Hi,

I have ben posting under designguy but my wife has been following my thread which I find interesting. Anyway, she has been sleeping in the other bedroom since August telling me that she was'nt happy in our marriage. A long story short, I gave her Sundays to go do what she wanted. I ended up doing much of the childcare of our 7 year old son while she was out and about. Well, 4 weeks ago I found out she was having an affair with her co-worker. He broke up with his girlfriend to be with my wife. She now tels me she thinks they love each other. She turned 40 last year and this guy is 35 and is an ex-alcoholic! He has sleeves (tattoos all over both arms). My wife is in management and is pretty straight laced...anyway, she says he treats her like no one has before. She can talk to him unlike me. She says that she may not love me any more and wnats to pursue this relationship.

We have been in couples therapy for 5 months and she never said anything about the affair until now! I had a small affair 6 years ago which we went to therapy for. Apparently my W never got over it. She thinks I got away with it which is not true at all but she uses it as a weapon when we would have fights.

Today is the first day she is out of the house. She got a month to month apartment about a miles a way from the house. We are splitting custody of outr little boy every 2 nights which is insane. She told him that her move was temporary...

I am feeling very lonely and still in shock this is happening. Bascally, she wants to test drive that relationship out and if it works she wants to leave me...I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she told me she is just mixed up and not ready for a divorce although all I hear are bad things about me even though I have done Plan A AND have been going to therapy for the last 6 months dealing with all my issues. She says I am not the same person and have been amazing through this not showing any anger but it's not enough.

I'm really scared that she isn't coming back...she has caused so much desctruction in both our families because of this affair. Her parent s have dis-owned her but she is driven to go ahead with this affair...is it an affair still? She wants it out in the open.

I was hoping she would be gone a month but this relationship seems to be very strong. I feel like I'm in a movie...everything has ben so dramatic so far.

Anyway, we said good bye today and she said sorry for all this and I told her just to come home. I have not emailed her and called her at all today. She was telling me I have been overwhelming the past few weeks which I probabaly have been.

I'm 44, married 10 years, wife 40, with a 7 year old son.

I don't feel very hopeful after not getting any signs of love for 6 months and telling me that she might not have loved me since my affair 6 years ago which is crazy. She says she thinks she knows what love is now and has to follow her heart BUT doesn't wnat a divorce right now!

Oh, she still wnats to go to couples therapy even with the affair is going on! I told her that is crazy but she said i would be shoot myself in the foot if I stopped it. It is the only place we communicate...help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Being married to an alcoholic, believe me there is no such thing as an ex-alcoholic. That monkey never leaves the back and can rear it's ugly head when least expected. It can be managed but it takes much effort and dedication.

It's tough living with an alcoholic whether drinking or dry. Often they trade one addiction with another. If this is the case here, it won't be long until she notices the big difference between healthy and sick. That may help with the fog.

I know her leaving is so very difficult for you but can you see the possibilities that it may give her a chance to see what needs to be seen?

I think it's good that she wants to go to couples therapy and I think it is a good idea for you to go as well. She'll need help when the fog breaks and you want to be there along with a professional to assist in the process.

Well, actually, this is very good news. Since she is out now, she will get a good taste of being around him and being without you. Nothing like reality to wake up a WS.

I know you are sad and lonely, but really this is probably for the best. Affairs have a huge fantasy component. She will be able to figure it out much more quickly.

Have you heard of plan a and exposure. That's where you start

Also, I would save the money on couples therapy. There is no point in going while there is another man. Be sure to let her know that.

I think couples therapy is a grandiose waste of time while she’s in the midst of an affair….she needs reality therapy. Why let her take your child to a new residence? You don’t think he’ll be exposed to this creep? Also…get someone to do a background check on this guy….he fits the profile of a man with a “colorful” history. If you can pay to get some sort of criminal history check do so. You need info on her “bad-boy- toy”.

If all exposure has been done…now is the time to see a lawyer, get informed and secure your assets after ensuring your son is protected from this guy. Then cut off any and all support both financial and emotional. She needs to get a large dose of reality all at once immediately after a terse plan B letter.

A "small affair"??? Sorry, but there *is* no such thing. What you are doing seems, to me, like minimizing, and so it's no wonder your W never "got over it". (BSs don't get over it, per se, but I'll let someone else explain that) I am a FWW. I saw OM 8 times. By some standards, that's not much contact. I can assure you that my H does not consider it a small affair. It's gargantuan to him, the 800 lb gorilla in the room, and it's been over for 4 years.


That is rough. It sounds like your M never recovered from the A and that your W is still smarting from the betrayal. Not to mention using it as justification for her own A.


Crazy? No, not really. But there is always hope. Always.


Seize on her desire to go to therapy and not to get a divorce! It's not crazy to do so. These forums are full of people who were once in your shoes. They can give you some good advice. My advice would be DON'T GIVE UP. You have a son. Fight for your M.

Divorce is he!! on children.

I'm torn on the therapy. She really doesn't use it for marriage counseling plus she has dictated on the rules so far.
This is Day 2 out of the house and I am going crazy. I miss my son.

I want her to feel some pain from all this.

Why did you allow her to take your son with her? Will she be exposing him to OM? This is not a good situation.

Who

Terzio, it is not good for your son to be shuffled from house to house at the whim of your WW. Every two nights? How confusing all this must be to him. He needs some continuity. G-d, do I feel for kids of divorce...

I think in my short time on this forum I have never delivered what people refer to as a 2x4, but I may be about to do it now. I'll make sure that the 2x4 is padded.

Is there a *formal* separation and custody agreement? If your WW has simply decided to move out, you are under NO obligation to allow her to take your son with her, simply because she is his mother. That doesn't cut the mustard. One of the things that may sometimes bring a WS back is the realization that they can't have their cake and eat it too. So, your WW can't have her son live with her while she is out of the house. She can visit him - it's not like you're cutting her out of his life.

What she is doing is abandonment.

By allowing her to take your son, you are enabling her. I would speak to a lawyer now. You have a choice in this matter.

I had to watch my mother "get friendly" with the 19 year old next door when I was a kid and my parents separated. Is this what you want for your son? Is it?

I went to live with my father shortly therafter, but I was a strong-willed kid of 12 and my father wanted custody.

Do you? What *do* you want here?

Yes, you are right but wI am trying to keep all of this as calm as possible. I have made it clear that our house is her home. She says if he doesn't like the apartment, he can come home.
We have an agreement that he will not see this guy at all, only if we were to divoce would she bring him around.
I am going to get some legal advice.

She is not exposing him to the other man at all. In fact, she is living a double life; single mom in her little apartment and then driving up to another City to stay with her M on the other days. We have an agreement that he will not be seeing my son.

This whole schedule is temporary...I am hoping this crazy schedule breaks down really quickly.

My W's friends don't think she is rational right now (fog).
I am hoping in the next few weeks the reality of what she has done to me and her son and her family hiys her straight b/w the eyes. My W is an avoider so this is her way not to face our issues in our marriage.

You have to understand why I amYou have to understand why I am torn about therapy. She is dictating everything. I feel like she wants to go to therapy just to keep track of my emotions. I know she is right that it has helped us alot but not enough for her to give up this other man.

She says she could have moved in with this guy but she hasn't. She wants her own space...wants to see if she misses me...not with this guy around.

Good plan.

Good again.

I do think that you need to speak to a lawyer. Your wife sounds pretty mixed up. I feel for both of you, and your son.

Take care.

You are so right about my affair...there is no such thing as a small affair. I say that because my W is in an affair that she wants to make a real relationship. She says she is in love with this OM. They have been seeing each other everyday for months. My affair had nothing to do with love. I aam trying to tell my W of what the details of my A 6 years ago but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lies she tells you to keep you in place! My wife did the same thing. Left me and the kids to move into an apartment to figure things out. Reality? She moved into the apartment so she could be with OM full time.

Couples therapy is not for you right now. It isnt useful. When she is ready to be a couple, then there can be therapy.

Get ahold of your son. This back and forth aint good. She wants to leave? Then she can...but the boy stays in his home.

In His arms.

Why? I think it's great you are calm, but you must calmly rock this boat....HARD. Otherwise she wil calmly detach from you, calmly continue screwing a man you don't seem to know much about and calmly expose your child to him....oh, I forgot.....the WS won't do that cause she said so.

You want this to hit her between the eyes....then quit letting her life be so calm or she will calmly divorce you. Your son needs you to fight for your family...his family...let the consequences begin. Do not do it to "cause her pain" she has caused her own pain, though you don't seem to want her to feel that. Get your son home where you know he will not be subject to her profane lifestyle. I'm not suggesting filing....but determine from your lawyer what you can legally do to prevent your son from being yanked from his home.

Is she using the family money to finance this affair? Are you making payments on a car she is using to pursue this affair. Are there joint credit cards that she uses to buy gifts for the OM. There may be all sorts of ways to apply pressure to this affair. Her world should not be "kept calm". Protect your son, your finances, and yourself. Then leave her to her own devices to revel in the bliss of being a single woman with limited access to her son, finances and with a safety net.....only if she commits to her family and "forsakes all others" as she vowed to do.

Don't confuse Plan A with "Plan nice" It's not meant to be...nor is meant to go on indefinatly.

I have been calling around to attorneys and they are saying in CA we have equal rights to my son even though she is having an A and has moved out. As long as she is a good mother.

The other problem is she is the primary bread winner in the house...she got a bonus the other day and is using it to pay her rent.

It is so crazy.

This thing could go either way. My W is usually very level headed but she is drievn by emotions right now. She says she needs to follow her heart and do this for HER right now.

Her parents won't talk to her or help her with childcare the days she has my son and I will not see or talk to her right now. She is prety much on hher own.

I hope you are right about this separation. She is acting like she is in high school again noy a 40 year old mother of one who is a IT manager.

This is the second night of separation and I had to take a 1/2 day off of work. My family is not too hopeful at this point but I can't believe she would throw away everything and see her son part time for a guy she met 7 months ago.
She told him how unhappy she was in her marriage and he is the first man to tell her how smart and beautiful she is...please!

She says I have been amazing through this. I haven't shown my anger but the OM got in front of you.

Does anyone know how long these things last especially when they are telling each other they love each other?

She told me that it is stressful on "them" as well referring to the OM!
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