Heroswife –
As my daughter would say…”my bad.” I learned a valuable lesson. I should have listened to H when he wanted to explain, but because of his history of making excuses which included lies I refused. Shame on me!
We finally spoke last night – he hadn’t called all day so I called him @ work. He explained that he had planned on telling me when he got home from working the 36 hour shift Monday night, because he wanted to tell me in person rather than over the phone and in a serious manner, so that I’d know he had remembered and was taking my request seriously.
His plan would have worked just fine and would have been greatly appreciated if he hadn’t worked the EXTRA OT. But naturally when I didn’t hear from him all day and so much time had passed (30 hours) I couldn’t help but freak. I told him I appreciate what he had wanted to do and I apologized for not giving him the opportunity to explain. I think he understands why I behaved the way I did and we both learned from this experience.
On an altogether different subject, in an attempt to determine MY reasons for staying & working on the marriage I did some soul searching last night and realized that although he hurt me beyond belief, I still love him deeply. How that’s possible I don’t quite understand, but it’s true. Not only that, but I’m still drawn to him after all these years, although I’ve never been quite able to figure out why. Sure, he’s hot, but it’s more than that. I wasn’t physically attracted to him when we first met; I just thought he was a nice guy and liked him immediately. The physical attraction came later, probably as love bank balances grew.
I hope I'm giving you some hope. I promise I wouldn't be able to tell you these things if I didn't believe them myself.
You give me hope when I have none. You’re helping so much more than you probably realize. It is so helpful to discuss these issues with someone who not only understands because they’ve been there, but someone who has gotten past the worst of it, someone for whom MB has worked.
As for making of list of things that make me feel good or better, that’s a tough one, because when I’m as low as I can go there is nothing that really helps, well, almost nothing. My cats can be very entertaining and are sometimes able to make me smile when nothing else and no one else can. But when I’m sad & depressed I lose interest in everything I normally enjoy doing including working out, lap swimming, walking, reading, knitting & scrapbooking. Speaking of ‘scrappin’ I never completed our wedding album and if I hadn’t been diverted I would have chucked everything during one of my fits of rage. It’s still difficult to know he was carrying on with OW/XW even then, and the knowledge taints everything we’ve ever done together because she was always there in his mind and heart. But to get back to the subject of my feel-good-list, sometimes I have to force myself to get out of the house, like I did Monday. I did it, but didn’t enjoy it. I suppose I’ll have to keep looking for things that make me feel better about me.
Since I’m already venting you might as well get a look @ the whole picture ‘cause when it rains, it pours, right? Other stressful but unrelated issues including having to contact my XH via my attorney because he neglected to pay his share of our daughters college tuition and she was on the verge of being cut off (dorm key-card, meal card, penman-cash card, etc.) He kept SAYING he had the money & was GOING to pay but when the attorney’s letter arrived that threatened lawsuit if payment to the university wasn’t made by a specific deadline, his SISTER over-nighted payment to the school, meaning he DIDN’T have the money. I have three more years of this to look forward to.
And finally, I go for a 2nd opinion on Monday regarding the possibility of having a hysterectomy. The bright side is that I’ll be out of work for six weeks. The not-so-bright-side is that H is concerned about finances with my pay being reduced to 2/3 while I’m on short term disability. Of course, he refuses to reduce his astronomical payroll deductions to his retirement accounts, so I simply refuse to worry about it. He makes more than enough to make up the difference but chooses to have us live week to week even now with my full pay. We often run out of money before the next paycheck because of the amount he socks away every paycheck. We’ve spoken on this subject once recently, when I learned just how much of his paycheck is diverted to two retirement accounts, but nothing has been changed and the subject is not yet closed. My surgery may force him to make changes. Time will tell.
