I am desperately waiting on my H to tell me why he did it.

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ONS three years ago on a business trip followed by e-mail.
"2 ONS" (if there is such thing) with a local girl he stayed in touch for 8 months after.
Recently a ONS (woman from another country) then e-mail and msn daily till d-day. He sended NC mail and no contact with any so far, ot even professional.
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He says he doesn't know why. He says there's no reason at all.

He simple refuses to talk to me about what happened before he did it. I don't want "dirty" details I just want him to be honest with me and tell me what happened that end up with him having sex with them, so we can figure out why he did it. I just want us to talk honestly. First he said I'll be more hurt if he talks about it. Now he says there are some things that he believes it's better not to talk about and he has the righ to keep it to him. If we always discussed EVERYTHING why cant we do it now?

My questions:
How can I move on if I don't know what happened?
How can I move on if I don't know why it happened?

How long should I wait for him to find an answer to WHY he did it?

D-Day was Jan 18.
Living in doubt for 2 years.
Desperate, depressed and loosing my mind.

Thank you all in advance. I only found this website 2 weeks ago and it's helping me a lot. I wish I had it long ago.

Willow

Having your questions answered is essential for your healing.

The following is a letter written by a BS to his FWW. Let him read it.

Joseph's Letter
I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions. This was originally posted on my BAN Message Board before it was closed. While I didn't keep any of the messages posted on that board, this was so exceptional that I got Joseph's permission to include it in "Peggy's Forum" so it could continue to be accessed by people who didn't read his original posting.
So I'm including it here as a clear statement of the "need to know," as well as a clear explanation of why you ask the questions:
"To Whomever,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
(end of Joseph's Letter)

wow... I am finally crying...

Thank you so much... I couldn't have expressed myself better.
And I guess after all I am not paranoid in my need to know and understand why.

I don't know why I am crying... I was feeling so sad and hopeless and just trying to figure out how to quit and keep living when I read your replay...

Willow

Well you've made my day Willow. God bless you. See if your WS will post here. also have a look at the infidelity FAQ's linked below in my sig.

My husband answered the why with, "Because I could".

Have him read Harley's, 'Surviving an Affair'.
Or, get the Marriage Builder's home study course (includes SAA and HNHN), listen to the tapes, and do the exercises together. If he is serious about recovering his marriage and building a better, more satisfying marriage going forward then he should be willing to do this with you.

If he doesn't want to face his demons and just wants to sweep it all under the carpet then he probably will eventually do it again and you will have a false recovery.
You can't -just get over it- without going through the process and that includes radical honesty and answering all your questions. It will be next to impossible to rebuild trust without that.

All the best.

Trix

Bikahuna, you are the one who made my day and gave me some hope.
Thank you so much.

I'll send him that letter now, and later on I'll bring him here to the boards.
I already got him here to MB... but he doesn't get it. (he says our situation is different, he was not having affairs, only kind of ONS things)
I'll send him the link to What's an affair as well.

Let's see how it goes from here.

Thanks all

Should I expect him to talk soon or I should give him some time?
I believe that to talk with radical honesty he can start right away...

As long as he finally understands the need to know the why is already a BIG step.

Willow

As there is no or very little emotional attachment, he should be talking straight away. Has he committed to your marriage? If he comes here to these boards he will find many similar stories.

lost willow,

try reading this thread on GQII

WHAT IS THE REASON WS'S CHEAT...

it could be helpful

Thank you RuffledNOT. I read it and yes it's helpful.

I don't know what level of emotional attachment he had for them at the time. knowing him I believe it was high... maybe that's what he's affraid to admit even to himself?
I believe now there's no level at all. Not really sure. He kind of gets sensitive when I tell him they must be some sluts and desperate singles since they sleep with married man on the first time they meet.

He says:
He wants to rebuild.
That he love's me and always did, that he never had though his actions could affect our relationship and our lives so deeply.
He's feeling guilty and he's affraid i'll end up leaving him.
He says he's sorry he destroyed our great sexual life and he's very affraid that we'll never get it back since trust is lost.

But he still refuses to tell me what really happened.

Anyway, Yesterday I wrote him the letter, inspired on that one you posted.

He said he finally understood it.
He said he's very happy I wrote it, for me because I must have felt relieved and for him because he finally understood.

He said he needed to think, If I wanted he could talk last nigh but he prefer to do it tonigh.

It looks like we made a big step. Let's see how it goes.

Thank you all for your support.

If I ever get the WHY out f him I'll post it here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />