I just found this site, and I am crying with relief, I have been looking for some help, and one of them is emtionally I needed to hear that what I feel is ok, and that I am not a scorned women, that my husband is not a dead beat dad. And much worse things I have been called. It has gotten that I was sooooo depressed and mixed up I was getting scared. After reading some of the post here I broke down and cried at last someone that will understand my feelings!!
My prob started back in Sept. 2004, all of sudden my H jumped up and said he was leaving, it was total shock for me and our 3 boys. He was gone for a week, he called constantly, upset and didnt know what was going on and why he he left. After he left I relized things I didnt before he left and when it started, about a month before it we watched a home video that had one of sons that had died several years before, which still we have a hard time dealing it, that was first time we watched it. After that he was sleeping alot, not eating, seemed disinterested in things he loved before. Then he left. I still pray to this day I could of seen the signs before he left. I finally got him convinced to come home and we will get him some help. He did admit too that he had a one night stand with a younger co-worker.
I dont have to tell you guys the pain that you go thru when you find out that! But I knew my H I knew what a loving wonderful man he was, and tho depression was no excuse for that, but I was willing to try and forgive him. But he had to quit his job right away and have no contact was the only thing I asked.
That was something I have never once regretted, he does so much more for me and the kids (they do not know about the affair tho), he tries so hard. He leaves me little love notes, call from work to just say he loves me. It has been a year and half and he still does little things. And I know he is very sorry, I see the pain in his eyes, he was never one to cry and he will still hold me and cry and say he is sorry.
Tho there was still so much pain we was really dealing with it slowly but now all them are ripped open and get salt poured over it. Last Nov. my H was served papers that he was one of possiable F of a child born to the one night stand. He had the test and in Dec. we found out he was the F. Tho it tore me apart I told him that if he wanted to be in the OC life I would try find a way to deal with it, but that we make arrangements to pick up OC at GP or something I wasnt ready for him to have contact with OW just yet. But he said no, and after we talked about it we really believe that it would be in the best interest of the child to TPR. OC would always be a reminder of the pain, even tho I promised never to show it, it might pick up on it. And I worry about my kids. One son is barely passing school, we had to get him help cause he cant over the fear of his dad might leave again. Plus OC will eventally ask about... we will never tell until OC but we strongly believe when they ask we give honest answers. Even if we lied the OC will figure it with figuring out how long we been married, the half brothers age being older. Is it fair to put OC feeling bad about its conceptation? But we still have to work on that CS is saying no way.
Last week we went to court. We had no legal help. We cannot afford a attorney, legal aide is short staff and not enough funds. State Bar... not the reduce funds cause he was never to the M and not the pro bono cause he does have a job. So we went to court and they asked for half of his check (he makes 1.300 a month), his income is the only income coming in. I had to quit my job year ago, and cant return to work.
Even tho I was being quiet about it, I got mad the other day, now they say we have to cover medical insurance for OC. By the time they take out CS and we pay the very few bills we have we only have 200 left for the month. Insurance is taking that!!! My kids are not even covered, we get state help for that.
They are saying that they are doing what is best for the child, but what about my kids???? were are they watching for them?? They take half of our check for one child and we have 3!!! My kids are covered by the state but we are forced to cover OC!! M does make alot more money to boot! We have no money left to buy groceries!! We talked to our case worker, we cannot get a check cause we are married, we can only get $30 in food stamps. And if my H gets a 2nd job? We wont qualify for medical assisstant anymore!! One son has very serious life threatning health probs, meds alone run 900 a month! How do we choose? Get another job and lose my sons insurance (pre-existing probs no insurnace will touch him) and the job he will get wont amount to much my H is not even a H.S. graduate. That is saying my kids dont matter, or risk him going to jail, losing his license which will result the loss of job.
I am just so at my wit ends!! Why are my children not be watched out??? And now I am mad... she knew she was married and she still slept with him. Yes he is at fault but she is just as much, she could of said no!! Why cant she be held in her part of it??? The only ones that are paying for it is me and the kids. I feel bad sometime cause OC did not ask to be born into this, but now I need to stop feeling bad and stand up for my kids. I want to sue her for the amount of income that my kids have lost until my youngest turns 19 :-( We have had no contact with OW but just at court she never even let H know that she was pregnant, and even tho she makes more money then us she is taking us to the cleaner.
Thanks for listening. I know it was long but I am hoping that I can get some sleep tonight after venting and knowing others feel the same as me

Gosh, Hon, I wish I could give you a big hug and a pro bono lawyer to straighten this out! That's nuts!!! That sucks!!!

I don't understand why the amount is so high? I thought it was always a percent of income(?), so HALF just doesn't make sense. What are state guidelines? That's more than we pay and my dh makes much more. Boy do I feel lucky.

Thunder, I used to think about oc and wonder that stuff so much. Perfectly natural. Read Lynn G's "we met the OC this weekend" thread. OC's perspective will be very influenced when young by what Xow tells him, and he'll EVENTUALLY consider other points of view, or not; it's all so outside our control! I've known at least 2 adult OC and for the most part they are just living their lives like anyone else, ya know? Neither had contact and both felt badly for the bio-dad's wife without even meeting her. You are both victims.

You certainly have your hands full healing your marriage, caring for your kids and finances. I'm so sorry for your son's poor health and loss of your other child. Losing a child and depression really hurts couples. Your H is remorseful--yea! In the long run, their guilt is worse than our pain.

I hope someone can help you with legal asap!
J

thunderstorm, I have no advice for you, but I UNDERSTAND. I posted pretty much the same thing when I found out what the CS was going to be. It can't be fair in situations like these, but the laws should be changed. They changed them years ago to make it more fair for single mothers, but when there is was no "standard of living" why should OC have to live at that standard to the detriment of the other children. It's wrong and I don't care what anybody says, it's screwed up and the system has yet to figure out a way to deal with it. Some people even filed for temporary support before the court hearing, so their CoM would be somewhat protected. I don't know what to say. Maybe someone else will have some better advice for you, but as it sits in my house, we just had to suck it up. Take care!

Just what I need to hear this morning, some one that said they understand. I have been so put down the past week saying I was the bad one, one site even said to quit blaming her she was the innonece one and blame the cheater.

They dont realize that I have blamed him, but I know he is very sorry, I am no fool, I would know if he is pulling the wool over my eyes, and he is not pretending, I can see in his eyes that the guilt is eating him up. I know in my heart he is trying to make it up to us, and big part of my heart has forgiven him, there a time I want to scream at him WHY???? HOW COULD YOU??? But I bite my tongue cause I know he is hurting too. And I know he picks up on those feelings. He is so much more in tune to my feelings now, he will grab me and ask me what is the matter. And if I cry he cries.

Things were getting so good between us before we got served papers about the OC, and now the wound has been ripped open with salt being poured on it and I got to relive it again.

Yes CS part of it sucks, I didnt think they could take that much either, but I checked into afterwards and yes they can take up to 50% of his check. But they should consider our finances too, just because they could dosnt mean that they should :-( But today after this I am going to go from lawyer to lawyer and try to find one that will help us. There was just one person that i felt was on our side, the judge, but I dont think he was real clear on the laws, he asked her lawyer some question and the lawyer danced around and the judge got mad and told him to answer and the lawyer came right out and lied, the judge seemed mad saying that the father has no right this case is different and then he looked at my H and told him to check into it. Gave the OW what she wanted and walked out.

But it is not all about just the money, it is just that it is a new issue for us the past week to deal with, we dont mind paying but paying what is fair to kids too. They have asked us to chose, we have 10 days to cover OC and if we dont find help in the meantime we will have to chose. Tho I have not said anything to H about what to decide I know he is going to choose our kids, I know he will risk going to jail before he will do something to lose the kids covereage they have. I got a letter from the state at my request saying that if he got another job that we will lose coverage. I have checked into other coverage and that is out of the question. We are caught between a rock and a hard place.

My mom always told that God wont put onto you more then you can take. where does he get the idea that I can take all this??? I have to hide all this, cause the kids are so emtional right now tho they are only aware of that their dad left and right now I dont feel they are strong enough to deal with more. But I just cant take the pain anymore. I hurt so bad I dont even if their is a god, cause how can he put so much pain on me. I am so tired of the pain, I am so tired of being so twisted about what to do, I am so tired of the anger of the OW, she could of said no, she has never told me sorry for her part in it. Dont she has no morals??? I cant take the one minute of feeling so anger and then guilty for feeling that much anger to one person. The only thing that I am sure about is that I made the right decision in trying to forgive my H, him and the kids are the only thing getting me thru every day. Where does God think that i can handle all this, taking my child, then adding the next worse thing that could happen to me.... this cause I take marriage vows so seriously. The A was one thing, but to add OC... I dont I will ever find peace now, just more of the wounds getting ripped up for me to relive over and over.

Ok i know i am rolling in self pity, I just need to know what ways to decide on my decsion, if we chose the right ones, and will be able to live with the ones that we chose and how long does it take for this pain to get easier to deal with??

You're grieving. Your devastation, I'm sorry to say, is normal. They say it takes about 2 years to recover from an affair *and that's when there's NO Ochild involved*. It gets better gradually, though. Like 2 steps forward, 1 step back (some days 3 steps back, but going forward again).

I'm so sorry. We're here for you (and so is God).

I think your lawyer idea is EXCELLENT. What a pity the judge did not even know the law!! Keep making copies of all the information you find and re-try to case!

Hugs,
J
7y in recovery and glad I stayed

About the insurance - you can have OC on the same State-based insurance as your kids are on....We had that at first with OC, till dh got a better paying job.

Hugs TS. You are not alone.

My mom always told that God wont put onto you more then you can take. where does he get the idea that I can take all this???

Thunderstorm, I had to deal with this question as well for the last few years. We also had a child who was very medically challenged yje first year of his life and though some may disagree with me, I don't think God puts us through this. Some medical stuff happened and my son ended up with multiple birth defects, my H chose not to use a condom, now I have an OC.

For me, God comes in NOW, the one thing I prayed for over and over after I found us was PEACE, peace in my heart no matter what I decided to do with my life and eventually I had it. I have peace with my life and MY decisions, I can't change what IS, I can only move on from here. You're in a hrad place that most people don't even fathom. YOU have choices and if you decide to stay, the "new and improved" marriage (with work) may outweigh the financial burden you may now endure. Though I don't think the financial burden should be so great on your H, it is the way it is right now. Definitely get good legal representation and hope for the best. Research everything you can, fathers don't have many rights from what I can tell, but sometimes things work out. Good luck to you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Thunderstorm,

I'm glad you found this site, it is full of wonderful, caring, and empathetic people.

God does love you, He has not abandoned you and He won't! This suffering, this struggle, can be used by you to bring you closer to God, make you stronger, and to let him show you His love for you. God's ways and God's timing can be very very hard to understand, it is a trial of faith and patience no doubt.

[color:"brown"] From Streams in the Desert (a daily devotional by L.B. Cowman), July 19:

Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me? (John 18:11)

To "drink the cup" was a greater thing that calming the seas or raising the dead. The prophets and apostles could do amazing miracles, but they did not always do the will of God and thereby suffered as a result. Doing God's will and thus experiencing suffering is still the highest form of faith, and the most glorious Christian achievement.

Having your brightest aspirations as a young person forever crushed; bearing burdens daily that are always difficult, and never seeing relief; finding yourself worn down by poverty while simply desiring to do good for others and provide a comfortable living for those you love; being shackled by an incurable physical disability; being completely alone, separated from all those you love, to face the trauma of life alone; yet in all these, still being able to say through such a difficult school of discipline, "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" - this is faith at its highest, and spiritual success at its crowning point.

Great faith is exhibited not so much in doing as in suffering. -Charles Parkhurst

In order to have a sympathetic God, we must have a suffering Savior, for true sympathy comes from understanding another person's hurt by suffering the same affliction. Therefore we cannot help others who suffer without paying a price ourselves, because afflictions are the cost we pay for our ability to sympathize. Those who wish to help others must first suffer. If we wish to rescue others, we must be willing to face the cross; experiencing the greatest happiness in life through ministering to others is impossible without drinking the cup Jesus drank and without submitting to the baptism He endured.

The most comforting of David's psalms were squeezed from his life by suffering, and if Paul had not been given "a thorn in the flesh" (2 Cor. 12:7), we would have missed much of the heartbeat of tenderness that resonates through so many of his letters.

If you have surrendered yourself to Christ, your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father's hand to chisel you into shape for eternity. So trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using, or you will miss the result of His work in your life.

Strange and difficult indeed
We may find it,
But the blessing that we need
Is behind it.

The school of suffering graduates exceptional scholars.
[/color]

God loves you, hang in there!
MSA [color:"brown"] [/color]

Thunderstorm....I'm so sorry and I feel your pain.

The laws have GOT to change......
I was recently back in court for cs.
Saw a woman walk in with a HUGE Gucci purse on her way for her appt with the judge.

My husband and I have been going back and forth for almost TWO years for child support. They are trying to find hidden money.

Child support is NOT about the children, it's about the government getting paid.

All of us need to stand up. We need to write.
There is NO accountability for the woman who screws the married man.

In our case, this "woman" owns property with over $100,000 in equity, has excellent credit, yet she is collecting welfare. When we are in court, she is looked on as the victim while my husband is attacked and asked all kinds of questions about his income.

Thunderstorm, you will have to learn to FIGHT the system.
The system does NOT care about you or your family.

God IS in control!

Yes you are soooo right we need to change the CS laws. To me they was set up for H that leave their familys and not for situtation like ours. They need to look at it case for case. We was not even in court for 5 minutes, it went that fast. Her lawyer asked and the gavel came down. Tho I have this gut feeling that the judge was not happy about it. My H said the same thing that F that in his shoes should band together and stand up and fight.
I found this site from Harvard law that talks about sueing the OW and it does make so much sense, that they need to be held in accountable for their part in the act saying that tho the WH was a fault too, the OW could of said no and at least with her the situtation would of never have happened. But because of her selfish act she should take responsiablibily in it. But that law is not legal in all states, which is wrong. Makes me feel like my car radio is more protected then my COM or my marriage vows. I want to sooooo bad go to the paper and blast her and the system, having her name plastered all over the paper would make me feel good, but then if she had no morals for her action this might not bother her either. But my kids stop me from doing this, dont want to put more pain on them and have their friends talking. They do not know about the A yet, at this time I dont feel they are emtionally ready for it, they are still trying to recover that F left for couple of days. And yes the last 2 days, my pain and tears have turned to anger. I have notice the past 2 months that I bounce back in forth between many many emotions.
Right now I am angry, and i want to fight every inch of the way to change things cause it has made me realize that F do not have any rights at all! And if a women knows that the man is married, I dont think she deserves rights either. My H made a terriable mistake having a one night stand, and i wished they would take that into consideration and base the CS from what what we could afford.
I am still working on getting us a lawyer, but we did write the courts saying that we contest the medical insurance and they called this morning saying we got a court date on the 23rd. I am hoping that by then I will have someone to help us with the whole situtation but if not at least the judge will hear about the medical and hopefully listen. And work on the other later, baby steps is what I decided I needed to take.
Sorry to hear that you are going thru the same thing, it sure does stink, and maybe we can find the answers to change things!! Cause they are NOT the victims, WE ARE!!
Last night I almost snapped at my son. I was not mad at him but at her for putting me in that position. I have told them for a while things are going to be really tough money wise but be patience while I figure things out. They dont know the reason. Today my sons class was going to spend the day going skiing. I gave him the $15 last week to turn for the trip. And was able to scrounge up $20 for him to buy lunch and hot chocolate or whatever while he was on trip. I never once told him how hard it was going to be giving him that. But last night he asked if I could just pack him a lunch, I said no I will just give you money to buy lunch but he kept insisting I pack him a lunch, we went back and forth couple of times, the anger started to boil in me and I just looking at my son with his kind eyes and soul and I just hated the OW so much!! Do you think it would of bothered her if she saw that??? NOT! How does the courts find that fair??
The only thing I am holding onto now is that I raising good kids, to be honest caring people with morals. I can hold my head up high. What is she teaching her child?? How can she teach her child about morals, when she has not set a good example. I just hope this generation learns from their parents mistake and put things back the way it should be.... especially in marriage vows.
If the courts would stand up more the family then for the OW, especially in a case where she knew he was married then maybe things would change!!

We need to write to our congressmen and women.
Familes need to STAND up.

I am sickened that what one person does affects an entire family.

The "woman" in my sit has TWO children. The other father is not involved either. I am upset because this woman is on welfare, with excellent credit, a BETTER car than me and owns a condo with over $100,000 in equity.

When we are in court MY husband is attacked.

Now my husband had an affair with this "woman" for six months. Also, this "woman" is 42 years old.
Her behavior is that of someone quite younger.

I realize that I no longer hate her.
You really do reap what you sow....

We have no contact. She has two children by two different men and these children don't see their fathers.
When she called me (the one time she called). She cried that she was a victim, and this was the second time she had been dumped by a man and left with a child.

Now what I DID do was research on the woman.
I strongly recommend that. I found out that Ms. Innocent was committing welfare fraud. I went and got ALL the info I could and sent it to the welfare fraud unit.
That's how you fight back.

God revealed so many things to me. I never laid a finger on her.
Be strong....

Savahanna, didnt the other women learn her lesson the first time?? Did she do something wrong and thought she had pratice at it till she gets it perfect??

I agree and even thought of the same thing visiting my congressman. Laws are not going to change on their own....
And I got to find some way to vent this anger that is starting to build and a letter I got today it just adding fuel to the fire.

Got a letter today from a attorney asking about the back payment. Never mind the fact that we didnt know there was a child and never mind that they didnt even know until last month that he was the father, they want the back payments all the way back to the OC birthdate! we cant even figure a way to make the monthly payments (well we dont have a choice in that since here they auto take it out of our check) and we are already considered several thousand in debt!! And they want it! We have so many days to respond to this letter but any back payments will be reported to our credit, and that is so unfair!! We dont have no credit, its not like we have bad credit we dont, it just that we dont have credit cards cause we believe if you cant pay for it you got to wait till you do, our car we always saved and bought right out, but now it seems that can be ruined and it says that they can stop my husband from renewing his license if not paid. I dont have a dime to my name and they want us to come up with what we dont have.

I would like to take that letter and get in my 12 year 194 thousand mile car and personally drive into her [censored] and span brand new car still with transit sticker that she drove to court in to deliver her my response to that letter!

I had to LOL @ lynn reponse in no contact thread about not to worry about it all they can do is take 50% of his income and no more!! Well they took 50% and now we got to add insurance (if we dont win that one in court) and now back payment! Glad 50% dosnt bother her and glad she dont have to her son feel bad just take a few bucks to eat on!

Ok I am going to vent this anger out on some housework before everyone starts to think I am nothing but a hateful old hag.

Yes, I don't understand this sytem. In situations like these, it says there is some "standard of living". This presumably comes from the fact that 2 people were married, rasing child (children) at a certain standard and now the child shouldn't be punished for parents divorced and should be supported to same "standard".

OK, now here we are in this situation and there is no way to address it. My CoM are NOT in system, hence, they don't exist AND OC is supported to a standard of an only child. In other words, if this were OUR 4th child, it wouldn't live as well as it does with her single mother. So, therefore, my children live at a lower standard of living than OC. It makes no sense and any XOW who say they only want "what's right" isn't looking at the whole picture either...but then, I guess they never did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Give Colddayinjuly a medal, she hit the bullseye! you worded it so much better of what I have been trying to say!

That my children have been forgotten!

Thank you for taking my rants and rave and making it more clear of the point i am trying to get across!

I know I am ranting about money this and money that, actually right down to it I dont give a rat about money, if I did I wouldnt of married a poor working man. I love what he gives us instead, all of his time. Since my kids started sports when they was 5 he has coached all three of them teams, like now he is coaching 3 seperate basketball teams, then we go to baseball and soccer. He has never missed a school play or teacher conference. He does the same for me, he always take my birthday and our anniversary off. I would never trade the time he gives to us for no money. He made this bad mistake and I try so hard to understand, but he dosnt even undestand to explain it to me. But then what explanation is there to justify what he did? None. There are times I will look over at him and my heart will swell with so much love, and then suddenly a stab will shoot thru and and in my head I will scream WHY WHY?? But somehow thru all that i know we will make it thru it and our marriage will be better. I see alot of little things now that makes me deep down if I can get rid of the pain see that.

If we had the money, I would gladly give it to her, even tho I do think that it is so WRONG, but we dont and like you worded so well, my kids dont exist. Mine are going without so hers can have things my cant have.

You need to call your local attorney generals office and discuss this with him. Taking 1/2 of your income for one child? That is so disgusting. What I was talking about was only having to be liable for 50% of medical costs. We fought like tigers to keep our money in our family. The other child may be 1/2 of my husband, but he was not part of our family and we fought to keep child support to a minimum.

That said, you need to start reaching out. See if you can find a laywer who will represent you pro bono. You are not trying to get of of cs, but it has to be realistic. That child is not worth more then your whole family. If you can't find that, find a church and see if they can help you with this fight.

There is something wrong when a woman can get pregnant and then put all the responsibility on the backs of others, this case being you and your children. I have said it before and will say it again, take away the child support for these oc's and I bet the amount of oc's would drop drastically.

The courts don't care about anyone. They care about the law. You need to be heard before they do anything. Call the Social Services Department in your area and find someone who will take your side. Call and keep calling until you find an advocate for you and your family.

This is a classic example of why it is vital to get CS in place first for COM if and whenever possible. OTHERS PAY HEED HERE.

Last but not least, don't let this beat you down yet. Keep fighting until you get this on a more even keel. There is no way you should be providing anything for that child then what you can't provide for your own.

Is there a mens group in your area? There are mens groups all over the country that help fathers in situations where the courts just blindly give children to mothers, etc. They may be able to help also.

I too believe that things have to change. Laws written "for the children" are hurting far more then helping. Fight back and hard for your own children.

Look into legal separation and how it could affect the amount paid out. It could be what is needed to adjust her's cs downward. They may see the error of this case. I am not telling you to leave your husband, I am telling you to look into what would happen if you were to legally separate. A legal separation may be what kicks this ball back into the courts.

Educate yourself on your state and county rules and laws.

You should also consider writing your local and state representatives about this. They are what is needed to change the laws.

As a matter of fact, when I get done here, I am going to write mine. Remind them how unfair it is to the COM and that ALL children need to be taken into consideration.

For the immediate concerns, go and speak to your pastor or find one you can confide in. There are people that will help you right now.

Lynn, first of all sorry if my remark ealier sounded kind of snotty, I was in a really major hate the world day that day.

Thanks for info! I am still working on trying to get a lawyer, last week I spent the day going from one office to another but couldnt find one lawyer in the office :-( But I did sit up a few appointments and if they fail I will sit up some more. I do have plans on writing my congress to if I cant get a appointment to see one personally.

The other suggestions I will difently try them too, cause I am ready to stand up and at least try and do something. It is all so overwhelming and so frustrating, I just dont know where to start but you gave me some good places to start .... Thank you!

I wished we would of known about the OC before we got served, or at least that she was pregnant so we could of tried to protect ourselves first but we didnt. It all happened so fast, and I was so much in shock those days are a blur. But we did go down and take my husband name off our car title and off our savings account (dont have nothing in it but decided too anyways) within days of getting the papers.

Again thank you, will keep you posted on the fight.

Don't feel bad for venting. I come here to try to help people like you. I understand the emotions you are dealing with. I felt bad that I wasn't clear on my message about the 50% being medical expenses. MY FAULT, not yours sweetie.

Good for you for standing tall and taking on the fight. The injustice that gives an oc that much money needs to be addressed.

Keeping your husbands name off of things is a real good idea. For now, get yourself eduated on the laws in your state and what and who you need to speak to. Seeing laywers is hard, but take your time and find one who will help.

You vent away here all you want and never worry about hurting my feelings. I know you what you are dealing with. Stay in touch.

HUGS lynn!! Thanks and I will you all posted

And thank you all you have replied and for the ones that put their pain and lives into threads for me to read. Tho my heart breaks for you all knowing and understanding the pain it helps knowing I am not alone.

Ladies, I'm down with sending some letters somewhere. I'm not good at directing something like this, but I would be a heck of a letter writer.

Thunderstorm,

I am reading your story and I am just appalled that the courts would do this to you. I am so sorry. We have not been served CS yet and I filed against my H already to protect my children. The thought of giving our OW $10 makes me cringe. Have you tried free legal advice from a local university law school? In our area the universities often have free legal clinics? You have to get back in court. They should have given you credit for your children. You are in my thoughts and prayers.