NO WAY!
You may be a lot of different things right now ......but Pathetic ain't one of them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Got it???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Besides,
it is tough when you have less access then most people.

My W's A took place basically 100% at work.
No way to get passed locked doors and armed security.

And even the phones (work provided) pagers, emails ... were all work based and therefore I had no access to (and no Right's to them either) -- ie, to get logs, passwords, ect.

Give yourself a break. (Hard as that is right now).
You guys are a ways away from TRUST.
Sad but True. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Top Rope is very right here.

If you can't get access...then you are wasting you energy on thinking about them. Right?!?!

So focus on things you can do...that's:
Work on yourself.
Be the BEST ANNGELLICA you can be.
Try your best to meet your H's ENs.
Focus on the activities you can do together.

TopRope give us some ideas of what you did during this time. How did you surive?

Heroswife:

It's refreshing to read how well you're doing, both as an individual and a couple. It helps make light @ the end of the very long tunnel visible, and that's definitely a good thing. Please don't stop sharing your good news. It's uplifting!

Silly as it may sound, I feel a little guilty for my mood last night. I thought I might pick up another card for H during lunch break, something that says a gentle "sorry," explains the reason for my little outburst and says "thanks" for how he handled the situation. He has come a long way in this area and I don't want to discourage him. He is beginning to understand how I NEED to be treated for healing to occur and its obvious that more often than not he really is making the effort. I suppose the card could be considered meeting an emotional need because I likely brought him down a peg or two last night while the card will be uplifting.

I suppose I can ask H to tell me, without being prompted, whether he heard from OW while he was @ work, and if so, how he handled it. He's SUPPOSED to tell her he will not speak with her and hang up - but he had promised to do this very thing after discovery and didn't because "she was worried" - she was afraid of me & what she feared I might do, so he felt the need to calm her down. I say the ****** with her feelings & concerns! Let her worry! Don't be concerned about HER feelings, keep your word and be true to ME! Hopefully, MB is helping him understand just how important it is for him to do this.

We're both taking Friday off work, just because I need the break, but we've not yet come up with anything to do. It's early yet, but rain is being forecast for Friday. How might you and H spend a rainy weekday? It's just the two of us + three cats. My daughter is attending university in NH. Any and all ideas welcome! Thanks! You don't know how much you are helping!!!

Anngellica -

I'm glad you feel like this is helping you. I think it helps when you speak to people who've been through what you are going through...even though all situations are different.

I hope I haven't led you to believe that everything is all Roses and Hugs in 'hero's land'....it's most certainly not. It's been 2 years but I still hurt...I still get depressed and I still cry myself to sleep when I'm faced with triggers. We still live right up the road from FOW. (not sure if you knew that already...but we are trying to get a new duty station.) For the most part we are happy and very much in love. Something I never once thought was remotely possible in the months after the A.

[color:"red"] I think that picking up a card is a great idea...and you should drop everything you are doing right now and go do it! [/color]

I found that when I was feeling like showing affection it was best to do it....lord knows in the beginning those times were rare...but I did my best.

Your H needs to see that you recognize his efforts and that you appreicate them...but at the same time you both need to understand that things will be rocky for a while.

He's showing you now that he's willing to do whatever it takes.

Has he delivered the NC letter to OW? And you don't need to beat around the bush about wanting to know if she calls him or if they have contact.....

You say to him...I need you to be honest with me at all times. Radical Honesty is a way for him to prove you can trust him. Even if he knows that it will hurt you to hear what he has to say you need to hear it. You also have to promise to remain calm and allow him to trust you to 'keep it together' if he has to tell you something that will upset you.

This will establish a pattern of trust. I used to ask my H daily...and frankly...even though I know it's not going on today...I've asked my H recently if he's had any contact with her....I'll just say things like...does she ever email you or call you or drive by your office. I've maybe done this twice in the last year. Most of the time I don't even think about.

I ran into FOW last week...H wasn't with me. He called me about an hour later and the first thing out of my mouth was....did she tell you she saw me?!?!?! see how quickly the maddness comes back! My H responded calmly. Even though....I was obviously trying to pick a fight with my confrontation. He simply said...no baby, I haven't talked to her at all. She would have no reason to even want to speak to me because I do not care to ever speak to her.

I was so upset I had to just let him go...told him I couldn't talk at that momment but that I would be ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Later he sent me an email that just said how sorry he was that I had to go through that and if he could take it all back he would. He said I love you very much and I can't wait to grow old with you.

Going on again about me...but I just wanted to give you an example of what I'm talking about and show you that even though we are in recovery....it's not all roses.

So you have GOT to just come out and ask. Did you talk to her? Were there emails or phone calls...did you see her? Naturally you can't pound him with questions non-stop but asking when you need to be reassured is acceptable.

I think your H will understand that...I hope he does. If he realizes the benefits he will not mind a bit.

Funny you say you are off Friday...we both took off as well. We aren't doing anything fun though. Cleaning out the garage and emptying our storage shed to prepare for our move.

What would I do with my H on a rainy long weekend...with no children?!?!?!? HHHMMMMMM that's a tough question. We would likely pick a project to do inside the house...like painting a room or something like that. We watch movies non-stop...so we would rent movies...take a nap....read.... go to the gym. I'm not very exciting am I? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Why don't you just focus on spending time with each other. How about taking a trip to the bookstore and pick up HNHN...I hope you already have Surviving an Affair. Both of these are must reads for surviving this situation.

Oh my gosh! I just spend half an hour typing a reply and then inadvertantly closed IE without posting it - uuuugggg! I hate when that happens!

It's time to leave work so I'll have to redo again tomorrow. Wishing you a very good night! Thanks again for the support!

Anngellica -

I hope you had a good night last night. Did you decide to get the card?

Any idea what you will do this weekend?

Heroswife:

On my way to Halmark yesterday I wondered what you’d think of the card idea. I’m glad I did the right thing. <G> I couldn’t find appropriate text so I purchased a blank card & wrote my own. H really appreciated it. He also readily agreed to my request that he volunteer, on a regular basis, whether or not they had any contact. He is rather insistent in his belief that she won’t call ever again, but both I and our not-so-good marriage counselor believe otherwise. (We’ve stopped seeing him b/c it truly was a waste of time. We’ve done much better on our own with MB)

He really is making an effort and I let him know that in the card I gave him last night. Putting me first has always been difficult for him. He has always felt a very strong commitment to his parents and now to his Mom since his dad passed away last fall. THEY and THEIR NEEDS always came before US, OURS and ME, but he really seems to be working on that now. I’ve explained to him that if our relationship was the way it was supposed to be I wouldn’t (and shouldn't) feel second fiddle to his parents, nor would I mind him holding his mom’s hand for every little thing that comes up, even though she’s perfectly capable of handling on her own much of what he helps her with. In the past he has neglected our home & our relationship to spend time with his parents even though it has not always necessary that he be there. Hopefully these latest behavioral changes will last.

I’m gradually becoming familiar with MB-related terminology, but what’s the NC letter? Prior to receiving the MB home study materials we completed several questionnaires that are available online, and we’ve since completed two weekly lessons in the MB course and one in the LB course, but I’m not familiar with “NC Letter.”

Sometime after discovery, he asked what he could do to help make things right. I told him I wanted him to keep the promise he made 11 years ago and tell the B*t*h that it is OVER - and tell her in my presence. After he left multiple messages which went unreturned, I called & left one, telling her that it was in her best interest to call my H back and hear what he has to say to her. When she didn't, he left a detailed voice mail msg stating it was over. Without H's knowledge, I wrote a detailed letter to her new H and cc'd every household in the state that bears her maiden name. The letter prompted calls from her H and her sister, & OW called H @ his work. Supposedly he told her that it was really over, but naturally this was not done in my presence. While I'd like to hear him TELL her directly, I don't want to encourage further contact. What do you think?

I’m looking forward to the chapter on Radical Honesty. Maybe that’s one thing we’ll do this weekend – skip ahead to the chapter on Radical Honesty!

Until now I didn’t know how to label “triggers” but I sure do experienced them. Mental note to self: Explain “triggers” to H so he has a better understanding as to why I temporarily behave like a mad woman from time to time. <G>

~Anngellica

NC Letter means No Contact letter. It's a letter the WS writes to the 'other person' stating that the A is over and they want to work on their marriage. The BS is copied on the letter as well as the other person's spouse.

In this case...I think you might be beyond that stage.

If you and your H read Surviving an Affair together you'll cover it early on. I still think this is an excellent idea for both of you. It will allow you to work through the emotions together....and will give you closure on the subject. I was never able to convince my H to read the book...or come to this site. He was humiliated and so I took the role of leader in our recovery.

I read the books, the websites, the forum.....and just walked him through the steps.

If you've done the EN survey then you should both know and understand what the other is looking for. Focus your efforts there...so you know you'll get more out of your efforts.

I have to say, I like your style on exposure ...I can't believe you sent the letter to all those people! Good for you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I wish I'd had the guts to do something like that. Most people put off exposure because they are terrified of waht the outcome might be.

Ok...the triggers are tricky. I guess I never really thought about them (although I expreienced them regularly) until I found this board. I read a thread on Triggers. It was like a light went off in my head....I thought, this is exactly how I feel . So I made a list of triggers (in my head) and went over them with my H.

I just told him...these are the things that set me off. I can't watch NFL.....Survivor.....and a few other shows. I won't explain the triggers but those are shows that trigger me big time.

At first anyone in uniform was a trigger for me...even the UPS guy. I'm over that one now. The phrase Link Up...drive me over the edge. H had to stop saying that all together.

Oh here's a good trigger for me.... SEEING OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Having my H know and understand what triggered me was very helpful. I would also formulate a plan on how I would react when faced with a trigger...as best as I could. That way I was prepared and felt like I had some control over the situation.

You can't prepare for them all but you can prepare for some.

Another thing that I found helpful at this stage was identifying things that made me feel good...anything... little things. And I would do them for myself.

• Bright flowers...I'd buy some for myself and set them on my desk. Sometimes H would send them to me for no reason at all.
• Getting a pedicure...I'd take myself to the nail shop and just get a pedi about 2x a month.
• Running...I run to release stress. So sometimes when I would hit a trigger or just want to cry, I'd throw on some running shoes and pound the pavement.
• I felt less stressed if my house was tidy...I wasn't motivated to clean, yet I felt better when my house was spotless. So I would clean and organize different thing at random times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> (crazy I know but helped me relax)
• Pray - when I'd get angy I'd pray. For me, OW, OWH, my H, my children.....

Just make your own list of things that make you feel good or better. In the beginning I did everything I could to make myself less miseserable.

What’s “WS”? “BS”?

H felt guilted into visiting the MB website. I had asked him to spend as much reading articles on the MB website as he had recently spent surfing the web for the perfect tattoo, and he said he would, but later, when he was supposed to be online he called while on his way to his Mom’s to tend to some very minor, non-emergency, unimportant item PRIOR to visiting the website. I felt a bit crushed because I was looking forward to him reading & learning what I had been reading & learning, and here he was putting mommy first yet again. I felt that given the circumstances which HE created, WE should be the priority at all costs, even if it meant mommy had to wait a few days for felt floor protectors to be placed on the feet of a new chair! It was not intentional, but my reply made him feel guilty, so he turned around, went home and spent the rest of the day on the website reading articles. Of course, I would have preferred he did it because he WANTED TO because he was interested in working towards fixing our marriage, but at least he did it. We’ve discussed various articles from time to time.
I give you a lot of credit for doing all you did and coming as far as you did without the help of the home study courses. Although I will say they are a bit redundant, and not every chapter applies, but I can’t imagine going through this without a “guide” so to speak. Makes it easier, especially for H, to be told exactly what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
If we visit Barnes & Noble this weekend I’ll look for Surviving an Affair. Maybe it contains information other than what’s already contained in HNHN and LB.
Many thanks for the compliment on exposure. I was so very, very angry and when I get that angry I simply HAVE to act and to be honest I wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Up to this point H had led me to believe the A was one-sided, that OW wouldn’t leave him alone, that he didn’t reciprocate, blah, blah, blah, so when she wouldn’t take his phone call I decided her new H should be made aware of what had been going on. I was still five months away from finding the MB website, but exposure was just something I had to do. When I told H what I had done (sent the letter to OW’s new H and every <WO’s Maiden Name> in the state, he became visibly upset. I believe he feared for her new marriage, which caused me more pain. At this point he decided to tell me the ‘truth’ which was really just more lies. (Some guys never learn, do they?) As I may have said previously, it wasn’t until I suggested a telephone counseling session with Dr. Harley that he decided to speak freely and honestly – and that was only a few weeks ago. Until then he had spoken in circles, beat around the bush, made statements that didn’t make sense and/or contradicted other statements, so I KNEW he was lying. When I sent the mass mailing I was hurting so badly I didn’t care what happened so long as EVERYONE was made aware of how they had been carrying on all these years. Any repercussions would be worth the embarrassment of exposure and I didn’t hesitate for one minute. WhitePages.com made oh so easy to find her relatives.

Listing triggers is a very good idea, one that I shall work on. Quite frankly, every LB is a trigger, because most of them have to do with selfishness and putting self or others first. Every times he does that I’m reminded of how he put his “need” to continue a relationship with his ex-W thereby putting both his and her selfish needs & desires a priority over us & our relationship & over me and my need of not sharing him, not to mention our wedding vows.

My To-Do List:
• List of triggers
• List of things-that-make-me-feel-better

BS = Betrayed Spouse
WS = Wayward Spouse
Here are some links that you will find helpful:

Acronyms and Such from Just Found Out

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

I think you'll find both very helpful.

As for Surviving an Affair ...it will be the best thing you can do for yourself at this point. You will be walked through emotions that you probably think are unique to your situation but will realize it's very common for a BS to feel that way.

I have class in an hour so I have to get on the road. I'm off tomorrow and Monday but will check back when I can.

good luck!

Many thanks for the definitions and links!

I try to spend less time @ the computer when I'm not @ work & I won't be back to work until Tuesday, but I'll check back from time to time over the weekend.

Happy Weekend!

Kind regards,
Anngellica

Heroswife:

I hope you're having an awesome & productive long weekend. Did you get the garage packed?

I realize you may not see this until tomorrow or later in the week, but I need to vent now.

H and I had two lovely days together Friday & Saturday. He had previously committed to 24 hrs of OT on Sunday so he had to work it; then he called yesterday to say he had been offered 12 hrs of free OT today (Monday) and I was ok with it because I trusted him to meet my emotional need by telling me, without being prompted, if he and OW/ExW spoke during his time @ work. We spoke several time yesterday and he didn't volunteer the previously requested information, and he hasn't yet called today (Monday) and I feel myself starting to panic. I KNOW if I mention it to him I'll be treated to a host of lovely excuses that won't help a bit. I don't want excuses or explanations, I want him to keep his word because I really, really need it right now.

I've highlighted the text on the card I gave him on Friday that pertains to my request, but he won't see that until 8 p.m. tonight and I'll be a total basket case by then. He goes back to work tomorrow (Tuesday) for his regular 24 hr shift and because I leave for work before he gets home in the morning I won't see him again until I get home from work Wednesday evening...and we'll have to start all over again.

The emotional roller coaster is driving me nuts! What should I do? What would you do? I'm going to go shopping just to get out of the house but I know it won't really help. I'm trying not to cry. DaRn!

Anngellica -

My weekend was rough. My mother became ill Thursday and had to be admitted to the hospital. She had an emergency open heart surgery Saturday morning.

It was very stressful. We will drive back down there this Friday. She's doing fine now....much better than expected.

As for your H not volunteering the info...I think that's normal. He needs to see that you really need to hear it from him without prompting him. So the best thing to do is say it to him again. Not in a way that's like....YOU SAID YOU WOULD!

But more along the lines of this

I don't want to argue but I need you to understand that it would really help me feel better and more relaxed if you would tell me......

Approach him in a way that is not confrontational and show him that he can help you...empower him.

Then when he does openly tell you reinforce his behavior by making sure you meet his emotional needs...go above and beyond. He'll see the change and want to make you happy.

Have you made a list of things that make you feel better yet...or things that trigger you?

My goodness heroswife,

Happy she's doing OK (under the circumstances).

*((({{{Heroswife's MOM}}})))*

Thank you Top Rope...I still can't believe it happened.

We didn't have time to prepare or research anything...it was too fast for us all.

Do you have any idea of a forum for heart patients? I know your W is in the medical field. I'd like to talk to some people who have been through this.

I'm terrified that she'll have a stroke now. I know it's silly but my dad had a stroke 6 days after his open heart surgery and he's never been the same. He's loopy now. I know there's a 2% chance but that doesn't help me sleep at night and help me cry less.

Thank you for your support. You are far too kind to me.

Heroswife:

Sorry to hear about your Mom. Glad to hear she's doing well under the circumstances.

As for mentioning my need to H regarding my need for Honesty & Openness concerning his contact with OW/XW, I did just as you suggested. I calmly told him why I was sad [because he hadn't...] & why I need him to honor my request / keep his word. As I suspected, he was full of excuses, one being that he 'misunderstood' my request and assumed that regardless of the duration of his time @ work (36 hours in this case) he planned on telling me when he got home - even though I specifically requested DAILY updates. He apologized half-heartedly and then went into withdrawal mode. I tried to engage in conversation but he continued in his pity party, which is something he does whenever he hurts me. I became angry and in the form of an angry outburst I told him if he was going to ignore me I'd rather be alone, then I left the room. Later I returned long enough to apologize for the angry outburst and since it was clear he was still in the midst of his pity party I left again. It's just too darn much for him to put HIS hurt feelings aside ("...poor me, I hurt her again...") and provide me with the comfort & compassion I need. If only he'd do this, issues would be dealt with and over so very quickly. I've explained this to him time and again, but whenever I share anything the least bit negative about him, regardless of HOW it's presented, rather than care for ME, he goes off into Space mode / pity party mode and there is nothing I can say or do that will get him out of it. He hardly hears anything I say, or if he hears it doesn't register, because afterwards he'll swear otherwise.

I hate it that he has such control over how I feel. MB is a bunch of crap. All it does is teaches couples to be close and at the same time set the stage for the BS for yet another fall. Trusting is not safe. I felt confident about his working OT because trusted him to keep his word and the very first opportunity he had to show me he can be trusted he blew it, and I'm left feeling foolish for having trusted him yet again. I'll never learn.

I'm not so sure I WANT to be so close to him since it means being so vulnerable that his actions or lack thereof can cause me such pain. It could be so easy if he'd just DO what he says he'll do.

On the other hand, sometimes I wish I could just chill and not let any of it bother me; his longterm EA with EW/OW & the associated lies & deceit, the fact that he really doesn't give a crap about me as he is so good at displaying; the fact that his mother & her needs take priority over the needs of his wife & our relationship. It's all crap and he's so good at it.

Oh you sound so upset and I'm sorry for that.

I can promise you that you're on the right path to recovery. You just have to give it a chance.

Your H's pity party is very common. Believe it or not it's normal and part of his recovery process. Right now he's hating to see the hurt he's caused in you...can you imagine if it did not bother him?!?!?

Think about that for a minute...what if he couldn't care less about how bad he's hurt you.

You need to take his pity party as a chance to meet his emotional needs. It'll be hard to do...but when he gets down like that go to him and reassure him that you love him and that you will both get better.

Show him that you understand that it hurts him to see how much he's hurt you. Show him that you appreicate him and his willingness to work with you to save your Marriage.

I know it seems crazy and you feel like the one doing all the work while he's the one that made the mistake....but if you want to save your marriage this is something you have to do.

My H was famous for throwing his pity parties! I would scream inside my head.....'look at you sulking and feeling so sorry for the mess you've created!

This was something that made me cringe and made it hard for me to get out of the bed in the morning. What a cycle of doom! I get upset...he gets upset that I'm upset...I get upset that he's not comforting!

If you want it to end you have to become the bigger person. In the end your H will thank you for taking the steps to make him better...thus making you and your M better.

Do I sound like a lunatic? What are your thoughts to what I've stated above?

Ok, how does one get the QUOTE feature to work? I either get nothing or everything! I'm not normally so computer illiterate but I can't quite figure it out.

I wasn't aware that male pity parties are common. He's always had them, every time I so much as hint at something negative, regardless of how its presented. Drives me nuts. It's as if I shouldn't ever say anything that doesn't flatter him. Grow up already!

Quite frankly, the last thing I want to do when I'm hurting because of something he has done or neglected to do is meet HIS emotional needs! I'd rather throw him out the window at the moment, but luckily for him he's back @ work. When do MY needs get addressed...?...the needs HE created with his chosen actions? I know, I know, I'm being a baby, but for goodness sake, when I inadvertantly hurt or upset HIM I'm able to put MY feelings aside and tend to his needs, so why can't he do the same? Are men really that helpless?

We too experience the "I get upset so you get upset because I'm upset and by sulking instead of addressing MY needs you're choosing not to try to make things right, and how DARE you be upset when YOU created this situation" scenario. Sometimes I hurt so much I just want to crawl in a hole and die there. Now is a good a time as any. If only I had somewhere to go besides home I'd go in a heartbeat and let him figure out this mess for himself.

You don't sound like a lunatic; you sound very strong, actually. I give you a LOT of credit for taking the lead. Where/how did you find the strength in the midst of your pain? Some days I'm so sad I can barely get through the day @ work and not without trips to the ladies room to hide the tears.

What do I think about your comments? I think it's an aweful lot to expect the BS to pick up the pieces for the WS when it should be the other way around. It stinks that the WS gets his needs met even while he continues to bestow his W with thoughless, selfish actions. Some days I can barely get out of bed much less meet his needs. Why are guys so ignorant & selfish? Why are their selfish behaviors tolerated? I'm the fool.

It could have been so easy for him to maintain the progress we had made during our time together Friday & Saturday. All he had to do was remember to be considerate and keep his word by (1) voluntarily sharing the status of his contact with OW/EW and (2) call to touch base earlier rather than later on the 2nd day of (unscheduled) OT. I have a problem with him being @ work, he knows this, yet he "assumed" (one of his favorite words) it would be OK to leave me in the dark for 36 hours rather than meet my emotional need for openness & honesty prior to his returning home? Please, please PLEASE can I call him names?!?! What if I do so in an un-angry, un-outburst way? Simply tell it like it is...? [There. That feels better! <G>] It's kind of nice to rant & rave now and then.

Why does he insist on hurting me over and over again? Hasn't he already caused enough damage & heartache? Its no wonder why so many couples divorce.

Ok, I'll shut up now. I do hope your Mom will be fine. Now who's being selfish. I'm sorry!

Anngellica -

My Mom is doing well. Thank you for asking. She'll be home from the hospital soon. My sister is there taking care of her/driving her nuts. I'm kidding...my mom and sister are very close and they are both doing well.

hhmmmmmmmm...........you are angry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I can see that. And you have every right to be. But you also have to ask yourself to you want to save your marriage or do you want to throw a fit over him not doing what he said he would do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It won't be easy for him to volunteer the information... you might just need to ask for it in the beginning and then guide him on how to deliver the message moving forward. After all, you want to create an env that makes him feel comfortable.

Think about that for a minute...think about how easy it would be to throw your hands up and walk away from your M. A lot of people do thatyou know...it's takes a strong person to stay and fight for your M.

I'm telling you that you are putting in the effort now for what will become the greatest reward of your life. An H that appreciates you and sees what a wonderful wife you are for staying and fighting for him when the last thing in the world he deserved was understanding and having his needs meet.

I won't tell you that you can't call name...I called all kind of names and threw cereal bowls at his head...but it didn't help the situation. I felt better for about 2 minutes...then I was on the ground cleaning up cheerios!

My Plan A was side tracked by my angry outbursts. I even went so far as to say things like this:

You think you are the only one that gets hit on by other people? I've had more chances then I care to think about...with people a lot more successful than you. Then the first two-bit fluzzy that comes around sniffing...you fall for...what the h*ll is wrong with you...she's a freak'n man! (Sadly this part is true...she is very very butch and very out of shape...i'm not sure I would be able to recover from this if he had chosen a woman that was attractive or at least in shape....)

Do you see how horrible that sounds now? I remember saying it like I said it yesterday. Looking back I'm like...WTF?!?!?! was I thinking!?!?!?! Of course he knew I got hit on...some of his friend hit on me...I am sure this was something that made him feel like less of a man. At the time I just felt like trash tossed aside....so I don't feel guilty about my outbursts....I just wish I could have maintained composure at all times.

No one is perfect.

So if you H won't talk to you wihtout prompt...bite the bullet and ask him. You'll feel better about it in the long run. Who knows he might take his cue and start providing info without you asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I hope I'm giving you some hope. I promise I wouldn't be able to tell you these things if I didn't believe them myself.

You asked how I got through....MB...that's how. I used this forum and the people here to help me. I fought things and refused to do things people told me I should. In the end if I'd only listened I would have been better off...sooner. I also prayed a great deal. I would take each day one day at a time and I would draw strength from the small wins that I had.

I think we all heal from things differently. you just have to find out what works for you.

Don't be so hard on yourself...this is rough. If it was easy everyone would do it right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />