I married my girlfriend/fiancee of 7+ years this past September 30. It was truly the happiest day of my life. I have been head over heels in love with her since the day we met and I couldn't imagine myself spending my life with anyone else. Just before we married, we moved to a different city so she could go to school.
Due to circumstances out of our control, we had to move with only one car, and I had to work graveyard so she would have the car during the day. It was tough, but I knew it was only temporary and did what I had to do. Anyways, I worked pretty much every night, going in at 10 and getting home at 7 or later. As we got closer to our wedding date, things were getting a little wierd- less frequent sex, a little feeling of distance between us, but I wrote it off to nerves, being in a new city away from friends and family and adjusting to not seeing each other as much as we had before.
In mid November, I found an email from a guy asking about calling her "again". One thing led to another and I found out that she had been having an "internet affair" with another guy (not the one she called), talking to him every night while I was at work. When I confronted my new wife with it, she denied it initally then confessed. She had never met the guy in person but developed a "relationship" on line, even going so far as to having cybersex and taking a couple of photos for him. When I found this out, I asked her to come clean with everything she had hidden from me in the past, and she dropped another bomb. She told me that she had sex with another guy the second year we were dating (she was 17) during a weeklong stretch where we had broken up (initiated by her). At the time, we had a long distance relationship and I hadn't been able to see her in two and a half months. I was her first sexual partner, and I thought I was her only. I felt like someone hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer having all of this dropped on me at once. I was devastated.
Initially she told me she thought she was in "love" with this guy on the net, and didn't understand why god would send her two "soul mates", which of course crushed me even further. My whole world was falling apart before my eyes. For some reason though, instead of hating her and calling it quits, I was able to look at the situation differently. I was able to see that the fling in the past was just that- a fling- and recognize that she was young and had the decency to call it off with me before she did anything and hid it because she didn't want to lose me. I spoke with my mother in law and she told me my wife wanted to tell me what she had done back then, but was afraid I wouldn't take her back. Her mother went so far as to say that SHE advised her that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me, as long as it was in the past and didn't happen again. The internet affair, of course, was harder to swallow- it had gone on for four months behind my back as we prepared for and went throught with our marriage and was a huge slap in the face. I looked on the positive side- it was not physical, and tried to rationalize it: for the past five years, we had lived together and spent most of our time together. She could not fall asleep unless I was laying beside her. When we moved, that had to change because of our schedules. I was never with her. Suddenly, the constant figure that was there to talk to, joke with and say goodnight every evening as she went to sleep wasnt me- it was him, online. I believe this person filled a void in her life- nothing more.
I moved out for a couple of weeks because she needed space and so did I, then we moved to be closer to her family. We both felt it would be better to be around family and friends than in a strange city alone.
She told me that she was never really in "love" with this guy on the net,but problem is that my she refused to stop talking to him. During some arguments, she told me she would rather end our marriage because it seemed like all we did was fight- she couldn't see that her internet "friend" was the REASON for the fighting in the first place. I was in a position where I knew that if my wife pushed me away because of this stupid ******, I was NOT coming back, so I had to compromise. She chatted with him only in front of me (the chats consisted of nothing but cyber sex, with him asking her where I was and if she was having sex with me to keep me from "suspecting" anything.). Even though I know it was just a game for her- it killed me that she couldn't see (or didn't care) how much having this guy in our lives hurt me. She had turned into an incredibly selfish person and I felt like I was turning into a wimp for putting up with it. There were days I wished I didn't love her, but i remembered the ****** she went through with me a couple of years ago when I owned my business and was miserable alot of the time, so I stuck it out.
Now that this internet ****** seems to be going away, I have another dilemma- my wife wants to be a flight attendant. This woman that I have loved and trusted for nearly 8 years totally destroys my trust in her, then wants me to give that trust right back and be ok with her getting a job where she spends her nights in random hotels around the country? After going away for 8 weeks for training? Give me a break! She doesn't understand what it feels like to have trust broken. I wish it was as easy to rebuild it as it was to destroy. To her, the fling was 6 years ago and doesn't matter. To me, it just happened so it still really hurts. A year ago, I wouldn't have given it a second thought about her being a stewardess- now all I want to do is let our relationship heal and actually START our marriage.
How do I let all of these things go? I feel like I need to know what happened with that guy in the past so I don't wonder about it and make it worse for myself- is that wrong? She has told me she is sorry about everything and she wants to be married to me, and I believe her- yet she still has to "pop in and say hi" to that guy on line every now and then. I don't understand why she can't just let it go, and why she can't understand why it still hurts me. Any advice?

Welcome. OUCH my eyes! Would you mind editing for paragraphs?

Romeo

I aggree I can't follow it without paragraphs. Not trying to be harse, but it is very hard to read.

WOL

So she's 23. How old are you? Any kids?

Continuing your out of sync work patterns has to change.

i agree- I dumped the third shift job and will never do that again. I am 29. No kids

Notwithstanding her affair tendencies, how would you assess her level of maturity?

WAT

Romeo,

So you tell her you would hate it if she became a stewardess, then what?? By the way, what was she going to school for?

So you are still "watching" while your W has cyber-sex?? How kinky is that???!!! Do you also write letters to Penthouse?

Sounds like your W has aquired a taste for the dark side and wants to explore it further as a flight attendent, becoming very self-centered and selfishly seeking self-gratification with no regards to you.

You said something about feeling like a wimp. I think you have every right to feel this way.

Maybe it's time to get some cajones', comprende?

You must pull the plug on the cyber-sex, or maybe pull the plug on the M, and cut your losses.

k

EDITED TO READ: I say cut your losses because you have been married such a short time and she was doing this while you preparing to get married!!

I missed that part.

What the heck is that all about, romeo?

No. Unacceptable. No compromise available.

WAT

funny you should mention that- she always acted mature and wise for her age, but lately, especially during arguments she regresses tremendously and acts childish at times.

i know how it sounds, but how do you rationalize with somone who is being irrational? You can't. that stuff has stopped now- and I had to believe it would or it was over. I know me. If I leave a relationship- I am DONE. I felt like a [censored], believe me, but I stuck it out because she stuck with me when I was drinking and being an ****** while I was swamped with my business. She was always there for me. She was my rock. This is not just a five month marriage we would be ending. We've been together for nearly 8 years. THe internet stuff is totally unacceptable, I agree. She has stopped it now, but she still doesn't get why it bothered me so much. To her, it's not an intimate thing- to me it is.

any advice on getting closure here? Sometimes i feel like i want to know what went on with her fling so I can stop wondering, but will that do me more harm than good? Like i said, it happened years ago to her, but to me it feels like it just happened because i just found out. I want to stop the thoughts that play in my head about what happened. I guess I'm thinking that if I know what went on, it will no longer be a "secret" and I will stop thinking about it. We have both made alot of progress with our marriage lately, but I don't want these questions I have to keep me from healing fully. Any advice is appreciated.

I am not an expert, but maybe you both should sit down and you explain to her how you feel and why you feel that way. NO LBing. I am sorry for the pain because I know that not knowing what happened allows you put your own spin on things. Your imagination can get the best of you. Try not to do that because you will drive yourself crazy. I hope everything works out for you. I will be praying!

Blondie33

thanks for the prayers- I've been doing that alot myself lately. I just want everything to go back to "normal". She has told me she wants to stay married and work through this. She just doesn't understand why the fling from six years ago is on my mind now- she doesn't get that it's in HER past, but I have to process it NOW. The toughest part is her not understanding why it's not ok for her to say hi to her "friend" on the internet. Her reasoning is that she knows now she was not in love with him and that they don't cyber anymore, so what's the big deal. To me, I can't heal as long as that knife is still in my heart. There can be no friendship there, end of story. She was a caring, loyal woman to me (that fling i'll write off to her being young- outside of that, until this internet ****** she has been amazing)and it baffles me that she can be this selfish now. She makes me feel like everything is getting back to normal, thanks me for sticking with her through this and tells me she wants to move forward with our lives together. But I can't move forward until this problem is totally eliminated from my life. I am waiting for her to have a "moment of clarity" and see that she is still holding that knife in my heart by talking to her "friend", even if it is, in her words, "just to say hi". Until then, the agruments will continue because I cannot get past this until it is completely gone.