I have been having more bad days than good now. Off and on crying spells, waking up many times during the night, and just feeling quite numb when not crying. I wish I could make my ex love me the way I do him and make him understand the importance of marriage. As I mentioned in an eariler post, I dont understand why I love him. The part of him that makes me love him the most is usually hidden inside of that stone heart of his apprx. 98% of the time. He has way too many issues:jealousy, bitterness, anger, seems only to want me for sex. He does not want to remarry me, but hate the thought of another man comming onto me. I was threatend by him to not contact him in anyway last Friday and if I did he would hunt me down and punch me in the face, left message on voice mail telling me he was going out that night to get one of the whores I talk about and (you know what to them). He was mad because a man complimented me Fri., I did not tell him what was said, figured he could ask the man for himself, so this is how he responded. Monday, he drops of some software in my van at work. I ran into him after he did so. Strange, I am not to contact him, he is upset with me, so he brings me the software I had been asking me for. I dont get it. Phoned him last night because heard his son was in a car accident. After discussing that, I told him I got his nasty message Friday. His comment was that I deserve it. Said he didnt follow thru, but planned to after he can get over things. Has bought some condoms too.<P>I know him well enough to know he is acting this way because he is in pain, and feels now marriage is not important. But it is important to me and I want to do what's right in Gods eyes. Wish I never divorced. I want so much to run over there for a hug and to tell him I love him. But he is insistant on being bitter over my decision, and me taking back my kids last name. I cant go date anyone even for a night, because this pathetic soul still has my heart. I am still praying for God to either change his heart or take away the hold he has on my heart, and stop my love for him. So many shattered dreams! Yes life does go on, but I am down right miserable without him. Yet I want to please God, and I know if I please him first, I will be a better person for all others. <P>Friends at work sometimes give hugs, and although they mean well, it doesnt compare to the feeling I get when my exs arms are around me. (that is when I thought it was because he loved me, not just wanting sex) Now I second guess if he ever really Loved me, or was just addicted to the sex. I hate life!<P>Very very Bluestar

ah bluestar...<P>I'm so sorry...<P>It's too bad your ex gives you such mixed messages. I can see and understand exactly what you're saying. My H and I are trying very hard to work things out, but he's having a much more difficult time with my infidelity than I did with his. Even when things are better, he's crying and depressed so much, and sometimes... even though he's living at home... I sense his bitterness. I honestly worry that he's eventually gonna leave me for good. <P>Do you ever watch TBN, the Christan TV station? There's a couple, the McClouds, who have a marriage show. He was an actor (Captian Stubing on the Love Boat in the 70's and Murray on the Mary Tyler Moore show)and got a pretty big head, fooled around and they divorced. She PRAYED him back home! Their story is amazing. She had a Bible imprinted with his name and put it on the nightstand next to his side of the bed. She kept his slippers on the floor on his side. And she prayed like crazy, and so did her ladies prayer group. I'm not big on the TBN station cause it's a little too crazy for me, but I really like this couple. They seem real to me.<P>God can and does work miricles... believe it <P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

They (McCloud's) have a book they wrote regarding their miracle. I saw them as guests to TBN's Praise the Lord show. I heard their testimony. It was miraculous, for sure. <P>That was in 96, when my husband had left me. I started doing a lot of the same things she did. She started buying the food in her house that he liked, she started preparing the home for his return, and they hadn't even spoke since the divorce!<P>She started speaking like "When Gavin comes home" - and they haven't even spoke! It was really an act of faith, and confirms to me there is power in our words.<P>It wasn't their first marriage, either. So that should give you some hope! <P>She kept saying in that interview - God is no respector of persons. If he will do for me what he did, he will do for you. It was really neat.<P>They began attending "Church on the Way" in Southern California. They have a book that I believe is now out of print. I can't remember what the title was - but maybe if we did a search on that site that LorLor posted, maybe someone could find it.<P>New Beginning, doesn't that couple just give you so much hope?<P>It does me.<P>

TNT,<P>Yes, they give me oodles of hope! <P>I have been thinking lately that I sure haven't been praying enough or giving my problems to God like I used to. I miss that. This has helped me to remember <P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

I'm glad, NB.<P>Have you ever thought about this? God is in the "RE" business.<P>Re deem<BR>Re store<P>??? Helps me to think of God as my real friend, that wants to rebuild me and my life.<P>God Bless you both.<BR>Connie (TNT)

Connie, <P>Just one more thought... my H, just tonight when I spoke to him on the phone, said...<P>They should call it the Marriage RE- Builders <P>Timely, eh???<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Bluestar: If only my soon to be ex wife felt as you do <P>New-beginning:<BR>trustntruth: I am the oppisite of this story other than the prayer part. I have been removing anything and everything of hers because the sight of it brings such intense pain. I have enough to go around without reminders. But my prayers will continue for my self and for these people

Thank each of you again for your input. I wish I could find out the name of their book. Guess I will work on my own issues as planned before and pray my heart out for God to bring him back to me. My ex just focuses on all the bad things that have happened. I think of them and thinking of them still hurts, but the good memories were so good and my love for him is so strong that I am able and want to start over. I want to make things right, and wish he would work with me. There is so much I wish I could do for him, love him and make him happy. <P>I will have the faith as Mrs McCloud did and believe that Gods words are true when he says he will give us our hearts desires. What's making this situation harder on me is my kids. I have so much trouble making them mind me, and help me with the house. You have to scream and hollar to get them to do anything. My 16 yr old thinks she can go anywhere she wants even when I tell her to be home. My kids are 14 and 16. So with my divorce, the kids and working 7 days a week, I think I am just about to lose it. The kids are from 1st marriage, and of course he is not even in the picture. Only God can help me here.<P>Long rough road ahead, but I am ready. Pls keep me in your prayers as I will yours in mine.<P>Bluestar

Bluestar,<P>When my husband left me in 96, my 16 year old daughter started acting up. I had to watch her 3 times harder. One night she was so defiant to me, and said such mean things to me, that I had to call her brother who lived 40 miles away to come and get her. I had to call her brother at midnight, because she would have been so hateful till the morning. <P>She was acting out the feelings of being abandoned by her bio father, and her stepfather that she grew to need and depend upon. She willingly called him "dad", so she felt very betrayed.<P>I understand how tough it is. I think a visit to the school counselor might help, they might have a place that you can get some help with your children.<P>TNT

I did a web search and I think the book you all are talking about is called Back on Course: God joined together what man put asunder by MacLeod, Gavin and Patti MacLeod with Marie Chapian.<P>I found it by searching for Gavin MacLeod at www.bibliofind.com.<P>It is out of print but available from a number of booksellers.<BR><P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

Robin,<P>Yes, that's the name of the book, and also the name of their show on TBN.<P>I think that sometimes we try so hard to make things happen without giving it to God. I am a Christian, but I don't go to church like I should and need to... but the McCloud's really impress me!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>