Post deleted by j11j5

I think it sounds a little on the scary side. While its true she can't change her past, I hope she was very careful while living it.

K.

If I remember the results of a recent poll regarding numbers of prior sex partners, the ladies were quite a bit more prolific than the guys, including a couple of "51+ previous partners" replies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. So, depending on how old you and your GF are, I am not sure that 11 is all that outrageous.

Now, the manner in which she met these people is definitely bothersome, and I would want to focus on that a bit more. Plus, it sounds like you are a fairly conservative person, and so this may be an indication of a big difference in values between the two of you - something that should definitely not be ignored.

AGG

Thanks for the reply, My GF claims that she tried to be selective of the men she went out with? My GF is 34 and I am now 32 I was married at 24 and divorced at 31. My GF got married in 98, beat breast cancer, her EX cheated on her and she got divorced all within 3 years. She regrets the wild years and has since dedicated herself to a christian lifestyle. I am a fairly conservitive Christian and she is now too. Our relationship was great until the skeletons started to fall out of the closet. Communication is good, my family likes her and her family loves me. I have invested into this relationship and I become confused about wether she should be punished for her past. She has been very open and honest. My ex had a similar past and she hid it from me and then cheated? I would like to hear more perspective?

Only you can decide what is important about a person's past for yourself. Regardless of what others think, her past is troubling you at the moment. Whether it is something you can, or want to get over will be up to you. I would encourage Radical Honesty with your GF about your ambivalent feelings...if that hasn't already been discussed.

Are you upset with the number of her sexual partners in terms of feeling intimidated by your more limited sexual experiences? Are you concerned she'd cheat on you? Why? How does that relate to multiple partners in the past...when she was single? Are you concerned about STDs? Do you fear that she is morally corrupt and can't have really changed?? That she is somehow "tainted"?



Your relationship can still be great, in fact even better! The only thing your GF did was not meet your expectations about what constitutes a trustworthy, good, moral person. At least your GF brought this out in the open now. Having a great relationship isn't about hiding one's faults, weaknesses, past, etc. It's about being willing to share those parts of ourselves which don't look so great with our partners. That allows for open communication. You know clearly where the other person stands. It's the unspoken, hidden agendas that often destroy relationships.

You'll do neither her nor yourself any favors if you continue with this relationship and can't get rid of your negative, confused feelings. Your feelings are what they are. Right or wrong.....they are.....

Punished for her past or for her honesty to tell you?

I mean... she's punished for her past already, for I don't believe it brought her much good (otherwise she wouldn't have changed that life style).

Also, if she's totally done with that kind of life - why the past is important for you? You are not going to live with her in the past, but Now, and Tomorrow.

Also, imagine just opposite; you meet a woman with no (that kind of) past at all... there is no guarantee she wouldn't like to try it sometime too...

So... issues are on your side... trusting her, your judgement, your feelings of your own adequacy, (in)security, self confidence... and you have to solve those issues within yourself (absolutely before M)... they might cause you some problems later on... with anyone else...

For me the question would be do I want to continue on in this relationship knowing what I now know. I would have to look at the whole picture. Do I love this person & believe, based on their behavior so far with me, that they are trust worthy, honest, kind, considerate & lots of other characteristics I consider important in my future partner.

Would I consider his past? Yes, & depending what it was, how he felt about it, does he take responsibility for his poor choices if he'd made any, etc...Do I need to take care of anything due to something he may have brought into my life. For example, before I'd had sex with him I would have wanted him to be tested. Again 6 months later for aids.

I do have a problem with the question of punishment. Who am I to punish him for poor choices he may have made? It's not my place. Leave him, take time to decide if I can go on with the relationship, yes, these things I can do, but punish? No.

If the roles were reversed & I'd had a wild past & told him that & he wondered if I should be punished, first I'd ask just how he imagined he'd punish me, then I'd likely consider leaving him.

Well, based on what you are saying, I don't see any trust issues. Maybe concerns about her previous lifestyle, values, etc, but I don't see where she has been untrustworthy. You said the other guys cheated on her, not the other way around, right? So, why the trust concerns?

Like I (and others) said, the important questions, which cannot be answered by a simple "yes" or "no", are why she chose the lifestyle she did (what does it say about her values, personality, background, FOO, stability, etc); what has changed to make you comfortable that that lifestyle is over and done with (not simply suppressed); and how well do you know this woman to know the "real" her and how committed she is to her newly found lifestyle?

I should have seen many similar red flags with my ex before marrying her, as they were there for anyone to see - but I ignored them all, or rationalized them away. The unfortunate truth is that in most cases, a person's past behavior is the best predictor of their future behavior - so do not ignore the past.

AGG

My GF, 10 years ago decided that she was tired of bad relationships with selfish people and then she met her X who seemed like a nice stable christian guy that turned out to be a cheater too. She then got breast cancer and has been in remission for 8 years. it was when she had cancer that she decided to live her life in a re-committed christian way. As far as I know she has been living this way since. I have open communication with my GF. I have never been on a chat like this before and it has been good to just get perspective from others experiences. Maybe I'm just nervious because I have been thinking about marriage with my GF. I trust her, I lover her, and I just need to sort out some of my feelings before the next step. This does help.

For a 34 year old woman that had a few "single" years - 11 partners IMHO - doesn't really sound that bad..Because you only had 2 partners that doesn't make her quantity wrong, except in your eyes.If this is something you can't get past - move on - BUT the older you get - I think you may find that a majority of women have had a number over 10..

Her number of partners or that she enjoyed a "carefree lifestyle" in her youth - doesn't mean she's going to CHEAT on you...People can change their values w/age, w/experience,w/wisdom..

HUGS

I am so glad I asked the question!!! It really helps me understand what it is like to be dating in my 30ies. Thank you for all the perspective. I feel better about my relationship and where it is going!!!:) Keep up the support.

OOPS - I forgot to post MHO - dating 7 months and already talking about M????



Meeting guys in clubs is what alot of young people do - it seems at a certain age - that's really the only place to met people - it's a social thing..

Now, "various ethnicity" - would bother me - only because of my own standards. I was raised in a small town and we didn't have "various ethnicity" so it's just how I was raised and that standard for myself that I've maintained. I'm sure many others don't feel the way I do about that..

What is important is that she is being honest with you and this was a number of years ago in her past. Ask yourself as a Christian: "Do you believe that Christ's influence in a person's life can change them?" If "yes", then who are you to judge her. I do think that it would be wise to take things slow. Not as a test of her, but to give the relationship time to build a firm foundation.

I went wild for about two years in college, resulting in my DD. When my children ask why not, I can tell them from experience. I am not the person I was in college, but it did shape the person I am now. I now hold myself to stricter morals and standards than most people I know. It shows promise that she is sharing these things but is not proud of them. This shows honesty and personal growth.

Generalization...
It could be, but it doesn't have to be...

Not related to wild or not 'previous' life, becoming the mother changed not all my life, but the way I'm thinking, doing, planning...
There is time for fun, and there is time for family.
Some (most nowadays) people can have both, and that's OK so far they know to distinguish the border when something stops for something else to begin... And where is his gf, he should know the best... or, better to say - time will tell... (Btw, 7 months is quite short... I advise much more time...)

I do beleive that being a follower of Christ does change people and one of the major things that my GF and I have in common is our faith in Christ!!! As a Christian I know what I need to do, love her for who she is today and thank God that he protected her from pregnancy, HIV and STD's (She has been tested every year for 6 yrs, I have been tested too). God's grace covers us all, if we ask for it!! I do get it and now I'm starting to feel bad for questioning her heart. My GF and I had a long talk last night and I have no doubt that she has a good heart and that she loves me with all of it. I think it is good to work some of these things out anonymously. We all have experiences that can help another person and we should use our situations to encourage others. Thanks again.

Of course, that is why I said "in most cases" and "do not ignore the past" - not "in all cases the past will repeat" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Unfortunately, until someone develops a functional crystal ball, past behavior is still the best predictor of future behavior - not guaranteed, but the best we got. When we allow words to replace past behavior (actions), we take a risk. Maybe a calculated one, but the risk should at least be recognized.

Yes, major life events can change a person - but some people adapt to pretend to be something that they are not, and that is all I am cautioning the poster about.

AGG

I knew what you meant; just wanted to be sure J11.. got it the same way.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Very true.
But things can be looked at from other angles too (and more optimistic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

There are things we were/are doing because of our personality, and some of them because of our age...

I mean... She was 22 at that time...
Maybe that was part of her finding herself...
Or, can't you say for yourself that many things you did at that age (or earlier) you could never do now?
(I can... )

I know no one's posted on this for a few days, but I just HAD to respond, since it's right up my alley.
I've changed who I used to be over and over as I've grown older. I'm not who I was 3 years ago and I imagine that in 3 years from now I won't be who I am today. I continually try to grow and be better.
When I was younger I was very wild and crazy. People who know me now CANNOT believe some of the things I tell them. I'm not proud of who and what I was, but it is a part of who I am today. If someone where to look back on that scared, lonely lost girl and judge who I am NOW because of that...well, that would really hurt, for one. Totally tee me off for another...
Who here is perfect? No one. Something I did in the past wouldn't surprise some people-it would not be a big deal at all. To others, however, it would SHOCK their socks off!
I have nothing to hide, today I am a loving, caring, wonderful person, who I never thought I would be.
And for anyone that would cast a stone in my direction...I'd tell them they don't deserve the likes of me!
As I say sometimes, Jesus wasn't down here hanging out with the "good" people. He was hangin' with the murderers and thieves. He changed them most-those who needed the most changin'. It isn't hard to become a good person FROM a good person, it's hard to blossom into an outstanding person coming from some depths others will never know.
I cheer your girlfriend-for who she is now, and who she was then. As Maya Angelou would say-"When she knew better, she did better."
When I become more intimate with people, I tell them about what kind of person I used to be. They don't care, because they can see what I am now. It doesn't matter anymore, because that's all washed away with the blood of Christ-and it's between Him and me.
Hope all this makes sense (it does to me!) and helps...!

Drita, your right and I appreciate your honest response. I know that my GF and I didn't meet by accident. God is helping me grow into a better person thru her love for me. I strive to love her like Christ loves me everyday. Most days I fall short and everyday I renew my resolve to try again. I have learned much thru this website because people have shared their experience to me and I know that my GF and I are not alone. When I posted the question I didn't know what to expect. I have gained new prospective on life and relationships. Mine has developed into a very positive one and I want to be the careing Christian man that my GF wanted. She already calls me her gift from God and she is my gift from our creator. If I can trust Jesus with my Salvation I can trust him with my relationship!! All it takes is a five letter word "FAITH".

j11j5

Fo sure! Good for you!
BTW-you WILL always fall short-you aren't perfect! And that's okay. That's awesome that you do your best everyday, you are way ahead of the game. And gratitude counts for so much!
I wish you well! Love her for who she is!