new home was on a busy street! And moving is SUCH a drag! Did I really want to do it again so soon? We just purchased our home three years ago, and then remodeled a bit, making it perfect for us.

I had decided to give the healing process a year & then re-evaluate - NOT that I expected to be healed by then - but hopefully less confused if nothing else. It's been six months, but I was in a fog for the first several months, so it's almost as if they don't count. If I had a penny for every time I said or thought "I can't believe he..." I WOULD be able to afford my home! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I digress.

Since beginning the Marriage Builders home study courses there are days that I can actually see a glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel. It's early yet, but I shall begin to think of MY list as to the reasons to stay & work on it other than those already mentioned above, AFTER I've read everyone else's! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My reason for wanting to stay married is simple... love for my soulmate. Betrayal hurts. It's like a broken glass that you try to glue back together and hope it still holds water. If you search hard enough then you can find the missing pieces and do it, but sometimes you may need some duct tape rather than glue.

So, yes... betrayal hurts. But Life without my soulmate without trying would hurt even more.

My FWW (Undo) wrote this in a thread a few months back

Anngelica -

I think that we all have different reasons for staying at different times. The reasons you described as your reasons for staying initially are the same for a lot of BSs.



This is the part that people underestimate. How can you prepare yourself for the hurt and anger and saddness? Is it even possible. The people (BS) in the office or on the sitcoms that say things like....If my spouse ever cheated on me I'd kick him out.....without having been through the hurt themselves will NEVER understand us.

You sound like you are still having a lot of doubt. I think that is to be expected at this point. But please remain on this site and continue to read the success stories. You'll see that you can make it through this and you can go on to have a better marriage.

Hopeful -

Thank you so much for posting that. What a wonderful post from your W. I hope that others read your posts and your W's posts and see that there is hope out there.

My goodness,

The reasons I'd stay now ......stayed then .......arrrggghhh do I even have to think about this stuff.

I will say that even though I stayed then,
every fiber of my being was screaming "Go, run, leave ....NOW"!

However,
One of the main reasons I stayed (along with the long list of others) ......was because I needed answers.

And yes,
much of those answers were one's ONLY my W could give.
I NEEDED those in order to begin healing myself.

Now,
If I left .......I thought "what possible incentive would she have to answer them".
Plan A pretty much got me that. (although it took much longer then I'd have Ever liked)

In addition,
I had to have No regrets later (should I have Chosen after legitimately trying) to get a divorce.

So although waaaay back then, I still didn't see how in the end I could do anything BUT eventually Divorce ........I decided to at least give it a shot and see where I came out.

***************
heroswife:
Whatever happened with your email address ****.****@gmail.com??

Does it even work anymore??

Should I move this stuff to another thread?

Top-Rope....

I'm loving your post. No regrets....that's something I overlooked as well.

I too stayed for that reason. I did not want to look back and regret acting on my hurt in such an emotional state of mind. I think giving yourself a timeframe to reevaluate the situation is an excellent option. I gave myself until our 10th annv. to decide whether or not I'd stay.

Being military that would allow me to have access to 50% of his military retirement should I want it when the time comes.

Maybe that was a selfish deadline to give myself...but I figured if it didn't work out...I sure wouldn't regret the investment of my 10 years. I know it's sick...but that's how my mind functioned at that time. I'm completely showing a 'revenge side' and that is really NOT who I am.

WAAAAAYYYYYY OOOOFFFFF TTTTTOOOOPPPIIIICCCCCC...I know that was not TR's meaning in 'no regret'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Yes the gmail account is still active....I just haven't been out there in a while. I'll check it out now.

Glad to see you are on today...been look'n for you.

My goodness me,

How could I forget one of my Main Reasons??

This place ....MBers!!!

Yea,
its True .........Reading at this place (the articles and real MEAT of the website) ...
First gave me HOPE that really something COULD be done .......and let me at least Begin to understand the dynamics of what was going on around me (and had been for quite some time).

Then probably just as important:
It gave me the tools to be able to address my W's infidelity and How I could respond to it.

Thank you, Thank you for this place.
It was a place of sanity .....when I was anything But.

(And I didn't even post for the first year) Imagine that.....and it still helped me.

Although I will say,
I wish that MBers was a little stronger on the Recovery part of it all.
But hey,
nothings perfect, right?? <shrugs shoulders>

After all this thread is about why stay,
And MBers IMO,
is very strong and straight forward on the early part of the journey.

top rope,

Both of your posts are excellent.

adding to my list:
a-answers
b-no regrets
c-MBers

I guess when I initially made the list with my FWH, I was looking at our marriage together as a whole - without thinking just of me or him. I wasn't looking at reasons why I would stay with him, but reasons WE should try to save our M. I originally made the list because I felt like you - I wanted to run away, like you did. I was on the verge of it too, so I needed something that would help me to want to salvage this M.

I admit, I'm still have trouble with it. It's not going to be an easy road. I feel like a failure - not because I did something so wrong in the M, but because I married a man like this. I failed in my choice of mate. He fooled me into believing he had similar beliefs about M, but it was a lie (he admits that too). He even commented how I should have picked someone who was a believer, like myself, but I married an unbeliever so what could I expect. I hate to admit that he's right about that.