Hey guys, those of you that watched my posts this weekend, understand I don't want a D, although I went to the Lawyer and started the steps. She is living at her folks since Friday a week ago, we have talked some but not seen eachother, she is coming to get her mail and maybe have dinner. I phoned her at work today and she expressed some of her fears about trying to make this work, we have never planned B...as we both always miss eachother...and end up getting together and then trying a short recovery???? Heck, this time we only made it to 1 joint MC and 1 each seperate councel and it went sour. How I'm not sure. Any ideas to help?Thanks.

For tonight

don't talk recovery or relationships

just enjoy each other's company

start there

Did it, we had a good time, she is tired and is relaxed. So...she is going to stay tonight. Just nice to snuggle. Later.

W stayed the night...nothing sexual, just real closness and fun. Weird thing....when she phoned to tell her Mom, she lied and said "we had ate supper, WB was phoned to work and I'm tired so I'm spending the night." I don't get it? She called so her Mom didn't worry....but lied about me being here? I know that her Mom, don't support me. She knew when her daughter was having the EA....pror to starting physical and didn't advise her to stop our relationship 1st. I still have trouble with that.

Things today took a swing....this has happened before though so I need advice on setting boundaries etc., she asked if we could go back to MC and walk in with being doubtful or wishy washy and say we are here to save our marriage and start a new.She is still in IC and told me last night that she has been so tired of trying at this with the small cont. screw ups that she would rather take her nerve pills in a tub and slit her wrist as have to make a decision anymore....I know that she has truly been frighting a demon on her decisions and I'm going to try this time to be more upbeat and helpful to her personal happiness. I feel most of this has been more about her along the way than us as a couple. Prayers and advice please.

WB, I don't know... she's been wishy-washy for so long. I feel sad for her, though I don't understand.

Do you think her IC is helping her?

You, my man, have a right to be tired. Your life has been this way for how long? When you look at it up close, she's vacillating. One day she wants to try, next day she wants to give up and be on her own. But when you look at it from a little further back, she's consistent. She keeps you in a permanent state of unknowing.

Imagine if she'd left you right when everything started and had never come back. You'd almost know where your life was headed by now.

What do you suppose you could do that would move things in that direction?

GC

I think the fact that I went ....to the lawyer, although I truly didn't want a D. She took a real hard look that things were about to end. "vacillating?" Hey I'm a welder...how about spelling that one out for me? Like Shop talk you know... I've lost count of the times she's went back and forth. I now need to set boundaries...I also know, if this time isn't the real recovery deal...I need to walk. Thanks. Next week will be 2 years. Maybe, if this does work...we can be a inspiration to many.

Welder

As you must know by now, you yourself are 100% RESPONSIBLE for the "groundhog" day's of your life.

There is no need to rain on the parade here....I wish you the luck you really need here in recovering yourself.

Some may see this "swing" as a reprieve from divorce, but I tend to lool at things MUCH MORE objectively. In your heart of heats you very well know what you are getting here, so in the end, at least you'll have noone else to blame. What else can you say.

Best wishes

Lem

Divorce - even if you (i.e. your WW) think you want it - is still traumatic. Based on her comment about slitting her wrists, maybe there is more there than you think. Even WW's have their own grief to cope with. I am just thinking out loud but I am wondering if this is not her response to her own depression. Sometimes people do the "right" things for the wrong reasons. I would just be careful before I got too hyped on her new outlook. If it is based on depression, once she moves beyond that, her outlook could change drastically.

How do you know when the fog has lifted? I wish I knew. The is the magic question.

On the other hand, I am no expert. All I know about the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is that the answer is apparently "42". Beyond that - I have no clue.

To paraphrase Bigger, hope for the best but expect the worst.

Thanks, I'll most likely fine out sooner this time that others cause, in the past I've not set expectations or boundaries...letting her just come home. This time, right now I'm working on a "plan" of recovery. This shpuld show me committment from her?

Your working on a plan of recovery only shows commitment from you. You cannot necessarily depend on commitment from her and I would not let that be a deal-breaker. Her commitment may come immediately or it may come later (or never). That should not alter your plan if you truly wish to recover. You cannot control her. You can only control you. Focus on you. Study Plan A and try to do a far better job of it than I have.

I would also be cautious of overambitious expectations. I prefer to expect the worst - that way I am never disappointed. I don't mean that to sound cynical. You are in a very dynamic situation. It doesn't follow rules.

She phoned me from work several times today and seemed positive...also she told her folks again, and they said go back and stay there.Her parents have always gathered her in...anytime she was upset. So, she asked me also for forgiveness and I her, I told her that I feel the forgiveness is easier than forgetting. She replied" I should ask the Lord to help me with that and ask for help in our marriage when I heave those thoughts." Later.

Yes forgiving and forgetting are two different things. My views on forgiveness are unchangeable so IMO you have no alternative but to forgive regardless of the outcome because there is a pretty strong role model for doing so. On the other hand, I would never forget. Otherwise you might end up right back where you are. You can forgive something and still remember it so they are not mutually exclusive.

Whatever brings your WW back home is positive. It is a lot easier to build on Plan A when you are under the same roof.

Good for you.