This is my first post and I think I really need advice right now!
I've been married for four and a half years, I'm 31 and I tell you the truth I am a spoiled brat, even at 31. Sadly this is the truth. Ok so that being said I'm married to a 33 yr old self sufficent man, since age 18 that has been who he is. Long story behind him but in a nut shell, hes INDEPENDANT. Ok so i guess this agrument really started Sat, we took my car into the shop to repair a failed emission test. SO saturdays are my ONLY day off (I work two part time jobs, he works one fulltime & one parttime) and I honestly turn off my brain every chance I get. So we get to the repair shop across the city we live in, so from the northend to the southend, and ME, I forget the emission paperwork to give to the repair shop, ok remember this appt was to fix a failed emission test!
So H begins to look down on me and in a raised voice asks "wheres the paperwork" how could u forget the paperwork" "You knew where we were driving to, right" I mean jus question after question to make me look like an idiot in front of the repair man. Well I kinda stood up for myself but he kept on with the questions until he walked off, which is usually how our arguments end, him storming out.
So fast foward today, Monday, Work begins ok we're getting a new system so a deadline and some changesare going on at work and since i'm in acct'g i have a deadline of the 10th of the month, Friday. And I have no car so H over the weekend goes from "you can take my car to work" to "so i'll give you cab money" to "I'll drop you off at work and go into the office". So by Mon I'm confused and stressed, not sure how I'm really getting to work and work is on the deadline. Again I'm a little stressed.
Day ends and I get in the car, he's dropped me off and picked me up. 10 minutes late and no word on the car, I ask "did they get the parts" he doesn't know, they havn't called. So after the bad day, losing my car for the week, I find out he's had no communication the reapir shop he demanded we go to (yes demanded)again I was pretty fustrated. So then we get home and i've just been quiet the ride home, I really believe this is better than saying regretful things. So after my 1/2 shower a knock on the door H says "whats your problem? you've been [censored] all the way home" I say well honey and really trying not to yell, "I've had a crappy day and now I have to make a co. deposit, need my keys I won't get until thurs and I have to get checks out these next two days so I REALLY needed to be at work later, had I known we weren't gettin my car tonite."

He responds with "you ungrateful B****, i go out of my way to take your a** to work and thats all you can say to me" The rest of the evening he was contiuing on with the same, calling me outta my name, telling me how ungrateful and unappreciative I am, how he's not sure why he's with me, threatening divorce because he jus can't "put up with me anymore" and then storms out.
So my concern is should I be concerned?
Since he's got a stressful job I've recently let things like that blow over but as of late I've felt it to be EXREMELY disrespectful. And I'm no saint I have a wicked tounge but in our premaritial counseling he asked I tone that down so now 4 yrs later I try to be very aware of my mouth, which I can slip up on but I try.
And since his new career change I've felt more and more disrespected by him, i only work part time and am horrible with money, hanv't had a really challenging life and I just feel in his mind he doesn't believe or treat me like I am up to par with him. I can't really communicate with him w/o him blowing up so I havn't even been able to adress those feelings to him but I have let him know that I have observed him putting us and other things on the back burner to hit this new career full throttle. He agreed but that was the end of the conversation. So there it is.

So wow your husband sounds like my wife. However, I have been taking that type of verbal abuse for five years and I dont think its ever going to stop. To be honest I would just think about if that person loved you why in the world would they treat you that way. You sound like a person with a good heart and dont let someone who is a control freak and can't tell the difference between being at work or being at home. Life is to short for someone to take out there life one the one person they are married to. My advise move on to someone who will treat you with respect. Once its gone you are never going to get it back to the way it was. Even if you didn't do anything wrong.

Hi, IPFT,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. This website is full of stuff for understanding and creating a great marriage. I don't work here--just saved my marriage.

"So my concern is should I be concerned?"

Only you can give yourself that permission. You're here. I take that as concerned. You are not in an unusual situation with a bad guy/good wife scenario. You've described a lot of your life in your post and what I see is that you don't have a lot of information about how relationships could work. You know how you wish it to be.

Can you read His Needs/Her Needs? Lovebusters? Great that you had premarital counseling and caught onto the disrespectful judgments you were making...or was it angry outbursts? Both? I think I hit every lovebuster, so I'm not judging you. Just want to know what you're aware of.

Btw, what did your H get control of over the last four years that he was told in premarital counseling was important?

Sounds like you believe that marriage is being each other's verbal punching bags if the outside stress is high enough? That would be marriage by excuse. It is a long way from what the Harley's advocate, which makes their stuff very different from our own upbringing, which may have given you this faulty belief.

The whole car/emission/repair scenario was perfect for The Policy of Joint Agreement. If you can read through that one, too, you'll begin to get a picture of how great marriage can be. No matter who forgets what--love isn't a blame-shoving, finger-pointing contest. But if you don't know any other way, it can feel like it.

Keep posting and reading...you're not alone! And yes, Steve was definitely on target seeing your good heart. I know that heart doesn't love a monster. Circumstances, and the dances we do in relationships can sure give that image, can't they?

LA